Link to article: THE QUIZNOS SUBS!!!.
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[[div style="border:solid 3px #4cbb17; background:#ffffff; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px;"]] [[=]] [[image threlldominionflag.png]] [[size 200%]]**!! ATTENTION !!**[[/size]] [[/=]] ++++ **{{If you have received this message, you are the head of a major news and/or media outlet of this planet’s respective dominant species. As such, following the recent global spoils acquisition of your world by the Threll Dominion, then by special decree of the appointed Procurator, [LORD VUYAKUARUK], you are hereby commanded to distribute the following mandatory orientation document to all sentient beings in your purview.}}** +++++ **{{Should your district fail to display sufficient knowledge of the contents of said document in three days’ time, your entire district’s sales-caste will be summarily demoted to Nutrient Slurry. Be advised that this caste does not include death privileges until the 8,000th cycle of service.}}** [[size 75%]]This all-purpose document has been custom-tailored for your district's dominant language and species. Interchangeable portions have been [MARKED].[[/size]] [[/div]] [[=]] [[image shelly.gif]] [[/=]] How’s it goin’, my fellow [HOMINID]s? My name’s Guahakuaruk, but you can call me [SHELLY]! Y’know, because of my [SHELL]! Get it?[[footnote]]{{##red|**PUN. LAUGH.**##}}[[/footnote]] I’m just an ordinary, working-class [FEMALE] [HOMINID] with a range of typical [HOMINID] interests, like [FOOTBALL], [LEMONS], and [CLIMATE CHANGE]! (Now, I might //look// like a Threll, but that’s just because my [PARENT(S) AND/OR LEGAL GUARDIAN(S)] taught me how to dress to impress, just like other visually appealing [HOMINID]s like [PIKACHU] and [HENRY KISSINGER]!) Now, when I woke up the other morning in my [RANCH HOUSE] in [NAPERVILLE, ILLINOIS] and put on my [CLOTHING]s to go work at the [RACISM] factory, I couldn’t help but notice that the sky had suddenly turned dark brown. That’s so bizarre! The sky’s usually [BLUE] at that time of day. Then I got a [PUSH NOTIFICATION] on my [FLAT HANDHELD SLAVE] that the whole world was under attack by kind, magnanimous creatures that deserve us as property. Some particularly dense [HOMINID] population centers like [NEW YORK CITY] and [BEIJING] were [SEPARATED FROM PLANETARY SURFACE] and [TELEPORTED] into [OFFWORLD HIGH-VOLUME BIO-REPURPOSING FACILITIES]. A bio-repurposing complex the size of [BRAZIL] was built in just a week over the ruins of [BRAZIL]. And next thing I knew, my [COUSIN] was being carted off to [BRAZIL] to be turned into a living [TENDON-STRENGTH-INCREASING EXERCISE DEVICE] for the [GHOR-VARR COLLECTIVE] people from [GHOR-VARR SPACE, REALITY-AUNG-58]! Sweet [JESUS]! I never thought I’d live to see such a time of upheaval and chaos. At least, not since the [DISASTER OR SOMETHING] making the headlines the other day, haha![[footnote]]{{##red|**RELATABLE. LAUGH.**##}}[[/footnote]] So in all likelihood, I was just as scared and confused as you are right now, perhaps even more so. But have no fear! Our gracious Procurator [LORD VUYAKUARUK] explained it all to me, face-to-face. And I’ve been ordered to share my knowledge with you so that we can make the transition process smoother for everyone involved! To that end, I’m gonna lay out the basics for you in an overly simplistic call-and-response format that us [HOMINID]s call a [F.A.Q.]… **[Q.] Who are the Threll? Are they from [OUTER SPACE]?** [A.] The Threll are noble and generous creatures who keep the Omniversal economy moving! They’re from neither your planet nor your dimension, but a special place called the Primrose Deep — a bottomless lake of murky yellow fluid and crystalline cities. There, you’ll find the Threll’s wise and benevolent god-king and common ancestor, Prince HAJHETI, sitting in eternal contemplation while trilling endless songs of conquest on a golden flute. You see, Prince HAJHETI, Lord of Commerce and Hierarchies, was born aeons ago as a fragment of the dying mind of the Mysterious Prince of Princes. However, HAJHETI’s adherents claim[[footnote]]{{##red|**CORRECTLY.**##}}[[/footnote]] that the Prince intended for HAJHETI to inherit all His material wealth of the worlds to come. The other seven Princes don’t seem to respect Prince HAJHETI’s claim. But until they do, the Threll, HAJHETI’s descendants, have decided to take back the Omniverse that’s rightfully theirs through their specialty: bio-repurposing otherwise unused lifeforms into high-quality industrial, household, and decorative products for the discerning customer! Now, Prince HAJHETI has made a household name of Himself as the Omniversal Emperor of all things [SAM'S CLUB AND/OR COSTCO]. Even worlds that want nothing to do with HAJHETI[[footnote]]{{##red|**INCORRECTLY.**##}}[[/footnote]] won’t walk away from top-shelf Threll merchandise. **[Q.] Why does the Threll need me? I’m nothing special…** [A.] Sure you are! The Threll Dominion are believers in the inherent, individual worth and beauty of every living thing. In particular, [HOMINID]s like us have [LUNGS], [SKIN], [BRAIN STEM], [BLADDER] and [NERVOUS SYSTEM] that have a variety of highly marketable applications, i.e. [FOOD SERVICE], [RECREATION], [BOARD GAMES], [LIVESTOCK PROCESSING], and [APHRODISIAC]! **[Q.] What if I want to keep my organs the way they are?** [A.] Great question! **[Q.] Will the Threll preserve [HOMINID] arts and culture?** [A.] You are allowed to make as many mouth noises for enrichment as you please unless notified otherwise! **[Q.] I'm an adherent of [HOMINID RELIGION]ism. Will I be allowed to practice my faith under the Threll Dominion's rule?** [A.] Fantastic! "Infidel" is a //very// popular starting point for new bio-repurposing candidates! You'll be in good company. **[Q.] What is the Threll stance on [HOMINID] political issues?** [A.] They probably do have opinions about such things! **[Q.] Aren't the Threll concerned about dangerous things on our world, i.e. [EARTHQUAKES], [NUCLEAR WEAPONS], and/or [CHOKING HAZARDS/SMALL PARTS]?** [A.] Rejoice! Uncertainty is dead, and your ownership by a superior species has killed it. **[Q.] Is bio-repurposing painful?** [A.] The effects will be constant. You will come to find the unchanging nature of your new life comforting, eventually preferring it vastly to any positive stimuli. Again, uncertainty is dead! **[Q.] Will the Threll Dominion hurt my friends and loved ones?** [A.] The Threll would never dream of hurting Prince HAJHETI. **[Q.] I'm still confused. Is there anything else I need to do?** [A.] Relax! Just stay put, and eventually, everything else you need to know will be screamed at you by your masters. **[Q.] What can I expect daily life to look like from here on out?** [A.] Hmm… how about we answer that with an example. First off, let’s take a look at [TERRY]. [TERRY] is a [MALE] [HOMINID] who is [TAXPAYER] years old. [TERRY]'s designated sales-caste is [AUTO-HIVE]. Once [TERRY]'s bio-repurposing surgery is complete, here’s what [TERRY]'s daily routine would look like… ||~ Time ||~ Activity || || 5:59 AM || Awakening serum injection (citric acid) || || 6:00 AM || Childbirth (drone-caste) || || 7:00 AM || Childbirth (servitor-caste) || || 8:00 AM || Childbirth (drone-caste) || || 9:00 AM || Childbirth (servitor-caste) || || 10:00 AM || Childbirth (drone-caste) || || 11:00 AM || Childbirth (servitor-caste) || || 12:00 PM || Childbirth (drone-caste) || || 1:00 PM || Childbirth (experimental) || || 2:00 PM || Childbirth (feeder-caste) || || 3:00 PM || Childbirth (weapon-caste) || || 4:00 PM || Feeding injections (nutrient-slurry-caste) || || 5:00 PM || Childbirth (weapon-caste) || || 6:00 PM || Childbirth (amusement-caste) || || 7:00 PM || Childbirth (feeder-caste) || || 8:00 PM || Childbirth (experimental) || || 9:00 PM || Cumulative anal waste expulsion || || 10:00 PM || Exposure to hormone crystals || || 11:00 PM || Deep cleaning of all birth canals by swab-caste personnel || || 12:00 AM || Enzyme bath || || 1:00 AM || Table tennis || || 2:00 AM || Prayers to HAJHETI || || 3:00 AM || Sleep injections (melatonin-based gel) || That's a look at one of the [1,257] sales-castes we've got lined up for your species. Can you even imagine? Up until they're chosen for you, the possibilities are LIMITLESS! **[Q.] What are the consequences for resistance to Threll occupation?** [A.] What a kidder! We don't need to concern ourselves with hypotheticals that have been proven to be... [[=]] +++ {{[http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-9298/offset/3 (+ Impossible.)]}} [[/=]]