The Ballad Of Treefucker

Link to article: The Ballad Of Treefucker.

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[[div style="border:solid 5px #000000;background #ffffff; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-top:10px;"]]
++++ Note From Mr. Horace-In-The-Hole

//Oi, Gregory! That was Act One of Five. This ain't gonna be the smoothest mail run, if you catch my drift. You'd best pack a lunch, mate.//

//Listen, my cousin Cletus heard you were headed out, and he'd damn near pitched a fit unless I swore I'd relay this message to you: the best way to "save your progress" is to "bookmark these offset pages" or "visit the guide in the comment section," which is apparently something you'd be familiar with if "you've read [https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-8005 8005]."//

//(If that don't mean a thing to you, we're in the same boat. Bear in mind that Cletus is the sort of bloke what nibbles on chalk and thinks he was born on Neptune. Great dancer, though!)//

//Anyways, happy huntin', ya rapscallion!//
[[/div]]

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[[div style="border:solid 5px #cc0099;background #ffffff; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-top:10px;"]]
My only core memory from before my first birthday was when I was being held face-first against a stone altar. Apparently, some gash that a priest made in my cheek was being used as a brush to paint little hieroglyphs for the Big Red Boss.

Other than that, the first year of my life was a series of blurred calls and responses. Wake up, feel a new kind of pain, hear a new kind of unpronounceable word being chanted - two feeding tubes a day, one bath a day, and then, back to my spot in the old file cabinet.

In retrospect, it's ridiculous that I can talk about my ritualistic abuse with such nonchalance. But when you're new in the world and that's your //only// reality, and no one shows you anything nice to compare it with -- in a way, the predictability was comforting. And thankfully, I can't remember anything too specific.

I never met my biological parents. Every now and then, one of the feminine screams I heard stuck out as strangely familiar, but that's it.

My first trip outside was heralded by a flashbang and a mobile task force moving in -- and like that, my days were dominated by fluorescent lighting, lab coats, and smiling faces at Foundation Site-59. 

I wouldn't learn the finer details about my first years until much later -- and even then, there were some aspects that the others were still afraid to tell me. Maybe it's for the best.

But I was a born in a Children of the Scarlet King compound just outside of Macon, GA, raised to be a human sacrifice once I turned two. Amnestics hadn't been approved for babies -- but since I was the only kid who survived the raid, the then-site director, Dr. Isaiah Henderson, took me in as his onsite ward.

Years passed. [https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/now-watch-and-learn-heres-the-deal Dad died in some weird bananas-and-peanuts incident when I was six]. I gradually started going to "outside-people" school. Little Maddie Henderson, Site-59's de facto mascot, became Dr. Madeleine Henderson, Site-59's Electronic Anomalies Department Head.

And honestly, I would have worked without pay if they let me. Everything nice that ever happened to me since my birth, I owed to the Foundation.

Which makes the Lucerne Fiasco all the more infuriating...
[[/div]]

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[[=]]
+++ December 12th, 2047
[[/=]]

[[div style="border:solid 5px #4d0000;background #ffffff; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-top:10px;"]]
++++ //"Senseless Ecological Destruction" - Domestic Terrorist Apprehended in Kisatchie National Forest//

//MINDEN - The Webster Parish Sheriff's Department detained 43-year-old Jefferson Davis Schumacher of Minden, LA on suspicion of felling over 172 trees, 53 of which were endangered species.//

//All trees were felled over a two-week period in Kisatchie National Forest, having been severed from their base through blunt force, leaving stumps filled with a caustic chemical residue that has yet to be completely analyzed. Schumacher's alleged MO is still under investigation.//

//Schumacher, a rodent exterminator, is a prominent figure in multiple conspiracy theory forums on the Internet. On his blog, he has repeatedly accused the National Park Service of harboring "secret govment mcdonaldses where they make fetusburgurs" (sp).//

//Park officials traced the destruction of trees to Schumacher through emails he had sent the Rangers' Office a month prior to the attacks, threatening to dismantle their "antenna-trees" that they were supposedly using to locate fetuses for consumption. Suspicion was further corroborated by Schumacher's access to hazardous pesticides, as well as the fact that identical chemical residue was discovered in his car.//

//When questioned, Schumacher vehemently denied all allegations, claiming that the trees were destroyed by tree-hating monster with an obscene name...//

[[>]]
- NOLA.com
[[/>]]
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[[=]]
+++ December 15th, 2047
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[[div style="border:solid 5px #660000;background #ffffff; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-top:10px;"]]
**Interview Log: PoI-5815**
**Interviewer:** Col. Faye O'Hanlon, Local Task Force Fehu-17 "Gator Tots"
**Interviewed:** PoI-5815, Jefferson D. Schumacher
**Location:** Webster Parish Sheriff's Office, Interrogation Room 2

<Begin Log>

//[O'Hanlon enters the room. PoI-5818, handcuffed, fidgets in his seat.]//

**O'Hanlon:** Good afternoon, Mr. Schumacher, I hope you're feeling --

**PoI-5815:** Lemme guess, y'all here to chop my balls off and sell 'em to Ronald McDonald so they can make meat-clones outta my stem cells and abort 'em for that there new Fetus McRib?

**O'Hanlon:** ...

**PoI-5815:** Well, //too got-dang ol' gol-dern motherfuckin' BAD!// I foresaw y'all doin' that, so I done shot my balls off the other day! T'aint nothin' there no more, feel 'em! Go on!

**O'Hanlon:** Sir, I'm here to help with your release. Do not make me regret it.

**PoI-5815:** ...

**O'Hanlon:** Yeah.

**PoI-5815:** ...'kay, but that shit about shootin' my balls off stays in this here room, got it?

**O'Hanlon:** Fine. I wasn't here to talk about that anyway, I'm here to --

**PoI-5815:** Good! Good, cuz I ain't talkin' 'bout that! In fact, I didn't even //say// I shot 'em off for real! Y'all had me under duress! Forced confession!

**O'Hanlon:** //**SIR.**//

**PoI-5815:** ...

**O'Hanlon:** We're here to talk to you about... //(Heavy sigh.)// [[size 75%]]..."Treefucker."[[/size]]

**PoI-5815:** HA!! Treefugger's real! See?! Treefugger's real, y'all finely admit it! 

**O'Hanlon:** //I have confirmed nothing.//

**PoI-5815:** Nuh-uh, no take-backsies!

//[O'Hanlon checks her files.]//

**O'Hanlon:** Anyway, Mr. Schumacher, chemical analysis of the toxic residue left on the trees was forwarded to the Foundation following discovery of its anomalous properties. Among other compounds, we discovered the presence of human DNA, and... well, let's just say we now have evidence that these trees were felled //sexually.//

**PoI-5815:** Yer welcome!

**O'Hanlon:** However, we have not ruled out the possibility that //you// might be this "Treefucker."

**PoI-5815:** WHAT?! I ain't no gotdamn Treefugger! //Treefugger's// the Treefugger!

**O'Hanlon:** The emails you sent threatening to destroy trees in Kisatchie National Forest would indicate otherwise.

**PoI-5815:** But I was gon' use my chainsaw, not my dick! 

**O'Hanlon:** But what if you discovered a more efficient, more humiliating way to destroy these trees...?

**PoI-5815:** Why the //hell//'d I wanna fugg a tree, anyhow?! Big ol' fuggers fulla splinters n' shit!

**O'Hanlon:** And if you want to prove your innocence, we need to know more about the real Treefucker so that it can be apprehended.

**PoI-5815:** Oh?

**O'Hanlon:** For one thing, we understand that you have encountered this Treefucker at least once.

**PoI-5815:** ...yeah. Yeah, I did. Saw him a coupla times in my lawn. Sumbitch only comes out at night. See, I had this big ol' Chrimmus tree, a real one from Canada or summat, and I set it up in my driveway all fulla priddy-ass deckerations n' shit. I was sittin' there in my livin’ room watchin' Steven Seagal movies when alla sudden I see this big ol' skinny naked dude outside -- nine, ten feet high, I wanna say, long black hair all matted, looked like one a them music festival wooks we get here round about summertime -- he starts howlin' like a gotdamn monkey with his balls in a mousetrap, and he's peelin' off the pine needles off my tree, throws it down, cuts a slit into the trunka my tree, and BOING! In goes his gotdang wiener. 

**O'Hanlon:** [[size 60%]]I need a drink.[[/size]]

**PoI-5815:** Whazzat?

**O'Hanlon:** Continue.

**PoI-5815:** Well, anyway, havin' a Chrimmus tree gettin' fugged wasn't very Chrimmussy, so I grab my shotgun, git out there all //"HEY YA GOTDANG TREEFUGGER QUIT FUGGIN' THAT THERE TREE!"//

**O'Hanlon:** And how did he react to this?

//[PoI-5815 bows his head.]//

**PoI-5815:** ...he done fugged my car instead.

<End Log>
[[/div]]

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[[=]]
+++ December 16th, 2047
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[[div style="border:solid 5px #800000;background #ffffff; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-top:10px;"]]
**Security Camera Footage - Initial containment of Entity-TFK[[footnote]]Pre-containment provisional designation for what would later become SCP-20922-A.[[/footnote]]**
**Presiding Team:** LTF Fehu-17 "Gator Tots"
**Location:** Entity-TFK Trap Station 1, Kisatchie National Forest

<Truncated for Brevity>

[Night vision filter active.]

<23:04:29> A Frasier fir, purchased from a nearby Christmas Tree lot, sits in a tree stand in a forest clearing. Twelve stumps from Entity-TFK's rampages surround it.

<23:04:58> 29 strong footsteps can be heard approaching over the course of three seconds.

<23:05:01> It jumps in front of the tree. The entity's appearance is analogous to PoI-5815's account.

<23:05:02> It remains completely still, staring at the tree for three uninterrupted minutes. He does not blink.

<23:08:49> **Entity-TFK:** {{**You know, I probably shouldn't fuck this tree.**}}

<23:09:40> It picks up the tree.

<23:10:20> It peels the needles from several lower branches.

<23:10:30> It begins biting into the trunk toward the bottom of the tree, creating an "access point."

<23:10:31> A gunshot is heard. A tranquilizer dart appears in Entity-TFK's upper neck.

<23:10:33> **Entity-TFK:** {{**Hey, don't be a dick. You can shoot me when I'm done. Geez...**}}

<23:10:43> Entity-TFK engages in coitus with the tree.

<23:11:24> The tranquilizer dart takes effect mid-coitus. 

<23:11:30> Entity-TFK loses consciousness.

<23:11:35> **Corporal Townsend:** ...Okay, move in for capture. 

<23:11:50> Corporals Burnham and Townsend slowly approach Entity-TFK.

<23:12:10> They attempt to extract Entity-TFK's genitals from the tree.

<Truncated for Brevity>

<23:40:32> They are unsuccessful.

<End Log>

[[/div]]

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[[=]]
+++ December 17th, 2047
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[[div style="border:solid 5px #990000;background #ffffff; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-top:10px;"]]
**From:** O5-10 [o510@foundation.scp]
**To:** Col. Faye O'Hanlon, LTF Fehu-17 [fohanlon@foundation.scp]
**Subject:** URGENT RE: Entity-TFK

Colonel. I have been in contact with Dr. Randall Montauk, who took over his father's position in managing anomalies pertaining to the Scarlet King. Certain parallels have been drawn between him and Entity-TFK -- namely, Daevite myths about "the Seneschal", how the tree is a symbol of feminine power that was undone by the King's most faithful steward. 

These parallels, if they mean anything, are too dangerous to be ignored. They would mean that your task force has nowhere near the resources to deal with Entity-TFK's true potential.

I'll call in a few minutes with more details and your next steps. In the meantime, get TFK away from densely populated areas, keep him unconscious - and above all else, by any means necessary, keep him in an "uncrowned" state. This would be the only factor that would ritually bind the rest of him into dormancy.

In other words, do not let him near a hat, headgear of any kind, and **especially not a crown.**

[[>]]
- O5-10
[[/>]]
[[/div]]

[[div style="border:solid 5px #b30000;background #ffffff; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-top:10px;"]]
++++ INCIDENT LOG TFK-PRIME

**Date:** 12/17/2047
**Time:** 12:49 PM CST

<Begin Log>

//[Corporals Townsend and Burnham sit in the cabin of an armored truck for Secure Collateral Porters, a foundation front company. Townsend is driving. They're carrying Entity-TFK North on State Route 7, going through Sarepta, LA. Footage comes from Burnham's bodycam.]//

//[There are notable thumping noises in the backseat.]//

**Townsend:** Think our mutual friend finally woke up...

**Burnham:** I wouldn't worry. He's still got his, uh, plus-one to keep him busy.

**Townsend:** Ugh. If we ever have to contain something that drops a truth bomb like "oh, turns out trees are sentient and they feel pain," I swear to God...

//[They're held at up a long red light near a strip mall.]//

//[Burnham's walkie-talkie activates. It's Col. O'Hanlon.]//

**O'Hanlon:** //Burnham! Come in, right now!//

**Burnham:** Loud and clear, ma'am.

**O'Hanlon:** //I just got an emergency update from O5 Command regarding --//

//[Entity-TFK bangs a fist on the right wall of the truck's interior. It startles Townsend.]//

**Townsend:** //Jesus.//

**Burnham:** One sec, ma'am, didn't quite catch --

**Entity-TFK:** {{**Can we get Burger King?**}}

//[The banging continues.]//

**O'Hanlon:** //[Inaudible through banging.]//

**Townsend:** Knock it off back there!

**Entity-TFK:** {{**I wanna go to Burger King.**}}

//[They notice a Burger King on the right side of the road.]//

**Burnham:** How can it even see that?

**O'Hanlon:** //Burnham, this is an emergency! Get -- [Inaudible through banging]//

**Entity-TFK:** {{**Come on, there's no line. It'll take two minutes, tops.**}}

**Townsend:** //We are NOT getting Burger King, now shut up!//

**O'Hanlon:** //You're at a Burger King?! GET OUT OF BURGER KING RIGHT NOW!//

**Burnham:** //Negative, we are NOT at Burger King!//

**O'Hanlon:** //GET AWAY FROM THE BURGER KING!//

**Burnham:** Townsend!

**Townsend:** Fine, fine, light's green anyway! We're going --

//[Entity-TFK's hand breaks through the barrier separating the cabin.]//

**Townsend:** What the --

**Entity-TFK:** {{**Two minutes. Really.**}}

//[Entity-TFK breaks Townsend's neck while his foot is still on the gas pedal. It takes hold of the steering wheel.]//

**Burnham:** TOWNSEND!

//[CRASH!]//

//[Video feed cuts out for approx. 37 seconds, then resumes on the floor of the Burger King. The armored truck has bashed through the doors.]//

//[A few families eating lunch have been cornered at one end of the store. Burnham approaches some of the families.]//

**Burnham:** Just -- just stay calm! Ignore the giant naked tree thing, he won't hurt you if you just -- look, just give me a minute.

//[He turns to Entity-TFK with his rifle drawn.]//

//[Entity-TFK, with the stuck tree trailing behind its legs, tries to put together one of Burger King's paper crowns. It's too clumsy. It tears the crown in half by mistake.]//

**Entity-TFK:** {{**Would it kill them to make a version for bigger hands?**}}

//[A cashier slowly approaches Entity-TFK.]//

**Cashier:** Hey, uh, sir?

**Entity-TFK:** {{**Oh! Hey... Um... listen, I'm gonna need you to use your tiny baby squirrel appendages to put one of these crowny-things together for me, so, uh... do it or I'll rip off your wings.**}}

**Cashier:** I don't have any... uh... do you mean my arms?

**Entity-TFK:** {{**Arms? ...You know, that does make a little more sense. Now, do the thing.**}}

//[The cashier grabs one of the unassembled crowns. She puts the tabs together. The crown is complete.]//

**Cashier:** Here you go.

//[She hands the crown to Entity-TFK.]//

**Entity-TFK:** {{**Heh. Sweet.**}}

//[Entity-TFK crowns itself.]//

//[Brilliant red light shoots from its eyes. It hangs in the air as if suspended, spreading its arms like wings.]//

//[Burnham's walkie-talkie reactivates.]//

**O'Hanlon:** Burnham?

**Burnham:** Ma'am.

**O'Hanlon:** Just -- answer me one thing. Is Entity-TFK wearing a crown right now?

**Burnham:** ...I mean, it's just one of those dinky paper ones you get at --

**O'Hanlon:** //Oh my God.//

**Burnham:** Ma'am?

**O'Hanlon:** Burnham... I'm sorry.

//[The ground shakes.]//

**Entity-TFK:** [[image youkissyourmotherwiththatmouth.png]]

//[Explosion.]//

//[The feed cuts out.]//

<End Log>
[[/div]]

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[[=]]
+++ {{[https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/local--files/fragment:dyfscp0014-1/piperact2.html Lucerne is waiting...]}}
[[/=]]

[[/div]]