A Clean Slate

Link to article: A Clean Slate.


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“We know what you did. Luckily for you, she’ll never have to. Room 001, Ethics Committee Chambers. You’re expected at 15:00. Don’t make me wait.”

Each word reverberated within, bouncing around that thick skull of mine all morning. Whether I was sipping coffee, filing my recent report for the day or even just idling in place, those words rang true. I knew, I have always known, but now, they know too, and while that may not terrify you, it tore itself a massive nook to nestle inside of, residing deep inside of my conscience, my soul.

As I wandered down this grandiose hall, with the echoes of my every step penetrating my mind, I wondered what I’d be at the end of this. The heads of the Foundation’s greatest minds peering at me from their front row seats, all having been immortalized on those very walls that surround me now. Their eyes following my every move, almost as if even in their death, they’d hold the gavel.
Before I knew it, massive oak doors blocked my way. I’d say only uncertainty would lie beyond this point, but the words “Ethics Committee” were engraved in solid gold, reminding me exactly what would welcome me beyond these gates. If I could even consider myself welcomed.

I took a deep breath before entering, wishing the air would take me away; floating, but never to crash down again. The room was mostly barren: A simple conference room, ripped straight from the magazine for monochromatic office spaces. It was a room like the one I’d sit in, the one I wrote my articles in, the one I had called my second home. Could I truly be judged by the gods, when I was home? Or was I to be confronted by fellow men, colleagues who had sat in the exact same brand of chairs? I took my seat. Staring at nothing, wishing anything would appear for my mind to focus in on, something to keep it from wandering.

After an eternity had passed, and another had gone with it, a man entered opposite of me. Clad in red, their robe gliding across the floor with a large folder in hand. He took his place, tossing the file onto the desk, only peering up at me once the sound had escaped outwards.

“Dr. Huff, isn’t it?”

A question best left unanswered. My name best forgotten.

“I want you to know that you’re not the true subject of this meeting, Dr. Huff. Disciplinary measures aren’t to be decided by us, that’ll still await you. Really, all we want to know is why?”

“Why?”

I hastily answered back. The file was there. He knows what I did, how I did it and yet even the smartest people in this institution couldn’t have figured out why? Each page in that folder provided the answer, laid it out clear as day.

“I thought it was quite clear why.”

His eyes met mine, before he led me down back to the desk. A singular post-it note breaking up the tan of the folder, reading “SCP-9832-EX”. My eyes presented the only escape out of my own mind, as he began to flip through the pages. It seemed endless. Page after page, glances of pictures, highlighter colors and red underlining. Each page offered an explanation, a window into my soul and ultimately, into hers too. Yet, it had all been drained away, ran through a machine of bureaucracy and launched straight back into my own world, the real world. The sound of papers rustling ringing in my ears.

“Well, I can guess why. My colleagues have made guesses as to why, but I want to hear it from you, Dr. Huff. This whole scheme of yours was incredibly well thought out. If anyone’s qualified to tell me why, it’s you. You really risked it all, and I am sure you had considered your options carefully. I know your work, after all. So, here we are. Why?”

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“Nana, it is going to be okay! You’ve always told me I needed to leave the nest. Grow up and explore the world, see the things I’ve always wanted to see. Now that I’ve found the opportunity to do just that, you want to tell me no?”

“It’s just so sudden. Who’s gonna look after me? God knows it won’t be Casper. If he is keeping to his word, he’s about seven years late. How do I know you’ll be any different? Please, just give me some time. You can’t leave now, I just need a few years, I promise. I’ll find a nice new home, where I won’t be alone. Just, don’t leave yet.”

[[/div]]

“She needed to know she was not alone.”

“And by she, you’re referring to SCP-9832-EX-1, correct? Your reports were extensive, so I am sure you remember the item numbers.”

I couldn’t chirp back. My words were stuck and my voice had gone and left me. Looking for someone who had something to say, someone who deserved to strain it. All I could do in that moment was nod, my head sinking ever so slightly, peering down at a now open page. An all too familiar picture attached. Bold black letters covering her face.

//It was her.//

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“I am sick of you bringing Casper into this. You always end up making it about him, I am not him. I don’t give a fuck about Casper anymore, and I really don’t know why you still do. Am I not enough for you?”

“Of course you’re enough for me, don’t try to say I ever slighted you in life. You're all I've got, and yet you want to repay me the same way he did. Promises of monthly visits, daily calls and texts. Telling me that he was just around the corner, and that I would barely notice him gone. I have cared for you, and I just need you to be here and let me know we'll be okay. At my age, I can't go through this hurt again."

“We’re different. We’ve always been different, and you should know that better than anyone. How deep is his name buried in your text messages? It'd be lucky for you not to have to scroll to see his picture pop up.”

In that moment, a notification popped up. She’d reached for her phone, before I could even process what had happened. But as she set the phone back down, all that was left to see was her wallpaper. All of our smiles lighting the room. Her eyes shut, and only after three seconds would they re-open. The black display having retaken its place.

“I don’t even know what he sounds like anymore. How can I know you’ll be different. I need to know that, before I can let you go.”

[[/div]]

“39 people. That’s how many were kept in Foundation care.”

He paused for a moment. Reaching for the file and having the pages flutter before me, before his fingers had settled down. Sighing, he returned the file to its place on the table, choosing to spin it my way. Having revealed barren halls and beds made up of cheap splintered wood. A bedside table, rotten and on the edge of collapse, held up a singular picture. A photo that I had held in my heart for so long, though I knew I wasn’t alone in that. It was the first thing to greet her after another unruly sleep.

“Let me rephrase. That’s how many people were kept in Foundation containment.”

I adjusted myself on the chair, wriggling around, trying to find a spot that didn’t seem to itch. Though my mind had been torturing me ever since I’d gotten that note, it felt like bliss compared to where I sat now. No matter how I positioned myself, jabs shot across my body.

“We had trusted you, Dr. Huff. The whole Foundation trusted you. Not only have you shattered your own standing, but that of all your colleagues who had followed in your footsteps. Your actions force our hand.”

“I didn’t mean to cause this much of a riot. I figured no one would ever have to know, and even if they did, it could all stay the way it has.”

He looked at me. There was something about that look, it wasn’t one of recognition or doubt. It was different, each passing second dragged on and on. As if our eyes had been locked together for life.

“You see the state of our facilities here. I’ve seen prisoners live greater than they did. And yet, you chose to let her live like this. How long was this supposed to go on for, Dr. Huff?”

“It was a temporary solution, I am sure I could have figured out something better. If you had just let me talk to the Director…”

Just then, all of his preconceptions, all of his doubt, all of his disappointment escaped his soul through his lungs, ringing through the room, amplified by my ears begging for my release.

“These people were kept here by your whim, Dr. Huff. You didn’t try to involve any of your superiors, you didn’t try to involve us or even the Director. No one was stopping you from seeking this conversation. Figure out a solution.”

“You know that would have not led anywhere, we’ve been caged up here ever since you hired us. She had no one else, you understand? Our family was pushing up daisies. I held no one captive, and certainly didn’t do anything that they wouldn’t have wanted. They all came with us, anomalous or non-anomalous, what does it matter?”

For once I asked the question. I needed to ask the questions. Just to be in the driver seat, let the mind cool. My veins were popping out of my neck, each pump of blood rushing throughout. He somehow remained perfectly still, however. Nothing would phase him, I am not sure anything even could. Adjusting his glasses, and intrinsically placed his finger between two pages. Without another look, he showed me its contents.

//“Subjects appear to have access to kinetic memory retrieval. This being evident through their deeply rooted knowledge of Foundation contained assets, even after limited content with Foundation personnel.”//

“You recognize that line, Doctor? The whole document is filled with this shit. If you wanted to try your hand at creative writing, you didn’t have to resort to this, you know?”

I picked up the folder. Barely being able to focus on the words ahead of me, as the pages trembled in my hands. Yet, the messages had been clear. Deeply ingrained in my mind, forged after weeks of planning.

“They don’t belong here, that’s what it is to us, Doctor. They deserve to live normal lives. You took that from them, and we have to bail you out. Try to give them the closest thing to normalcy, after all this time. Amnestic usage has been authorized, Dr. Huff. At their age, who knows how they’ll adjust. At least the slate will be wiped clean, and no one will have to remember the horrors you made them witness here.”

It was never about “why” at all. He was here to torture me in his own way. He knows, that I didn’t fear the disciplinary hearing. He knows, that I was aware of what the consequences might be. This is about her. They hate to pull the trigger from their crystal palace of inquiries and guidelines. It’s about their conscience, about how they can live with taking it all away from her. The only thing I still had, that wasn’t related to my work, it had to be gone.

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“Why don’t you just come with me then? You’re so worried about being alone. So worried about your baby boy leaving you, but you don’t want to do anything yourself to stop it. Why even argue it, Nana? You want to keep me from pursuing my dreams and goals, thinking only about yourself and the way Casper had fucked us over. For what? To judge me too?”

“I can’t move from here. This is home. It’s always been home to us. These pictures here are all I have. The floorboards still creak like when you two ran up and down the house. It’s like he never left. It’s like we are still together.”

“You gotta move on Nana. Why cherish the memories of someone who’d much rather see you dead? Come with me, and we’ll write our own chapter, okay? Please.”

[[/div]]

“You can’t seriously be considering amnestics? They’ll be husks of their former selves. Hardly even be worth calling people after that, and you want to tell me it’s the best option?”

“It’s the only option we have. We sure as hell can’t keep them here Doctor. The board has made its decision, they’re owed to go back home. We’ve assigned them each a new address, they’ll be kept out of your reach. I hope it was worth it, Dr. Huff.”

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“Ryan, I don’t like this place. It’s nothing like home, please just take me back.”

“Nana, this is going to be our home now. Remember what I said, new chapter and all? You’ve just gotta accept that we can start here. It’s the only way I can see you and still keep my job, we both get what we want, isn’t that great? You’ll get to see me every day. That’s what we can have now, just like back then, okay?”

“I just want to go home, our house was all we had together.”

“Trust me, it’s going to be okay. I want us here, okay? I promise you’ll get used to it. I’ll make sure we can get some of the furniture moved in here and it’ll be just like back then, okay? It’ll be like our house in no time.”

[[/div]]

“Only option? I can list five off the top of my head, and I am sure you all could name hundreds. You’re effectively killing them, and you tell me that’s the only ethical option you could consider? I know what this is.”

I raised myself off the chair. Looking down upon the man sat ahead of me. As his eyes began to roll upward, so too did mine come down to match.

“You wanted to send a message. You knew none of us could care about the consequences. Getting fired or shot, or whatever. But you know we cared about them.”

His hand raised itself up and down, fingers occasionally coming to tap the table.

“That’s not what this is about, Doctor. You know…”

“I know this is bullshit, and deep inside you must know that too.”

From one second to the next, the room grew mute. Not a hairpin would dare to drop to the floor. I sat myself back down, waiting to hear a sign of life from the man clad in red.

“You’re released Doctor. You’re free to go. The Disciplinary Committee will hear your case shortly.”

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“Nana, what will I be when I grow up?”

“I don’t know, Schnucki, what would you like to be?”

“Hmm… I want to help people.”

“Oh, so a superhero? I think I’ve got a costume somewhere around the attic...”

“Nana... I mean like in real life. Maybe I can be a doctor or a scientist.”

“Oh, aren’t you an ambitious young man? Well, whatever you end up being, I couldn’t be prouder of you. You and Casper are going to do great things. But if you get to wear a lab coat, you better let me see you and take lots of pictures, okay?”

“Of course Nana. I’ll make you proud! Can the picture go up on the fridge?”

“I’ll even frame it.”

[[/div]]

I was free to go. Free to leave. Free to go back to my life, or whatever may be left of it. Walk back out those doors, back out that hall. Walk back. But that’s what I can do. She couldn’t walk back those doors, back through those halls and back to her home. She couldn’t hear those floorboards creak, hear our laughter down the hall or watch me come down that stage.

She was once able to see it all, no matter where, no matter when. She could sit down, and live it all again.

Those memories were all she had.

And now her eyes close to nothing.

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A Clean Slate

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