All I Know is that I Know Pizza

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= **RETURN TO THE [[[scp-9595 | SCP-9595 DOCUMENT]]]?**

The following is a transcript of an O4 Council meeting regarding the ongoing SCP-9595 investigation. Present at the meeting were:
* Tilda Moose, Director of Site-19
* Paul Lague, Director of Site-322
* Daniel Asheworth, Director of Site-120
* Allan James McInnis, Director of Site-43
* Randall House, Director of Site-666
* Calvin Bold, Director of The Decommissioning Department
* Jean Karlyle Aktus, Director of Site-81
* Vincent Bohart, Director of Site-333
* Maria Jones, Director of Site-7
* Jerimiah Cimmerian, E5-1 of the Ethics Committee

[[div class="interview"]]
= **TRANSCRIPT**
-----
= **<<BEGIN LOG>>**

**Asheworth:** Pizza?

**Lague:** Yes. I just said that.

**Asheworth:** You called a meeting of the O4 Council to create a working definition of //pizza//?

**Lague:** This is important, Daniel.

**Asheworth:** I can't even imagine why you can't tell us what it's for then.

**Moose:** Classified.

**Asheworth:** How high.

**Moose:** Five.

**Asheworth:** //Five//? I can't even begin to—

**Moose:** No one's asking you to think. Leave it there.

**Asheworth:** Fine, whatever.

//(Lague scans the room, dry-erase marker in hand.)//

**Lague:** Uh— Maria, you're going to get this down, right?

**Jones:** Shut up, I'm typing.

//(Jones stares ferociously at her terminal.)//

**Lague:** Thanks. Allan, can you define a pizza for me, please?

**McInnis:** No.

**Moose:** Allan, define the goddamn pizza!

**McInnis:** I'm not engaging with this. I know what it's about, and I'm not doing it. It's not even real. Ridiculous.

**Asheworth:** Wait! Hold on. 

//(Asheworth stands, scanning the room.)//

**Asheworth:** Who here has Level Five?

//(All attendees raise their hands.)//

**Asheworth:** What? What the fuck!? How am I still stuck at Four? Does everyone know what's going on?

**Moose:** Sit down, now.

//(Asheworth complies, meekly.)//

**Moose:** Paul, continue.

**Lague:** Jesus— fucking, Calvin, please engage with me. What's one hallmark of a pizza?

**Bold:** Disk of dough.

//(Lague draws a pizza on the whiteboard.)//

**Lague:** Perfect. Now, 'disk,' I would presume that square pizza is a pizza.

//(Lague draws a square pizza.)//

**Bold:** Presumably.

**Lague:** Good, good. I think the same could go for the various regional variants— deep dish, tomato pie, so on. Are flatbreads pizza?

//(Director Aktus raises his hand.)//

**Lague:** Jean.

**Aktus:** No.

**Bold:** No?

**Aktus:** I said no.

**Bold:** We just said that square pizza is a pizza.

**Aktus:** This is a flatbread.

**Bold:** It's a pizza!

**Moose:** Flatbread is pizza.

**Aktus:** Wouldn't it depend on intent?

**Moose:** Hm, in a sense. I'm not so sure anymore.

**Bold:** If someone served you a flatbread with tomato sauce, mozzarella, and basil and didn't tell you what it was, would you think it was a flatbread or a pizza?

**Aktus:** It doesn't matter what I think. It's what it is. I can say the sky is pink while it's actually blue.

**Bold:** That's nowhere even close to a good comparison.

**Aktus:** Flatbread is flatbread.

**Bold:** It's imitating a pizza!

**Aktus:** But it's not.

**Lague:** Alright! We'll put that in maybe. Anyone else? Randall?

**House:** Dessert pizza is pizza.

**Asheworth:** No sauce or cheese, though.

**House:** Intent supercedes ingredient, and I think we've quietly established that dough type and shape also play a part. 

**Asheworth:** No, no, no, what—

**Lague:** Dessert pizza is pizza. I'd argue that it would have to include an ingredient specific to pizza, like the dough.

**House:** That's fine.

**Lague:** Calzone, what do we think there?

**Moose:** Not pizza.

**Aktus:** Nope.

**House:** Agreed.

**Bold:** Are we establishing that there needs to be a level of open-facedness to qualify? It has the hallmarks of pizza otherwise.

**Lague:** I think so.

**Aktus:** Okay then, what about the handwich?

**House:** What the fuck is a handwich?

**Aktus:** It's like a savory ice cream. Cone of dough filled with cheese and pizza sauce. It's a handwich.

**House:** That's pizza if it's pizza flavored.

**Bold:** Is it a sandwich or a pizza?

**House:** We're not defining sandwich, we're defining pizza.

**Bold:** It's open-faced?

**Aktus:** No. I think it's pizza.

**Bold:** And a fucking flatbread isn't?

**Aktus:** Right. That's a flatbread. Pizza handwich is pizza.

**Lague:** Good. Handwich is pizza as long as it has the hallmarks of pizza. Great. Uh... okay, I've been mulling this one over in my head for a while, and I'm split. Pizza bagels are pizza. It's a little pizza. I think we can all agree there.

//(The rooms nods.)//

**Lague:** Now, pizza rolls. Is that a pizza or a calzone?

**House:** That's a good one. 

**Lague:** Vince? Get involved, I think you specifically can figure this one out, for some reason.

**Bohart:** Huh? I wasn't listening.

**Lague:** Pizza rolls.

**Bohart:** It has pizza intent.

**Lague:** They're not open-faced, though.

**Bohart:** Are you looking for debate or for someone to jerk you and your opinions off? It has pizza intent.

**Lague:** I'm trying to establish a consistent guideline. Calzone isn't pizza.

**Bohart:** Handwich is pizza when it's intended to be pizza. Pizza rolls are pizza because they're intended to be pizza. 

**Moose:** He's right. Intent has to matter above all.

**Bold:** Second.

**Aktus:** Thirding.

**House:** Fourth.

**Asheworth:** Fifth.

**Bohart:** Sixth.

**McInnis:** I actually want to clarify something. Are pizza Hot Pockets pizza?

**Bohart:** Hm... no.

**Moose:** Wait, this logic doesn't follow.

**Bohart:** Yes, it does! Hot Pockets have Hot Pocket intent. Pizza rolls have pizza intent. It's basic math or whatever.

**McInnis:** Is there a difference if I put the pizza rolls in an oven versus a microwave?

**Bohart:** What? No.

**McInnis:** I'm just clarifying.

**Lague:** Pizza rolls are pizza. Pizza Hot Pockets are not pizza.

//(Lague adds both to the 'Pizza' category.)//

**Asheworth:** If I slice the edge of a calzone open, does it become a pizza handwich?

**Aktus:** What the fuck are you talking about?

**Bold:** It's still a calzone. Actually, I want to wrap back to this. If I //intend// to get a pizza and order a flatbread, does that make it pizza?

**Aktus:** If I intend to smack you in the nose and I don't, does that make me a nice guy?

**Bohart:** No to both.

**Bold:** Flatbread is pizza!

**Aktus:** Motherfucker, it's not a pizza.

**Lague:** Maria, you have these vectors, right?

**Jones:** Yep. I'm running it. Hold on. //[...]// Okay. The AIC doesn't consider flatbread to be pizza.

**Bold:** You think I'm going to listen to what some clan—

//(Cimmerian wakes up.)//

**Cimmerian:** Did someone say flatbread?

**Bold:** Perfect. Jer, //please//, is flatbread a pizza?

**Cimmerian:** Not even close.

**Bold:** Whatever the fuck.

**Lague:** Alright! Enough on the flatbread. It's not pizza, sorry, Cal. We're not leaving without a final definition. Let's go. Maria?

**Jones:** Ready. Running it now. Ten seconds.

**Bohart:** Pizza-flavored goldfish crackers. Not pizza.

**Lague:** What? Obviously, they're not.

**Bohart:** I'm trying to be helpful.

**Jones:** Oh. 

**Lague:** What?

**Jones:** Null error on the model.

**Lague:** What does that mean?

**Jones:** It can't reconcile "open-facedness" with "intent" if flatbread is excluded and handwich is included. You made a logical loop.

**Bold:** Because flatbread is pizza.

**Aktus:** It's not.

**Moose:** Pick a tiebreaker before I make a tiebreaker.

**House:** What about a box test? If it comes in a box and you take slices of it, then it's pizza.

**Aktus:** Pies come in boxes. Cakes too.

**Bohart:** Hot Pockets come in boxes.

**Bold:** You don't slice a Hot Pocket, Vince.

**Bohart:** You don't know what I do in my free time.

**House:** We could flip a coin.

**McInnis:** We are not flipping for ontology.

**Jones:** AIC proposes: "Pizza = open-faced + dough + pizza intent." Calzone fails "open-faced" test. Handwich fails "open-faced." Pizza roll… fails "open-faced."

**Bohart:** I'm overruling that.

**Moose:** On what grounds?

**Bohart:** Vibes.

**Jones:** The model doesn't have a "vibe" parameter.

**Lague:** Actually, can we add one?

**Jones:** I'm not adding "vibe" to an artificial intelligence model.

//(Intercom chimes.)//

**PA:** Delivery at Conference B for Paul, Pizza Meeting.

**Lague:** I didn't order anything.

**Moose:** I did. Field test.

//(A D-class staffer wheels in four boxes, labeled "PIZZA," "FLATBREAD," "DESSERT PIZZA," and "HANDWICH," respectively)//

**House:** Oh god, they put a cone in a box.

**Moose:** Thank you. Everyone hands off until we decide.

**Bold:** That flatbread is going to look identical to the pizza.

**Aktus:** If it looks like a duck—

**Bold:** Don’t say duck.

**Lague:** Maria, run the model live. We'll lift lids one by one.

**Jones:** Running.

//(Lague opens "PIZZA." It’s a classic margherita pie.)//

**Jones:** Confident "pizza." 0.98.

**House:** Clean.

//(Lague opens "DESSERT PIZZA." It's a cookie disk with frosting and fruit.)//

**Jones:** Hesitated and... "pizza." 0.61. Intent carried by labeling.

**Aktus:** Hm.

//(Lague opens "HANDWICH." It's a dough cone filled with sauce and cheese.)//

**Jones:** Model says... "pizza." 0.54. Penalized for the closed topology of the dough, rewarded for— who wrote "vibe" into the notes?

//(Bohart slams his laptop shut.)//

**Bohart:** Maybe it was meant to be.

//(Lague opens "FLATBREAD." It's a rectangle with sauce, mozzarella, basil.)//

**Jones:** Model throws the null again. It cannot call this "not pizza" without breaking the previous assignments.

**Bold:** Thank you.

**Aktus:** Objection.

**Lague:** //Okay.// New rule: if the topping layer is intended to be the final, 'public-facing surface,' or whatever, it's open-faced. Capiche?

**House:** What the hell is a //private// food surface?

**Cimmerian:** That's a calzone.

**Moose:** We're locking this. Maria?

**Jones:** Done. "Pizza is a form of sustenance consisting of dough whose intended //public-facing surface// bears toppings. It's normally sliced and served in a context with pizza intent. Closed forms fail unless the meeting chair says otherwise."

**Bohart:** "Unless Moose says so." Good clause.

**Aktus:** And flatbread?

**Jones:** If it's topped with pizza toppings and presented with pizza intent, it passes as a pizza. If it's presented as a flatbread, it fails.

**Bold:** So it’s pizza.

**Aktus:** Unless it says it isn’t.

**Moose:** Like half this room.

**Asheworth:** Does that mean I'm Level Five now?

**Moose:** No.

//(Intercom chimes.)//

**PA:** Please clear Conference B. O5 Council, emergency session on whether lasagna is pizza.

**Moose:** Oh, Christ. Meeting adjourned. Burn the minutes.

= **<<END LOG>>**
[[/div]]


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