Link to article: Once Upon a Big Egg Dreary.
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[[>]] [[module Rate]] [[/>]] +++ Written for [[*user LordStoneFish]] as part of an unofficial gift-swap. +++ Parody of "The Raven" by Edgar Allen Poe +++ Based on [[[scp-big-egg-j|Big egg]]] ----- @@ @@Once upon a Big egg dreary, while I masticated weary, Over many a crisp and juicy omelette with a cheesy core— @@ @@While I clammered, nearly clanging, suddenly there came a banging, @@ @@Like a person I'd left hanging, hanging at the chamber door. “’Just some personnel,” I sputtered, “hanging at the chamber door— @@ @@On the wrong containment floor.” @@ @@I remember pretty surely, I was up quite bright and early; Having just assisted someone in MTF Eta-Four. @@ @@So I'd snuck into the kitchen;—seeking something to enrichen @@ @@My breakfast before my switch in—to room two seven one four— For the reading and recording in room two seven one four— @@ @@Which was on a different floor. @@ @@And each oval in the carton did its very best to hearten Me and my hand knitted tartan like I'd never been before; @@ @@So that in this hour witching, I stood at the table, twitching @@ @@“’Just some dumbass D-Class bitching cuz he's on an errant floor— Or a researcher with munchies who is trying to implore;— @@ @@That is what it is, for sure.” @@ @@So I got a little braver; then deciding not to waver, And I filled my mouth with flavor before heading to the door; @@ @@"You there, what's your level clearance? Come on, keep with the adherence, @@ @@Better make your disappearance from this here containment floor, I can hear you, sneaky guy”— I said, as I unlatched the door;— @@ @@Empty hall and nothing more. @@ @@Down the hallway, both directions, I was making quick inspections, Looking for those insurrections that had happened at the peg; @@ @@But the door was held and sturdy, not a peg missing of thirty, @@ @@So I sought the shifty birdie and called past the coffee keg Making fun of lowly D-Class, “Come to me I humbly beg!”— @@ @@But no person stretched a leg. @@ @@So there I retired fuming, to the meal I'd be consuming, Then there came a second booming at the kitchen's sturdy gate; @@ @@“Fucker,” said I, “of a mother, why must there now be another; @@ @@Let me see, then, what this other sound could possibly equate— I'll be right with you, dear omelette, stay there still upon your plate;— @@ @@"No one's there!” I cried, irate. @@ @@So I flung the cabinets open, for some sign of life was hopin', When I spotted in the corner of my eye something irreg; @@ @@No, the light was not projecting this image right there erecting; @@ @@I had happened on a specimen; a small pristine Big egg— Quietly perched on a platter next to my right-sided leg— @@ @@Near the coffee in its keg. @@ @@Then the egg, it started moving to the music, swiftly grooving, And I thought myself behooving as to keep the Big egg safe Lest it fall and crack its shell or on some jagged surface chafe, @@ @@“Ok sure, you're pretty funny but you,” I said, “might be runny, @@ @@And your yolk is precious, honey, since your Bigness is so naif— Tell me of your fowl maker, of your organ guarantor!” @@ @@Quoth the Big egg “Nevermore.” @@ @@I was visibly astounded, surely not the egg had sounded, I was just being unbounded with my cuteness towards the dish; @@ @@The Big egg was quintessential, bursting egg with Big potential @@ @@Not the least bit differential, all an eating man could wish— So I gathered up some spices and set them about the floor, @@ @@Which the Big egg did deplore. @@ @@So it started madly hopping, like a fish so fiercely flopping With no earthly chance of stopping without triggering a war. @@ @@But it still was early morning and I'd have to start adjourning— @@ @@Or my boss would soon be scorning for the duties I ignore— "When will that damn guy retire so I can be level four.” @@ @@Quoth the Big egg “Nevermore.” @@ @@Though my wit was rather glassy I could tell the egg was sassy, “Okay,” said I, “this here lassy better learn some manners more @@ @@With an egg as Big as this one, I'd be wrong to say it is one @@ @@Likely now to make admission of the Bigness at its core— Though its Egginess revealing, I find eggs to be appealing @@ @@And its Bigness I adore’.” @@ @@But the Big egg was so big and was becoming like a brigand To me, snatch'd up my wig and tossed it gruffly on the floor; @@ @@However, not to sound perverse, I see that it could have been worse @@ @@My wig was simply borne of verse, it was poetic metaphor— To show my utter consternation at the Big egg's short vocation @@ @@Of the pithy “Nevermore.” @@ @@I tried simply ascertaining that which needed more explaining Was the Big egg's meaning feigning, was it seeking something more? @@ @@All of this I sat discerning without once my noggin turning @@ @@Till I thought a thought concerning, where the Big egg would explore; Glances left and right confirming it was not here anymore; @@ @@Giving me another chore. @@ @@Over counters, under tables, past the baskets full of labels Tangled up in oven cables, it was nowhere to be found @@ @@“Egg,” I cried, “Oh egg of Big—under every plate I'll dig @@ @@Until—Until I up your jig and toast you evenly till browned"; A crash, a crack, way in the back, and with a wack, I caught the round @@ @@It didn't even make a sound. @@ @@“Ovum!” said I, “membrane dweller!"—stood I, grabbing the de-sheller— "I will take you to the cellar and store you among the wine!, @@ @@You may be Big but I am long, you may be egg but I am strong— @@ @@And so my life I will prolong by serving you in pickle brine—" And then the worst thing I have ever witnessed started to arise @@ @@The egg was Biggening in size. @@ @@The egg had begun to increase its Bigness whole, not piece by piece I knew that I would soon decease if I could not impede its motion— @@ @@And yet, then and there it stopped, my jaw and testicles both dropped, @@ @@The thing the egg was Bigging swapped, it now was Biggening its notion— Making everything about it simply egg and only Big. @@ @@Big egg Big egg Big egg Big @@ @@Big egg Bigg’d, Big and eggly—egg and Big and egging Begly Begged the egg “Egg Beg my Geg” he Bigly egged it on some more @@ @@“I cannot take the egg!” I shouted, “nor incessant Big” I spouted @@ @@Scampring all around I scouted for some thing to ease my sore Till I found a cap of mnestics left forgotten on the floor. @@ @@Quoth me in the moment “Score!” @@ @@Popped a pill and then I waited, with a breath completely bated And my headache was elated when there was no egg in store @@ @@All its Bigness was inverted, nothing was remotely hurted @@ @@Just me and a man, no-shirted, who was running out the door; And I laid alone recalling, joyous to the point of balling @@ @@The big egg was nevermore. @@ @@ [[include :scp-wiki:component:license-box]] [!-- N/A (No Images) --] [[include :scp-wiki:component:license-box-end]]