Cool Guys Don't Look At Explosions

Link to article: Cool Guys Don't Look At Explosions.

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**From:** M.Bay@torchmail.drk
**To:** nobodysacritic@torchmail.drk
**Subject:** New Project!

Hey, Critic! I just wanted to clear my latest piece with you before I submit it to the Curator. I'm real excited about it, it's my first time submitting a full-length feature. Can I send it over to you for you to get your thoughts?
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**From:** nobodysacritic@torchmail.drk
**To:** M.Bay@torchmail.drk
**Subject:** Re: New Project!

Bay, I swear to G-d, if your piece is //another// explosion extravaganza I will personally bar you from entering any further showings. We're all sick and tired of you trying to pass pyrokinesis off as art.
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**From:** M.Bay@torchmail.drk
**To:** nobodysacritic@torchmail.drk
**Subject:** Re:Re:New Project!

Oh, come on, Critic. You know pyrokinesis is my jam. Explosions are totally cool. Come on, I know you want to watch it! It's got Mekhane in it! I know how much you want to get that grant from the Soho Cogwork Orthodox Church! It'll be fun! You'll enjoy it, I promise. It's gonna be a real crowd-pleaser.
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**From:** nobodysacritic@torchmail.drk
**To:** M.Bay@torchmail.drk
**Subject:** Re:Re:Re: New Project!

Fine. Send it over.
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**From:** M.Bay@torchmail.drk
**To:** nobodysacritic@torchmail.drk
**Subject:** Re:Re:Re:Re:New Project!
:)
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##grey|ONE ATTACHMENT## 📎
##red|__m_bay2007.mov__##
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**From:** nobodysacritic@torchmail.drk
**To:** M.Bay@torchmail.drk
**Subject:** Fuck's sake.

Bay,

This was, predictably, a schlockfest. I could spend all day listing the things wrong with this train wreck of a film you have sent me, but for the sake of brevity, I will only list out the most blatantly offensive bits for you. Not because I want you to take this and improve it, but because I want you to really sit down and think about the bullshit you've presented me.

* The explosions. By G-d the explosions.
* This is incredibly misogynist. The women in the film might as well be objects.
* Your depiction of the [[[SCP-217|Clockwork Fever]]] is laughable. A cube? It manifests as just a cube? This is pathetically uncreative.
* Why did you include so many explosions?
* The Mekhanites are portrayed as mindless brutes amidst a civil war. Yes, the Cogwork Orthodox Church may not get along with the Maxwellist sect, but this is really tasteless.
* The worst part about this civil war thing is I can't even tell which faction each is supposed to represent.
* This film depicts the corpse of Mekhane. The CORPSE of Mekhane. Don't you think seeing your deity dead would be distressing to the Mekhanites in the audience?
* Do you get hard when you see an explosion, Bay?

In short, this was a terrible filmgoing experience and I refuse to show it at this year's exhibition. You should feel bad for the careers of the actors you will inevitably ruin with this film.
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**From:** M.Bay@torchmail.drk
**To:** nobodysacritic@torchmail.drk
**Subject:** Re: Fuck's sake.

You know what? Don't worry about it. I don't need this anart shit anyway.
Peace, bitch.
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**From:**  curatorthe@torchmail.drk
**To:** nobodysacritic@torchmail.drk
**Subject:** Hey!


Hey critic,

It's been a while. Do you want to go see that //Transformers// movie? I think one of our guys worked on it. Looks like a good time.
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**From:** nobodysacritic@torchmail.drk
**To:** curatorthe@torchmail.drk 
**Subject:** RE: Hey!


Son of a bitch.

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Cool Guys Don't Look At Explosions

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