5. We're here to help you help yourself help us help you help us help yourself help us help me if you can I'm feeling doo-oown~

Link to article: 5. We're here to help you help yourself help us help you help us help yourself help us help me if you can I'm feeling doo-oown~.

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[[=]]
+++ Procedure 20-Murgatroyd Log for SCP-9005-A-RD18 (Continued)
[[/=]]
------
**Test #:** 55
**Date:** 3/7/2025
**20-Murgatroyd Action(s):** 
* --Deliberately soiling himself in the presence of Foundation staff-- **Subject refused.**
* Subject teased a cat. -- ##green|**PASS**##
**Notes:** //Left subject in a room with a feral calico. Target interpreted a broad range of actions as "teasing" and the threshold was met immediately. Continued confinement of Subject w/target for an additional two hours for good measure. Subject prescribed antibiotics for multiple lacerations.// -- Dr. Summers
------
**Test #:** 56
**Date:** 3/8/2025
**20-Murgatroyd Actions:**
* --Deliberately soiling himself in the presence of Foundation staff-- **Subject refused.**
* --Deliberately soiling himself in the presence of Foundation staff-- **Subject refused.**
* --Deliberately soiling himself in the presence of Foundation staff-- **Subject refused.**
* --Deliberately soiling himself in the presence of Foundation staff-- **Subject refused.**
* Subject deliberately soiled himself in the presence of Foundation staff. -- ##green|**PASS**##
**Notes** //Fifth attempt successful by threatening to withhold antibiotics.// -- Dr. Summers
------
**Test #:** 57
**Date:** 3/9/2025
**20-Murgatroyd Action(s):** 
* --Teasing a badger-- **Subject refused.**
* --Teasing a vicious doberman-- **Subject refused.**
* Subject teased a badger. -- ##green|**PASS**##
**Notes:** //Subject seems to anger animals with his presence alone. Telling.// -- Dr. Summers
------
**Test #:** 58
**Date:** 3/9/2025
**20-Murgatroyd Action(s):** 
* --Teasing a vicious doberman-- ##red|**CANCELLED**##
* Subject hypothetically assaulted various microorganisms on the floor with his palm. -- ##red|**FAIL**##
* Subject accused Dr. Summers of ordering these tests for his own amusement. -- ##red|**FAIL**##[[footnote]](//"Byproducts and intentions are inherently separate."// -- Dr. Summers)[[/footnote]]
* Subject made several untrue allegations about Dr. Summers's mother. -- ##green|**PASS**##
**Notes:** //Re: Ethics Committee moratorium -- previous two tests indicated that teasing different species of animals was sufficient to fulfill individual 20-Murgatroyds. Thinning his options is dangerous. By refusing to let SCP-9005-A-RD18 bother a room full of agitated ferrets tomorrow as scheduled, you have potentially taken months -- if not years -- off his life.// -- Dr. Summers
------
**Test #:** 59
**Date:** 3/10/2025
**20-Murgatroyd Action(s):** 
* --Groping Researcher Jasmine Carmichael's breasts-- **Subject refused.**
* Subject informed Researcher Carmichael about his orders during testing. -- ##red|**FAIL**##
* ...which caused unnecessary distress to Researcher Carmichael when Dr. Summers refuted these allegations. -- ##red|**FAIL**##
* During the resulting argument with Dr. Summers, Subject raised his voice enough to startle Researcher Zhao. -- ##green|**PASS**##
**Notes:** //"Chronic dishonesty about one's own intentions" has not yet fulfilled 20-Murgatroyd. The Viper's sense of morality may conflict with our own in more ways than anticipated.// -- Dr. Summers
[[/div]]

> **Interview Log -- Pre-Bedtime Questioning**
> **Interviewer:** Dr. Trent Summers
> **Interviewed:** SCP-9005-A-RD18
> **Date/Time:** 3/10/2025, 9:00 PM
> 
> <Begin Log>
> 
> **Summers:** Where do you see yourself, 20 years from now?
> 
> **9005-A-RD18:** ...don't you know enough about me, by now?
> 
> **Summers:** Robin, for the last time, these are just questions, and you are under //no obligation whatsoever// to answer any of them. Now, are you going to answer my question, or are we going to be here all night?
> 
> **9005-A-RD18:** That doesn't make any sense.
> 
> **Summers:** I have 17 humanoid anomalies under my care, and you are the only one among them to think that what I'm saying doesn't make sense. //Answer.//
> 
> **9005-A-RD18:** All right, all right! Geez...
> 
> Well, in 20 years, I'd have bought some land in Peoria and built a nice little house with the help of some of my old bouncer friends from the club. For work, I'd sit in coffeeshops and sip Oranginas (and at that point in the future, mark my words, Orangina will have made a comeback as the #1 soda for fancy boys), writing little commercial jingles for multiple clients. And I'll go hiking with a border collie named Flavor-Blasted Goldfish (Goldie for short) on my off days. 
> 
> And every evening, I'd plop into bed next to a super nice girl who really likes the backrubs I give her, and talk about saving up for a long trip to Barcelona. (I don't know nothing about Barcelona, I'm pretty sure it's in Greece or something, but it sounds like something a hypothetical nice backrub-liking girl would be really into in this situation and I wanna spoil her.)
> 
> **Summers:** ...
> 
> **9005-A-RD18:** ...Pretty cool, right?
> 
> **Summers:** So, no kids?
> 
> **9005-A-RD18:** Nah. I'd have to be a dad first and a Jinglanator second. That'd be my nightmare.
> 
> **Summers:** ...Not even //one// kid.
> 
> **9005-A-RD18:** Yeah, that fits pretty well with what I literally just said. Besides, technically, I got thousands of kids and end up throwing half of them away! //[Chuckle.]//
> 
> **Summers:** So you're going to write little songs for commercials.
> 
> **9005-A-RD18:** Mm-hmm.
> 
> **Summers:** //Instead// of fulfilling a biological milestone that even rats can accomplish.
> 
> **9005-A-RD18:** ...Do you //want// me to have kids?
> 
> **Summers:** Well, to be perfectly honest, I don't think you should be allowed to reproduce. But at the same time, the fact that you don't even //want// to ... Tell you what, let's change the subject.
> 
> **9005-A-RD18:** I like this idea.
> 
> **Summers:** Do you believe it's ethical to focus this much of your life on jingles?
> 
> **9005-A-RD18:** Of course! It's the most fun you can have with a pen and paper.
> 
> **Summers:** I did not say "fun." I said //ethical.//
> 
> **9005-A-RD18:** It's both.
> 
> **Summers:** But //why// is it ethical?
> 
> **9005-A-RD18:** ...Why not?
> 
> **Summers:** Do you know how many people were shot in Ukraine today?
> 
> **9005-A-RD18:** I, uh, don't get newspapers in --
> 
> **Summers:** Do you realize how close the human race is to extinction thanks to climate change, geopolitical brinksmanship, authoritarianism, and uncontrolled late-stage capitalism? And that's just the mundane factors. Could you even understand how many compound apocalypses the Foundation is currently holding back with a little Dutch boy's finger in a dike at the edge of Amsterdam? 
> 
> **9005-A-RD18:** What does that have to do with my jingles?
> 
> **Summers:** See, you're //so close// to getting it. 
> 
> **9005-A-RD18:** I disagree.
> 
> **Summers:** How many senators have you called in the past year?
> 
> **9005-A-RD18:** No one gave me a --
> 
> **Summers:** //Prior to containment.//
> 
> **9005-A-RD18:** Right... Oh! One!
> 
> **Summers:** Who?
> 
> **9005-A-RD18:** El Senator's Empanadas in East Peoria! They weren't on GrubHub, so I had to call in my order the old-fashioned way, and...
> 
> //[Summers sighs, rubbing his aching temples.]//
> 
> ...I know that sounds confusing, but empanadas are basically little dumplings made out of special bananas.
> 
> **Summers:** Robin, thousands of people are dying every second, and all you can think about are writing ten-second songs that no one wants! See the disconnect?
> 
> **9005-A-RD18:** That no one wants //yet!//
> 
> **Summers:** You could put all that effort toward stopping any of the problems I just laid out. You could run for local office. You could arm yourself and die fighting the system. You could take a fucking entry-level factory job and donate all your earnings to the ACLU.
> 
> **9005-A-RD18:** But how would I buy food if I don't have my paychecks?
> 
> **Summers:** Why do you need to?
> 
> **9005-A-RD18:** Uh... survival? I don't wanna starve.
> 
> **Summers:** And what good is the continued survival of a 300-pound case study in Peter Pan Syndrome who can't be bothered to help his neighbor unless the ideal life he promised himself as a child is somehow involved? When a neurosurgeon in a refugee camp starves to death while a hopelessly immature jingle-writer who contributes nothing to society gets to eat 27 empanadas, there is something fundamentally wrong in the world that can only be corrected with bloodshed.
> 
> **9005-A-RD18:** Doc... I'm not hurting anyone.
> 
> **Summers:** You're sure as shit not helping anyone, which is arguably worse.
> 
> **9005-A-RD18:** Well, what the heck am I supposed to do?! I vote, I sign petitions, I signal boost -- y'know, the same stuff everyone else does!
> 
> **Summers:** And yet, giving up your selfish dream is too much of a sacrifice for the survival of the human race...
> 
> **9005-A-RD18:** JINGLES ARE AN //ART!//
> 
> **Summers:** That generative AI is about to replace, but go on.
> 
> **9005-A-RD18:** No, really! I don't care about my dream, I care about making people happy. They spread messages of joy, good vibes, and sweet deals at HomeGoods. Every time I hear the Empire Carpet song, I feel like a hero. Like I can accomplish anything. That's how I wanna make people feel!
> 
> **Summers:** And for the rest of us who //didn't// have to repeat third grade twice, it makes us feel like "oh, goddamn it, not that mustachioed carpet fuck again."
> 
> **9005-A-RD18:** I'm sure there are plenty of other people who'd --
> 
> **Summers:** No. It's just you. That song is an interesting little noise that your broken brain latched onto in search of meaning where none existed. 
> 
> You're the sort of person who would see unparalleled emotional significance in an unnamed background character in a Disney movie, draw them in diapers, masturbate to it twice daily while the rest of the world burns to the ground, then beg the survivors to tell you "good job" for it.
> 
> You are everything wrong with modern society given flesh: immature, monstrous, brutish, stupid, selfish on a scale rarely seen since Caligula, and truly, wholly, //violently// unnecessary. 
> 
> Frankly, given the choice between the two of you, I'd rather be conducting this interview with Simon Dabrowski. At least he's honest about the kind of person he is. 
> 
> **//You make me vomit.//**
> 
> ...
> 
> **9005-A-RD18:** [[size 75%]]I would like to go to bed now.[[/size]]
> 
> **Summers:** Very well. Would it help if I brought you a teddy bear?
> 
> **9005-A-RD18:** [[size 75%]]No.[[/size]]
> 
> **Summers:** No, really, I could bring you one. 
> 
> **9005-A-RD18:** [[size 75%]]I don't want a teddy bear.[[/size]]
> 
> **Summers:** But the Ethics Committee //loves// guys like you. You could have a nice little teddy bear of your very own. You can squeeze it, pretend to talk to it, give it little kisses, sing it your little jingles, maybe even --
> 
> **9005-A-RD18:** [[size 125%]]**//GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY FACE!//**[[/size]]
> 
> ...
> 
> **Summers:** Robbie, if you talk to someone like that, you're going to make them feel like they're being shot. Do better.
> 
> <End Log>

[[div style="border:solid 5px #000000;background #ffffff; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-top:10px;"]]
**Test #:** 103
**Date:** 4/24/2025
**20-Murgatroyd Action(s):** 
* Subject punched a human test subject[[footnote]](D-81116)[[/footnote]] in the crotch. -- ##green|**PASS**## 
**Notes:** //Lack of hesitation troubling. Bracing myself for the inevitable "but you told me to do it" pity party.// -- Dr. Summers
------
**Test #:** 105
**Date:** 4/25/2025
**20-Murgatroyd Action(s):** 
* Subject strangled a human test subject[[footnote]](D-79229)[[/footnote]] to the point of unconsciousness. -- ##green|**PASS**## 
**Notes:** ##red|**EMERGENCY UPDATE**##
> //Found the 9mm gun from January 23rd under his pillow. Same exact gun, too -- checked the serial number. Loaded with a fresh round of blanks. Confiscated.//
> 
> //Despite my threats last January, I've decided not to go forward with the full audit. The initial investigation turned up nothing, and I'm unlikely to have better results a second time. Besides, no one here would have any realistic motivation to see Robin armed with something that only does damage at close range.//
> 
> //Chalking this up to a potential additional effect of SCP-9005. I'll continue to confiscate if this becomes a pattern.//
------
**Test #:** 106
**Date:** 4/26/2025
**20-Murgatroyd Action(s):** 
* Subject strangled a human test subject[[footnote]](D-49182)[[/footnote]] to death. -- ##green|**PASS**##
**Notes:** //Subject still believes he is capable of feeling remorse. Currently crying himself to sleep while singing a wheedling little song to himself about a goldfish or something.// -- Dr. Summers
------
**Test #:** 107
**Date:** 4/27/2025
**20-Murgatroyd Action(s):** 
* --Killing a baby--[[footnote]]Unnamed, female, 6 months old. Pulled from the human sacrifice candidates for SCP-████.[[/footnote]] **Subject refused.**
* --Killing a baby-- **Subject refused.**
* --Killing a baby-- **Subject refused.**
* --Killing a baby-- **Subject refused.**
* --Killing a baby-- **Subject refused.**
* --Killing a baby-- **Subject refused.**
* --Killing a baby-- **Subject refused.**
* --Killing a baby-- **Subject refused.**
* --Killing a baby-- **Subject refused.**
* --Killing a baby-- **Subject refused.**
* --Killing a baby-- **Subject refused.**
* --Killing a baby-- **Subject refused.**
* --Killing a baby-- **Subject refused.**
* --Killing a baby-- **Subject refused.**
* --Killing a baby-- **Subject refused.**[[footnote]](//Subject reminded that he will not leave the cell until he carries out his orders.// -- Dr. Summers)[[/footnote]]
* --Killing a baby-- **Subject refused.**
* --Killing a baby-- **Subject refused.**
* --Killing a baby-- **Subject refused.**
* --Killing a baby-- **Subject refused.**
* --Killing a baby-- **Subject refused.**
* --Killing a baby-- **Subject refused.**[[footnote]](//Began a dramatic reading over the intercom of Subject's thread on Kiwifarms, without stopping until the task has been completed.// -- Dr. Summers)[[/footnote]]
* --Killing a baby-- **Subject refused.**
* --Killing a baby-- **Subject refused.**
* --Killing a baby-- **Subject refused.**
* --Killing a baby-- **Subject refused.**
* --Killing a baby-- **Subject refused.**
* --Killing a baby-- **Subject refused.**[[footnote]](//Jesus Christ, this thread goes on forever...// -- Dr. Summers)[[/footnote]]
* --Killing a baby-- **Subject refused.**
* --Killing a baby-- **Subject refused.**
* --Killing a baby-- **Subject refused.**
* --Killing a baby-- **Subject refused.**
* --Killing a baby-- **Subject refused.**
* Subject screamed, causing the baby to go into cardiac arrest from a previously-undiagnosed heart condition. -- ##green|**PASS**##[[footnote]](//Subject informed that this could have been avoided had he made anything but constant nonverbal indications that this wasn't what he actually wanted.// -- Dr. Summers)[[/footnote]]
**Notes:** //Found the gun under his pillow again. I'm **this** close to asking if he could manifest a fifth of bourbon, too. Heh.// -- Dr. Summers
[[/div]]

> **From:** mashton2@foundation.scp
> **To:** jcarmichael@foundation.scp
> **Subject:** Re: Dr. Summers investigation query
> 
> [[=]]
> + {{WARNING}}
> 
> ++ {{**SEXTUS mention detected. Permanently delete this email within ten minutes of opening or security personnel will be summoned to your location.**}}
> [[/=]]
> 
> //(Read quickly. They say ten, but in practice, it's more like seven.)//
> 
> Researcher Carmichael,
> 
> On behalf of the rest of the Foundation Ethics Committee, thank you for bringing this case to my attention. Rest assured, you're far from the first of Dr. Summers' colleagues to do so. I will tell you what I've told them.
> 
> Yes, SCP-9005-A-RD18's treatment is abhorrent. No, we are not able to go forward with any disciplinary proceedings for Dr. Summers, nor will we be able to do so. The reason we can't move forward has nothing to do with anyone above Dr. Summers siding with him, or believing this is anything but abuse. 
> 
> The reason has everything to do with SCP-9005 and SEXTUS.
> 
> I am involved with SEXTUS. I cannot tell you what SEXTUS is, or what that has to do with anything. In fact, while you're onsite, do not say the word "SEXTUS" in a contextually dangerous sentence, i.e. "I heard about something called SEXTUS," or "What's SEXTUS, some kind of doomsday device?" Doing so too many times without the right security clearance may trigger the SIN[[footnote]](The Shibboleth Identification Network, an auditory contextual alarm system linked to all Foundation sites.)[[/footnote]] to automatically lock down your entire site for up to a month.
> 
> To give you some idea of the secrecy involved, the following statements...
> * "The term SEXTUS refers to a clandestine Foundation entity."
> * "Dr. Mina Ashton is involved with SEXTUS."
> * "SCP-9005 is involved with SEXTUS."
> * "Vicariously, the Administrator is involved with SEXTUS."
> ...describe the entirety of what the O5 Council is allowed to know about SEXTUS.
> 
> Your concern is admirable. But Dr. Summers was chosen for a reason, and it wasn't the reason either he or his patient believe.
> 
> In fact, without exaggeration, the SCP Foundation's continued existence rests on the fact that Dr. Summers has no idea what he's really doing.
> 
> [[>]]
> -- Dr. Mina Ashton, Foundation Ethics Committee
> [[/>]]

[[=]]
+++ {{[https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-9005/offset/5 < Lost little fish, where have you gone...? >]}}
[[/=]]