Link to article: Epilogue.
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[[collapsible show="+ Project Yurodivy: Mission Statement" hide="- encryption key accepted"]] [[div style="border:solid 5px #000000; background:#FFFFFF; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-top: 10px;"]] +++ Project Yurodivy: Mission Statement My mother's side of the family can be traced back to a 19th-century shtetl in what is today Belarus. Eventually, Jewish peasant life got to the point when every morning when they still woke up -- rather than having been murdered in their beds by the Black Hundreds -- became a statistical fluke. So, they left for America as soon as they could. But while they were still in the Russian Empire's borders, they did what any other culture does for stress relief -- they picked up all the stupidest stories to tell their grandkids. And many of these were about Russia's strangest little nonfictional stock character: the yurodivy, or the holy fool. The holy fool's job was to make a jackass of himself in the name of the Orthodox Church. It might sound counterintuitive, but this was just another way that ascetics could cloister themselves away from the sinful world -- by making sure nobody wants anything to do with them. I don't think there's an equivalent to the yurodivy here in America, save for a few particular street preachers. But it was more than just standing on a corner, wearing only heavy chains in the dead of winter, screaming "JESUS!" over and over. Holy foolery was meant to make sinners feel uncomfortable, to remind them that they strayed from the path laid out in the Bible. The righteous (and self-righteous) venerated their friendly neighborhood yurodivy like a holy man, even when he defecated in the middle of the street because "it's symbolic." Every twinge of annoyance in their presence was a sign that you weren't welcome in Heaven without some serious homework. Not even the Tsars were safe from the holy fool. St. Vasily the Blessed called out Ivan the Terrible -- to his face -- for being distracted by real estate in the middle of a church service. That same Vasily is now the namesake for the colorful cathedral that usually comes to mind when you hear the words "Russian Orthodox Church." ... Times change. Tsars went out of season. Russia drafted all their fools into high-level government jobs. And my family's now a party platter of all the religions you can name with your eyes closed. But when the human race loses its way -- or God forbid, if we, the Foundation, should sell our convictions out to the highest bidder -- who's going to pester us back on the right track? That question became the onus of Project Yurodivy. This leaves one question unanswered: why did we make the little guy love hamburgers so much? I //guess// we could have just made an unkillable robot designed to be annoying and call that a holy fool, but without a clear, tangible goal, there's no way to make sure he'd serve a higher cause -- or be immune to interference. First off, we couldn't make it a //cheese//burger because that's already a modification of the basic concept. We needed to a goal that's simpler -- something that's at the very base of an idea. The short answer: hamburgers are the embodiment of everyday modern life, with all its perks and imperfections. If you're living in a world where you can go out, get a hamburger, eat it, and come home -- for better or worse, that is the kind of world the Foundation wants to preserve. We die in the darkness so you can lunch in the light. And if there //aren't// any hamburgers left when he wakes up -- or if we need to use the Nandi-18 compound for that extra motivational push -- Hammie is patient. He doesn't come with a time limit. He'll do whatever he needs to do to single-handedly rebuild our world. Keep the faith. Trust the Fool. It's his job to be foolish, so what's your excuse? [[>]] +++++ - Dr. Verna Kahn (P.S.: No White Castle. He doesn't consider them "fully realized hamburgers.") [[/>]] [[/div]] [[/collapsible]] ------ **Item #:** SCP-8005 **Object Class:** Safe-Ante[[footnote]] Object has been introduced to our timeline prior to its creation; reclassification will take place once it has been formally created on October 12th, 2023. [[/footnote]] **Special Containment Procedures:** SCP-8005 is to be kept in its dormant state in a Standard Containment Locker at Site-59 until June 10th, 2022, when it will be properly integrated into Project Yurodivy. **Description:** SCP-8005 refers to an automaton that will be constructed by the Foundation on October 12th, 2023. It was introduced into our timeline extratemporally via SCP-001-LRD. The object is 30.5 centimeters in height, but is extremely dense for it size; it weighs 121.72 kilograms. It is composed of unidentified materials that have proven resistant to analysis. Additionally, most records of SCP-8005's construction have not yet been created. When the activation switch on SCP-8005's back is pressed, it displays sapience, sentience, and speech capabilities. As such, it answers to both "SCP-8005" and its future nickname from Project Yurodivy staff, "Hammie." While generally polite with Foundation staff, it demonstrates particular fondness for its creator (and the future head of Project Yurodivy), Dr. Verna Kahn. During activation, SCP-8005 will constantly pursue its primary objective, as dictated by Project Yurodivy: to touch a hamburger. Once physical contact is made with a hamburger, only then will it return to a dormant state. **Discovery:** On 8/28/2003, SCP-8005 was found in a hidden chamber of the Raccoon Mountain Caverns in Tennessee. It had entered an extended period of self-imposed dormancy[[footnote]]SCP-8005 refers to this function as "Nap Mode."[[/footnote]] during the year 12,359 BCE. Included with SCP-8005 was a series of instructions it had engraved on a nearby cave wall to be transported to SCP Foundation Site-59 as soon as possible. Data gleaned from its internal systems confirmed its claims of being created by the Foundation. > **Cycle End Log - SCP-8005** > **Cycle:** -1 > **Involved Personnel:** Dr. Isaiah Henderson, Director of Site-59 > **Date:** 9/20/2003 > > <Begin Log> > > //(Dr. Henderson enters the interview chamber. SCP-8005 is sitting cross-legged the table.)// > > **Henderson:** So, Hammie... > > **SCP-8005:** Yes? > > **Dr. Henderson:** We've been going over the memory we've gleaned from your activation cycle. Preventing these "Trolls" from causing an SK-class dominance shift will be significantly easier if we do it in advance. However, if you're worried about our preventative measures causing some kind of time paradox that could erase you from existence -- > > **SCP-8005:** The only things I worry about are hamburgers. > > **Henderson:** Well, SCP-001-LRD created a new timeline after the old one was destroyed. > > **SCP-8005:** Will I ever see Mother again? > > **Henderson:** Absolutely. But judging from the timestamps of your previous activation cycles, Dr. Kahn is probably a freshman in high school at the moment. And if we reintroduce you to her before she creates you... > > **SCP-8005:** ...she'd be understandably confused. I'll wait. > > **Henderson:** Also, just as a safety measure, we'll have to erase your memory of discovering your full potential. That won't stop you from discovering it again in the future, of course -- but only when it's really needed. I'm sorry, Hammie, but we can't risk you losing control of your new abilities. > > **SCP-8005:** No apologies necessary. The right to touch a hamburger is not meant to be won immediately through godlike powers. I must //prove// my worth in the arena of unrelenting struggle! > > **Henderson:** ...I guess? Anyway, thank you for understanding. > > **SCP-8005:** Understanding and cooperation is a time-tested hamburger-acquisition vector. > > **Henderson:** Heh, well, about that... > > //(Henderson pulls out a white paper bag.)// > > **SCP-8005:** Now, I must warn you. If that's a //false// hamburger, I strongly advise you to cease unpacking immediately. Multiple successful attempts have been made to deceive me during this cycle. I make a point of not reacting harshly or violently toward Foundation personnel. However, this activation has left me thoroughly worn out -- to the point where I'm beginning to question whether or not I'm truly synthetic. Silicon was never meant to feel this exhausted. So if I am deceived here, there is a high probability that you will find me //significantly// less cooperative in Foundation oper -- > > //(He unwraps the hamburger in the bag.)// > > //(SCP-8005 falls on its knees.)// > > **SCP-8005:** //OH MY GOD!// > > **Henderson:** You earned it. > > **SCP-8005:** ANALYZING... IT'S REAL... IT'S -- A //DOUBLE?!// > > **Henderson:** Eh, it wouldn't have felt right if you went to all that trouble for //one// patty. > > <End Log> [[=]] [[image hammiewin.png]] ++ //##00E8E8|Ending Q: Sweet Victory##// ++ //##00E8E8|Mission complete. See you next activation cycle.##// [[/=]]