Link to article: Ask Dr. Spanko.
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[[>]] [[module Rate]] [[/>]] [[include component:image-block name=SpankoSelfPortrait.png|caption=It me! Cack! Self-Portrature is topside, no?|width=200px]] {{== Gate of Babel v. 0.3 (Pre-Alpha) == Copyright: SCP Foundation, 20██ Loading Config File: Spankonese.cfg Loading........................ DONE }} Happy times, mimes![[footnote]]{{**Happy times, mimes! (id.)** Believed to be a salutation or greeting.}} [[/footnote]] Cack! Am christened Herr Doktor Spankoflex, colloquially namesplapped with [[[SCP-2337 | Essy-Pee toothreethree and Steven!]]] You, sir, are oculating my spidersteps[[footnote]] {{**Spidersteps (n.)** Web Page, or Blog}} [[/footnote]], which the good Mr. Lightbulb[[footnote]] {{**Mr. Lightbulb (pn.)** Belived to be the nickname that SCP-2337 has assigned to Dr. Edison, who at present time is SCP-2337's handler. Occasionally written as "Mr. Light Bulb".}} [[/footnote]] has indubitably mashed potato[[footnote]] {{**mashed potato (n. v. adj.)** Linguistically equivalent to "**(v.) Donated**", "**(v.) Obtained**", "**(v.) Pilfered**", "**(adj.) Pertaining to the campaigns of Genghis Khan**" or "**(n.) Coleslaw**", depending on context.}} [[/footnote]] one blinkbox[[footnote]]{{**Blinkbox (n.)** One of many different words SCP-2337 uses to describe the closed-network computer it has received. See also; **hackmobile**, **compcop**, **nightly brightly**, **thingamadoozle**, and **peckpoker**}}[[/footnote]] for yours truly. Cack! He hollers that if I'm a muffin little puffin[[footnote]]{{**a muffin little puffin (id.)** An idiom that describes SCP-2337 staying quiet during daytime hours.}}[[/footnote]] Mister Boss Man [[footnote]]{{**Mister Boss Man (pn.)** The O5 Council.}}[[/footnote]] will serve a sardine sandwich to faucet police[[footnote]]{{**serve a sardine sandwich to faucet police (id.)** Meaning unknown.}}[[/footnote]], and hand me the right to reply to send-saws[[footnote]] {{**send-saws (n.)** E-Mails}} [[/footnote]] from God or Bog and all his Saints and Angels![[footnote]] {{**God or Bog and all his Saints and Angels (id.)** Personnel authorized to contact SCP-2337 via e-mail.}} [[/footnote]] So start flapping your jaws, o pioneers! The mayonnaise of Tuesday is never sunny side up! [[footnote]] {{**The mayonnaise of Tuesday is never sunny side up. (id.)** Meaning unknown.}} [[/footnote]] > **Editor's Note:** > > //Sorry about the spotty translation of SCP-2337's gibberish. I've got at least three Euclids that are potentially going Keter by the end of the week, and I've wasted enough time building a keyboard with a "Cack!" button to worry about finding someone to write an English-Spanko Dictionary.// > > //Thankfully, the guys in the linguistics department hooked me up with some software that they wanted me to test. It's supposed to be able to analyze these sort of english-based pseudo-languages and provide clarification for some of the more incomprehensible bits. The results have been mixed, but it's better than nothing.// > > //Anyway, just leave any questions you have in the section below, and I'll try to get an answer out of SCP-2337.// > > -Dr. Edison [[collapsible show="+ Template" hide="- Cack!"]] > **Dear Dr. Spanko,** > **[THIS IS WHERE THE QUESTION GOES]** > **-[YOUR NAME HERE]** [[/collapsible]] [[collapsible show="+ Unanswered Questions" hide="- Cack!"]] [!-- ----------------NEW QUESTIONS BELOW THIS LINE---------------- --] > **Dear Dr. Spanko,** > **Im Your Once COsine Twice Premoved Recbert Hows It Going And Has My** [REDACTED] **Arrived Yet** > **-Rexed Berd** > **Dear Dr. Spanko,** > **I apologize for the previous E-mail, I sent it while sleepwalking. I don't know any "Rexberts", but you should be careful about that message, it's probably a cognitohazard.** > **-Dr. Auteaux** > **Dear Dr. Spanko,** > **I'm considering getting a pet to brighten up my quarters. Which would be the better option for a junior researcher, a European Swallow or a Norwegian Blue?** > **-RA Janice Hawknest** > **Dear Dr. Spanko,** > **What do you think would be the best way to --kill--contain a 5m humanoid that can spit acid?** > **-Dr. Gabriel** > **Dear Dr. Spanko,** > **Big fan, love the spidersteps. Forgive me if this question has already been asked, but I just had to know... Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?** > **-Junior Researcher Lees** > **Dear Dr. Spanko,** > **My little brother has been bugging me all week. He keeps asking me the same question, and for the life of me I can't come up with an answer that satisfies him. I'm hoping you can help me out. The question is this: do examples of personal achievement stemming from internal motivation conflict with or corroborate the concept of predetermined destiny?** > **-Dr. Welsch** >**Dear Dr. Spanko,** >**Have you ever eaten deep fried butter filled with stranglejuice? (aka liquified gummy jelly)** >**- Dr. Tellmemoreaboutthepasta** > **Kjære Doktor Spanko,** > **Uheldigvis er jeg ikke flytende i Basisk Angler, Kunne du hjelpe meg å lære?** > **-Doktor Tannpirke** > **Dear Dr. Spanko,** > **How do you eat gummy worms with a beak? It's just not working for me.** > **-Dr. Beakman** > **Dear Dr. Spanko,** > **I'm trying to explain what "cack" means to a... friend... who really, really doesn't understand Basic Angler. Can you help me out?** > **-RA Kyle Jostens** > **Dear Dr. Spanko,** > **Have you ever read Finnegans Wake, and if so, what is your opinion?** > **-Doctor Margin** [[/collapsible]] [[collapsible show="+ Answered Questions" hide="- Cack!"]] > **Dear Dr. Spanko,** > **I'm madly in love with the woman of my dreams, but she barely knows I exist! How do I get her to notice me?** > **-Loveless in Site 19** It easy peasy! Cack! All need doing is the the happy lettuce dance[[footnote]] {{**happy lettuce dance (id.)** A euphemism for corn crake mating rituals.}} [[/footnote]]! Primarily, butt heads with master big[[footnote]] {{**master big (n.)** A rival male of the same species as the conversation's subject.}}[[/footnote]]. Don't hesitate to inflate and sing the happy death song[[footnote]] {{**sing the happy death song (id.)** The act of growling at a rival vying for the affection of a potential mate.}}[[/footnote]] until mister big loses his Munster. If that don't work, rub your face in jell-o[[footnote]] {{**rub your face in jell-o (id.)** Meaning unknown, but possibly a literal instruction.}}[[/footnote]] and wait 6-8 business days before tryhard. ------ > **Dear Dr. Spanko,** > **Why are you so loud? Can't you keep your voice down?** > **-Deafened in Site 92** Cack? What ho, forsooth! Your jibber-jabber is un-sane, good sir. Am I much sub-vocal, thanksqueezeme [[footnote]] {{**thanksqueezeme (id.)** A portmanteau of "Well excuse me!" and "Thank you very much", both used sarcastically.}}[[/footnote]]! Yourself should un-check your hear-holes to the doc, mayhaps an error is on the counter, no? I'd suggestinate me appointwise, but Mr. Lightbulb and Mister Boss Man un-think terrible terrible radishes[[footnote]] {{**terrible terrible radishes (id.)** Meaning unknown.}}[[/footnote]]. Though hop skip and stop by, and I mayhap gander goose. ------ > **Dear Dr. Spanko,** > **I think I'm starting to come down with a cold. Do you have any advice?** > **-Dr. King** Appleseeds![[footnote]] {{**Appleseeds (id.)** General advice to the effect of taking things easy, getting plenty of sleep, and drinking plenty of water. Perhaps one of the most well-understood idioms in SCP-2337's vocabulary.}} [[/footnote]] ------ > **Dear Dr. Spanko,** > **Why don't we give you a megaphone and point you at any enemy with eardrums? What's your price, Dr. Spanko?** > **-Dr. Gently** Unconvincable! Mine pedigree is for bling blang blongo, youthinks? Cack! A gamble to snatch pretty pennies in parlor tricks? That myself am anti-doctor? Nein-sence! Cack! Cack! Am pro-fisherman doctorate, and P-Headdy in Psycho-geolo-lingo-bingo[[footnote]] {{**Psycho-geolo-lingo-bingo (n.)** An inconsistently-named academic field that SCP-2337 claims to have a doctorate in. Also known as: **Parologicy**, **Barlgoflargology**, **Symbology**, **Cackology** and **Doctorology**}} [[/footnote]]! And like all doctor dudes, I was proscribed to inscribe the most troth of oaths; to first stew no arm[[footnote]] {{**first stew no arm (id.)** Appears to be a corruption of "First, do no harm", a well-known condensation of the Hippocratic Oath.}} [[/footnote]] and all that. Minesuch are vowed passive fist, it would break own boombox[[footnote]] {{**Boombox (n.)** A heart. Also referred to as a **Beatbox**, a **Poundbox**, and a **Flabbery Red Thing**}} [[/footnote]] to bring terminus to goodfellow folk. Sorries! ------ > **Dear Dr. Spanko,** > **Whathavelydos? Cack! Mine suchlike sinpartner haveno friendly time antimony frost? Undercackings havelike until our tinglybits are raspred...** > **-Linguistic Specialist N.D. Arx (Testing new translation software)** Cack! Cack I say good sir! Such wordinations are un-appropriate for blinkbox talky-time! She-Mom and the Masters of the Universe[[footnote]] {{**She-Mom and the Masters of the Universe (n.)** Used to refer to SCP-2337's mother. At this time, it is unknown whether "She-Mom" is an actual name, or if it is a common term used by members of SCP-2337's species.}}[[/footnote]] should extemporize the soap rope[[footnote]] {{**Extemporize the Soap Rope (id.)** The act of forcefully washing a subject's mouth with soap.}}[[/footnote]] for such foul platitudes[[footnote]] {{**Foul Platitudes (id.)** Unwanted sexual advances.}}[[/footnote]]! This is a family show, idaho! Pull yourself out of the cookie jar and think about what you've done young man! ------ > **Dear Dr. Spanko,** > **From what university did you receive your doctorate?** > **-Dr. Wu** Mineself receive gratitudes from Universidad Los Samothrace[[footnote]] {{Editor's Note: There has been no mention of a "Universidad Los Samothrace", or any variant thereof in any documentation related to [[[SCP-1173]]]. At this time, SCP-2337's knowledge of [[[SCP-1173]]] is not considered a containment breach.}}[[/footnote]] in year of the moldy cheese man[[footnote]] {{**Year of the Moldy Cheese Man (n.)** One of several nicknames that SCP-2337 has given to particularly noteworthy calendar years. This one in particular is estimated to have taken place around 19██. See also: **Year of the Happy Dance**, **Year of the Smelly Fish** and **Year of the [DATA EXPUNGED] With a Side of Spaghetti**}}[[/footnote]] with mega super duper plus good awardies. Cherry berry times, yes? Saddingly mineself not keep up with aluminum cans[[footnote]] {{**Aluminum Cans (n.)** Alumni}}[[/footnote]], forthwith house-calls nonwithstanding. ------ > **Dear Dr. Spanko,** > **How do you know so much about the Foundation? This has to count as an information breach, doesn't it?** > **-Researcher Rose Labelle** Cack! Dada expounded! You scratch my back, I eat bugs off your tupperware![[footnote]] {{**You scratch my back, I eat bugs off your Tupperware! (id.)** Meaning unknown. SCP-2337 seems to consider this to be a sufficiently honest and detailed explanation as to why he possesses knowledge of the Foundation, and accuses researchers who try to ask clarifying questions of not "Readspeaking Basic Angler".}}[[/footnote]] ------ > **Dear Dr. Spanko,** > **Please elaborate on the socio-linguistic roots of your most peculiar language.** > **-Jr. Researcher Hu Zhi** Lovely! Basic Angler[[footnote]] {{**Basic Angler (n.)** The name SCP-2337 gives for the language he speaks. SCP-2337 also claims to be fluent in **Japanimation**, **French Fries**, **Universalistics** and **Antidisestablishmentarianism**, each of which appear to be a separate language loosely based on Japanese, French, Esperanto, and Cockney Rhyming Slang, respectively. As efforts to translate these languages have proven especially difficult, SCP-2337 has been asked to stick to his "native tongue" when communicating with Foundation personnel. See __Document 2337-████-C: I Need A New Computer Because The One I Was Using Literally Melted When I tried to Translate The Stuff Dr. Spanko Was Saying__ for more information on these other languages.}}[[/footnote]] is the monkey at the top of the swimming pole[[footnote]] {{**The Monkey at the top of the Swimming Pole (n.)** A subject that SCP-2337 considers himself quite knowledgeable in.}}[[/footnote]]! But sadness, mineself scrabble on the clock[[footnote]] {{**Scrabble on the Clock (id.)** To say that one is currently on sabbatical.}}[[/footnote]]!. ------ > **Dear Dr. Spanko,** > **I'm having trouble getting to sleep. Even when I avoid coffee and computers near bed, I still toss and turn. What can I do?** > **-Junior Researcher Andrew Evans** Have you appleseeds? Falseways, mayhaps check the camputor[[footnote]]{{**Camputor (n.)** A mirror, or similarly reflective surface.}}[[/footnote]] for another you. If missing, you may be a dracula[[footnote]]{{**Dracula (n.)** Vampire}}[[/footnote]], so get out of the kitchen and hollar for Dr. [CACK!][[footnote]]{{**Note:** This appears to be an attempt by SCP-2337 to mimic Foundation censorship protocols. The method by which SCP-2337 became aware of said protocol is currently unknown, as is the subject that SCP-2337 is referring to.}}[[/footnote]] with posthastitude! ------ > **Dear Dr. Spanko,** > **I don't know who supplies the coffee machines for our Sites, but wherever I go, I'm drinking muddy water that tastes like Joan of Arc washed her face with it. Now, I found ONE machine that actually gave me decent coffee. Trouble is, I can't find it anymore. Would you have any idea where that was?** > **-Dr. D.H. Aeslinger, Psy.D.** How the cack should my know-how? Shiny brown pygmy lemons[[footnote]] {{**Shiny Brown Pygmy Lemons (n.)** Coffee Beans. Not to be confused with **Shiny Brown Pygmy Limes**, **Happy Color Pygmy Lemons**, **Shiny Lemon Brown Pygmys**, and **Coffee Beans**.}}[[/footnote]] mine un-favorite they are; too much crunchy for bitter batter. I un-think how you pokey blokes can quench Pygmy Lemonade, take self an old-fashioned moose juice[[footnote]] {{**Moose Juice (n.)** SCP-2337's self-proclaimed "favorite quencher", consisting of two parts parts tomato juice, one part horseradish sauce, one part Sunny Delight, and one part melted M&Ms. Curiously, despite the lack of alcohol in any of the ingredients, SCP-2337 exhibits signs of mild intoxication upon ingestion of this beverage.}}[[/footnote]] anytime. ------ > **Dear Dr. Spanko,** > **I fear I find myself in a most unusual conundrum. I am, as you surely are, a man of science, yet I find myself surrounded by people who insist that I am, in fact, an aquatic mollusk. I know full well that I am no such thing, but they insist on treating me as if I were in spite of my protestations to the contrary. What means would you advise by which to resolve this state of affairs?** > **-Thomas Theodore Blackwood, 8th Viscount of Westminister** Cack? I say, is you Blackwood-sama? Cack-cack cooray! Mine thoughtsumed had that you licked the big candle in the sky! Bit of the old roundabout, wot wot? Nostalgia, methinks, of stomping through the jungles of tim buck-too! As time for the seashells on the sea shore, it crystal clear that the foundry is punto banco[[footnote]] {{**Punto Banco (adj.)** Insane, crazy, not right in the head.}}[[/footnote]]. Just play a pong now cow, and maybe someday you'll see what I mean. //Note: Upon further questioning, it appears that [[[SCP-1867]]] and SCP-2337 had been traveling companions for a period of time ranging from 18██ to 18██. 1867 seems to be fully aware of 2337's anomalous properties, and describes 2337 as being "a good sport, but a bit of an odd duck if you know what I mean", citing difficulties in understanding 2337 as the main reason they stopped traveling together. Due to the difficulty in translating SCP-2337's speech, the accounts of their travels have yet to be confirmed.// > **Dear Dr. Spanko,** > **I'm an in-development Foundation Artificial Intelligence Assistant! Could you tell me a little about yourself for my database?** > **-Diane.aic** Hollar-bark Spankoflext. Mucho bucho bo, —nevermindsuch whenst—having little or no birdseed in yon purse, wot particular to interest shorewise, happenchanced I sail about a little and see the bee the bird bumble drump. It is a way I have of driving off the spleen and regulating the circulation. Whenever grim growth guff golf; whenever dizzle anti-crimbo in my soulface; exclamaitionpoint coffin warehouses. [REDACTED FOR BREVITY][[footnote]] {{Translator's note: The full text and possible interpretations therein are is available in Document-2337-████-D; __This Is Literally Just Moby Dick Except it's Written by Dr. Spanko, And I Wasted Seven Months Translating This Even Though It Was Obvious From The Get-Go. Who the Hell is Even Going to Read This? Doesn't the Foundation Have Better Things to Do?__}} [[/footnote]] On the second day, a wild snail approaches! Command? Rachel-Rachel, having wot found before then no orphans was now plus one! > **Dear Dr. Spanko,** > **Is there any way I could either acquire or create Minecraft 2? Will it ever exist at all?** > **-Dr. C. Bold** The real Craft'o'mines Twicelike was the chapps we happened along the rigamarole! > //Editor's note: the following was posted on March 25, 2020, seemingly unprompted by any questions. It is unknown how SCP-2337 became aware of the COVID-19 coronavirus outbreak of 2020, as Site-██'s isolated nature rendered the impact of the outbreak minimal.// Ahoy-hoy, my boy! Herr Spankoflex is the gamey name frame, and I have an implicated pornouncement [sic][[footnote]] {{Translator's Note: "[sic]" was present in the original document.}} [[/footnote]] amoung the bubble blubble toil and trouble. The bitches tree, Convertable- underside these flying chimes, 'tis most indubitable to not yabba-dabba-don't [[footnote]]**{{Yabba-Dabba-Don't (n.)** A state of unwarranted panic and agitation.}} [[/footnote]]. Doctornate Campbell Distancing, pacing oneself footlike at least eight million broadside [[footnote]]**{{Broadside (other.)** Indicates that the last spoken number should be divided by a factor of 1,333,333 unless the resulting number is prime.}} [[/footnote]]. Then, thou must prepare for the arrival of The Great Gonzales [[footnote]]**{{The Great Gonzalas (n.)** A recurring godlike entity.}}[[/footnote]], and his mighty longship built of soybeans, crewed by a cadre of 44,000 singing rabbits![[footnote]]{{Known to the foundation as SCP-████.}}[[/footnote]] Oh what wonders I have to show you! CACK! ------ [[/collapsible]] [[footnoteblock]] [[include :scp-wiki:component:license-box]] ===== > **Filename:** SpankoSelfPortrait.png > **Author:** [[*user Edrobot]] > **License:** CC BY-SA 3.0 ===== [[include :scp-wiki:component:license-box-end]]