the bit that got me in trouble

Link to article: the bit that got me in trouble.

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     --header-subtitle: "Technical  ㅤㅤㅤㅤ";
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[[include :scp-wiki:theme:black-highlighter-theme]]
[[include :scp-wiki:theme:minimalist-bhl]]
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     --header-subtitle: "Technical  ㅤㅤㅤㅤ";
     --lgurl: url('https://scp-sandbox-3.wdfiles.com/local--files/fragment%3Aartexchange2023listpages1/blackVKTMtransparent.png');
}
[[/module]]

[[div class="blockquote"]]
//[A woman comes into the camera’s view, dressed in a white button down shirt, black pants and black high heels. She is wearing her hair in a bob style over a clean bandage wrapped around her head, covering her eyes. She is talking loudly into a large ACN cell phone. She is Mari MacPhaerson.]//

**MacPhaerson:** No, Mr. President, //you// are the real hero! Oh, gotta go, they're here!

//[MacPhaerson turns towards the camera and gives a pearlescent smile.]//

**MacPhaerson:** Hey media fans! I hope you've got your watching shoes on, because today I've got something really exciting to show you, come on!

//[MacPhaerson jogs through an empty corridor. The camera begins quickly moving in that direction and begins tilting side to side. As MacPhaerson continues to run, her head turns 180 degrees to face the camera]]//


**MacPhaerson:** Ever since I showed you how the sausage is made at Vikander-Kneed Technical Media, fans have been //clamoring// for some more behind the scenes documentary content. And who am I to say no to the fans?

//[MacPhaerson suddenly stops and stares blankly into the camera, her body now facing the camera as well.]//

**MacPhaerson:** No, really. Who am I without a camera in my face? Who am I when the scales fall from my eyes and I'm forced to contend with only myself reflected in the black mirror of these soulless devices?

//[Several beats of silence.]//

//[Light seems to return to MacPhaerson's eyes. She laughs and begins walking backwards down the hallway.]//

**MacPhaerson:** Couldn't have said it better myself, Steve! Unfortunately, I already gave up all my company's secrets last time!

//[An unseen audience boos.]//

**MacPhaerson:** Ah, ah, ah! But! there are still more secrets to uncover! Other worlds to conquer! And there's no place more opaque, more in need of a detailed breakdown than the SCP Foundation's Department of Unreality!

//[The audience cheers.]//

**MacPhaerson:** Ah! Here we are!


[[image flickr:49488992262 size="medium640"]]

**MacPhaerson:** But! We're not alone. Joining us today, ladies and gentlewomen, boys and men is the one, the only, the inimitable Alex Thorely!

//[MacPhaerson motions towards the door. A tall, well-kempt businessperson of shoulder length black hair walks in. They are wearing a white button down shirt, black slacks and black dress shoes. They speak in a confident voice.]//


**Thorely:** Hello Mari, so glad to meet you.

**MacPhaerson:** Hi! Thanks so much for taking the time out of your busy schedule!

//[Both laugh for several moment.]//

**Thorely:** Every minute I'm at my desk ten thousand children die. 

**MacPhaerson:**  Haha, well someone has to do it!

**Thorely:** Haha, no they don't I just do that for fun! 

**MacPhaerson:** Well, we all have hobbies. Mine is interpretive dancing!

//[MacPhaerson does a little dance.]//

**Thorely:** That was awful Mari, I wish I was dead right now. Welcome to ███ ██████████ ████████! [[footnote]] the penis factory [[/footnote]]

//[Thorely opens the door. A large monochrome factory can be seen, filled with construction workers wearing white hardhats.]//

//[The workers all simultaneously turn towards the door, smile, and run towards MacPhaerson and Thorely.]//

//[One worker pushes to the front and pulls out a black and white cane.]//

**Worker:** //[musically]// Weeeeelllll welcome to our factory we're the-

//[Alex Thorely pulls out a gun and shoots him several times in the chest. As he talks to the ground Thorely continues to shoot his corpse until he is unrecognizable. Thorely then reloads and continues to shoot it.]//

//[The workers make an inhuman screech and run away on their arms and legs.]//

**MacPhaerson:** So, Dr. Thorely, tell me, what is the Unreality Departments does?

**Thorely:** Well I'd tell you Mari, if you shut the fuck for a second! 

**MacPhaerson:** Haha, thanks Al.

**Thorely:** So this is the factory floor where we make all the the "Unreality A".

**MacPhaerson:** "Unreality A"? What's that? 

**Thorely:** I'm so glad you asked! "Unreality A" is our main export from the factory and what we sell to make most of our money.


**MacPhaerson:** Incredible!

**Thorely:** Do you want to see how it gets made? 

**MacPhaerson:** Absolutely!

[[image https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/pw/ABLVV8659d3GNhvzOU5q4vfGoY1ltK19PjOQnbY2ZCS1KEySiJDQlTlR2zx0d7NX2aSoL0govtFd8bjBlFgMrJF3Xi65Rs4HSvuSbpf919x-J2VCY_A_aHeH8jdKqW_8pCB2ZjzgVJOdug0qKFbrD_G5hWkqSg=w1406-h938-s-no-gm?authuser=0]]
@@ @@

[[image https://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/local--files/fragment:artexchange2023listpages1/tittymachine.jpg]]
@@ @@

[[image https://live.staticflickr.com/1020/919556296_e336ef84e1_c.jpg]]
@@ @@
**MacPhaerson:** Wow, Al, that was a really great montage! Can I meet the person in charge? 

**Thorely:** Fore//woman// actually, that'll teach you for making assumptions. We are very diverse. There she is now. 

//[Thorely points to a decaying corpse seated in a long chair wearing sunglasses and a Hawaiian shirt. It is holding a pina colada.]//

**MacPhaerson:** Konnichiwa Makuwa-san Yurika.

//[The corpse does not react.]//

**MacPhaerson:** Thank you, thank you. I get that a lot. 

//[A fly lands on the corpse's eyeball.]//

**MacPhaerson:** And how does it feel being a woman in a male-dominated profession?

//[The corpse's lower jaw falls off.]//

**MacPhaerson:** You go girl! You're truly an inspiration to young women everywhere..

//[The fly departs from the corpse's eyeball.]//

**MacPhaerson:** Haha I'll let you get back to it then. Where next, Alex?

**Thorely:** Next, Mari, we're heading towards the heart of Unreality, the offices!

//[Thorely and MacPhaerson walk down the hallway.]//

**MacPhaerson:** While we walk why don't we talk about the █████████/████████[[footnote]] dick/balls [[/footnote]]of the Unreality Department personnel. 

**Thorely:** A major███ ██ ███ department ████ ███ █████ ██ ███████ ███ █████ ██ ████████. They have ██████████ ██████████ ████ █, ██████ █████ █ [[footnote]]penis cancer [[/footnote]] and █.[[footnote]] leukemia [[/footnote]]

**MacPhaerson:** Wow they are so powerful I would not want to fight them even though they do not exist. 

**Thorely:** Yes, as the newest ███████ [[footnote]] pemis [[/footnote]] of the d9nt, unlike the others Alex Thorley ██is██ ██ ███████ real███ █████ ██████ ████ ██ ass███ the██ ████ ██ hand████ stuff in ███████ ███ them.

//MacPhaerson stops in her tracks and looks shocked.]//

**MacPhaerson:** Oh. My. God. Is that who I think it is?

@@ @@
[[image https://scp-sandbox-3.wdfiles.com/local--files/fragment%3Aartexchange2023listpages2/a%20fellow%20agent%20question%20mark.jpg]]
@@ @@

**Thorely:** Haha, sure is Mari, why don't you go and say hi?

**MacPhaerson:** //[bloody tears stream down her eyeholes.]// Really?

**Thorely:** Really. 

//[MacPhaerson walks over to the cat]//

**MacPhaerson:** Kitty Cat. Um. Mr. Cat? Um. AGENT Cat. Hi, oh my God it's so good to meet you, I'm such a huge fan. 

//[The cat looks disinterested.]//

**MacPhaerson:** Haha no, really?

//[The cat scratches itself a little.]//

**MacPhaerson:** Uh huh. Interesting. 

//[The cat sneezes.]//

**MacPhaerson:** Uh huh, I see. And do you care to comment on the allegations ?

//[The cat begins to lick itself. MacPhaerson appears very concerned]//

**Thorely:** No comment!

//[Thorely kicks the cat into the sun.]//

**MacPhaerson:** Impressive, what's your █████ █████? [[footnote]] penis length [[/footnote]] 

**Thorely:** ██-█. [[footnote]] over 9000 [[/footnote]]

**MacPhaerson:** But you just--

**Thorely:** I was wearing my sun kicking boots. 

**MacPhaerson:** Oh of course, how silly of me! That ████ [[footnote]]f**t [[/footnote]] doesn't count. 

**Thorely:** Yes, my P████ Scale [[footnote]] penis scale [[/footnote]] is ██-█ [[footnote]] big [[/footnote]] human level and this is cannon.  

**MacPhaerson:** Alex Thorely tell me about the  p████ level [[footnote]] penis level  [[/footnote]] and ████ [[footnote]] pennis [[/footnote]] of the rest of the Unreality Department.

**Thorely:** Of course! I will look at the official SCP Foundation p████ scaling [[footnote]] [[/footnote]] list. 

//[Thorely opens an ancient scroll.]//

**Thorely:** While their exact p████ tier [[footnote]] penis tier [[/footnote]] is unknown it is at least ████ █ "█████████" [[footnote]] sex [[/footnote]] via ████ ██████████ [[footnote]] dick [[/footnote]] and ███████ ███████. [[footnote]] balls [[/footnote]] They are able to d█████ ███i█ █████████ ██ █ █████████ █c███ ██ █ █████ ██████ █████ ███'█ ████ ████, ████ █████ ████ ██c████ the P█████████.[[footnote]]penisverse [[/footnote]]

**MacPhaerson:** Could they beat ████ █.█ [[footnote]] penis wizard [[/footnote]] the most powerful ████?[[footnote]] penis wizard [[/footnote]] 

**Thorely:** Yes

**MacPhaerson:** Could they beat the Chainsaw Devil from Chainsaw Man?

**Thorely:** Yes

**MacPhaerson:** Could they beat up my dad?

**Thorely:** Already done 

**MacPhaerson:** What about Hatsune Miku?

**Thorely** Hatsune Miku is the Vice President of Unreality.

**MacPhaerson:** It is Miku's world. 

**Thorely:** Yes.

**MacPhaerson:** Could I meet Hatsune Miku?

**Thorely:** No. Now we will meet the next Unreality employee.

//[Thorely opens an office door.  Another human person stands up from the desk.]//
 
**Thorely:** This is my coworker and acquaintance William Jennifer. P█e█i██s█ a member of the ███████  Di██████,[[footnote]] Penis Dick [[/footnote]] Jennifer was ████ [[footnote]]penis [[/footnote]]  into SCP-████ [[footnote]] SCP-DICK [[/footnote]] ██ ███ ███ ████ ██ ██████ ████ █issing [[footnote]] pissing [[/footnote]] █████, ████ ██ ██ █iss███ [[footnote]] piss [[/footnote]] herself ███ simultaneously ███████ ██ ███ ██real███ ███art████.

**Jennifer:** Hi.

**MacPhaerson:** A pleasure to meet you! So what do you do here? 

**Jennifer:**  I synthesize SCP-6478 "Unrealistics" they are like amnestics but for the unreal. 

**MacPhaerson:** I see! Does your background in memetics help with that?

**Jennifer:** Yes, Unreality's biggest ███████ [[footnote]] penis [[/footnote]] is we can only ███████ ███ ██████ ██ ███████ ███ ██████████ ███████████ ██████████ [[footnote]] dick [[/footnote]] and ████████████ . [[footnote]] balls [[/footnote]]

**MacPhaerson:** More like the Dereality Division am I right? 

**Jennifer:** No

**MacPhaerson:** ok

//[All clocks in the room strike zero.]//

**Jennifer:** Burger time

//[William Jennifer unhinges her jaw and eats several uncooked burgers.]//

**MacPhaerson:** Thank you William Jennifer. 

//[MacPhaerson and Thorely leave the room.]//

**MacPhaerson:** Where to next on our safari of the strange?

//[The two walk down a hallway into a large annex.]//

**Thorely:** This is the █████, [[footnote]]dickbutt [[/footnote]] where the sausage gets made. 

//[MacPhaerson waggles a finger.]//

**MacPhaerson:** Ah ah ah, I think you mean... How the **//BAGEL//** gets made!

//[The audience applauds and cheers for several hours. Every bagel on Earth rains down on MacPhaerson and Thorely. Men sob, women scream in ecstasy, all babies eyes simultaneously glow as they whisper the word "Non-Binary." World peace is achieved, Wikijump is successful, moto42 returns and posts SCP-173 two.]//

**Thorely:** This is the █████. [[footnote]]dick punching machine [[/footnote]] It was invented by ███ [[footnote]]dick [[/footnote]] head ████████ ██ ███ d█████ment.[[footnote]]dickpartment [[/footnote]] Once a ██████ ██████████ [[footnote]] penis [[/footnote]] in the Foundation he di█c████ed a n██-████████ entity and ███ ██████ █ ███tain █t. To do that he crea█ed a d██ic█ ██ ██████ ██ ██real███. ██f█rt██ate██ he tested it on him████ d██ ██ █i█ ███ ██ck ██ ████████ which lead to ███ ██████ ████ ██ ████ ██ to ██come forever ███████ ██ █████████. 

 Site-00 is that site, This is that device. John Doe was that researcher. The SCP Foundation was that Foundation.

This is all canon

**MacPhaerson:** Explain how.

**Thorely:** Narrative stacks. 

**MacPhaerson:** Wow... This John Doe character seems really smart. 

**Thorely:** Director John Doe of Unreality SCP is an █████████████ ██████ [[footnote]] big dick energy [[/footnote]] (John Doe has man████ ██ build ███████ █████natural ██vices, ████ ██ real███ ███████ ██chin█ and a ██chin█ that trans█████ people ████ ██real███).

**MacPhaerson:** And how do the others rate?

**Thorely:** The typical intelligence █████ [[footnote]] penis [[/footnote]] of the Unreality Departments is ██████. [[footnote]] shit and fart [[/footnote]] They have F█un██████ ██search███ among██ █████ [[footnote]] among us [[/footnote]] █████ ███ ███ ██me ██ the ████████ ██████████ [[footnote]]penis [[/footnote]] on Earth. 

**MacPhaerson:** Wow they are very smart. Who runs the machine.

**Thorely:** The first Unreality character Researcher Kara Cassidy they are very smart and invited the machine. 

**MacPhaerson:** Wow. Can I meet them?

**Thorely:** No. It is time now to go to my office and concluded the door. 

[[image flickr:6722667601]]

[[image https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/7/7a/Office_personal_computer_-_DPLA_-_271321a08cbc946fa5389fb6ccbce250.jpg]]

**MacPhaerson:** What a day, huh Al?

**Thorely:** Yes we walked for an entire day and I am very tired because my physiology is a weak human ██-█, [[footnote]] penis [[/footnote]] we are in my office now. 

**MacPhaerson:** Absolutely! And what an office it is! The fish tank from your adventures at Site 184 the fishing council, the ghost from your Halloween adventure, the art of the unreality bender artist Loren Ipsum. But where is your lamp Steven?

**Thorely:** He has gone to fight in the War on Appliances front and we are all very proud of him. 

//[MacPhaerson salutes the flag, tears streaming down her bandages as eagles cry.]//

//[A voice is heard from inside a bathroom. It is Alex Thorley.]//

**Thorley:** Hello? Is anyone there? Kitty? 

//[Thorely and MacPhaerson look at each other in fear.]//

**Thorley:** Hello?

//[The doorknob turns.//

**Thorely:** //[whispering]// Run. 

//[Thorely and MacPhaerson trot away on their arms and legs. The camera remains stationary as they exit from view.]//

//[Alex Thorley emerges from the bathroom.]//

**Thorley:** Hello? 

//[Thorley looks around.]//

**Thorley:** Huh, guess it was nothing. 

//[Thorley spots the camera.]//

**Thorley:** Huh, what's this? A camera?

//[Thorley grabs the camera.]//

[FOOTAGE LOST]


[[/div]]

[[div class="blockquote"]]
[[<]]
Page 0: [https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/magazine/offset/0  Cover]
Page 1: [https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/magazine/offset/1 Behind the Scenes of Unreality with VKTM]
Page 2: [https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/magazine/offset/2 SCP-7195 Supplementary Log]
Page 3: [https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/magazine/offset/3  Unspiration]
Page 4: [https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/magazine/offset/4 Site-00 Community Cookbook]
[[/<]]
[[/div]]

[[collapsible show="Author's Note" hide="Hide Author's Note"]]
[[div class="blockquote"]]
Hello, readers.

I hope you enjoyed this magazine. It was a bit of a personal one for me, as it's actually based on a true story!

As a child, I used to go to the Perth Zoo every weekend with my parents. I would always have so much fun seeing the tigers, the monkeys, even the bears! But most of all, I felt a special connection with the elephants.

My great grandpa Walt was one of the best elephant hunters in the world, with a kill count of over one //thousand// elephants throughout his career. He always used to regale us with his tales of the hunt, stalking the noble elephant for hours on end until he could line them up for the perfect shot.

Like any good hunter, my great grand-pappy had a huge amount of respect for his prey. He would always ensure he got the maximum amount of ivory possible from each elephant, never leaving a single tusk unturned. He always used to show us his ivory pipes and statuettes, and tell us about the elephants they came from, so my family and I would forever have love for elephants in our hearts, come what may.

Unfortunately, in the 1980s the ivory trade was made illegal, and my poor great grand-pappy died soon after of a broken heart. 

He always used to tell me "Son, the only thing that an elephant can't beat in a fight, is a lawyer." and I took this to heart, vowing to respect the rule of law for the rest of my days, lest I disrespect poor great-grandpappy.

In 2022, Tricia, one of the oldest Asian elephants in the world, died at the age of 65, and the Perth Zoo will never again house another elephant.

I swear that day I could feel her presence in my great-grand pappy's ivory pipe, telling me I must tell her story.

Unfortunately, the previous occupant of this body had only darkness in her soul, and she tried to sell the ivory through the internet, which is illegal!

Immediately, her heart stopped and her soul went to hell for one billion years, never to return... 

Please take this lesson to heart, and never break a single law, or you might die!

Thank you, and God Bless America. ✌️
[[/div]]
[[/collapsible]]

the bit that got me in trouble

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