On Buds and Blossoms

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=====
[[include component:preview
text=In which the sleeping flower finally begins its bloom]]
=====

[[include :scp-wiki:theme:black-highlighter-theme]]
[[include :scp-wiki:theme:eventyr]]
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[[module css]]
#page-title {
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[[/module]]
[[>]]
[[module rate]]
[[/>]]
[[==]]
A mirror is one of the few ways for someone to see themself as the rest of the world sees them. Framed in glass, or polished stones or metal, the surface reflects the world of the viewer, projecting a space that feels familiar, but also incredibly alien; a copy of a copy, reality just out of reach.

Your mirror is almost always completely covered with a spare sheet from the bedding provided to you by the university, which was never comfortable compared to your usual moss. It stands like a stone obelisk in the corner, drab grey among the half-domesticated grotto you reside in during your months off the island. It's easy to ignore, and although the occasional gust sometimes reveals a corner, drawing your eyes to the shimmer for just a moment, your curiosity turns morbid the moment you realize only [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|It##[[/span]] waits for you, just under the surface.

In your youth, you learned that mirrors, reflections, were a gateway to deception, to allowing in not just thoughts, but oftentimes vengeful spirits or monsters that weren't really there. You felt, almost, as if you were not meant to perceive yourself to the extent you did; your distant relatives, deer, would see their reflection in the water momentarily during a quick drink, but from your conversations, they did not seem to process that it was, in fact, themselves looking back. 

In your own experience with water, you found  there was nothing you could do to stop the wavy reflection from looking back, regardless of one's mastery over the element. On most days, you could choose to ignore this, either through obstruction or by tracing grout lines on the bathroom tile with your eyes. But today is not most days, as were most days since your unfortunate experience at [[[to-serve-deer|dinner]]].

After a particularly rejuvenating bath, you wrap yourself immediately and tightly in a robe, not even allowing yourself the chance of a hint of your reflection on the water's surface. You wring your hair into the bath, allowing the damp bundle to rest over your left shoulder, and grab a small, glass jar filled with a clear, jelly-like substance. The mirror waits for you, as it always does. You call upon nature, call upon the vines in the earth to lift up the sheet. A soft glow emanating from you illuminates your dim enclosure, and slowly but surely the mirror is half-uncovered. You open just enough of your robe to reveal the scar, and dip your fingers in the jar, closing your eyes as you apply the ointment.
 
When you open them, you find two clawed hands sitting snugly on your waist.

[[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|//"Hello, child. Taking care of your **reminder**?"//##[[/span]] the discordant voice shrills at you.

In your panicked state, you stumble backwards, tripping on a root you're not quite sure you called to be there. You look in horror at the mirror, and that's when you see [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|It##[[/span]]: your [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|Shadow##[[/span]]. [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|Its##[[/span]] form, your form, contorts and twists as [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|It##[[/span]] slowly melts through the sheet of crystal, like yolk meshing with egg white, until the [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|infernal afterbirth##[[/span]] leans over you on all fours. You attempt to close your eyes, but you feel one of [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|Its##[[/span]] clawed fingers gently lifting your chin, causing a sound between a whimper and cry to leave you.

"G-go away. You should not be here, I did everything right!"

You open your eyes to the toothy grin of your [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|Shadow##[[/span]], and your ears droop as the sound of [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|Its##[[/span]] laughter, like rock scraping rock, fills the space.

[[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|//"I deserve to be here, just as much as you, **whelp**. You were thinking of me, and I have **just** the perfect gift for you."//##[[/span]]

As much as you don't want to believe it, your [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|Shadow##[[/span]] was correct. Most times, you knew your place and your limits, the difference between right and wrong. You were able to suppress your more… harrowing thoughts, instead choosing to fill your mind of the many volumes found in the Wanderers' Library, or in the epics Hana would recount to you over your evening meals. But everything changed when you stepped hoof into that restaurant and Hana was in danger.

The experience left you wounded, sure, but you felt powerful standing to defend her from harm. For a brief moment, it felt as if all the fear in your body had melted away and was replaced with something else entirely. It was a feeling you missed, and one you almost yearned for as the horrors of everyday life, of living as //you// are, slowly began to return to your mind.

"And why should I trust what you are saying? Last time I listened to you, we almost died! Hana can barely look me in the eyes now."

Much to your surprise, the [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|Shadow##[[/span]]'s expression softens. [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|//"You are juvenile in your understanding of us, child, and mistake our intentions. You allowed us control, and now we know exactly what you desire."//##[[/span]] The [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|Shadow##[[/span]] places a hand on your bare skin. [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|Its##[[/span]] touch is cold, and you feel a chill course through your body, following the fractal-like mycelial branches that burrowed themselves under your skin. [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|//"You want control over your form, but your fear blinds you to inaction. If you continue to live as you are now, you will tear yourself and the world apart with your repression. We simply offer you freedom."//##[[/span]]

You pause for a moment to weigh the [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|Shadow##[[/span]]'s words. [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|It##[[/span]] feels almost… sincere in [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|Its##[[/span]] offering; finally there was something that understood exactly how you felt. After all, was the form before you not also you? Although [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|Its##[[/span]] hair and nails were overgrown and filled with mud and brambles, [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|Its##[[/span]] teeth dagger-like, and eyes glowing with [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|crimson##[[/span]], your eyes could trace each of the [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|Creature##[[/span]]'s ribs, a reminder of a struggled upbringing, and the patchwork pattern of short and long strands of fur that dotted your upper legs. [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|It##[[/span]] wears [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|Its##[[/span]] nudeness with an almost confident air, while you hide from reflections every time you change your shirt or step out of the bath.

"H-how do I know that this is not a trap?" you ask through shortening breaths. Your mind races with the possibilities, but a muddled mixture of fear and doubt wants to believe that [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|Its##[[/span]] offer is simply too good to be true.

The [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|Creature##[[/span]] stands up and grins at you; [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|It##[[/span]] knows that you've been won over.

[[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|//"If you truly believed this were a trap, you would have fought to get rid of me by now."//##[[/span]] [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|It##[[/span]] holds out a hand to you. [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|//"Consider this an apology. Turning over a new leaf in our relationship. I can assure you, you will not regret it."//##[[/span]]

You hesitate for a moment before extending your hand upwards. The [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|Creature##[[/span]] pulls you off the ground at a speed to nearly whiplash you, before [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|It##[[/span]] disappears with a sound half-cackle and howl. You watch as the vines pull the remainder of the sheet off the mirror, and you feel compelled to take a look at yourself.

Your eyes glow a [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|crimson red##[[/span]] that doesn't seem to fade away after a repeated series of blinks. You slowly bring your hands to your face, allowing your fingers to touch your cheeks. Normal. You feel normal, at least physically. Your mind feels heavier than before, though, and you hear as another voice joins your monologue.

[[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|//Finally, everything is back to where it belongs. Does this wholeness not give you comfort? Enough, perhaps, to walk this treacherous path?//##[[/span]]

"What would you have me do?" you respond, to the empty room.

[[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|//There is something waiting for you in the Library to retrieve. After you do, send for our **knight**.//##[[/span]]

You feel your heart drop.

"What does Hana have to do with this? Why does she have to get involved?"

[[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|//Our knight possesses something that we do not. All will be explained after you visit the Library.//##[[/span]]

You attempt to detect any shred of deceit in the [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|Shadow##[[/span]]'s voice, but none comes through. Hopeful, you begin to think that, maybe, the [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|Shadow##[[/span]] is telling you the truth. You throw a shawl around your shoulders and, taking one last look at your apartment, head towards your impromptu objective.

-----
[[div class="text-container-wrap"]]
+++ Hana 📷💙
[[div class="text-container"]]
[[div class="sent"]]
[[span class="text"]]Hello, Hana? Are you available tonight? I need your help with something.[[/span]]
[[/div]]
[[div class="recv"]]
[[span class="text"]]Uhhhhh we should be finishing up with rehearsal soon[[/span]]
[[span class="text"]]I can leave now if it's urgent though[[/span]]
[[span class="text"]]What's up?[[/span]]
[[/div]]
[[div class="sent"]]
[[span class="text"]]Oh, it is nothing urgent. When you are finished, if you would meet me at my apartment, that would be wonderful. The door will be open for when you arrive.[[/span]]
[[span class="text"]]If it is not too much to ask, can you bring your paints and brushes over as well? I require them for a sort of project that I am doing.[[/span]]
[[/div]]
[[div class="recv"]]
[[span class="text"]]Yeah sure sounds good[[/span]]
[[span class="text"]]Love you see you soon[[/span]]
[[span class="text"]]💙[[/span]]
[[/div]]
[[div class="sent"]]
[[span class="text"]]I love you too.[[/span]]
[[span class="text"]]❤️[[/span]]
[[/div]]
[[/div]]
[[/div]]
-----

You shiver as you pace around your apartment, thumbing through the fading pages of the large tome you were promised held all the answers. It wasn't quite what you were expecting; you had encountered texts belonging to the Nälkä before, but fleshcrafting was something you were wary of. There was something terrifying to you about permanence, and you often stood on the ledge of change, sure in your ability to make a decision, but lacking the willpower to take the leap.

[[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|//You do not need to jump. If you truly allowed me to assist you, all it would take is a little push.//##[[/span]]

You try your best to ignore the urge, and instead return your attention to the book. This text was somewhat unlike fleshcrafting, though, and while the processes it talked about were still permanent in nature, there would be enough time for you to step away if you found your decision getting ahead of you. The author called for intricate spirals and complex runes and a multitude of open eyes to be painted across one's body. For once, the [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|Shadow##[[/span]] was telling the truth; there would be no way to do this without Hana.

"How do we know this will work? What will the Foundation say about the changes during my examination? They will know I changed something about myself."

[[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|//You cannot let your jailers prevent you from living the life you so desperately dream to live. They certainly have not stopped our knight from doing so.//##[[/span]] You pause to think for a moment before the [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|Creature##[[/span]] speaks again. [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|//You continue to doubt my true intentions?//##[[/span]]

"Last time I let you take control, we almost killed someone. She saw me turn into a monster and nearly rip someone apart. I am afraid that will happen again."

[[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|//You let me in because you were too weak and afraid to protect her on your own. I gave you the freedom to seize your own strength. What you did with that freedom was your responsibility. Do you not think that our knight would have done the same for you? Our… guardian does not fear killing as you do.//##[[/span]]

"D-do you think she sees me as a monster?"

[[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|//I know that you are not a monster. However, she cannot see you if you do not make yourself known; your true self, that lies within. Only then will you know what our knight thinks of you.//##[[/span]]

-----

Hana Thompson walks with a hurried strides across campus, breathlessly whistling along to the repeating melodies from band practice. For a Tuesday night in April, it was quite nice out; the weather was warming, and although Hana likened herself to a space heater during the particularly cold times of year, the breeze brought about a comfortable equilibrium. On any other night, she would probably take her time walking, wait for the luminous orbs adjacent to the pathway to light up, or even return with her camera to snap some pictures for a friend back on site. Tonight, she hardly noticed the scenery around her. Tonight, Hana was almost entirely lost in thought. 

The person known as Hana Thompson was a combination of many different things, and she always prided herself with being able to offer or learn something new in a situation. But most importantly, she was an incredibly guilt-ridden person. 

She stops to catch her breath at a sidewalk, watching as an assortment of different colored birds scramble away from the scattered remains of fries and a burger as a toddler approaches. 

//Meri would have told me the name of all of those.//

Hana curses herself; she had made herself quite scarce around her lover in recent times, both because of the demanding schedule of her band and school and the random assignments that would require her to meet Adams or some other agent to receive her mission. In the free time she had, though, Hana didn't know how to reach out. 

Usually, Hana would select an activity, venue, or even just a time to meet, and the pair would enjoy the presence of one another. But Hana hadn't invited Meri out since the massive fuck up that was meant to be their anniversary. 

The robotic //wait// of the crossing light disappears and Hana resumes her trek to Meri's dorm. It was a path Hana knew intimately; two lights, past the toothpaste barber pole and recently repainted restaurant seating to the large white apartment building on the left. She could do it with her eyes closed at this point, but instead, her eyes catch a glimpse of the fire-colored horizon. //Red.// 

When Hana did come to visit Meri, to check on her wounds or to just awkwardly exist behind the façade she had been putting up, she's reminded of the color and stench of blood. Blood that should have been on Hana's hands, not Meri's. 

//I promised her that I would protect her. She only turned into that... [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|Creature##[[/span]] because I failed.// 

She stops before the entrance of the building, hyping herself up for whatever came next. All Hana could hope for was Meri's forgiveness. Although Meri had specifically asked for her help tonight, a small, nagging part of Hana's mind worries that this would be Meri calling things off, the last straw that would break their relationship.

She carefully opens the door to the dim, bioluminescently-lit apartment, opening it just enough for her to pass through before carefully closing it behind her. Hana quietly places down her guitar case and removes her shoes; //certainly she can't be sleeping by now? Maybe she forgot I was coming? No, she wouldn't do that.//

She steps deeper into the apartment, ready to sheepishly call out her partner's name, only to find Meri nervously pacing, clad only in a soft robe. Hana's face begins to burn as the fawn regards her.

-----

"Hello, Hana. Apologies for not leaving the lights on for you, I was just… thinking."

You watch pink blush blooms across Hana's cheeks as she freezes for a moment in the vestibule. Even in the low light, she casts quite a distinctive silhouette compared to the space around her: on her back is the guitar case you helped embroider flowers and insects onto, which she sets down near the entrance. She wears her familiar baby blue jacket, as well as an unbuttoned shirt with a stringy tank top beneath it, and a pair of cargo shorts. You notice a mismatch of paints and brushes in a bag in her hand, though she grips it away from her body, as if it were of some danger to either of you.

[[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|//Perhaps//##[[/span]], [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|It##[[/span]] says in your mind, [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|//your judgement is clouded by your own anxieties. Unless-- does the princess believe that our knight has reason to be fearful of you?//##[[/span]]

"I-it's alright, don't worry. I didn't mean to walk in on you changing. I can step out for a sec if you want?"

//Does she think I am disgusting? Maybe this is too much for her. I made a mistake.//

[[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|//Your only mistake would be inaction. It almost killed you last time. Will you make the same mistake **again**, child?//##[[/span]]

You see her take a small step back, and you shrink somewhat. [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|Something##[[/span]] compels you to speak-- but the voice is your own. "No please, stay. There is… something I need your help with."

Hana pauses, and looks at you inquisitively.

"Is something wrong, Meri? Are you alright?"

You can hear a tinge worry weaving through her words. She hasn't approached you yet, a fact you are both thankful for and troubled by all the same. You take hold of the tome next to you, and with what little courage you can scrape up, open it gently to a bookmarked page.

"Earlier today I was at the Library for... a project, and I stumbled across this volume." You soften your voice slightly. "It is a book on low-level body transformations through the use of thaumaturgically-altered designs."

Hana steps closer, and you carefully hand the book to her. She skims through the text before tracing her fingers over the sketched eye, the intricate curves and spirals that cover much of the next few pages. Hana hands the book back to you, and you place it on a chair.

"I've dabbled in basic thaumaturgy before, but this doesn't seem too difficult. To get the effects the book is talking about, though, you need a rather large focus. What do you intend to use for this?"

You begin to blush and look towards the floor. Your face burns slightly as you reach for Hana's hands; they're soft but tense as she matches your grip. You nearly have to choke the words out.

"H-Hana. I need you to paint those designs on my body."

"I-I-- " You watch as Hana's face turns pinker than a camellia. "A-are you sure? Just a little bit ago you were cautious about holding hands and this-- is a big step from that. I just want to make sure you're comfortable." She begins to rub her thumbs over your fingers. 

For a moment, you find yourself once more on the edge of words. There's something so primal within you, telling you that it's time to run and hide, to tell Hana you changed your mind and allow yourself to be alone once more. In the approaching darkness, in the [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|Shadow##[[/span]], however, you see the smallest fleck of hope. For a moment, you spot the small flickering of something new, a sense, maybe something that can build to the fires of new feelings. Something that, despite the fear of your birth, and the repression of all the feelings of love that get shrouded by self-hatred, you think you can make your own. 

You don't want to miss this chance, not while you still have her. 

"I have been thinking-- I did not know how to tell you, and I was so close to losing you." You sniffle. "I am learning that there is so much I can be, but I do not know how to get there."  

[[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|//It is by your blood and your hands that you will be recreated. Our knight will only be here to look upon what she has unleashed.//##[[/span]]

"I understand, don't worry. I am so proud of how far you've come." She opens her arms to you. "Will-- will you let me help you be brave?"

You whisper out, "Please." 

You quickly nod your head before nestling it in the crook of Hana's neck, careful not to poke her with your antlers, as tears begin to well in your eyes. The faded smell of her pomegranate perfume and dried sweat overwhelms you, and you lose yourself in her.

"I am so scared of what I am, Hana. I do not want to hide from my reflection anymore. I do not want to view myself as a monster."

Tears slowly begin to flow from your eyes, and you feel a hand cautiously begin to slowly run across your hair. A calming //shhhhhhhhh// leaves Hana, almost like a soft breeze, and your worry starts to melt away. After a moment, you pull away, noticing the dark patch on Hana's jacketed shoulder. She smiles at you, and takes a deep breath.

"Alright, if we're going to do this, I'm going to need a second to get ready. I just need to check to make sure my paints aren't going to irritate your skin, but after that we can begin, yeah?"

"Thank you, Hana."

"It's not a problem at all, Meri. Thank you for letting me be part of this experience."

She steps away, and you watch as she begins to check the labels on her tubes of paint and run the brushes across her skin. You turn towards the mirror, seeing yourself wearing a slight smile in the reflection.

//How fortunate am I to have someone like her.//

[[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|//We are fortunate indeed.//##[[/span]]

-----

Hana directs you to sit on a stool in the center of your space, clearing the immediate area around you of any obstructions and tripping hazards. You sit in near-perfect stillness as you watch her work diligently, at one point stopping to wipe the sweat from her forehead. She brings the bag of paints over to you, opening it and offering you to select one.

"Your book didn't say anything specifically about a color, so I thought you would be interested in choosing one."

You look down at the mismatched selection of pigments, imagining what it would be like for you to wear one; oceanic blues and verdant greens, royal purples and soft pinks, daffodil yellows. Your eyes, and by consequence the hand not quite in your control, are drawn towards a deep red, reminiscent of the tenebrous flowing of wine.

"I think that color would look nice on you." You survey Hana's face as she speaks, trying to search for any notes of discordance or any sign that this wouldn't have been the color the artist chose.

A [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|Voice##[[/span]] within you rumbles with laughter, before [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|Its##[[/span]] graining speech fills your mind.

[[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|//Even our knight sees your true nature, the one you deny yourself. Have you considered that, perhaps, we are both trying to help you? That she too will push you towards the same path you are so fearful of?//##[[/span]]

You watch as she pockets the paint and a brush in her shorts before walking towards your mirror. She removes her jacket and button-down shirt and hoists them across your mirror, allowing them to lazily oscillate before coming to a complete stop. You take note of the subtle flex of the muscles on her back, and how her tank top hugs her body in a way you feel would take centuries for you to be comfortable replicating. Hana smiles as she approaches you, her lithe, athletic form almost cat-like in its movement. You stare at her calves, the smooth muscles flexing as you wonder what they would feel like. Your earlier fears of physical contact seem to have been replaced with another sensation; a foreign one, a warmth in your stomach, a desire.

[[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|//You yearn to explore her body, and for her to do the same in kind.//##[[/span]]

You deny the [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|Shade##[[/span]], as your cheeks match [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|Its crimson##[[/span]] stare. 

//I-- I do not understand the feeling which you refer to. I am simply appreciating her form.// The feeling of doubt bubbles into your mind. //Right?// 

Hana kneels down, gently flicking the blue streak of her parted hair from in front of her soft, brown eyes.

"Alright, I think I'm ready to begin if you are?"

//I love her. If she asked me to create a world for just the two of us, I would shape the earth and the water and the sky to whichever form would bring us the most peace.//

[[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|//What if she wanted to leave your 'paradise'? Would you destroy the world if she asked?//##[[/span]]

"Meri?"

You feel the weight of a hand atop yours as she pulls you back to reality. She tilts her head, giving you a look that combines both understanding and worry.

"Apologies. I-I think I am ready to begin."

Hana nods and leans back, sitting on her heels.

"Alright, cool." Hana pauses long enough for discomfort to appear. "I-- uh, how did you want to do this?"

"The painting? You seem to have all the materials and the text to begin. Is something missing? 

"No I mean... your robe. Did you want me to remove it, or would you be more comfortable if you did?"

"Oh. I-I can do it. One moment."

"Right right. No worries, take all the time you need."

You slowly and less-than-gracefully allow the robe to loose from your shoulders. It slides down your arms and then your side before stopping at the seat, your hips, level with the one scrap of cloth remaining on your body, protecting Hana from the sight of your nakedness. Almost instinctively, you wrap your arms around your chest, but feel only the small protrusions of your ribs. You know nothing is there, a reminder of the body you were born with, but this innate reaction was always enough for you to imagine there was. You're reminded of seeds, likening yourself to a bud that would blossom into a woman from the currently flat and barren ground.

[[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|//One must tend a garden if they wish to reap the rewards.//##[[/span]]

Hana places a hand atop one of yours, her warm fingers brushing the ridges of bones and veins on the back of your hand.  At the feeling, you close your eyes and turn your head away. You're almost certain she can hear your heartbeat, convinced she can feel them too from how hard it pounds against your chest. You wonder what it might be like if her hand was on your chest directly; would touch alone cause rhythmic order to run into chaos, or would the pressure alone slow the pace down to something more manageable. Yes, you hope it to be the latter. The imagined pressure eases your panic, though when you open your eyes, you realize it was never there to begin with, only the fleeting remnants of desire buried in Hana's eyes. 

"Hey, it's alright. There's nothing to worry about. It's just me here." Hana laughs. "I can take my clothes off too, if that would help you be more comfortable. I was an art class model once because a friend needed a favor."

You feel a heat rising to your face as you imagine Hana as you are now, sitting on a stool, demure, with only a loose robe draped over her. She had taken you to a great deal of museums in the short time you knew her, and you had always had a certain reverence around the many portraited nudes of masters past. There were times where you imagined the pair of you up there, in the oil and acrylic on canvas, but ultimately, you knew that there was only space for one of you up in there; it //was// undeniable: Hana Thompson was the perfect muse.

"N-no, that is not necessary. I appreciate the offer. Thank you." 

[[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|//Can you imagine, feeling as comfortable within your body as our knight does? You are so close, child. Can you taste it?//##[[/span]]

Your mind lingers a moment longer on her offer, how ready she was to propose that to you. Part of you, a breathless, more wild part of yourself wonders what you would have seen if you said yes.

When you finally return from the fantasy, you watch Hana squeeze a tube of deep carmine pigment onto an already stained bamboo palette. The paint spirals down, before setting in a lopsided pile. Following this, Hana runs her thumb over the velvety strands of a small, conical paintbrush, one of the many tucked into the waistband of her cargo shorts. Your eyes linger on her hips, to the occasional glimpse of tanned skin that appears just for a moment when she lifts her arms, but disappears just as quickly, leaving you wanting for more.

"May I?" she says, motioning for one of your arms. You nod, and you watch as she gently extends your arm, allowing your hand to hang limply just for a moment before she takes it in her own. She runs the bristles slowly along the top of your hand; it reminds you almost of soft lichen. You laugh.

"It tickles. I was not expecting this."

"Try not to laugh too hard, I don't want to accidentally turn you into a frog." Hana smirks. "Though you wouldn't need to worry too much; you already have your prince to turn you back."

Before you can respond, you watch as she lifts your hand to her lips, and places a kiss on top. Your cheeks flush, and you use your free hand to cover your mouth. You watch as she dips the brush into the merlot smear, her hand shaking as she lifts the brush to your hand. She furrows her brow, hovering the tool just above the surface for a moment, and consults the tome leaning just out of your periphery. 

Her hand no longer shakes when the brush touches your skin. You watch as red paint meets brown skin, feel the smooth and cold wetness, smell the earth and iron oxide that gives it its color. You blink, and the upper eyelid, lashes and all, appear on your skin. Not long after, the top of your hand has been all but covered by a crimson eye. You stare at it, and it stares at you; you don't feel watched, not like you would when encounter the usual owner of those eyes. No, instead you feel as though a link on the chain constricting you has cracked and loosened. The fear was gone; you are beginning to feel free.

-----

"Can I ask a stupid question?"

Much of your right arm, up to your shoulder, is already covered in paint, and although there are no evident effects of it working (and there will be no evident effects of it working for a while), you feel as though a massive weight has been lifted off of your shoulders. Hana sits closer to you now; her motions have become almost natural at this point, though the physical strain has become somewhat apparent. Sweat beads her forehead, and a dish towel lazily rests on her neck. A drop is knocked loose, and you watch as it traces the path down her neck to her collarbone, continuing down along her curves until it disappears, leaving your eyes looking down Hana's shirt. Out of fear, you go to shut your eyes, but a split-second impulse averts your glance to Hana, focused on the design. You decide to let your eyes linger a moment longer, allowing yourself a look at something you've not given yourself permission to before. 

//The way Hana's body curves-- it reminds me almost like a flower in the wind, or the shore of the lake between the site and island.//

[[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|//You are staring, young one.//##[[/span]] The [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|//voice//##[[/span]] grates at you. [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|//Look at her breasts, princess. Gaze at the body she was given. Do you desire the same fullness in your chest, or do you long to see how she feels? How she tastes?//##[[/span]] 

[[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|It##[[/span]] softens in tone. [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|//Why must you deny yourself such pleasure?//##[[/span]]

Blinking the thoughts out of your mind, you turn your head to her, inviting Hana's question. She doesn't meet your eyes, she's too distracted with finishing a particularly elegant filigree that ends around your shoulder blade, but she acknowledges your gesture by continuing.

"Outside of the obvious, does anyone else at 19 know how you feel? Usually they try to keep us as happy as they can, so I'm surprised they didn't provide any sort of... care to you on site."

[[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|//I wonder why they treat her better than you.//##[[/span]] 

You let out a scoff, more bitter sounding than you intended, though you intended for your initial answer to have provided more insight.

"I do not think they know what to do with me." You sigh. "When I was a baby, I was told they did not even provide clothes to me for a time, at least while I was still contained inside. Once Director Light started more directly taking care of me, and once my father learned how they treated me, that was when things started to change, though not exactly for the better." You think back to your first steps on the island, the wonder of spending your first night under the stars. Those thoughts quickly shift to the chilling winters you spent frostbitten and shivering, or the blistering summers you spent drenched, slipping in and out of consciousness from dehydration. 

"The researchers brought in to inoculate me, I learned, were veterinarians; they did not know how to treat something like me, so they proceeded as they normally would. They ignored my pleas, my tears. They strapped me down to the table when I would not stop kicking." You clench your fists, watching the eye contract with the motion, and your voice cracks. "Their gloves left hives and rashes behind; I do not think there was a part of my body that was untouched during those years."

You feel Hana pause, and she attempts to open her mouth to speak, but no words leave her lips. In an attempt to stave off the silence, you continue, allowing the cascade to continue to flow.

"After the incident, the mushrooms, my illness, I simply didn't think I'd be able to touch anyone or anything again. I watched so many things fall apart in my hands. The birds--" You swallow hard. "I was a monster in my caretakers' eyes, unworthy of affection. All of my requests were met with derision. I tried my best to not ask for much; I do not think we wanted to be in each other's presence for much longer than either of us needed to, but even then. They would not even give me scissors or even a comb to properly groom myself." You shift in your seat, shrinking into yourself somewhat. "I could have tried to advocate for myself more. My father, Dr. Glass, both of them could have helped me, but I was far too scared. I did not think they would take me seriously." You let out a laugh, though it's more akin to a cough. "I feel as though my hunters have given me more love."

[[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|//And yet, you see **yourself** as the monster.//##[[/span]] 

The last few words leave your mouth, and in the resulting silence, where your ears droop in embarrassment, you find yourself breathing much faster than normal. Your hands grip so hard onto the stool you worry that you would break the walnut surface.

"Fuck, I--" Hana pauses. You steal a glance at her face, worried that she might have shed a tear for you. Instead, you notice her expression is one of a deep frustration. "Saying sorry won't fix any of that, Meri, but... I won't //ever// let that happen to you again. If that means I have to break you out and we spend our days being hunted, I would move the world if it would help you feel better." 

You mutter out a "thank you," before she returns to her work. Her words, while appreciated, only do so much. You're disheartened; for once, you wish that someone would hold you, letting the comfort of their warmth ease the sore of years of isolation and neglect. On the other hand, you fear the volatility of your body and mind. Although she has gone back to focusing on painting, you sneak glances at the stool before you, imagining a decaying mass in your grip. But there is none. You are fine.

[[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|//You fear that which does not exist, fawn. Give yourself to her, fully; fall into her arms and let her take control. You know she will catch you, hold you tight-- you just need to let go.//##[[/span]]

//Was this what I have been afraid of?//

[[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|//Your jailers made you fear your own body. Let her liberate you.//##[[/span]] 

= **➹ ➸ ➹**

You and Hana make small talk as more and more paint begins to adorn your body. The [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|Shadow's##[[/span]] advice repeats in your head, and in an attempt to recenter yourself, you begin to focus more and more on the real.

There's something... tactile about the experience; you never considered touch to be one of your strongest senses. In fact, your experience of the world amplified all of your other senses //besides// touch. As such, your sense profile of Hana was, up to this moment, incomplete. It was a missing piece of the intimate whole of your relationship. You knew how she sounded, hearing her quiet steps around the apartment and the inflection of her voice, and you knew how she smelled, the overwhelming intoxication of her pomegranate perfume, or the more casual hints of cinnamon and irises. You knew how she looked, the shine of her brown eyes and the cotton candy or lapis dye in her hair, the signature baby blue jacket she wore and the lean muscle that composed her that was hidden just underneath. You knew how she tasted, and though some hidden, repressed part of yourself was craving more, you remember the saltiness of your first kiss, the one you stole in an attempt to make her feel better, and the taste of every kiss afterwards, cherry lipstick or simply just the indescribable taste of Hana's lips alone.

But you had not left yourself open for touch, and it was not an ache you recognized until you focused on Hana's hands and the brush on your bare body. You feel yourself getting lost in the moment. Every glide of the paintbrush, every accidental touch or steadying hand against you feels almost electric. The conversation is lost on you, just a buzz in the warm air, and you begin to fixate more and more on the physical. Your cheeks flush, your breathing shallows, and you feel the gradual relief of tension across your body, bringing its own form of pleasure along with it.

You slowly begin to slip away, and as more and more paint covers your body, as Hana methodically works to make your body your own, you want nothing more than to submit yourself to being her canvas. Simply, in this moment, you allow yourself to be hers, regardless of the form that looked like. You close your eyes and begin to dream, letting yourself slip into the fantasy. After this, anything would be possible. You imagine reaching for Hana's hand, not stumbling for the words to ask her first, imagine pulling her in for a deep hug on the many days either one or both of needed one. You began to imagine what would come after a kiss, allowing Hana's hands to find their way under your shirt or the hem of your ski--

A sudden wave of dread overtakes the running thread of your imagination. You want to suddenly shrink up again, throw your robe back over yourself, hide yourself under your moss blanket as if it would do anything to cover up the affliction of your unfortunate birth.

[[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|//Hesitation. You deny yourself the most intimate bond with our knight, the consummation of her promise to you. Do you really think you are her first? Do you truly believe she has not been with a thing like **you** before?//##[[/span]]

Your chest begins to tighten. The [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|Shadow's##[[/span]] questions bring you no solace, and you feel yourself slipping further and further into the void of you all-consuming thoughts until-- you feel a light tap on your shoulder.

"Meri? Did you fall asleep on me?" Hana giggles. "Cmon, I haven't been painting for that long. I'm just about to finish up."

You open your eyes to see Hana crouched in front of you, smiling. It was the same sort of smile she wore at the end of all of her artistic activities, though it never once crossed your mind that this would turn you into one of her projects of sorts.

"There was one spot that I felt would be better if you did it. This is your creation, after all. The true artist should get the last line."

She gestures towards the spot, the thick scar on your abdomen, fenced by an upper and lower eyelid, but nothing more.

"What would you have me do?" you reply. Your hands begin to feel clammy from a mixture of anticipation and worry.

"All you have to do is add in the pupil. Just a small circle should be good, and then we can take a look, yeah?"

You nod, and wait for Hana to hand you the paintbrush. She hesitates for a moment, and her jovial attitude fades. You watch as she leans forward to kiss the scar, a chill coursing through your body as lips touch skin, before she whispers "I'm sorry." You long to pull her closer, to invite her lips to continue until she was satisfied-- but she pulls back, reluctant. Hana passes the paintbrush to you, and although she looks away for a moment longer than you were hoping she would, her cheerful demeanor returns as you cautiously spiral the brush into a small circle.

[[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|//Do you feel complete now? Or is there something **else** you desire.//##[[/span]] 

Not a second later, Hana offers her hand to help you off the stool.

With more bravado than normal she asks, "Might I help you to the mirror, my lady." Your smile is all the answer she needs to lift your arm from the chair.

The pair of you walk over to the crystalline frame, Hana leading and you carefully adjusting the robe wrapped around your waist in an attempt to hide your underwear. As you slowly begin to enter the view, you get hit with just how much effort Hana put into her work. Your skin was almost like lace, lattice, geometric asymmetries and curves that gave way to a myriad of crimson eyes that stared back at you, not so dissimilar to your own eyes, purple tinged with scarlet, though seemingly not enough for anyone but you to notice.  

[[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|//Take comfort, young one. You finally see yourself as you are, and our knight has seen your scarlet self in kind. Embrace this, embrace our guardian-- do you see now I have your best interests at heart?//##[[/span]] 

"So... what do you think? Did I do a good job, or are you going to fire me for someone else?"

You laugh, your amusement allowing Hana to unclasp her hands and lower her shoulders. She smiles alongside you.

"This is unquestionably beautiful, Hana. I do not think I can thank you enough."

"Awww. Don't mention it. I //am// at your service, after all." She winks at you.

You allow yourself to sit with your thoughts for a moment. How //would// you repay Hana for this? What exactly would be an even exchange?

"I just hope this helps you be a little more confident with yourself now. Let the world see you how I see you."

//Confidence.// This was something your knight was in no short supply of. You lean your head on her shoulder, and she leans into yours.

"I wish I had the confidence you possessed, Hana. You and the world do not seem to be at odds with one another."

Hana laughs. "You think I'm confident?"

You nod. Of course you did. Hana always had a certain freeness about her, in what she wore, in how she acted. While your outfits tried to cover as much of your body as possible, Hana allowed herself the freedom to have as comfortable or expressive of a style as possible. Even early on, when the two of you had only interacted a handful of times prior, Hana had no qualms changing with you in the room, though you still covered your eyes or turned to face the corner whenever she did, even as Vesper joked that there 'wasn't much to see'. //It's fine! We're both girls.// was the reasoning she provided, even before you officially told her, though you had a sneaking suspicion that she, like everyone, could already tell.

Hana's expression shifts, cheerful to morose, and you feel the pressure of her head leave your shoulder. She cautiously steps over to the bag of paints, pauses, and reaches in to grab a blue tube. Your eyes follow her to just before the stool and, with a determined look on her face, you watch as she pulls the tank top over her head, watching the flex of her arms as the cotton curtain moves past her stomach, ribs, and chest before it falls like snow to the ground. Her shorts follow, sliding like rails down the curves of her legs before remaining as a puddle at her ankles. 

"I'm sorry to disappoint you, Meri," she says, baring herself before you. "But I'm not as brave as you think I am."

-----

Truthfully, Hana wasn't sure how to feel in the current moment.

//What the fuck was I thinking? Why the fuck am I naked. Oh god, this was a mistake.//

The night hadn't gone at all how she was expecting it to: she didn't think the two of them would be comfortably (if it could be called that) in the same room as one another with such so few clothes on. 

There was a part of Hana that welcomed this experience-- in terms of love languages, she and Meri might as well have been speaking gibberish to one another. In the same way a plant needs water, Hana, in all of her relationships, required some aspect of physical touch in order to affirm that someone was there and cared.

With the more adult relationships in her life, oftentimes an encouraging hand on shoulder or hug sufficed. For the relationships closer to her age, these interactions were on a much larger spectrum. Though she wouldn't call herself clingy, Hana often tried to steal a hug or lean on a friend, even a cuddle if they were alright with that. In particularly awful periods of disassociation, it was not uncommon for her to lay her head on a friend's lap and close her eyes while they did homework or studied.

Of course, this carried over to her more romantic relationships as well; the root of Hana's frustration. Before Meri, in flings she could remember by name or in fragmented memories, Hana felt confident taking the lead, as long as her partner was comfortable, in voicing her specific needs.

But Meri was not a fling, nor was she like any of Hana's past partners.

//Alright, relax, Hana. She didn't run away screaming. You're alright. Remember **why** you're doing this.//

For a time, Hana worried that Meri's aversion to touch was due to a certain repulsion towards Hana; she hardly looked the part of the storybook knights, and although her work with Adams to build muscle was succeeding, Hana worried that the dissonance between story and reality was driving an uncomfortable wedge in their relationship. But of course, that wasn't the case, and as Meri opened up more and more, Hana found that, due to the circumstances of her life, all she knew how to provide were the enchanting words of love. Meri's fear was only something Hana could support Meri through; Meri would grow and be more comfortable in time, it was just a matter of helping her to that point.

Now that they've arrived at that point, Hana was excited at the prospect of being more physical with Meri, finally being able to provide her lover with the style of love she excelled in. A small voice in the back of her head was still worried, though; Meri seemed… different tonight. While at first Hana chalked this up to the emotional magnitude of the night, something that she wasn't quite able to fully recognize the weight of, her partner was still distant, seemingly lost in thought. It was as if Meri was always on the cusp of saying something but ultimately shying away from doing so.

But, for now, Hana was content. She would ask Meri about it at another point, when the emotional weight of the night had faded, when the tired redness staining Meri's purple eyes subsided. Hana wasn't going to risk ruining a good thing, not again. Tonight, she would just allow the tide to carry her where it will.

//I just... need to be brave tonight. Just one night, and things will be normal. We'll be like a normal couple. Normal.//

-----

You take what was once Hana's position, kneeling on the soft moss floor before her. The two of you struggle to lock eyes for a moment; you acquaint yourself more with the sights of the floor, grass and weeds and small wildflowers, while Hana looks at somewhere in the distance. If you wanted to try to hide your embarrassment from her, you were doing a poor job at doing so.

[[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|//Why do you cower, child? You have overcome so much tonight, bared yourself more to the world and our lover than you previously thought possible. In return, she has bared herself to us, but you only act to scorn her.//##[[/span]]

//What would you have me do?//

[[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|//Serve her as she has already served us. Use the brush and your hands to enchant her, so that she may lose yourself in us as you have lost yourself in her.//##[[/span]]

//And what if I mess up? What if I do something wrong?//

[[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|//Are you willing to risk losing her? She who claims to love you and whom you love in turn? Will you let fear keep you from embracing your destiny once more?//##[[/span]]

You pause. At times, Hana had been anxious, sometimes cautious about showing affection in public, whereas other times, she acted as though she didn't care who was around to see the two of you. It was a weird dissonance you had not interrogated, and one that Hana seemed to brush off or deny the few times you had brought it up. But to you and the many fairy tales you had read, love was just a normal facet of the world around you, regardless of the form. You don't think you could ever view your love as wrong, only just as your love.

Taking the shadows advice, you slowly allow your eyes to meet Hana's. They trace the silhouette of her body from the pink socks she wore to her crossed legs, from the tension stored in the muscles of her abdomen, to the floral tattoos that clung to her ribs like trellises, before you finally see the soft pink of her face. She welcomes you with a smile and a laugh.

"Nice to see you." She holds out her hands to offer you the paint tube and brush. "You don't have to do anything too intricate for me. Just... paint what you'd like. I'm your canvas."

[[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|//See? She gives her body to us in full. She is ours, so make your claim.//##[[/span]] 

[[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|Something##[[/span]] rumbles with laughter in your mind as you take the items from her hand. You lightly squeeze the tube, allowing a small amount of paint to peek its head above the opening before smearing it on the brush. Hana leans back, her hands grabbing onto either side of the stool, and she uncrosses her legs, placing them uniformly on the ground.

You hesitate for a moment, looking for a place to start; Hana's skin, for the most part, was unmarred, save for a few nicks and scratches long faded by time. There was the occasional collection of sunspots, a semi-regular pattern of moles you could attach imaginary constellation lines to. But your eyes keep returning to the flowers, nestled just under her left arm, swaying to the beating of her heart. Now prepared, you hover your hand millimeters from her skin, before you place it on the surface as gently as you can; she's incredibly warm, and the coldness of your hand causes her to jump slightly. With your other hand, you slowly bring the brush to her skin, and make quick work filling in the individual flowers.

Hana's abdomen is hard at first, softening as your hand becomes acquainted to it. Despite the firmness beneath the surface, her skin is smooth, with the faint scent of lavender emanating from her. You imagine your hand tracing every inch of her; did she feel the same all over? Did here have the same firmness as there? Or would you watch as Hana slowly melts beneath you, her warmth comforting you as you became familiar with each mole or birthmark on her surface. 

"A-alright, I think I am finished."

Hana laughs and lifts up her arm to get a better look in the mirror.

"It looks wonderful, Meri." She pauses and you wait, unsure of how to answer. "Did you want to continue?"

[[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|//Of course you do.//##[[/span]] 

Your ears perk up slightly. "D-did you want me to continue?"

Hana exhales and looks away from you. "Please?" Her request sounds less like a question and more of a plea to you, not quite begging, but there's a touch of desperation laced into her words. It's an... unexpected addition, the first time you find yourself distressed at the prospect of disappointing her. You never saw yourself as one to deny Hana anything when she asked, and you wonder if this is how she feels about you in turn. You take another scan of her, letting your imagination guide you, before you start again.

= **➹ ➸ ➹**

"I've been thinking about how you responded to my question. I'm glad you think I'm brave, really-- I //want// to be that for you, but-- it just took me a while to get there."

She sighs deeply before beginning. "Growing up, I never really matched any beauty standards. I felt like it was a constant struggle for people to just... see me as I was. I didn't know many people who looked like me; there aren't many Asian people that live in the middle of nowhere Michigan. I always wanted to be taller, thinner, whiter-- anything that would mean I wasn't different.

You look up from your work, a simple leafy vine snaking its way down Hana's thigh, and tilt your head. Part of you wants to rest it on Hana's legs, though you're not sure you were particularly interested in painting your face blue. So instead, you sit, and offer her the endless patience gifted to you as part of your upbringing.

"After the... [[[scp-6317|accident]]], when everyone was working to put me back together, the only thing that was truly mine were my eyes. I couldn't feel, couldn't recognize anything-- I couldn't remember what 'Hana' looked like. All I could do was see the world. Once they started treating me with mnestics, almost everything started to make sense again. I was //finally// returning to the person they told me I was." She sniffles. "The first shower I could remember I-- I looked in the mirror and started crying. [[[scars-of-kodachrome|All the voices]]] in my head screamed that they wanted to be let out of a body that wasn't theirs. I didn't even know if it was mine, I felt like I was on fire."

Hana curls in on herself, pulling her knees in and hugging them tightly with her arms. "As I slowly recovered, the connection between my mind and body began to heal as well. Babies learn a lot about the world around them through touch, so Glass started shifting me towards treatments that helped bring back that sense of... real. That's why I'm always wearing that jacket; Heather explained to me that the jacket remembers what I once was and takes me back to that, almost." She smiles slightly. "The weight is nice too, though."

You watch as she stands up and begins pacing. She fidgets with her hands as she walks, turning her back to you. "When I started coming to school here, I was finally given the space to... experiment with my condition? I was finally around more people my age, living as close to a normal life as I could. With just a few... interactions, I learned that touch helped me more than anything else did before, even swimming! I dissociate less here, I can afford to forget to take my mnestics or do my morning grounding ritual without worrying that I'll slip away and no longer be, well, me."

[[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|//**You** were not there for her.//##[[/span]] 

Part of you almost feels guilty for not knowing this; up until now, Hana seemed like she had always been in control of herself, despite the events that transpired in her past. You simply wish you knew to ask her.

"I am... so sorry, Hana. I did not know."

"It's alright, Meri. I just didn't want to make you do stuff you weren't comfortable with for my sake."

A wave of sadness overtakes you for a moment, but something persists through it, something solid deep from within yourself that you had not noticed before; you wanted to take the next step, for her.

You stand and walk over to Hana, who turns as you approach. In one motion you take both of her hands and pull her in for a deep kiss. You catch her off guard, though her lips comfortably melt into your own. They have their own hunger, desperation, and they begin to take the lead as if making up for lost time. You allow yourself to remain like this for a time, only pulling yourself back when you finally grasp what it is you've done. Her face is almost beet red, and she gives you an astonished look, like she had just woken up.

[[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|//Give yourself to her in full. Let your desire bring the pleasure you both long for.//##[[/span]]

"Will you teach me how to be brave, Hana?"

"I thought you'd never ask." She smirks at you, before cupping your face with her hands and kissing you. You close your eyes, allowing your other senses to take over as you struggle to keep up with your lover. There's almost a rhythm to it, the movement of her hands, first to your neck and then the back of your arms, the almost intermittency of her lips against yours. You're closer than you've ever been before, skin against skin as Hana sways and pushes against you, almost in an attempt for you to be as one. It's almost natural, in an entirely unnatural way; you feel like two pieces of a puzzle, rejecting the obstacles blocking you from connection. For once, you find yourself worshiping Hana in an entirely new way, words failing as you find yourself wanting more and more and more of her, listening instead to the hymns of your breathing and frantic kissing. 

And suddenly, she stops with an almost panting laughter.

"Do you want me to teach you what to do with your hands?" You open your eyes, realizing that you hadn't touched Hana once since your initiation. Instead, you stood there with your arms out, stiff, as if offering an awkward hug. You look away, embarrassed, wishing that your ears were long enough to cover your face.

"I-uh, yes, please. What am I supposed to be doing?"

Hana offers you her hand, which you accept, and she leads you back to the stool.

"Baby steps, Marigold. You need to get comfortable with touching me first before you can learn."

"Yes, of course. How do I do that?"

Hana sits on the stool and flips her short hair back. She flashes you a playful grin, holding the blue tube of paint just out of your reach, beckoning you forward.

"Well, sometimes the best way to learn is by doing."

= **➹ ➸ ➹**

Your connection to Hana in the moment is almost magnetic, an invisible force that you can't quite name that calls you closer and closer to her. You regard her like one treats a new discovery with unbound curiosity, wanting to explore each and every inch of her before uncovering what lay before the surface. In short, you felt the burning of a new need, one that only Hana knew intimately. 

Always a student, you listened intently to each and every word Hana spoke, followed the directions she gave you without question, until she deemed you ready to bring your learning to the practical. 

//Just put a little paint on your finger and run it along wherever you're comfortable starting.// was what she told you. She almost shivered as you began your work, watching you diligently as you slowly traced from her shoulder to her wrist, from her thigh to her ankle. You noticed her breathing grow more ragged as your finger slowly glided just on the surface of her skin. 

You weren't quite sure what to say, though you felt compelled to try to say something romantic in the moment. 

"You have, uh, very nice legs, Hana." 

Hana giggles. "Why thank you, babe." 

'Babe', you learned, was a term of endearment in romantic relationships. Not wanting to seem ungrateful, you decide to continue. "You also have very pretty eyes-- babe." 

"I see I've taken your words tonight, dear. Is something //else// taking your attention?" She tilts her head and leans forward, causing you to freeze up slightly. 

"I-uh, sorry. I do not know why I am so--"

"Nervous." She hangs onto that last 's' for a moment longer. "I think it's cute to see you like this, all flustered." Hana moves her head next to your ear before whispering to you. "Are you ready to be brave, Meri?" 

You swallow hard before nodding. "Y-yes. I am ready." 

Hana takes the tube of paint from you and takes your hand. She places a modest helping of paint in your palm before spreading the paint around with the brush. Hana leans back in the chair. 

"Touch me, Meri." 

You freeze, lost in the cobalt reflection of your hand. "W-where?" 

"Put your hand on my chest. Feel my heartbeat." 

The room goes still, you feel like time has stopped around you. Your heart beats louder and louder, palms sweat, part of you feels like you want to throw up. The [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|Shadow##[[/span]] says something to you, but you hear nothing; you feel as though [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|It##[[/span]] can recognize that as well. You close your eyes, allowing yourself to relax, allowing yourself to focus on the amazing feeling of the kiss and the new ache you felt for connection. It feels as though space expands in contracts around you, a soft light entering your view, and then everything stops. 

You touch something, and you feel the erratic //thump thump thumping// from your outstretched hand. You open your eyes, and in a moment, Hana's body is pressed against yours; you know what to do now. Your hands press against her chest, cup her neck and her arms. [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|Something##[[/span]] coaxes your hands downwards, towards Hana's hips, drawing a giggle from her in the short, staccato moments between your kisses. She follows your lead, breaking away for a moment to kiss your neck. You imagine following suit, wondering [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|how it would feel to run your canines along her jugular##[[/span]]. Her hands travel downwards, finding their way to a particularly sensitive spot just above your tail that causes your body to tense. You let out a noise you're not quite sure you've made before, a mix between a bleat and a whimper, as you find yourself pressing your body into your partner. Hana begins to laugh, and you bury your head in the crook of her neck, planting kisses there in an attempt to salvage the moment. 

"That was cute. I wonder what other noises you can make." 

Your brain short-circuits as Hana keeps up the pace-- [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|guttural panting and primal moans rising to the surface##[[/span]]. You find yourself not so slowly beginning to fall behind, your breath getting more and more labored as her hands and lips continue to work. In a brief pause, a momentary respite from the flurry, your eyes find the mirror, find your eyes returned to their normal, cosmic hue, and find the [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|Shadow##[[/span]] staring back at you. 

[[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|//Take what you deserve. Submit yourself to her. Let your bond become whole.//##[[/span]]

A feeling of dread overtakes you, one that you're unsure was hiding or simply suppressed by the presence of your [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|other##[[/span]]. It feels almost like waking up from intoxication, the moment of clarity that makes you want to curse yourself for everything that happened before. 

//I-I cannot do this anymore. Wait! I need your strength! I am afraid. Plea--//

You feel Hana's hands at your waistline, and you freeze. She pulls back for a moment, just an inch from your face. Her expression is almost pleading, questioning, her eyes waiting for your response. You can see the tension in her shoulders, about to explode, to flee; [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|you wonder if she will replace you with another##[[/span]].

Your legs fold from under you, causing you to crumple into a ball on the floor. You close your eyes, and the world goes dark. 

-----

[[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|//Perhaps this was but a fool's spring. It matters not, time marches ever onwards and you cannot avoid the thaw forever.//##[[/span]]

-----

When you finally open your eyes again, you find Hana sitting cross-legged on the ground next to you, slowly petting your hair. You try not to meet eyes with her, and instead pull yourself into more of a ball. She goes to run her hand along your head one last time, before placing it in her lap. 

"Hey." She says. Her voice is quiet, almost wavering. 

"Hey." You answer back. You're a whirlwind of emotions under a sky of exhaustion. You wish no more than the flora you're laying on to overtake you and bury you to spare you from the embarrassment. 

"I'm sorry for-- I'm sorry for moving so fast. I-I got lost in the moment, and I should have checked to make sure you were alright." She shifts. "God, I'm such a fucking idiot." 

[[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|//This is **your** fault, not hers//##[[/span]]. [[span style="text-shadow: 1px 1px 1px #BC3030;"]]##red|Its##[[/span]] words echo in your mind, but you push them out.

"H-Hana?" 

"Meri?" 

You turn, still hiding your eyes from Hana's, but just enough for her to enter your view. She's thrown her jacket over her, but you can see the red and blue smudges of paint on her skin from your time together tonight. The rest of her appearance bears reminders as well: her tousled hair, her still-elevated breath, a collection of small, bruise-like splotches on her shoulder. Looking up a little further, you see lines of make-up cut by fallen tears. 

//Do not cry for me, my Iris. We still have so much time.// 

"Can you hold me?" 

Hana sniffles, wiping her eyes, and nods. She stares at your legs, at your hips a moment before she lays on her side behind you, cautiously draping her arms over you, pulling you close, but not too close. She gives you a soft kiss on your shoulder, hoping that it would stoke the fading embers of the night, but you're entirely afraid of what continuing would look like. You let the fire die. 

But... it's comforting; the weight, the warmth. As you welcome sleep, you smile, wishing simply that you were brave enough to have this all along.
[[/==]]
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[[module rate]]
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