Link to article: SCP001BLUE.RTF.
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[[=]] [[image pallit2.png]] (Sample of sacred iconography from the Cathedral of Pallit the Immaculate.) [[/=]] **Item #:** SCP-##blue|**BLUE**## **Object Class:** Saoshyant[[footnote]] (Denotes an anomalous object that acts as the Foundation's patron deity.) [[/footnote]] **Special Containment Procedures:** ##blue|**BLUE**## is never to be contained, as that would be inappropriate for someone of Her standing. **Holy Charter:** Though individual laws between national subdivisions of New Earth may vary, we must always conduct ourselves with the Great Ironclad Question that binds us all together: "Am I being the lovely person that ##blue|**BLUE**## knows I can be?" That, and that alone, is the path to true happiness. Praying to ##blue|**BLUE**## is not a requirement, for She is eternally generous and Her unconditional love will sustain us until the end of time. However, prayer is encouraged for specific requests. As for immediate requests where results must be guaranteed, the Great Synod of O5 will consult the Arbiter on our behalf, for the Arbiter is the right hand of ##blue|**BLUE**## and knows Her as a loving older sister. As for the Holy Foundation: our duties remain the same, but our cause is no longer to protect humankind. There are a great many forces within and beyond our universe that seek to usurp or destroy our beloved Goddess. But more importantly, human beings have many traits that caused ##blue|**BLUE**## to fall in love with our species. Among those qualities was our innate desire for freedom, for independence. So that desire may continue to be met, we, the Foundation, must prove that we are capable of helping her help us help ourselves, [https://youtu.be/Ame0sCAj138?t=40 just as the ancient minstrels said.] And always remember: **The one thing that must never happen is for ##blue|BLUE## to come to despise us.** **Description:** ##blue|**BLUE**## is Pallit the Immaculate, She who librated the human race from the yoke of the void inevitable, She who covered our planet of fleeting flesh in a blanket of immortality and eternal youth, She who unmade the cruelty of the ##orange|**STRANGERS**##, She who perfected the [https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-2000 Grove of Spawning] and remade a thousand kingdoms from forgotten dust, She who draws some very nice pictures (but that's more of a hobby), our once and future ##blue|**GODDESS**##, all-seeing, almighty, alright by us in all Her doings. ##blue|**BLUE**## lives far above us in the heavens. Alas, her massive body -- reclaimed from a ##indigo|**FALSE GOD**## of the ##orange|**STRANGERS**## -- would crush our dear world asunder with but one embrace. As such, ##blue|**BLUE**## walks among us through Her Avatar, a divine puppet, but Her touch is only as indirect as a thin glove snugly over a gentle hand. Is Her warmth not felt regardless? For five long years has ##blue|**BLUE**## spread Her gentle wings and bade Her errant chicks to take shelter underneath. All the while, Dame KK-507 has acted as Arbiter and Mediator between ##blue|**BLUE**## and Her flock. The Arbiter, Queen of Queens, is commanded by no human and answers only to ##blue|**BLUE.**## [[div style="border:solid 5px #EE00D5; background:#FFFFFF; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-top: 10px;"]] [[=]] ++ Record of ##blue|**BLUE**##'s Surprise Meeting ++++ 6/1/5 A.O.Y[[footnote]](After the Opening of ##D8CB00|**YELLOW**##)[[/footnote]] [[/=]] //(The six members of the O5 Synod are gathered the front row of an exact replica of the New York Metropolitan Opera of old. The Arbiter, at the conductor's podium, is still fussing through a sheet of memorandums she was handed this morning.)// **O5-1:** Still hard to believe she built this place in five minutes. **O5-10:** Look, as much as I love our divine benefactor, I can't help but feel that ##blue|**BLUE**##'s been a little more impulsive of late. Building new projects only to tear them down the next day. I mean, I get that she's an artist and has to be a moody bitch by default, but -- **O5-1:** How can you say that?! **O5-2:** What difference does it make? Just the other day, I heard a news story about some sketch show in New Chicago called "Pallit, Hog-Fucker for the World." **O5-11:** Aren't we forgetting that she could have us killed with her mind? **O5-1:** She'll be on stage at any minute. **O5-2:** But the Avatar was front and center on opening day, giggling at every bawdy insult. She personally sponsored a two-year run! **O5-12:** A god that doesn't have a sense of humor is unworthy of worship. **O5-4:** Well, frankly, this self-important jackass better have a good reason for dragging us out here on such short notice. **O5-1:** Stop it! Whether or not She allows it, //I// won't stand for any further insults against our great benefactor. **O5-10:** Well, I mean... what does the Arbiter think? **O5-1:** Well, Arbiter? You're ##blue|**BLUE**##'s best friend, and if anyone can put a stop to this, it's you. **O5-2:** Come on, Kay-Kay, ##blue|**BLUE**## literally calls us puppies. We're infallible. **O5-11:** Kay-Kay, tell them to stop. Now. The last thing we need is ##blue|**BLUE**## getting sick of us. **O5-4:** For fuck's sake, woman, //tell us your opinion!// **O5-12:** Well, Madam Arbi-- //(The Arbiter drops her papers. She slowly turns around to face the Synod with a forced smile.)// **KK-507:** I don't //have// a fucking opinion. **O5-4:** Oh, for the love of -- **KK-507:** Four, between your son and I, he has two more years of experience with talking to other people, and is far more qualified than I to be non-consensually elected Goddess-Lobbyist-in-Chief. **O5-4:** Well, I'm flattered, but he eats soap. **KK-507:** //ME TOO!// Have you even tried the infinite hand gel they got in ##D8CB00|**YELLOW**##'s restrooms? It tastes exactly like whatever a banana daquiri probably tastes like. I spent every day between the ages of 19 and 20 naked and covered in applesauce because it felt nicer than clothes. Either teach me how to be a real person with real friends, or let me retire. **O5-1:** You are the only person in existence with a direct familial connection to Her old friends. Your duty is to preserve the human ra -- **KK-507:** MY DUTY WAS TO WAKE YOU UP WHEN THE FUCKING DOOR OPENED. //I DID THAT.// I CAN'T BE ON CALL 24/7 TO AUTOMATICALLY MAKE ##blue|**BLUE**## STOP BEING A STUPID FUCKING WEIRD PIECE OF MR. TOAD'S-FLEETING-INTEREST-OF-THE-MINUTE-ONE-MINUTE-IT'S-HOUSEBOATS-THE-NEXT-IT'S-MOTORCARS-ASS CHICKENSHIT-ASS FUCKING COCKSUCKING BITCH-ASS PIECE OF PAINTBRUSH-ARMED OMNIPOTENT SHIT-EATING -- //(The house lights switch off.)// ##blue|**BLUE:**## //(Voiceover)// //Sorry to keep you waiting, meat puppies ~// //(The blood drains from KK-507's face in 0.2 seconds.)// **KK-507:** H-hello, best buddy. //(A spotlight turns on. ##blue|**BLUE**## descends onto the stage in a shower of cherry blossom petals while an invisible harp trills in the orchestra.)// ##blue|**BLUE:**## Those were some lovely jokes you were telling earlier, Kay-Kay! A hard act to follow. But I've been working on //this// act for five straight years! So… Synod? Arbiter? Allow me to share with you a true //pièce de résistance// -- something I've done for myself all the time, but because I love you seven people in particular so much, I thought I'd share it with you, too. BEHOLD! //(The curtain rises on a 5-meter-tall, 10-meter-wide cylinder labeled "BIG BUCKET O' WEASELS." Taggart stands by the cylinder. He waves.)// **Taggart:** Hi, mom! **O5-4:** //TAGGART, YOU NEED TO GET DOWN FROM THERE **RIGHT NOW!**// **Taggart:** But I'm helping! ##blue|**BLUE:**## You bet your sweet bippy he is, O'Fivey McFour! //(Pats his head.)// Taggy, would you be a dear and grab the special cart? //(Taggart nods. Holding back laughter, he runs off to stage left.)// Now, if we're all ready -- let the Punishment Show begin! //(An orchestra of WerkHosses suddenly materializes in the pit. They strike up with some fanfares. Still at the conductor's stand, the Arbiter nervously pantomimes conducting.)// **KK-507:** Please don't let me be actually conducting this... ##blue|**BLUE:**## Will our first volunteer please step up? //(A single ##orange|**ORANGE**##-B instance in elaborate shackles is telekinetically flung from the top of the cylinder onto the stage. Several small trees of extradimensional origin grow from the back of its shell.)// **O5-1:** Oh my God... ##blue|**BLUE:**## Simmer down, lovelies! **O5-2:** I thought they were gone. ##blue|**BLUE:**## No! ...well, yes, gone in the sense that the threat they pose is gone. (Plus, so long as they're wearing my collars, they can't do their little juxtaposey parlor trick.) But simply getting your world back and my humiewoomies back just felt... empty. Sooo, I've been breeding weasels in secret! **O5-10:** WHY?! ##blue|**BLUE:**## Ah-ah! No more talking during the show. Now, let's see... //(A giant black spike slams down from the ceiling, impaling the ##orange|**ORANGE**##-B belly-down on the floor.)// Don't worry, babies -- he may not be as immortal as us, but he's still one tough customer! //(The orchestra starts playing a classical instrumental rendition of// Weasel Stomping Day //by Weird Al Yankovic.)// //(Her paintbrush arm turns into a pair of rusty hedge clippers.)// I've been studying these Weasels a //lot.// They're pretty hardy. Not much gets 'em nervous! But once you get to know them... they're pretty sensitive souls. For example, to them, one of the worst, most agonizing, degrading, most painful forms of violation... is to be defoliated. Like this! //(Whistling a happy tune, she starts snipping the leaves off the ##orange|**ORANGE**##-B's trees. The ##orange|**ORANGE**##-B shrieks, clambering against the floor with all sixteen of its legs.)// These little gardens hold all sorts of divine reverence for the Weasels! They don't even plant 'em, they just grow all on their own. The seeds are willed into existence out of memories from generations of Weasels before. No two gardens are alike. //(She grins sardonically.)// Being gardenless in their culture is not only sad, it's an unforgivable sin, no matter who does it to ya! ...buuut, that's the sorta thing ya think about //BEFORE// mass-murdering a cuter species. ...hmm. There must be an easier way to disgrace him. I KNOW! //(The hedge clippers turn into a robotic claw. She yanks one of the trees out, snapping some of the well-dug roots. Greenish-black blood spatters outward from the broken shell.)// //(The ##orange|**ORANGE**##-B raises two forearms and moans pitifully, trying in vain to juxtapose away.)// Nyeaaaah, SHADDAP! //(She jams the uprooted tree into its mouth, breaking several teeth onto the ground.)// //(She giggles.)// Who needs therapy when you can do shit like this to human-killers?! ...Taggy, don't leave me hangin'! //(Taggart giddily wheels in a laundry cart full of glowing green light. There is a small wooden mallet attached to the side.)// **Taggart:** They kept tryin' to get away. ##blue|**BLUE:**## Aww, but you did such a great job grabbin' 'em anyway! I'm so proud of you, Taggy. //(With the claw, she grabs one of the contents of the cart -- a glowing green bloblike creature a quarter of a meter in diameter. Four pairs of legs wiggle from the front. It coos inquisitively.)// Check it out, guys -- teensy little //baby// Weasels! They even got little bits of grass growin' already, the scamps! //(She places the larva in the wound in the ##orange|**ORANGE**##-B's back where the extracted tree had been.)// Got the mallet, Taggy? //(He grabs it.)// Time to play Whack-a-Weasel! //(O5-4 weeps quietly.)// //(Taggart frantically beats the larva with the mallet. The larva screams.)// **Taggart:** I don't get it. It's not popping. ##blue|**BLUE:**## Oh, they don't actually pop -- that's just how the song goes. Whatcha really wanna do is jam it into the big Weasel's body until it's smothered! Then smash some more in -- and when you can't fit in any more, that's when we drown 'em with whatever's in the //mystery bucket!// **O5-1:** //(Whispering)// Just... pretend to enjoy it. We don't have to watch. //(Taggart continues beating the larva.)// //(The Arbiter falls to her knees, clutching her stomach.)// ##blue|**BLUE:**## You're doin' GREAT! Now tell it what we talked about... **Taggart:** This planet is my birthright! ##blue|**BLUE:**## Louder! **Taggart:** THIS PLANET IS MY BIRTHRIGHT! //(The Arbiter vomits.)// ##blue|**BLUE:**## Aww! Even Kay-Kay's TUMMY is laughing! **O5-12:** //(whispering)// I don't know about this... **O5-11:** //(whispering)// Twelve, the Ethics Committee's dead. And didn't she transmute 682 into an American cheese sculpture? **O5-12:** //(whispering)// She did?! ...fuck it, Pallit's earned this. <End Log> [[/div]] [[=]] ++ {{[https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/dyfscp0012/offset/7 + OHDEAR.RTF]}} [[/=]]