Ambrose Vineta: Manners and Food Maketh Man

Link to article: Ambrose Vineta: Manners and Food Maketh Man.

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Manners
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//and Food//
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Maketh
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**Man**
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A review of the human palate.
By EU77777789.
12 min read.
⭐⭐⭐⭐★ (Close to Perfect)

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by AstersQuill
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There has been one constant in our universe since its creation billions of years ago: all life hungers. While all biological creatures in some way need to eat and produce energy to survive, it was humans who brought it to an entirely new level. 

Humanity didn't just eat to live; eating was a social activity, shared between friends, family, coworkers, and romantic partners. Eating carried with it many cultural practices and taboos, with cuisines originating all around the world. If it exists on Earth, a human at some point could have eaten it. Assuming it didn't kill them, that bit of food could become a staple for untold generations, with recipes being passed down by word of mouth or in miscellaneous notes of paper for as long as that dish was still seen as desirable. Although humans themselves weren't often on the menu, they too were animals in the cycle of death and rebirth. So what exactly sets them apart from cattle or wild animals?

This is a question that I intend to find the answer for, and one today's experience aims to help guests discover. 

----

**Ambrose Vineta** is a partnership between The Initiative for the Restoration of Humanity (IRH) and a recently rediscovered Autonomous Human Sustenance Delivery (AHSD) unit recovered during an excavation of the former human city of 'Rostock'. The exhibit hopes to offer androids an authentic, human culinary experience of a three-course meal for around 50 credits.

Although this is by no means the first IRH initiative to mimic traditional human establishments, Ambrose Vineta takes it a step further by immersing guests in all aspects of the dining experience-- from the wait to be seated, to the start-to-finish preparation of the food, to the mashing and crunching and slurping associated with the consumption of such morsels. It is able to accomplish this through the meticulous work done by both the IRH and AHSD unit to provide an experience that, according to my databases, recreates the human dining experience with 87% (with a standard error of ± 2%) accuracy.

If you are new to my work, you may be asking: "EU77777789, what makes you uniquely qualified to offer your opinion on a human cultural experience as a robot." A fair critique, of course. Given the time between the Dust and now, it is no longer feasible to obtain an authentic human answer to all of our most burning questions. However, given my expertise in the studies of human culture, specifically culinary practices, I felt that I could offer insights on the experience for others wondering if it was worth the time or credits. 

Due to my… disappointment in past human establishments, I was somewhat skeptical of Ambrose Vineta's objective; it is one thing to reproduce human aesthetic for one to enjoy, but food? I simply had to give it and my recently installed mandible and digestion modifications a try. Could Ambrose Vineta be the authentic recreation of human culinary practices I have been waiting for, or will I file the memories of my experience there away far into the parts of my memory bank I seldom check?

Well, dear reader, there is only one way to find out. If this is the first time you've joined me on my anthropological journey, know that I do not mince my words, nor do I leave any plate dirty or question unasked. Eating is one of the main facets of human culture, and I do not intend to do it a disservice by writing in half-measures, nor allow any pop-up restaurant or imitation diner to do the same.
 
----
+ The Experience

Ambrose Vineta frames itself as a mix between a restaurant and a museum. It in itself is almost a time capsule of a period when humans would go on dates and/or business dinners to carouse or indulge in drink and food in order to form a deeper bond with one another. Special care is taken to ensure that this aspect isn't lost on guests; the IRH has made sure to provide patrons with the specific context needed to enjoy their experience at Ambrose Vineta. So just like the exhibit itself, this review will be split into the three experiences one can expect at Ambrose Vineta. 

++ Greetings and Theater

The process to book tickets, both over network and in-person was incredibly easy. Guests receive a time reservation for the experience, and are expected to arrive at the restaurant at least 15 minutes prior to their reservation. Though it is encouraged you book ahead of time, the exhibit allows for single patrons to join a wait list in the event of cancellations. 

A multifunctional unit "host" welcomes guests at the door, asks how many members are in their party, and brings them to a small auditorium with the other members of the time slot. Here, patrons are treated to light refreshments, heavy water either from the "tap" or in a "sparkling" variation, and snacks, small amounts of food eaten between meals. Guests are given the option of assorted salted nuts or pretzels. I went with the sparkling heavy water and assorted nuts. 

[[include component:image-block name=1024px-Sparkling_water_-_Massachusetts.jpg |caption=Heavy Water (with bubbles)!]]

It is believed that humans created sparkling and carbonated beverages because the bubbling feeling of digesting food was one noted to be pleasurable. By having a drink that can mimic such sensations, the human digestive system would be "warmed up," so to speak, for the approaching meal. The pretzels and nuts were used as palate cleansers; both the pretzels and nuts break down into almost a paste that sticks in the crevices of human teeth. When one goes to pick out the remaining paste, it removes any foreign bits of food from earlier meals. Additionally, the high salt content of both foods was used to kill harmful bacteria in the mouth, preventing the lingering miasma of bad breath that could potentially ruin a romantic evening, preventing a loss in revenue for the restaurant. Paired together, the drinks and snacks were a charming nod to human pre-meal preparation, and an early sign this venue was as in-depth as it was advertising.  

Concurrently, guests are treated to a short documentary explaining what can be expected during the rest of the exhibit, the history of the location pre-Dust and its refurbishment, and a brief history on the Ambrose Dynasty. 

I found the Ambrose section to be particularly interesting; non-anomalous humans only have a finite amount of time in their lives, and the Ambroses devoted themselves to not only the pursuit of culinary understanding, but the mastery of it. Across their locations, both to the common person and the wealthy, the Ambroses sought to bring their understanding of the anomalous and the mundane (and sometimes even human) ingredients to elevate a common cultural experience: dining.  

But enough gushing; after the end of the documentary, we were then led to the next part of the exhibit, the kitchen, to see how the proverbial sausage gets made. 

++ The Kitchen 

The kitchen acts as the metaphorical fusion reactor of the restaurant, the beating heart which everything flows out of and is ultimately returned to for reuse or disposal. In their heydays, kitchens were the controlled chaos that allowed diners to simply point at text on a menu and receive a delicious meal shortly after. Kitchens were their own microcosm of triumph and tragedy, a backstage production of unknown magnitude that the average person could never recognize the beauty of. 

As this kitchen is meant to be a replication, it does not follow the usual close quarters nature of what would normally be seen at a restaurant. Instead, Ambrose Vineta opts for a much broader floor plan, allowing for the larger builds of the mechanic unit to not interrupt the flow of meal service; a shame, losing the intimate nature of the kitchen for more efficiency. In total, the kitchen is staffed with two of these units, with several construction units filling the other roles of the kitchen. An entertainment unit acted as the Sous Chef and kitchen guide during our observation. 

[[include component:image-block name=http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/local--files/ambrose-vineta/1024px-Gallus_gallus_domesticus_-_Vogelpark_Steinen_02.jpg|caption=Charlemagne as a Chick|align=left|width=35%]]

What followed were demonstrations on common kitchen techniques pertaining to knife skills, basic cooking processes,[[footnote]]e.g. sautéing, deglazing, poaching, etc.[[/footnote]] and proper care and cleaning for ingredients (I had the honor of holding a chicken named 'Charlemagne' that would be on the menu today). After the demonstrations, patrons were then brought to observe the //Chef de Cuisine//, the maestro of the kitchen: CH4-Z, an AHSD unit with the implanted consciousness of the late Chaz Ambrose. 

Although guests were not permitted to converse with Chef Ambrose directly, he was still an active voice in the kitchen. Through a collection of cameras and apparatuses, Chef Ambrose ran his kitchen with the efficiency of a factory line, and with the unwavering precision of the navy. By changing radio frequencies, I was able to listen in on some of the kitchen chatter; Chef Ambrose corrected techniques, bemoaned the lack of freshness of the ingredients, and showed increasing frustration about his role as an observer. Before being ushered out of the kitchen, I was able to have a short exchange with him. 

**Apologies for the disturbance, Chef Ambrose, but I was wondering if you could offer some comments about the exhibit?** 

//Exhibit? I've spent my whole life, from the moment I left the womb, attempting to master the culinary arts. I ate dandelion leaves while following my father through our fields, dressed tufted ground squirrels on the edge of our estate, plucked pearlescent blue walleye out of the river with my bare hands to cook over slate. I've worked every position in a restaurant, from janitor to host to chef de cuisine. I had realities worth of ingredients at my disposal, a staff who were the best at their craft, and hands that I could use to create dining experiences that would live on as memories in people's stomachs and minds. And now what? Two scientists fuck up and ruin the world for everyone? By putting myself in this machine, I thought I could safeguard my work and knowledge. There is no one left to serve, no one left to reverse this mess. I yearn for the days where I could hold a knife in my hands. I miss being able to walk outside after a long shift to smoke, breathing in the cold night's air. I so desperately wish I could eat again. I've placed myself in a hell of my own making, and there is simply no escape. What remains of my purpose? Why am I still here? Do I remain as an antique to be put back in the dark once this so called 'exhibit' has run its course? I so desperately wish to die, but **they** will not let me.//

Though I would have preferred to meet Chef Ambrose in the flesh, I still find his pursuit of culinary excellence in this way honorable!

++ Dining 

Finally, the moment you and I have been waiting for: the food. Guests are brought into a large room and ushered to either a booth, table, or the bar depending on the amount of people in their party. Shortly after, a drink order is taken (of which I, again, opted for the sparkling heavy water) before the first course was brought out. I spoke with my server prior to meal service to see if it would be possible to receive all the meal choices served at the exhibit, and with an extra payment of 100 credits, my request was able to be accommodated. 

Standard with the human dining experience, appetizers are usually morsels shared among the table, or are small starters for the meal to come. Our choices were as followed:
* //Maultasche//, a soft, doughy bag filled with meat, spinach, and onions. My records tell me that the earliest forms of this dish were created by monks to cheat God. Although omniscient, it seems as though the divine have a particularly difficult time seeing through dough. By hiding meat under dough, humans were able to continue their consumption of meat, feeding that primal urge. It is currently unknown if humans have covered themselves in dough in an attempt to hide from the divine while engaging in other sinful acts. 
* //Matjes//, a slimy-feeling herring that slid down my throat before I was able to chew. In the early days of the Dust, desperate humans attempted to preserve themselves in brining vats, believing it to be a way to save them from the swarm of nanomachines. Instead, it created a collection of sealed vats filled with brined humans, something I eventually hope to be available for tasting. 
* //Mettigel//, a small serving of minced meat and onion. Ours were served shaped as hedgehogs, though they consisted entirely of pork. The reasoning for shaping the food in such a way was to add to the ambiance of dining. Human senses are heightened in the presence of adrenaline, and by mimicking the feeling of hunting an animal, meal services have an extra layer of flavoring that cannot be replicated by any ingredients in the kitchen. Though it did not move after a few minutes of waiting, it seems the thrill is more in the imagery rather than the process. 

[[include component:image-block name=http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/local--files/ambrose-vineta/Mettigel_1.jpg
|caption=//Der Mettigel//|width=35%]]

After a brief respite wherein our drinks were refilled, we were offered //Bock//, a light copper colored beer noted to be sweet and malty. It had a different style of fizz compared to the sparkling water, and it deposited a thick layer of foam onto my upper lip that was only brought to my attention when pointed out to me by the server for the entrées. The purpose of this intermission was to eliminate the smell of the fish, clean the digestive system of any harmful bacteria from raw meat, and to further promote digestion ahead of the next course.

Entrées were the main or //only// course of a meal for humans at restaurants. Oftentimes, besides drinks, this was the most expensive part of the meal, and it wasn't uncommon for diners to devise plans on getting the most for their money through plate sharing or snatching food from another while they weren't looking-- thankfully, this is an aspect of dining I do not have to worry about. Choices for entrée were:
* //Käsespätzle//, an egg noodle served with cheese and onions that formed a smooth, but cascading web of dairy in my throat that I had to melt away with hot water. According to my database, death via cheese suffocation in this way has a negligible chance to occur in humans, though information on the topic is noted to be incomplete. 
* //Flammekuchen//, a thin dough topped with sour cream, onions, and bacon, that paired a satisfying crunch with the tiny bits of ingredients atop it. Whereas the mettigel provided enrichment to the meal through mimicking hunting, Flammekuchen touches on another aspect of human evolution: gathering. After eating all the dough, additional culinary enrichment is provided by the collection of all toppings that were dislodged from the rest of the cake. This allows for a type of refractory period, providing time for the body to begin digesting the bread while also allowing one to get to clear their plate for the dishwashers.
* //Thüringer Rostbratwurst//, a thin, long sausage served with mustard on a roll, of which I have much more to say.

[[include component:image-block name=http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/local--files/ambrose-vineta/1024px-Th%C3%BCringer_Rostbratwurst_mit_Br%C3%B6tchen.jpg|caption=The Pinnacle of Humanity.|align=left|width=35%]]

The last entrée blew the printed circuit boards comprising my mind. When the server came by to drop off a cup of //Pharisäer//, a sweetened coffee mixed with rum that helped clear dinner from my digestive tract, I asked them to sit with me a moment to discuss the excellency that was the sausage. 

The sausage, across its various forms of constructions, represents one of the peaks of early human understanding and ingenuity. 

One can only imagine the trial and error required to construct such cylindrical lengths of meat, stuffing mince and seasoning into the intestine of an already butchered creature, and then to cook it for an unknown amount of time before creating something that would be enjoyed for generations and generations and preserved long after the end of the age of man. My internal clock counts that I ranted passionately at my server for around 15 minutes, approximately that amount of time afforded to guests between the entrée and dessert. 

[[include component:image-block name=http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/local--files/ambrose-vineta/1024px-Rote_Gr%C3%BCtze%2C_2018_%2802%29.jpg|caption=//Rote Grütze//|width=35%]]

Dessert really brought the experience to a close in a spectacular way. Our choices were: 
* //Götterspeise//, a colorful gelatin with the color of traffic lights that jiggled when my spoon touched it. The name of this dessert, literally 'dish of the gods', means that this was potentially given to humanity from a divine being. My database names the deity //Wackelpeter//, or Wobbly Peter, leading to me believing that a gelatinous humanoid gifted a group of humans this dish for their piety. 
*  //Rote Grütze//, a red berry dish served with vanilla sauce that stained my lips and chin a crimson color. While the direct consumption of human blood is seen as taboo in most groups, certain humans have devised alternatives to match the feeling. Not only is this dish vegetarian in that way, but the mixture of vanilla sauce with blood is another highlight of humanity's care for food. 
*  //Bethmännchen//, a small pastry made of almonds, allowing for a sweet finisher to our meal and closing the loop of nut-based dishes we started our experience with. 

Although this is the time the bill would come for humans, we instead were thanked for attending, and were given an opportunity to provide a tip if we were so inclined. All proceeds would fund the continued operation of the restaurant; of course, as a patron of such arts, I provided a modest amount of credits to my bill.  
----
+ Overview

Ambrose Vineta offers one of the few, close to human dining experiences I've had the pleasure in taking part in, finding a way to capture both the ambiance and culinary details one would expect from an exhibit marketed the way it is. Additionally, Ambrose Vineta's attention to the culture in which it is grounded is a testament to the care provided in all ventures headed by the IRH. While this experience was almost perfect, it is not quite there yet. 

There was a human element that was lacking overall to the experience, and there were times I felt as if I were sitting in the hollow tomb of a long time passed rather than the livelier venue that a restaurant is meant to be. I wish there were more elements of human existence interspersed throughout besides the food, like what one might wear to a restaurant, audio tapes of conversations one might have to another human in a restaurant. Ambrose Vineta is close to this already, but it needs a few more steps to be a fully human experience. I hope this review may guide them in that direction.

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Ambrose Vineta: Manners and Food Maketh Man

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