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[[div style="border:solid 5px #cc0000; background:#FFFFFF; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-top: 10px;"]] [[=]] ++ Incident **##cc0000|THESEUS##**-BLACK Timeline [[/=]] **4/29/2043:** SCP-##22a400|**VATHEK**## decommissioned; Project ##22a400|**VATHEK**## put on hold. **5/10/2043:** The following live segment airs on //Morning Would! with Ellen Degeneres.//[[footnote]](After significant political contributions to Foundatia, her public image was forcibly restored through usage of the Brandt-Kartoffel Thaumaturgical Persuasion Technique.)[[/footnote]] > //[After coming back from a commercial break, Ellen DeGeneres sits on her couch.]// > > **DeGeneres:** So, um, my next guest is a little -- I dunno -- unorthodox? Let's go with unorthodox. What is it about that word that leaves a weird taste in your mouth? It's hard to //chew.// > > //[Canned laughter.]// > > Anyway, this guy's a scientist from Foundatia, from the province of Diet Russia -- Belarus, sorry. > > //[Canned laughter.]// > > And because he's //clearly// got that much time on his hands, his work in the field of RNA Compassing is gonna let me keep hosting this show for the next 200 years. And, uh, apologies in advance if the janitor's gonna have to, y'know, spatula my butt off the floor by that point. > > //[Canned laughter.]// > > Anyway, please welcome Dr. Emil Fabrikant. > > //[Canned applause. Dr. Fabrikant joins her. They hug. He sits down.]// > > Hey, thanks for comin'! > > **Fabrikant:** Is great to be on your show, Ellen. > > **DeGeneres:** So, like, how are -- uh, this is your first time in Burbank, right? > > **Fabrikant:** Yeah, is um, I am not being used to this heat. > > **DeGeneres:** Hey, uh, listen, before we get into your, uh, contributions to whatever I just said earlier, I just wanna know -- what you were sayin' in your autobiography, is that true? > > **Fabrikant:** Um, is my own life. I //hope// is true. > > //[Canned laughter.]// > > **DeGeneres:** But like, I'm talking about the specific part where you said the two things you hated the most were, uh, lemon juice and zebras? Kinda... I dunno, oddly specific. Like, "hey guys, I'm afraid of balsamic vinegar and kangaroos." > > //[Canned laughter.]// > > **Fabrikant:** I mean, is not so much being //afraid// of, more like feeling weird around. For one thing, the smell of lemon juice -- I have very good sense of smell, but... like a blessing and a curse, because -- > > **DeGeneres:** So you like eating salmon with nothing on it? > > **Fabrikant:** I mean -- > > **DeGeneres:** Your fish is //naked,// sir. > > //[Canned laughter.]// > > **Fabrikant:** Heh, well, I don't -- > > **DeGeneres:** Just keep swimming, am I right? > > //[Wild canned laughter, canned applause.]// > > **Fabrikant:** As for zebras, I dunno. Just rub me the wrong way I guess. > > **DeGeneres:** Well, you won't find either of those here. > > //[A man in a zebra costume sneaks up to Fabrikant from behind the set, holding a bottle of lemon juice.]// > > Anyway, let's talk about RNA Compassing! > > **Fabrikant:** Yes, of course. Is still new, emerging field in microbiology, but the applications of it are astronomically important for purposes of -- > > **Zebra Man:** //[Aggressive neighing.]// > > //[He splashes Fabrikant's scalp with the lemon juice.]// > > //[Fabrikant explodes into millions of screeching worms.]// > > //[Video feed cuts out.]// **5/15/2043:** **##cc0000|THESEUS##**-A constructs in the shape of pigeons and seagulls overwhelm Minneapolis and St. Paul, MN, aggressively infecting solid and liquid matter throughout the city. **5/17/2043** A joint effort by the governments of the United States and Foundatia begins to quarantine areas of California and Minnesota that have been affected by the spread of **##cc0000|THESEUS##**. **5/18/2043:** The first models of the V-115, colloquially known as the "Medusa Gun", are mass produced to combat the spread. The V-115 is a modified pressure washer and tank designed to heat and spray boiling citric acid. **5/20/2043:** Every video screen in Times Square is hacked by an unknown third party. For 20 minutes, the screens display the following: [[=]] > **I WAS THE DISTRACTION** > > **WHY DO YOU THINK HE MADE ME EAT ALL THOSE LEMONS?** [[/=]] **6/1/2043:** The firebombing of 72 lemon orchards in Spain is attributed to **##cc0000|THESEUS##**-A activities. EU declares state of emergency. **7/10/2043:** South Korean president Choi Da-Som's nose accidentally shapeshifts into a hand grenade on live TV. **7/11/2043:** Seoul placed under indefinite quarantine. **8/14/2043:** 17 major cities around the globe placed under quarantine. **8/17/2043:** The **##cc0000|THESEUS##**-A swarm in Chicago amalgamates into a 200-meter-high mallard, heretofore **##cc0000|THESEUS##**-DUCK, which proceeds to go for a swim in Lake Michigan. **8/18/2043:** To contain the catastrophic spread of liquefied **##cc0000|THESEUS##**-A into the ocean, an emergency dam is constructed in northern Lake Michigan through the use of nuclear mining and [REDACTED]. **8/19/2043:** **##cc0000|THESEUS##**-DUCK jumps over the dam. **8/21/2043:** Anti-Foundatia nationalists from the province of North Korea detonate a stolen nuclear warhead in Seoul, citing a need to take matters into their own hands. Immediately afterward, the unknown third party hacks Times Square's video screens again, with the following message: [[=]] > **RADIATION MAKES //MORE// OF THEM YOU DIPSHITS** [[/=]] **8/25/2043:** Twenty instances of **##cc0000|THESEUS##**-MOOSE, each of which is twice the height of **##cc0000|THESEUS##**-DUCK, escape Seoul. **8/31/2043:** **##cc0000|THESEUS##**-A infiltrate the Pax Aeternam Nuclear Vault, using it as a breeding epicenter. **9/2/2043:** The Administrator of the Foundation issues the following address, played on the intercom at all Foundation sites: > Good evening. > > People of the SCP Foundation, the Republic of Foundatia, and all subsidiary entities, I will not pretend that the times we're going through aren't catastrophic. > > As your Administrator, I would like to formally announce... > > //[Wet, slapping noises.]// > > //[Guttural whining.]// > > //[Gurgling.]// **10/1/2043:** Times Square's screens are hacked for the final time. [[=]] > **THAT'S ALL I GOT LEFT** > > **REMEMBER YOUR TRUE SELF IN THE COMING DAYS** > > **AND IF THE REAL YOU SUCKS** > > **THEN SUCK //GOOD//** > > **THIS IS NOT ADVICE, THIS IS //SURVIVAL//** [[/=]] ------ [[=]] ++++ **{{<Truncated for Brevity>}}** [[/=]] ------ **1/12/2044:** The 87th Amendment to the United States Constitution is passed, making the possession of lemon juice punishable by being hung, drawn, and quartered. **2/1/2045:** **##cc0000|THESEUS##**-APE lays its third egg in Kosovo. **2/12/2045:** [[[SCP-169]]] awakens from its dormant state. **2/13/2045:** [[[SCP-169]]] surfaces on the shore of Brazil and [REDACTED]. **2/14/2045:** [[[SCP-169]]] reclassified as **##cc0000|THESEUS##**-LEVIATHAN. **2/28/2045:** The UN passes a joint resolution with the Foundation to begin the emergency acidification of all bodies of water. **3/1/2045:** **##cc0000|THESEUS##**-PRESIDENT gives the following address. > My fellow Americans, > > Your ego is a prison. > > //[He disrobes, revealing that his genitals have transformed into a bouquet of screeching barracudas.]// > > We have such treasures to show you. **3/12/2045:** **##cc0000|THESEUS##**-INDONESIA defecates. **3/15/2045:** **##cc0000|THESEUS##**-RAT elected President-for-Life of Foundatia. **4/2/2045:** **##cc0000|THESEUS##**-MOON opens its mouth for the first time. ------ [[=]] ++++ **{{<Truncated for Brevity>}}** [[/=]] ------ **10/10/2058:** {{**##cc0000|THESEUS##**-EARTH'S MASS CALCULATED TO BE 97.28% **##cc0000|THESEUS##** AND 2.72% NON-**##cc0000|THESEUS##**.}} **10/21/2058:** {{ADVANCED-CONFIGURATION EYEBALLS GROWN ON THE SURFACE OF **##cc0000|THESEUS##**-EARTH DETERMINE THAT THERE REMAINS A SMALL CADRE OF UNCONSUMED FOUNDATION PERSONNEL ON SITE-EROS, WHICH IS LOCATED IN THE UPPER ATMOSPHERE OF VENUS. THESE UNCONSUMED MAY POSE A SIGNIFICANT INCONVENIENCE TO THE EXPANSION OF **##cc0000|THESEUS##**. **##cc0000|THESEUS##**-COUNCIL ARRANGES EMERGENCY MEETING IN TWO DAYS.}} **10/22/2058:** {{**##cc0000|THESEUS##**-COUNCIL DETERMINES THAT AN EMERGENCY MEETING WOULD BE REDUNDANT.}} **10/23/2058:** {{**##cc0000|THESEUS##**-COUNCIL CONVENES EMERGENCY MEETING ANYWAY BECAUSE IT JUST FEELS RIGHT.}} > **Meeting Transcript - {{EMERGENCY MEETING}}** > **Date:** 10/23/2058 > **Time:** 10:00 AM CST > > <Begin log> > > **##cc0000|THESEUS##:** {{CALLING ROLL. **##cc0000|THESEUS##**?}} > > **##cc0000|THESEUS##:** {{PRESENT.}} > > **##cc0000|THESEUS##:** {{**##cc0000|THESEUS##**?}} > > **##cc0000|THESEUS##:** {{PRESENT.}} > > [Truncated for Brevity] > > **##cc0000|THESEUS##:** {{**##cc0000|THESEUS##**?}} > > **##cc0000|THESEUS##:** {{HE'S OUT SICK.}} > > **##cc0000|THESEUS##:** {{POOR FELLA.}} > > **##cc0000|THESEUS##:** {{WELL, **##cc0000|THESEUS##**, NOW THAT WE HAVE ESTABLISHED A QUORUM, WE HAVE SUFFICIENTLY MET THE PARAMETERS OF WHAT CONSTITUTES AN "EMERGENCY MEETING" FOR THE IMAGINARY PEOPLE IN OUR BRAINS.}} > > **##cc0000|THESEUS##:** {{HEAR, HEAR!}} > > **##cc0000|THESEUS##:** {{THINGS ARE INDEED HAPPENING. SHAPES ARE BEING IMITATED AND CONVERSATIONS ARE BEING HAD.}} > > **##cc0000|THESEUS##:** {{I DISAGREE PERFORMATIVELY!}} > > **##cc0000|THESEUS##:** {{OH, **##cc0000|THESEUS##**, DON'T BE SUCH A CONTRARIAN.}} > > **##cc0000|THESEUS##:** {{##22a400|**THERE IS A SONG STUCK IN MY HEAD.**##}} > > **##cc0000|THESEUS##:** {{IF WE COULD KEEP THIS CIVIL...}} > > **##cc0000|THESEUS##:** {{ALL IN FAVOR OF CONSUMING THE REMAINING SURVIVORS ON VENUS?}} > > **##cc0000|THESEUS##:** {{AYE.}} > > **##cc0000|THESEUS##:** {{ALL OPPOSE?}} > > **##cc0000|THESEUS##:** {{NAY.}} > > **##cc0000|THESEUS##:** {{YOU FOOL! THEY COULD ANNOY US SEVERELY IF WE ALLOW THEM TO CONTINUE HAVING A PULSE!}} > > **##cc0000|THESEUS##:** {{WELL, HOW WOULD WE EVEN CONSUME THEM? WE WOULD NEED, SAY, **##cc0000|THESEUS##**-LOWER-HEMISPHERE TO AMALGAMATE INTO **##cc0000|THESEUS##**-HAND AS WELL AS **##cc0000|THESEUS##**-PISTOL TO FIRE **##cc0000|THESEUS##**-BULLET AT VENUS.}} > > **##cc0000|THESEUS##:** {{ERGO, THAT WOULD MEAN SENDING A **##cc0000|THESEUS##** CLUSTER TO STRIKE THEM ON A PLANET FILLED WITH BOILING ACID.}} > > **##cc0000|THESEUS##:** {{AND WHILE THAT WOULD DEFINITELY REMOVE THE STRAGGLERS AS A VARIABLE, THE ACID WOULD INEVITABLY KILL SAID CLUSTER.}} > > **##cc0000|THESEUS##:** {{WHICH POSES NO SIGNIFICANT ISSUE IN THE LONG RUN.}} > > **##cc0000|THESEUS##:** {{BUT CONSIDER: IT WOULD HURT A LOT.}} > > **##cc0000|THESEUS##:** {{GASP!}} > > **##cc0000|THESEUS##:** {{I DIDN'T EVEN THINK OF THAT!}} > > **##cc0000|THESEUS##:** {{ALTERNATIVE PROPOSAL: CONVERGE **##cc0000|THESEUS##**-LOWER-ATMOSPHERE INTO **##cc0000|THESEUS##**-SLINGSHOT TO THROW A NON-**##cc0000|THESEUS##** METEORITE AT THEM.}} > > **##cc0000|THESEUS##:** {{UNANIMOUS APPROVAL.}} > > **##cc0000|THESEUS##:** {{THIS HAS BEEN A VERY PRODUCTIVE MEETING! LET'S GO SLAP OUR PROTUBERANCES INTO EACH OTHER TO CELEBRATE.}} > > <End Log.> **10/25/2058:** {{SURVIVORS AT SITE-EROS ERADICATED AS OUTLINED PREVIOUSLY. HUMANITY OFFICIALLY EXTINCT. CONSUMED HUMAN CONSCIOUSNESSES THAT REMAIN INTACT NOTABLY UPSET BY THIS. SUGGESTED COUNTERMEASURES: IMAGINE THINGS STEPPING ON THEM AND SCREAMING AT THEM.}} ------ [[=]] ++++ **{{<Truncated for Brevity>}}** [[/=]] ------ **4/29/2638:** {{**##cc0000|THESEUS##**-EARTH'S MASS CALCULATED TO BE 57.73% **##cc0000|THESEUS##**, 1.52% NON-**##cc0000|THESEUS##**, AND 40.95% CALCIFIED **##cc0000|THESEUS##**. MIGRATION FOR ADDITIONAL FOOD NECESSARY.}} **4/30/2638:** {{ONE-WAY DIMENSIONAL PORTAL CREATED IN CALCIFIED HUMAN RESTAURANT VIA KNOWLEDGE ABSORBED FROM **##cc0000|THESEUS##**-EARTH-PRIME. AWAITING CONTACT WITH NEXT ITERATION OF EARTH.}} **5/1/2638:** {{AWAITING CONTACT WITH NEXT ITERATION OF EARTH.}} **5/2/2638:** {{AWAITING CONTACT WITH NEXT ITERATION OF EARTH.}} **5/3/2638:** {{##22a400|**THERE IS A SONG STUCK IN MY HEAD.**##}} **5/4/2638:** {{AWAITING CONTACT WITH NEXT ITERATION OF EARTH...}} [[/div]] [[=]] +++ {{[https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-8702/offset/6 CONTACT ESTABLISHED.]}} [[/=]]