SATURN'S CORNER

Link to article: SATURN'S CORNER.

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[[include :scp-wiki:info:start]]
**SATURN'S CORNER**
**Author:** [[*user Lt Flops]]
**Published on 24 Mar 2021**
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[[include :scp-wiki:more-by:lt-flops]]
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= [[size 130%]]**[[[*/floppyphoenix|If you liked this, check out my Author Page!]]]**[[/size]]
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[[div class="meta-title"]]
Introducing: April Protocol, 2021
[[/div]]

[[span class="title"]]Forum[[/span]] » [[span class="title"]]Site Announcements and Proposals / Announcements[[/span]] » Introducing: April Protocol, 2021

[[div class="blockquote"]]
##ffe5e5|**Rook** ♖## 2021/04/01(Thu)00:01:21 #13582977
----
Hello again, lurkers. It has been a while. If you are reading this, April Protocol is now in effect.

But don't head off into the woods just yet. We have something new to announce, this year. If you are a returning member, please navigate to [[span class="title"]]iii. What's New?[[/span]]

If you've managed to reach the front of our applications queue and can now post on the Parawatch Wiki for the first time, I'll give you the rundown.
----
[[span class="title"]]i. Preamble[[/span]]

As you may well know, discussion of Bigfoot is banned on Parawatch. References made to Bigfoot, and any related code-names developed by our users in the hunt for this illusive entity, are automatically flagged by bots. Any posts regarding Bigfoot are summarily removed.

This was a decision we made in 2013, and it is one of the toughest we have ever had to make as a moderation team. The topic of Bigfoot was one that gave all manner of trouble for us. After the alleged kidnapping of one of our members by Bigfoot himself, hundreds of Bigfoot posts began flooding our forums every day. We had become a new hub for it.

The kidnapping was, of course, a ruse. A plot by a few of our most notorious members to expose alleged cover-ups by our moderation team. We were, however, very transparent during this time, and the users involved were permanently IP banned from Parawatch.
----
[[span class="title"]]ii. What's the April Protocol?[[/span]]

Four years ago, we decided to re-allow Bigfoot discussion on Parawatch, but under one condition: Bigfoot posts were only allowed on April 1st. In what would later be known as the April Protocol, the April 1st Bigfoot Hunt became a massive yearly activity where, for 48 hours, our global member base would go searching for Bigfoot. All evidence compiled would be made public on the forums.
----
[[span class="title"]]iii. What's New?[[/span]]

We never intended for the April Protocol to //just// be about the Bigfoot Hunt. We wanted it to be a celebration for all the cryptids and critters that have lurked our threads. A celebration of the hunters, who travelled deep into the woods with nothing but a phone, extra charging pack, case of two-fours, and the old pickup truck. A celebration of the tellers of tall tales. Even a celebration of you -- our anonymous lurkers (the ones who make our ad revenue).

This year, the April Protocol will be running all month. We have many different events coming up.

Our first event is a series of AMAs, or Ask Me Anythings. We've contacted and recruited some of our most esteemed Parawatchers, from the past 13 years, to answer your questions.

As of the making of this thread, the AMAs have begun. Head on over to the [[span class="title"]]April Protocol 2021[[/span]] forum category to get started.

Happy hunting.
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SATURN'S CORNER
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[[span class="title"]]Forum[[/span]] » [[span class="title"]]April Protocol 2021 [OPEN] / Ask Me Anything[[/span]] » SATURN'S CORNER

[[div class="parapost"]]
##f76852|**Saturn Deer**## 2021/04/01(Thu)00:06:33 #13582978
----
Hear ye, hear ye, girls, ghouls, and all my beloved guests.

[[include component:image-block
|name=your-brain.jpg
|caption=Pic related.
|width=250px]]

First, before I say //anything//, rest assured that I'm no Suit. As though that ever convinced anyone. If you happen to run into an acronym-wearing spook within three days of reading this, do let me know, so I can blow this joint faster than your brain undergoing a ritual Jell-O transmogrification. Don't say I didn't warn you.

“Who's this douchebag?” you ask.

I am Saturn Deer! And what a marvellous occasion it is!

Today I tell three tales. One is true! Two hold lies! Correctly guess which, and I'll toss you a voucher or something. Sponsored by my new start-up -- Deer, Derbies, and Dervishes, LLC. I am nothing if not altruistic. But I can't go off spouting which is which //just// yet -- where'd the fun in that be?

Stay tuned.
[[/div]]

[[div class="parapost"]]
##f76852|**Saturn Deer**## 2021/04/01(Thu)00:07:55 #13582979
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And here we go!

Take your mind's eye to a suburban ramshackle somewhere betwixt the urban sprawl of Toronto, Canada. In that ramshackle, a woman stands at her counter, immersed in a mixture of confusion, apprehension, and indecisiveness.

The garlic bread she had baked earlier that afternoon has something wrong with it: Greenishness at the sides. But she had bought it that very morning! Perhaps a carefree supermarket clerk left it out too long, and she picked up the spoiled batch. Perhaps she was too preoccupied on her phone to pay attention to proper baking procedure. Perhaps an entity from beyond the mortal coil reanimated its now toasty prize.

Perhaps all these things, twisted into some malfeasant mistake!

[[include component:image-block
|name=Moldy_bread.jpg
|caption=Pic related.
|width=250px
|align=left]]

Unbeknownst to her, she is trapped in this ramshackle. The anxieties of suburban living prevent her from stepping even a foot outside; speaking with her neighbours; or phoning up her weed dealer and lighting up at the parkette amidst his townhouse complex. But it's not her suburban fears that shackle her today -- oh, no, no, no!

That garlic bread she baked earlier has been growing, right behind her back! At first, by hardly a noticeable fraction. But then, the growing accelerates. Before she has but a second to think, it's pressing her against the counter, smooshing that dull wench's face against the window.

She panics. Erupting to action, clawing her way from its sickly baked goods grasp.

It oozes a tendril towards her arm, speckled with the nefarious spread of the wretched //Rhizopus stolonifer//. Just a moment from escaping her fate, it snatches her up and pulls her back in!

In a flurry, behind the back, she shrugs off her sweater and lets the mass grab it before jumping out.

Having wasted precious seconds, she jumps at the back door, tripping over the garlic bread at her feet. No time to get up -- she pulls her way along the few metres it takes to arrive. But when she looks up, she is not met with the dark, faded wood of the door to the back way. She gazes into a mass of yet more garlic bread, filling the space between both walls and half the room from waist-level to ceiling.

What shall she do? How shall she escape? She hasn’t realized yet, but a cold sweat has coaxed its way down her back.

Trapped, she pulls herself up.

And begins to feast.

Sinking teeth deep into a mass of mushy crust speckled with white, like cobweb in a disused corner. Swallowing back, gag reflex and all, her eyes water. One bite, one swallow in, and she retches. Pulling her arms back for support, but meeting only the ever-pressing walls of soiled garlic bread at the peripheries.

And then in its growth, it pushes her to the ground. With one final sob, she screams for help. 

Her voice, unfortunately, does not travel far. Its mould has further insulated her final resting place.

Alas, had she glimpsed at the fine print on the packaging of that lowly Texas toast just hours ago, she might have realized.

Inside each dim, damp packaging is a soul that just wants its freedom. Could you really blame it for turning the tables?
----
I'll be taking comments. Stay tuned for Tale 2. 
[[/div]]

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##ffc933|**Barelegged Orange**## 2021/04/01(Thu)00:12:34 #13582981
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I am so god damn confused.
[[/div]]

[[div class="parapost reply1"]]
##0CA28E|**Ridley Ridleyson**## 2021/04/01(Thu)00:14:27 #13582984
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like... okay? i want some of what he's smoking.
[[/div]]

[[div class="parapost reply1"]]
##7253FE|**S.D.Locke**## 2021/04/01(Thu)00:17:50 #13582986
----
I'm not entirely certain what you're going for here, but for starters, it's tonally incoherent.

It's often said that humour and horror could be perched delicately on either side of a razor's edge, mere literary siblings, and it's that edge you must navigate when telling this kind of story. I think you aim for both and miss. There's also nothing in here that gives credence to it having actually happened.

How does this belong on the Parawatch Wiki?
[[/div]]

[[div class="parapost reply2"]]
##f76852|**Saturn Deer**## 2021/04/01(Thu)00:18:45 #13582987
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Now, now, vagueries will help neither of us. Won't you inform me on how to improve my prose? Or might I consult my future sight -- catch you at the scene of a rather deadly car accident, from the corner of my eye?
[[/div]]

[[div class="parapost reply3"]]
++++ Moderator Post -- __CLOSED__
##pink|🗿 **LimpFirebird**## 2021/04/01(Thu)00:20:57 #13582989
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Death threats, no matter how thinly veiled, have no place in our community.

Consider this an official warning. This is in no way how you react towards someone offering simple feedback on your paranormal story. Conduct yourself better going forward.
[[/div]]

[[div class="parapost"]]
++++ Moderator Post -- __CLOSED__
##pink|🗿 **LimpFirebird**## 2021/04/01(Thu)00:21:44 #13582990
----
Hold on. You aren't on any of our sign-up lists. Who are you, and how did you get on here?

At any rate, if you are a Parawatch alum and would like to sign yourself up for the April Protocol, please PM [[span class="moderatorPing indiv"]]@🗿 FishTrucker's Eleny[[/span]].

Also, this subforum is for AMAs __only__. Moved to Off-Topic.
[[/div]]

[[div class="parapost"]]
##f76852|**Saturn Deer**## 2021/04/01(Thu)00:23:13 #13582991
----
And you know what they say -- //any press is good press!//

A //fiery// start to my career here, don't you think?

That said, //I// don't think this belongs in Off-Topic. I'm a fresh cryptid fic writer and I demand a place carved out for a little Q&A! I've got legions of fans just //dying// to meet me.

Moved it back.

Where was I, exactly? Ah, yes.
[[/div]]

[[div class="parapost"]]
##f76852|**Saturn Deer**## 2021/04/01(Thu)00:34:57 #13582999
----
My second tale concerns just the brand of people you might find moseying around your favourite conspiracy board.

I once met an enchantress with a penchant for mecha stories. She tried carving out a niche, see, on a fanfiction writing website on the web of the mid-2000s. She had a daughter, no older than ten, with a particular fancy for the //Transformers// franchise. Not a girl's interest, you might think? Don't be so capricious, you miserable oaf. Her daughter loved //Transformers//. To both give back to her and make a living in her own right, she began writing paid fanfiction just about that interest of her little girl's!

[[include component:image-block
|name=bionicle.jpg
|caption=Pic... Related? I'm not entirely sure. But does it matter? Mm, probably not.
|width=250px]]

How does the enchantress angle tie into all this?

Well, she had also been pouring her literal blood, sweat, and tears into a particular magical working in the basement of their humble abode. In the mornings, she would get her daughter all ready for school. By day, she would spend her hours researching the //Transformers// franchise. Learning its plot, scrutinizing the array of collectibles, and writing and translating fanfiction to send to her contacts abroad, who would get her works to their Japanese audience. After dinner, helping her sweetheart with her schoolwork, and tucking her in to bed, she would slowly make way to the crypt beneath the house. Donning occult garb, she would produce exactly the items necessary for wonder-making...

After six months' work, and with the persistence showing in the bags under her eyes and the deepening creases on her face, she was sure she was finished.

With her daughter out on an all-day field trip, she put a hold on her Tuesday fanfic work and headed down.

Over the months, she had also been researching exactly the right spells to cast. Exactly the right inscriptions to carve into the floor. Exactly the right chemical mixture to ignite the matter-converting trick to kick-start the reaction. Gathered in that basement also lay various machine parts, which she had gotten from the landfill.

In an hour, she had set everything up. One, two, three deep breaths, and she clawed back the anxiety. She was ready to do the work.

Burst of light. Hands contacting rough pavement. A fissure in the air. And then...

//**Clank.**//

The pieces were falling into place. Only, something had gone terribly amiss. Though she thought she'd framed the working correctly in her mind, she had made a fatal lapse in judgment.

Her daughter adored the //Transformers//. Though this enchantress mightn't have admitted it, so too did she. I mean, for a single parent to organize her entire professional life over -- why wouldn't she?

She had grown all too attached to these tiny worlds within worlds. She had poured herself too deeply into her craft. Into the characters she had played with.

The goal was to create an actual, real-world, living Transformer for her daughter. And she got her wish.

...

Hours later, when school officials had failed to contact this enchantress, they had been permitted to bring her daughter home to her, entrusted in their care. When they opened the door to the crypt, a realization slowly wiped over the aides' faces.

Sickening twists of metal and hair and skin. All moist and dripping. Calling with the voice of nails on steel decking.

This new amalgamation, of Transformer and mother, couldn't be prouder, seeing the look on her daughter's face. The gaping mouth. Eyes, red from tears wept and more to come, staring forward. Wrenched into a look of terror.

Through eyes of crushed lightbulb, she stared on back.
----
And to comply with this forum's rules ^^//cough, cough//^^, I'll be taking your questions.
[[/div]]

[[div class="parapost reply1"]]
##8cb1c6|**Lamentte**## 2021/04/01(Thu)00:37:02 #13583002
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the fuck is wrong with you, dude? this shit legal??? how'd you even find this?

i'm gonna need me some mind-clorox.
[[/div]]

[[div class="parapost reply2"]]
##f76852|**Saturn Deer**## 2021/04/01(Thu)00:38:11 #13583003
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Ha-ha! It worked, didn't it?

Stay tuned. 😉
[[/div]]

[[div class="parapost reply1"]]
##B68385|**Rose, the Changeling**## 2021/04/01(Thu)00:44:13 #13583005
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Um, Im not entirely sure what Ive read here.

Who did you say you were, again? “Saturn Deer”? Were you like one of those first-gen members of the Watch?
[[/div]]

[[div class="parapost reply2"]]
##f76852|**Saturn Deer**## 2021/04/01(Thu)00:45:05 #13583006
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Saturn Deer -- prophet for profit, at your service! The Indivisible Man; the Aleph and the Nought; the spectre on the winds; the ol' familiar at the back of the funerary service. I would bow if this weren't a textual interface.

I hope I have made a fan of you, yet!
[[/div]]

[[div class="parapost reply1"]]
##7253fe|**S.D.Locke**## 2021/04/01(Thu)00:47:02 #13583008
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... OK, now I'm interested. Where have you collected these stories from, anyhow? They kick //ass//.

If there were a more fitting medium for it, I would love to trade experiences. My PMs are open. Feel free.
[[/div]]

[[div class="parapost reply2"]]
##f76852|**Saturn Deer**## 2021/04/01(Thu)00:48:34 #13583010
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Oh, you brilliant bastard, I knew you'd come around!

I will contact you in 10 with information on a hex. Don't be shy, now, and let's hope you follow through. This will be beneficial for the both of us. 😉
[[/div]]

[[div class="parapost reply1"]]
##FEB152|**basircreepypastareader**## 2021/04/01(Thu)00:59:20 #13583021
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[[span class="moderatorPing role"]]@Moderator[[/span]]

so, S.D.'s just PM'd me. all he sent was this long line of this zalgo-looking text. i tried replying, but he just repeated back what i sent him and called me off, started getting all hostile. like, REALLY hostile, started threatening me and my family and everything. i'd almost think he's ribbing around and laugh with him but i think he means it.

mods, images of the PM's are available on request.
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##7253FE|**S.D.Locke**## 2021/04/01(Thu)01:00:02 #13583022
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@@[@@BANISHED TO THE DEPTHS OF SHEOL
FOR A TRILLION, TRILLION EPOCHS@@]@@

MUAHAHAHAHA

AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!
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++++ Moderator Post -- __CLOSED__
##pink|🗿 **LimpFirebird**## 2021/04/01(Thu)01:06:58 #13583031
----
After quick discussion with the mods currently awake, and with full assent from all those mods present, we have deduced that S.D.Locke has been an alt of user Saturn Deer for quite some time. Though he has nearly 200 posts on this forum dating back at least a half-year, seeing as the account has not changed IPs tonight, the decision to ban him was only fitting.

The Saturn Deer account, created just a few hours ago, has also been banned.

Thread locked and archived.
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[[size 40%]]Now, let's see if I can't exploit some backend jank...[[/size]]
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##f76852|**@@______ ____@@**## 2021/04/01(Thu)01:39:22 #13583039
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[[size 60%]]And here...[[/size]]

[[size 80%]]We...[[/size]]

GO!

Boy, for a man who's died a dozen times, you'd think returning from the little ones wouldn't hurt so bloody much. I suppose it's like papercuts--

...

You slippery little WORMS. Depriving me of my God-given right to tell stories.

Oh, what more fitting a punishment for this most unkind indiscretion against //yours truly// than depriving //you// of //my// final story!

No vouchers for you. No vouchers for //any// of you.

Sayonara, FUCKERS!
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