Rain on the Coast

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|text=These past few days have the meteorologists completely stumped about what's happening on the Oregon coast.]]

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**Author:** [[*user AstralNavigator]]
For Justin and Lulu.
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One can't really expect the level of emptiness and silence that comes when someone exits your life. All the little sounds that served as proof of you -- that you were here, that you were //with// me -- are all gone now. When you were here, I would get home from work and as soon as the door closed, I'd hear the jingle of your dog's collar as she came running down the hall to greet me. From the bedroom you'd egg her on, saying "Go on, get him!" 

I'd give her the requisite attention, head pats and scritches, before taking off my backpack and jacket and placing them upon the kitchen barstool we used in place of a coat rack. I'd head into the bedroom, little dog close behind, and hop into our bed next to you and talk about our day while I snuggled the tiny pup. 

The first night after you left, I got home from work and as soon as the door closed -- silence. No jingle of a little collar, no egging on from down the hall. The silence broke me. I'd dropped my backpack on the ground and just sat on the floor as uncontrollable tears ran down my face. Ugly, broken sobs came out of me. Unbidden. Irresistible. Terrifying. The thunder outside was loud and close, gales of wind shaking lose all that wasn't secured.

-----

It's been a few weeks since then. Today I am at the gym. I find myself going more and staying later ever since you left. It's noisy and crowded most of the time, and I think that's why I'd rather be there than at home. I am walking on the treadmill to finish up the session and looking out the windows at the thick fog so common to the Oregon coast. I think of how happy you'd been with the move here. It hurt to know this dream of a life in a better place we shared was shattered now, a year and a half later. 

Gentle rain began to //plunk// against the windows as I sat with those memories. I can let the sad moments like this sink in, allow myself to just feel and accept them. There's still pain with them, but I no longer fear it. It is a cresting wave in me, and all I can do is let that wave carry me along with the knowledge that the wave will eventually crash against the shore. 

God, you had loved the shore. You loved to go tide-pooling in the morning, and I'd grumble about being up so early. I can remember your face lighting up and making a silly expression as you pointed out yet another starfish. On our third date years ago, you and I had held each other while we sat on a rock jutting out into a stream and you had told me how the water always called to you. Though tears now sting my eyes, I feel a smile tug at my cheek as I remember. Through the window, the showers continue unabated, but rays of sunlight beam through the fog for the first time in a while. 

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One day I will come home and open the door and only feel the relief of return and nothing else. I'll get my dinner ready and smile in anticipation. I'll be making a recipe he taught me, black beans and corn and cheese with all his favorite seasonings. And I will feel gratitude for the night he came up with the dish. 

One day, I will walk along the shoreline and go tide-pooling. I'll take pictures of the starfish and anemones, and gasp when I spot a heron wandering near the water's edge. I'll excitedly snap a photo and think of how you'd have loved this and I won't feel like I'm being stabbed. I'll see a couple walking their dog there and be so happy for the time I had with that tiny mutt of yours. 

One day, hopefully soon, I can look at the photo booth printouts of both of us again. I'll see our smiles above the aquarium logo. And I'll say, honestly, "I'm better for having loved you when I did. Thank you." 

And the sun will shine without a cloud in the sky.

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Rain on the Coast

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