Link to article: Opening Attachment: pantagruel.wmv.
> //(Camera feed begins in a tundra somewhere in Greenland.)// > > //(An arched metallic barrier is nearby with two people in hazmat suits. Along with a triple crescent moon emblem, their suits have the nametags "Tamino" and "Matapang." The former speaks with a masculine voice; the latter's voice is feminine.)// > > //(An instance of [[[SCP-5298]]] is on the other side of the barrier. It's clad in white ceremonial robes and carries an oaken rod with ritualistic carvings.)// > > **Tamino:** Camera OK? > > **Camera Operator:** Good to go. > > **Tamino:** Blast shield? > > **Matapang:** Secure. > > **Tamino:** Kill vehicle? > > **Matapang:** //(Holds up a duffel bag)// Secure. > > **Tamino:** Executor drone in place? > > **Matapang:** Still en route. Shouldn't be much more than a minute. > > **Tamino:** Celebrant drone in place? > > **SCP-5298-██:** FUCK YOU, DAD! > > //(SCP-5298-██'s voice suddenly shifts to that of a middle-aged man.)// > > **SCP-5298-██:** Apologies. Looks like this one defaulted to autopilot after extended inactivity. > > **Tamino:** Do not let it happen during the modified summoning ritual. That phase has to be 100% perfect, remember? We can't allow the entity even the slightest chance to start the "eternal hunt" phase. > > **Matapang:** The kill vehicle would work regardless. > > **Tamino:** A two-second-long ΩK/A-class scenario would still be an international incident. > > **Matapang:** Fair enough. > > **Tamino:** Also, what's keeping our executor -- > > //(Small explosion nearby.)// > > **Tamino:** JALAKÅRA be praised. > > **Matapang:** I hope it's a [https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-2578 Limulid]. I've always wanted to see one of those things up close... Never mind, it's the booby prize. > > //(A previously undiscovered iteration of [[[SCP-4922]]] comes into the field of view. It's a blue and orange variant of Kermit the Frog.)// > > **SCP-4922-██:** Hi-ho! Karma //thee// Frog here, ready to dispense swift and brutal justice to the enemies of JALAKÅRA and President Niang. > > **Matapang:** If we're gonna use this thing, we're better off just giving me the kill vehicle. > > **SCP-4922-██:** //(Scrunches face.)// Sheesh! Excuse me for saving you the effort. > > **Tamino:** Everyone's in place. Commencing. > > **SCP-4922-██:** Oh, good! > > //(Tamino motions for the Camera Operator to get behind the barrier. View shifts to the interior.)// > > **SCP-4922-██:** Could you grab me the kill vehicle, Ms. Matapang? My fingers are a bit too thin for zippers. > > //(Matapang grumbles and unzips the duffel bag.)// > > **Tamino:** Celebrant! > > **SCP-5298-██:** //Ready!// > > **Tamino:** Fire in the hole! > > //(They huddle closer to the inside of the barrier.)// > > //(5298-██ sings a hymn in an unknown language for 24 seconds.)// > > //(There's a large explosion accompanied by pale green light. The barrier buckles. Broken pieces of 5298-██ are seen flying past the barrier.)// > > **Tamino:** Hunt phase?! > > //(Matapang checks her laptop.)// > > **Matapang:** No lambda waves detected. ΩK/A scenario negative. > > **SCP-4922-██:** It's time to get things started. > > //(4922-██ exits the barrier holding the kill vehicle, a pointed wooden stick approximately one meter in length. The word "CLEANSING" has been hastily engraved all over the stick several hundred times. The camera operator hesitates for a few seconds, but follows.)// > > //(SCP-UBU, laughing, slowly stands up from a prone position in a crater caused by the explosion. 4922-██ approaches from behind.)// > > **SCP-UBU:** Meescho... Meeeee-schoooo... > > //(UBU looks around.)// > > **SCP-UBU:** Meescho? > > //(4922-██ taps UBU with its free hand.)// > > **SCP-4922-██:** Excuse me! > > //(Snarling, UBU turns around.)// > > //(4922-██ promptly stabs UBU in the belly with the kill vehicle.)// > > //(UBU vocalizes in amused curiosity, then falls backward.)// > > //(Upon landing, UBU's body transmutes into a pile of salt.)// > > //(4922-██ turns to face the camera.)// > > **SCP-4922-██:** Target successfully neutralized! //(Flails arms.) Yaaaaaaaay!// > > <End Log> > Foundation. > > In case you weren't aware: a researcher of yours, one Aaron Gualtieri, has recently passed away. Upon his arrival to Corbenic and subsequent retrieval by ☽☽☽ Screening Agents, Mr. Gualtieri informed us that your iteration of Earth was due for a bit of trouble with a certain creature that's familiar to our world. > > "SCP-UBU" is - rather, was - a pantagruel (//Gargantuanovichensis ferox//), a common nuisance in the canyons south of Outer Saklovai. Though I wouldn't doubt its destructive potential in a world free of its natural enemies, this specimen in particular was unusually small and weak for its species. No doubt it was the runt of its litter. > > It's not unheard of for a pantagruel to access one of many "jump points" in the forbidden prefectures to cause mischief in other dimensions. And it's likely that this one had secured Second Prince NÅZHDAK's favor in one way or another in order to anoint its living presence with both the Rite of World-Sealing and the Eternal Hunt. (NÅZHDAK has a bit of an unsettling fixation with these silly creatures.) > > But should this happen again with a separate pantagruel, remember this... > > The indigenous tribes of Outer Saklovai hate pantagruels for obvious reasons. A common rite of passage for boys who reach the age of 13 is to leave the village, not to return until they've bagged a pantagruel. > > This is how they pull it off, this is how //we// pulled it off - and, moving forward, this is how //you// should pull it off: > > # Grab a length of wood and sharpen it to a point. > # Carve the word "CLEANSING" in any language into it for a minimum of 200 times. (There is no maximum, but let's be honest, doing it more than 200 times isn't going to make the pantagruel any deader.) > # Anywhere that there's a free space for carving left on the stick, engrave the following phrase just as it's written here: "NAI FADUZH JALAKÅRA."[[footnote]] Translation from Upper Arcane: "(Thou art) salt (in the) presence (of) JALAKÅRA." [[/footnote]] > # Stab it anywhere into the pantagruel's body. > > And there you have it! > > As for Mr. Gualtieri, don't worry about him. He has been amply rewarded and offered a position on the Foundation Continuance Program on Luna Major. I would suggest naming something after him on your end - you owe him dearly. > > [[=]] > ++ You are watched. You are protected. You are loved. > ++ ☽☽☽ > [[/=]] {{...}} {{...}} {{NO}} {{NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO}} {{NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO}} {{NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO}} {{NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO}} {{NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO}} {{NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO}} {{NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO}} {{NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO}} {{NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO}} {{NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO}} {{NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO}} {{NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO}} {{NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO}} {{NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO}} {{NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO}} {{NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO}} {{NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO}} {{NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO}} {{NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO}} {{NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO}} {{NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO}} {{NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO}} {{NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO}} {{NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO}} {{NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO}} {{NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO}} {{NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO}} {{NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO}} [[=]] {{ [Page 1 of 7,590 > ] }} [[/=]] [[=]] **[http://scp-wiki.net/dyfscp-001/offset/7 (Final iteration of SCP-001)]** [[/=]]