BECAUSE THEY TOAST THEM!!!

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> None of this is my fault.
> 
> It rained two days ago. Every raindrop hit the ground like a frag grenade. That was not hyperbole.
> 
> None of this is my fault. 
> 
> Yesterday, my body has been burned and mutilated 14 times from the latent energy output of people passing me on the sidewalk and saying hello. I regenerate seconds later. I feel every second of it.
> 
> None of this is my fault.
> 
> None of the bio-repurposed made carried over to LODO-3. Including Provisional Commander. I'm the acting Administrator now. 
> 
> None of this is my fault.
> 
> LODO-3's god is a duck.
> 
> ...
>  
> God's a duck
> 
> God's a //duck// it's a fucking //duck// I see what's going on here and I need it to //stop// I //need// it to //STOP STOP STOP STOP// 
> 
> SOME HIGHER POWER KNOWS I LOVE DUCKS AND THEY MADE THEIR GOD A //DUCK// AS A SUBTLE DIG AT ME BECAUSE THEY THINK IT'S MY FAULT THAT THE WORLD'S LIKE IT IS 
> 
> oh god 
> 
> that's what this is isn't it 
> 
> Estrada somehow assumed GODHEAD and trapped me "Let's gaslight Dr. Uhl Dimension" 
> 
> but I'm too [[size 75%]]c l e v e r[[/size]] for that have a goddamn [[size 150%]]PhD[[/size]] I've seen that shitty Angela Lansbury and the Sexist Light Fixtures movie 
> 
> [[size 90%]]**I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO DO**[[/size]] and I //will// not //let// you your weapons have no effect on me so //FUCK YOU// NONE OF THIS IS MY FAULT **IT WAS //ESTRADA// IT WAS //CUNNINGHAM//**
> 
> **##red|I REFUSE TO BE SENT TO HELL OVER A [[size 150%]]//FUCKING SANDWICH//[[/size]]##** NONE OF THIS IS MY FAULT NONEOFTHIS ISSMYFAULT NONE OF THIS IS MNIOPFUY FAULT NONE OF THISISMYFAULTN ONEOFTHISISNYFAULTNON [Redacted for brevity]
> 
> ...
> 
> Anyway, it looks like we're finally filling in the SCP-9298 slot with something else. Good. I was putting that off...
------
[[div style="border:solid 3px #000000; background:#000000; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px;"]]
[[=]]
+++ ##white|**NOTICE FROM ADMINISTRATOR UHL**##
[[/=]]
Along with the 30 million remaining un-repurposed humans, approximately 12% of the Foundation's electronic devices have carried over into LODO-3, **{{SOME}}**% of which remain functional.

Total restoration of the Foundation database is heretofore impossible. Salvage efforts are ongoing.

**//__BIG DUCK__//** has cooperated with restoration efforts, and work is underway to recontain any remaining **{{WEIRDOS}}** that were carried over via the Domain Shunt. As part of the cooperation agreement, we have since been rebranded as the WSH[[footnote]]("**W**eird **S**tuff-**H**avers")[[/footnote]] Foundation so that our benefactors can better understand our purpose.

The following document is presented in a manner that Base Domain humans would understand, but has been **{{KINDA}}** contaminated by LODO-3's simplification.
[[/div]]
------
**Item #:** WSH-9298

**Object Class:** **{{USEFUL}}**

**Special Containment Procedures:** WSH-**{{LOTS}}** is kept in **{{BOX WITH A LOCK ON IT}}** at Site-**{{SITE}}**, located **{{SOME}}** km north of **{{CAPITAL}}**. Usage of WSH-9298 is open to the general public under the following conditions:

* WSH-9298 may only be used on a human subject.
* It may only be used to help adjust to LODO-3's physics.
* Subjects who have already been "demoted" three times are forbidden from doing so again.
* Only the designated **{{THINGIE HAVER}}** (currently Dr. Fogel) is to use WSH-9298. 
* Anyone interested in using WSH-9298 **{{HAS TO ASK NICELY}}**.

Additionally, all discussion about WSH-9298 and its usage is to be conducted in Site-**{{SITE}}**'s designated Quiet Room, as this is currently the only place on LODO-3 that Base Domain humans can conduct important meetings without being interrupted sudden energy blasts and/or dismemberment.

**{{THIS IS:}}** WSH-9298 is a rounded-rectangular electronic device measuring **{{SEVERAL}}**cm x 5cm x 3cm. of **{{HARD GRAY STUFF}}**, with a single red button and a black infrared **{{SIGNAL SHOOTY THING}}** at one end.

It was created by Dr. Gregory Cunningham prior to the Domain Shunt Incident, having duct-taped the flash drive containing [[[SCP-3045]]][[footnote]]Upon further examination, SCP-3045 acted as an emulated Domain Shunt for fictional settings.[[/footnote]] to a universal TV remote and run it through SCP-914 on "very fine" three times. It's colloquially known among Foundation staff as "the Demoter." 

When WSH-9298's infrared port is aimed at a human subject and the button is pressed, the subject is instantaneously converted to a version of themself one **{{EASY MODE}}** lower.

[[div style="border:solid 3px #ffffff; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px;"]]
[[=]]
+++ Record: Final WHS-9298 Conversions of Site-SITE Staff
++++ Site-**{{SITE}}** Quiet Room, **{{THEN}}**, 4/**{{LOTS}}**/**{{A WHILE AGO}}**
[[/=]]

**{{<START>}}**

[The four remaining staff members who haven't been converted to their LODO-3 variant sit at a card table in the center of the Quiet Room -- a ten-meter cube of soundproofed granite walls.]

[Dr. Fogel sips {{TEA-FLAVORED}} tea.]

[Dr. Uhl kneads his temples, sweating bullets.]

[Dr. Cunningham sits comfortably, wearing the 27M hearing protection he'd already run through SCP-914 on "Very Fine."]

[Dr. Estrada shivers, holding her ears.]

**Uhl:** ...Okay. Now that we've all gathered here, I think it's safe to --

[**//BIG DUCK//** suddenly materializes over the card table, bending down. Estrada screams.]

**//BIG DUCK://** **{{EXCUSE ME! HAVE YOU ANY //SHENANIGANS// TO REPORT?}}**

[The energy output of his voice causes all their eardrums[[footnote]](Except Cunningham's)[[/footnote]] to explode and their eyes to partially liquefy. They regenerate immediately.]

**Estrada:** //GO AWAY!//

**//BIG DUCK://** **{{YES, I AM VERY GOOD AT THIS. BEHOLD!}}**

[**//BIG DUCK//** dematerializes.]

**Uhl:** ...Moving on --

**Estrada:** [[size 75%]]No. No more noise. Not even //our// noise. No more words. This is supposed to be the quiet room. There's no quiet. Only noise. Endless noise. Endless...[[/size]]

**Uhl:** I think... I think Estrada would be a good candidate for the next --

**Estrada:** **//NO!//**

**Uhl:** //[Sigh.]//

**Fogel:** Hang on, I've got an idea. //[Using exaggerated lip movements so that Cunningham can read.]// CUNNINGHAM. ESTRADA NEEDS THAT EAR PROTECTION MORE THAN YOU. 

**Cunningham:** Ugh. Seriously? There's only one pair left in existence, and --

[**//BIG DUCK//** materializes again.]

**//BIG DUCK://** **{{REJOICE! I HAVE SUCCESSFULLY GONE AWAY! HAVE THERE BEEN ANY //SHENANIGANS// IN MY BRIEF ABSENCE?}}**

**Uhl:** Could you please whisper?

**//BIG DUCK://** **{{"WIZZ-PER?" INDEED! REJOICE, FOR I, TOO, AM VERY GOOD AT MAKING UP WORDS. BEHOLD: "QUARMBARP." "NIMZGORK." "GAAAH-YAYAYA-YAAAAH." }}**

**Estrada:** [[size 150%]]**GO. //AWAY.//**[[/size]]

**//BIG DUCK://** **{{AN ENCORE DEMONSTRATION? BEHOLD!}}**

[He dematerializes again. Estrada weeps.]

//[Cunningham's conscience gets the better of him. He hands his ear protection to Estrada.]//

**Cunningham:** Just get my conversion over with before he gets back.

**Estrada:** [[size 75%]]Thank you.[[/size]]

[She puts the headphones on.]

[Fogel points the remote at Cunningham.]

**Fogel:** How many levels?

**Cunningham:** Just one. I don't wanna completely lose myself yet.

**Fogel:** Really? You might feel better if you go the full --

**Cunningham:** Then why haven't you converted?

**Fogel:** I get off to being yelled at.

**Cunningham:** What?

**Fogel:** Firing...

**Cunningham:** Wait, I didn't catch -- 

[She presses the button once.]

[Cunningham's eyes widen. Not much about him has changed physically, at least from appearances.]

**Fogel:** Well? More levels, or keep it as-is?

**Cunningham:** I ... don't know.

[He slowly stares at Uhl in horror.]

...

[Uhl's blood pressure spikes.]

**Uhl:** Cunningham.

**Cunningham:** //You.//

**Uhl:** One question... does a LODO-1 mind still understand the concept of blackmail?

**Cunningham:** Leave the postal service out of this, //MacDuff Boy.//

[Uhl stands up and removes his ID badge.]

**Uhl:** [[size 70%]]By the power vested in me as Administrator effective immediately the SCP I mean WHS Foundation is officially disbanded and abolished forever go home you're all laid off it has been an honor buh-bye.[[/size]]

[Uhl sprints away.]

[Cunningham slams his fists on the table.]

**Cunningham:** I HAVE SHENANIGANS TO REPORT!

[**//BIG DUCK//** materializes.]

**//BIG DUCK://** //[Melodramatic gasp.]//

**{{<END>}}**
[[/div]]

------

> [[=]]
> +++ INCIDENT **{{SEVERAL}}**-BLACK TIMELINE
> [[/=]]
> 
> {{**EARLIER:**}} Dr. Uhl escapes Site-**{{SITE}}** on foot.
> 
> {{**LATER THAN THAT:**}} **//BIG DUCK//** is informed of Uhl's usage of the MacDuff Protocol to **{{GOOF IT UP BIG TIME}}**, which resulted in the **{{TURTLE FIESTA}}** that led to **{{SAD TIMES}}**. **//BIG DUCK//** sentences Uhl to **{{A SPANKING}}** and pursues him on foot.
> 
> {{**LATER THAN THAT:**}} Dr. Uhl reaches a sporting goods store across the street from Site-**{{SITE}}**.
>> **Uhl:** Give me the biggest, most powerful gun you have!
>> 
>> **{{CASHIER:}}** {{VERY EXPENSIVE.}}
>> 
>> **Uhl:** //For free!//
>> 
>> **{{CASHIER:}}** {{OKAY.}}
>
> {{**LATER THAN THAT:**}} Uhl acquires a handheld nuclear missile launcher from the store.
> 
> {{**LATER THAN THAT:**}} **//BIG DUCK//** makes visual contact with Uhl.
>> **//BIG DUCK://** //[Deep breath.]//
>> [[size 200%]]**//{{SHEEEEEEEEE...}}//** [[/size]]
>> [[size 300%]]##red|**//{{NANIGAAAAAAANS!!//}}**##[[/size]]
> 
> {{**LATER THAN THAT:**}} Uhl soils himself.
> 
> {{**LATER THAN THAT:**}} Uhl hops on the nearest high-speed streetcar to the town of **{{ALSONOTCAPITAL.}}** The g-forces partially deglove his skin, which proceeds to wave like a cape behind him..
> 
> {{**LATER THAN THAT:**}} **//BIG DUCK//** waddles after him at Mach 3.
> 
> {{**LATER THAN THAT:**}} Uhl fires several rounds at //**BIG DUCK**//, which annoys the latter severely but permanently destroys nothing.
> 
> {{**LATER THAN THAT:**}} Once his atomized body reconstitutes, the streetcar operator points to the cars' "NUKEN'T" sign and boots Uhl off at the next flag stop.
> 
> {{**LATER THAN THAT:**}} **//BIG DUCK//** catches up with Uhl.
>> //**BIG DUCK:**// {{**NOT ONLY DID YOU //SHENANIGANS//, YOU ALSO SHOT THINGS AT ME. HAVE YOU ANY LAST WORDS AS A MAN UNSPANKED?**}}
>> 
>> **Uhl:** Do you understand the concept of lying?
>> 
>> //**BIG DUCK:**// {{**I AM THE BEST AT LYING. BEHOLD!**}}
>> 
>> [**//BIG DUCK//** lies down.]
>>  
>> **Uhl:** Okay, great. Nobody can spank me unless they bring... uh... Saturn.
>> 
>> **//BIG DUCK://** **{{SATURN?}}**
>> 
>> **Uhl:** Yes, uh, the whole thing. You gotta bring it, put it //right// next to me -- and //then// you can spank me. That's science.
>> 
>> **//BIG DUCK://** **{{WHO TOLD YOU THIS?}}**
>> 
>> **Uhl:** Your mother.
>> 
>> **//BIG DUCK://** **{{NONSENSE! //BIG DUCK// WAS NEVER BORN! //BIG DUCK// JUST KINDA CAME AROUND THE CORNER ONE DAY!}}**
>> 
>> **Uhl:** Your //long-lost// mother.
>> 
>> **//BIG DUCK//:** //[Melodramatic gasp.]//
>
> {{**LATER THAN THAT:**}} **//BIG DUCK//** flies off to find Saturn.
> 
> {{**LATER THAN THAT:**}} Uhl enters the nearest building, the headquarters of the **{{EART TOURISM BUREAU}}**. He acquires a map of **{{EART}}**. 
>> **Uhl:** Excuse me.
>> 
>> **{{RECEPTIONIST: //AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!//}}**
>> 
>> **Uhl:** Could you tell me where I should go if I don't want anyone to find me?
>> 
>> **{{RECEPTIONIST:}}** //[Pointing to the ##red|**{{BIG HOLE}}**## on the map.]// **{{//AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!//}}**
>> 
>> **Uhl:** Thanks! 
>> 
>> **{{RECEPTIONIST:}}** //**{{AAAA!}}**//
> 
> {{**LATER THAN THAT:**}} Uhl catches another High-Speed trolley to go to the ##red|**{{BIG HOLE}}**##.
> 
> {{**LATER THAN THAT:**}} Before boarding, he judiciously remembers to discard his nuclear missile launcher.
> 
> {{**LATER THAN THAT:**}} Uhl reaches the ##red|**{{BIG HOLE}}**##...

[[div style="border:solid 3px #000000; background:#000000; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px;"]]
{{**<START>**}}

[Uhl stands before aptly-named ##red|**{{BIG HOLE}}**##. It's a borehole in the ground, {{**WOW THAT'S A LOT OF**}} kilometers in diameter. At the precipice, it appears to be a lake of darkness with only a vague green stripe in the distant horizon.]

[Uhl slowly approaches. He wants to look over into the depths, but the call of the void frightens him.]

...

[**//BIG DUCK//** slams into the ground next to Uhl, burning from re-entry.]

**//BIG DUCK://** {{**REJOICE! I RETURN! AND THE REQUIREMENTS TO SPANK YOU HAVE FINALLY BEEN MET!**}}

[**//BIG DUCK//** vomits a 2001 Saturn SL-2. At the wheel is a regular-sized female duck, knitting a sweater.]

**MAMA DUCK:** {{THANK YOU FOR MAKING US A FAMILY AGAIN, DR. UHL.}}

[Uhl slowly walks backwards to the edge of the hole.]

**Uhl:** Get away from me. You're not spanking anyone today.

**//BIG DUCK://** **{{DISAGREE. KINDLY PROCEED TOWARD ME AND STEP AWAY FROM THE --}}**

[He suddenly realizes where they are.]

...

**//BIG DUCK://** **{{OH...}}** {{Oh, no.}}

**Uhl:** Oh, so //now// you can talk quietly?!

**//BIG DUCK://** {{Dude, you... Look at me. You //really// don't want anything to do with that **##red|HOLE##**.}}

**Uhl:** Oh? Is it important to you? //[Smirk.]// How about this. Admit I did nothing wrong, and I'll never take a piss in the --

**//BIG DUCK://** {{This isn't a joke, man. Do you even know where it leads?}} 

**Uhl:** The center of planet?

**//BIG DUCK://** {{The center of //everything.// BODO.}} 

[Uhl nervously glances at the **{{##red|HOLE##}}** again.]

**Uhl:** ...Bottom Domain?

**//BIG DUCK://** {{Yeah. To be honest, I don't understand why we need it. The only thing that keeps it at bay is the complications starting on LODO-1. I think the ##red|**HOLE**## itself is meant to be a simplification. Some days I could swear it's growing wider. Slowly. ... Spitefully.}}

{{If you go in, you'll pass through every level like layers of an onion. It just gets louder. And angrier. And... smaller. You wouldn't die down there, but you'll never survive.}}

**Uhl:** And at the bottom? What then?

[**//BIG DUCK//** takes a deep breath, quivering.]

**//BIG DUCK://** {{The pawn that reaches the other side of the board can become a second Queen.}}

**Uhl:** Like... a god?

**//BIG DUCK://** {{There's no time down there. No mass. No matter. Just one thing, singular, unknowable, but endless and omnipotent. You wouldn't become a god, you would //become// BODO.}}

**Uhl:** ...

[Uhl slowly approaches the edge again.]

[**//BIG DUCK//** materializes in front of him.]

**//BIG DUCK://** {{YOU'RE MAKING A MISTAKE!}}

**Uhl:** Omnipotent. (Om-NIH-poh-tent.) Adjective. 1: Able to do anything, i.e. //Ever since Dr. Damon Uhl became **omnipotent**, he was able to change everyone's mind to see that the apocalypse wasn't his fault..//

**//BIG DUCK://** {{This isn't what you want!}}

**Uhl:** I could not have more clearly stated my intentions.

**//BIG DUCK://** {{Think about this for more than five short-times! If it were that easy to become the new god, why isn't everyone lining up for their turn in the god-pit?}}

**Uhl:** Because you're hiding it.

**//BIG DUCK://** {{YOU CAME HERE ON PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION. If you go down there, you'll become an all-powerful singularity -- but you'll also be reduced to one thing, the most pure essence of yourself. Everything that isn't //you// would cease to exist! You'd be a Platonic Form of yourself, whatever that is!}}

{{Look, just -- listen. There's another way.}}

//[An oversized spanking paddle appears in his wing.]//

**Uhl:** Oh, no you don't --

**//BIG DUCK://** {{JUST LISTEN! PLEASE! A spanking wouldn't hurt a Base-Domainer like you any more than a high-five, or any other gesture in LODO-3! And once it's done... you'll be forgiven. Completely absolved. My divine will as //**BIG DUCK**// will pardon you on the ontological level. Not even Dr. Estrada would be mad at you anymore.}}

**Uhl:** I don't //CARE// about the sentence! 

**//BIG DUCK://** {{THEN WHAT DO YOU WANT?!}}

**Uhl:** I. WILL. //**NOT.**// BE. CONVICTED. ON. **FALSE. //CHARGES!//**

[**//BIG DUCK//** Lowers his head. He laughs sadly.]

What's so FUCKING funny?!

**//BIG DUCK://** {{Dude. Self-doubt doesn't get simplified out of existence until LODO-5. Come on.}}

**MAMA DUCK:** {{NOW, NOW, DEAR. THE POOR FELLA'S NOT IN HIS RIGHT MIND. JUST GIVE HIM THE SPANKING AND HE'LL CHEER RIGHT UP.}}

**//BIG DUCK://** **{{MAMA KNOWS BEST, //SHENANGIANS BOY!//}}**

**Uhl:** GET AWAY FROM ME!

[The ground begins to shake.]

**//BIG DUCK://** //**{{GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY, IT'S AN EARTQUACK! HIDE UNDER A DESK!}}**//

[He manifests a giant desk over him and the Saturn and hides under it.]

[Unfortunately, the tremor is the side effect of the presence of a fast-approaching lifeform...]

**LODO-5 Estrada:** [[size 200%]]**WHERE UHL**[[/size]]

**//BIG DUCK://** **{{//NOT// UNDER THIS DESK!}}**

**Uhl:** You... 

**LODO-5 Estrada:** [[size 200%]]**ME**[[/size]]

**Uhl:** You were only supposed to use the WHS-9298 three times.

**LODO-5 Estrada:** [[size 200%]]**//ALL YOUR FAULT//**[[/size]]

**Uhl:** You can't prove any --

**LODO-5 Estrada:** [[size 300%]]**//REVENGE//**[[/size]]

**Uhl:** ...

**LODO-5 Estrada:** ...

[Uhl leaps into the ##red|**{{BIG HOLE.}}**##]

**//BIG DUCK://** **{{WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!}}**

**Uhl:** Beating the allegations.

[He plummets to the bottom.]

...

[He is never seen again.]

[Estrada approaches the hole and looks down, but can't find him.

**LODO-5 Estrada:** [[size 200%]]**HMM...**[[/size]]

[She approaches **//BIG DUCK//** with thunderous footsteps.]

**LODO-5 Estrada:** [[size 200%]]**BIRD**[[/size]]

**//BIG DUCK://** [[size 75%]]{{OH, QUACK...}}[[/size]]

**LODO-5 Estrada:** [[size 200%]]**WHERE LODO-5**[[/size]]

[He manifests an elevator to LODO-5 for her.]

[[size 200%]]**THANK :) I GO EAT FOODS**[[/size]]

**{{<END>}}**
[[/div]]

[[=]]
+++ {{[http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-9298/offset/7 (+ SCP-9298 - Final Iteration)]}}
[[/=]]

BECAUSE THEY TOAST THEM!!!

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