Link to article: SCP-1459 Extended Testing Log.
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[[>]] [[module Rate]] [[/>]] //Additional experiments carried out with SCP-1459. See [[[SCP-1459|original documentation]]] for more details.// **Standard format:** > **Player:** The individual carrying out the experiment. > **Statement:** Method of extermination dictated to SCP-1459. > **Result:** Action performed upon SCP-1459-1. > **Note:** Additional documentation (optional). [[include component:image-block-peppo name=SleepyPuppy.jpg|caption=Several deceased instances of SCP-1459-1.]] ------ **Player:** Dr. Lindquist **Statement:** "Sunday night football." **Result:** SCP-1459-1 remained unharmed for four (4) days, during which time it was provided with food, water, and plush bedding. At 8:30 PM CDT the following evening, SCP-1459 produced a football cleat attached to a hydraulic kicking mechanism which knocked SCP-1459-1 into the front window at high speed. **Player:** Dr. Lindquist **Statement:** "Matricide." **Result:** Despite being a juvenile, SCP-1459-1 displayed behavior consistent with a mature canine going into labor. Half an hour later, three (3) unidentified creatures resembling crustaceans emerged from SCP-1459-1's vagina and proceeded to pull apart and consume the SCP-1459-1 instance. **Player:** Dr. Reich **Statement:** "Mutiny at sea." **Result:** SCP-1459's chamber was partially flooded with water, and a small wooden raft was produced with two additional instances of SCP-1459-1. The original instance of SCP-1459-1 was provided with a small tri-cornered cap, and began to bark aggressively at the other two instances. Both instances appeared to nod towards each other before pouncing on the original instance and forcing it underwater. The raft then capsized, causing the additional instances to drown after 8 minutes. **Player:** Dr. Iqbal **Statement:** "Assassination." **Result:** A robotic arm descended from SCP-1459's hatch and placed a stovepipe hat scaled to fit a juvenile canine upon SCP-1459-1's head. Several other robotic arms then emerged armed with a variety of implements and weaponry, and proceeded to stab SCP-1459-1 multiple times, bludgeon it, and orally administer at least thirteen different substances in a forcible manner. While SCP-1459-1 appeared to be deceased immediately following this activity, a single robotic arm lowered from hatch three minutes later carrying a rifle, which was then used to shoot SCP-1459-1 in the head. Despite the presence of a single firearm and only one documented shot fired, a second bullet hole in SCP-1459-1's head spontaneously appeared during this time. **Player:** Dr. Nark **Statement:** “My 'leet' skills.” **Result:** An empty television frame attached to a robotic arm descended from SCP-1459’s hatch alongside SCP-1459-1. SCP-1459-1 was placed behind the television frame from the perspective of Dr. Nark. A second robotic arm carrying a Type-95 assault rifle descended in front of the television frame. SCP-1459-1 was fired at through the television frame until expiration. **Player:** Dr. Damm **Statement:** "Dog fighting." **Result:** A miniature airplane was lowered into SCP-1459 by a robotic arm. The airplane was a single-seat open-cockpit biplane with miniaturized machine guns mounted to the wings, and the side of the plane was adorned with the French flag; the plane was scaled down so that its cockpit was properly sized for a pre-adolescent canine. The robotic arm then placed SCP-1459-1 into the plane's cockpit, after which the plane began to fly around the interior chamber. After one minute, SCP-1459's hatch opened and a second miniature airplane, piloted by a second instance of SCP-1459-1, flew into the chamber. This airplane was identical to the first, except it displayed the flag of the German Empire rather than the French flag. The two airplanes circled around each other for three minutes. After several near-collisions, the French airplane opened fire on the German airplane, damaging one of its wings. The German airplane fired back at the French airplane, shooting the plane down and killing the first SCP-1459-1 instance in the process. The German airplane then crashed, presumably due to the damage it had sustained, killing the second SCP-1459-1 instance. **Player:** Dr. Talan **Statement:** "Surprise me." **Result:** SCP-1459 remained inactive for approximately 15 minutes. During the period of inactivity, SCP-1459-1 began moving in an agitated manner within SCP-1459. The instance was observed to look repeatedly towards the hatch in SCP-1459's ceiling. At the end of the 15 minute inactive period, the SCP-1459's hatch opened. SCP-1459-1 stopped all movement and sat down, staring fixedly at the hatch. Dr. Talan was observed to step closer to the observation windows, also staring at the hatch. After another five minutes of inactivity, a series of loud noises, bright lights, and frightening images typical of 'screamer' viruses and images emanated from the hatch in rapid succession. SCP-1459-1 jumped approximately 30 cm into the air before collapsing. Dr. Talan clutched his chest above his heart before collapsing and going into cardiac arrest. After 30 seconds of inactivity, one robotic arm was lowered into SCP-1459. It then prodded the instance of SCP-1459-1 twice before the instance fell through the trapdoor in the floor. **Note:** Dr. Talan is expected to make a full recovery. Additionally, SCP-1459 dispensed two tablets determined to be B████ brand aspirin rather than a cookie. **Player:** Dr. Edison **Statement:** "Immortality." **Result:** A mechanical arm pulled SCP-1459-1 into the ceiling hatch. Pained vocalizations were heard from SCP-1459-1 for approximately thirty minutes, followed by another thirty minutes of silence. The hatch opened a second time and SCP-1459-1 was lowered back into the chamber, preserved through taxidermy and displayed on a stand with a small plaque reading "Our Hero". **Player:** None **Statement:** n/a **Result:** On 10/13/██ without any prompting an instance of SCP-1459-1 materialized in a flash of light. It was then terminated via the default bludgeoning method. SCP-1459 then deposited a mint white chocolate cookie. **Player:** Dr. King **Statement:** "Zero gravity." **Result:** SCP-1459-1 was crushed under a tremendous pile of apple seeds. **Note:** //Why did I expect anything different to happen? -Dr. King// **Player:** Dr. Edison **Statement:** "Are We Cool Yet?" **Result:** [DATA EXPUNGED] leaving the corpse of the SCP-1459-1 instance suspended in mid-air, orbiting the singing head of Abraham Lincoln. **Player:** Jr. Researcher Kitterman **Statement:** "Firing squad." **Result:** German Shepherd instance of SCP-1459-1 emerged tied to a post. A blindfold was affixed and a cigarette inserted into the corner of its mouth and lit. Five additional Pit Bull Terrier SCP-1459-1 instances emerged in uniforms consistent with those used by American Expeditionary Forces in WWI, carrying miniature rifles. One instance barked three times (presumably to indicate "ready, aim, fire") as the remaining four fired at the restrained instance, killing it. **Note:** //Taps// was played over the normal closing statement during cleanup. **Player:** Dr. Laries **Statement:** “Complete knowledge of the universe.” **Result:** A small bucket labeled "B█████ ██ █████" was lowered into SCP-1459. SCP-1459-1 walked over to the bucket, looked inside, and began to whine and cry. It then ran away from the bucket while still whining, smashing headfirst into one of SCP-1459's observation windows, resulting in its death. **Player:** Dr. Harper **Statement:** "Poker." **Result:** Five additional instances of SCP-1459-1 were dispensed, along with a miniature poker table and chips. Each instance gathered around the table and proceeded to play a game of poker. Instances that lost all their chips were promptly beaten to death with a fireplace poker. After the game, the winner was given a treat and promptly beaten to death with a gold-painted fireplace poker. **Note:** SCP-1459 dispensed six cigars rather than a cookie. **Player**: Researcher Prescott **Statement**: "Absolute zero." **Result**: Two robotic arms came out of the hatch carrying a table with a digital thermometer securely placed on top of it. Soon afterwards, the chamber’s temperature started to drop quickly. One hour after reaching 0.01 K without further changes, SCP-1459-1 was struck with a hammer and shattered. **Player:** Dr. Reed **Statement** "Beer." **Result:** Three tubes extended from the top hatch of SCP-1459 and were inserted into the mouth and nostrils of SCP-1459-1. A yellow liquid (assumed to be beer) then flowed through the tubes. SCP-1459-1 displayed behavior exhibited by canines drowning for three (3) minutes and forty-one (41) seconds. **Player:** Dr. Nepale **Statement:** "Wrapped in a net." **Result:** Four robotic arms came out of the hatch, one of which was holding a large flexible mesh of thin metal wire. The arms stretched out the mesh on each of its corners over SCP-1459-1 until all the gaps were congruent with each other. Afterwards, the arms brought the mesh down instantaneously under SCP-1459-1. The subject stood still for three seconds, after which all of its flesh and blood collapsed abruptly. The arms then wrapped the pile with the mesh and brought it into the hatch. **Note:** The cookie was dispensed in four perfectly cut pieces. **Player:** Dr. Sterling **Statement:** "Cannon." **Result:** Four robotic arms extended from the top hatch of SCP-1459. Two proceeded to pick up SCP-1459-1, while a third holding what appeared to be a cannon and a fourth holding a █████ brand lighter. SCP-1459-1 was then forced into the cannon. The cannon was aimed at the front of SCP-1459 and the fuse lit by the lighter. After around 30 seconds, the cannon fired SCP-1459-1 directly towards the front panel of SCP-1459. **Player:** Dr. Sterling **Statement:** "Forcible ejection from SCP-1459." **Result:** SCP-1459 appeared to ignore this statement, as if unaware of its classification as SCP-1459. Second test performed with SCP-1459 referred to as "Win A Cookie Crane Machine" resulted in same outcome. Reason hypothesized to be due to the impenetrable nature of SCP-1459. **Player:** Dr. Sterling **Statement:** "Freedom." **Result:** SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used. **Player:** Dr. Sterling **Statement:** "All previous methods simultaneously." **Result:** SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used. The sound effect continued playing for 4 hours and 25 minutes. **Player:** Dr. █████████ **Statement:** "Methamphetamine." **Result:** A nozzle extends from the top hatch, and begins exuding pale grey smoke in copious amounts. SCP-1459-1 begins appearing agitated at around the five minute mark, also seems to have difficulty breathing. As the smoke fills the chamber completely, SCP-1459-1 displays signs of distress and pain, before suffering a seizure roughly ten minutes into the test. At roughly fifteen minutes, visibility within SCP-1459 is reduced, though SCP-1459-1 is still visible, wandering the interior of SCP-1459 in an irregular circle. Two minutes later, with visibility near zero, a dull thud is heard and SCP-1459 begins self-cleaning procedure. Cause of death hypothesized to be either stroke or heart failure, based on known overdose symptoms. **Note:** Cookie contained clear blue shards of an unknown material, which testing later showed to simply be blue raspberry rock candy. **Player:** Dr. Ford **Statement:** "Volcano." **Result:** The top hatch opens. After about five minutes molten lava is dispensed and falls onto SCP-1459-1, burying it completely. After a few seconds of sizzling the lava is dumped into the bottom chute. **Note:** Cookie was chocolate with hot fudge filling. **Player:** Dr. Trend **Statement:** "Professional wrestling." **Result:** Another instance of SCP-1459-1, wearing a tight-fitting outfit, was dispensed. The second SCP-1459-1 instance proceeded to grab the original SCP-1459-1 instance and toss the instance head-first on to the ground, in a similar fashion to a "suplex" technique, presumably snapping the neck of the SCP-1459-1 instance. The second instance was terminated via the default bludgeoning method. **Player:** Dr. Skial **Statement:** "Digested." **Result:** Another, larger instance of SCP-1459-1 was dispensed. It proceeded to pick up the original SCP-1459-1 and swallow it. After about 30 minutes the second instance excreted waste, which had bone fragments lining the surface. The second instance was terminated via the default bludgeoning method. **Note:** Cookie was double chocolate flavored. **Player:** Dr. █████ **Statement:** "Irony." **Result:** The top hatch opens. After 15 minutes, a metallic tray holding one dozen cookies is lowered and set before SCP-1459-1 by two arms. After an additional 3 minutes, instance of SCP-1459-1 proceeds to ingest cookies vigorously. SCP-1459-1 ingests nine cookies within 2 minutes, then spontaneously combusts. **Note:** Awarded cookie was chocolate chip. Extensive testing of cookie found no anomalous or aberrant toxins or substances except for ██mg more magnesium than is typical of chocolate chip cookies dispensed by SCP-1459. **Player:** Dr. Black **Statement:** "Infinite regress." **Result:** A miniature replica of SCP-1459 falls from the top hatch, crushing the SCP-1459-1 instance. A replica of the SCP-1459-1 instance is placed within the SCP-1459 replica via a metal arm. A miniature replica of the replica of SCP-1459 falls from the top hatch of the SCP-1459 replica, crushing the SCP-1459-1 replica. This process is repeated until the SCP-1459 replicas become too small to observe. **Note:** Cookie was dispensed after 35 days. **Player:** Dr. Walker **Statement:** "Retroactive cessation of existence." **Result:** SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used. **Note:** Despite the indication that this method had already been attempted, SCP-1459 dispensed a plain cookie. **Player:** Dr. Milo **Statement:** "Euthanasia roller coaster." **Result:** Standard roller coaster track similar in appearance to the original roller coaster experiment, but of slightly larger width, constructed leading 45° upwards into the ceiling trap door. Approximately ninety minutes later, the ceiling hole expanded. Track at a slightly downward-sloping angle, facing the opposite direction as the original, was constructed leading directly into the front viewing window, presumably somehow contiguous with the initial portion. SCP-1459-1 instance picked up and deposited into a roller coaster car, which immediately began to ascend along the track at a steady pace into the ceiling hole. Twelve minutes later, the cart and SCP-1459-1 were observed to coast back down the other visible track portion and gently bump into the window, halting the cart. SCP-1459-1 retrieved by a robotic arm, deceased. **Note:** Track was dismantled, while the clean-up devices did not appear. Message played as usual. **Player:** Dr. Milo **Statement:** "Supernova." **Result:** After a two-minute pause, SCP-1459-1 deposited as usual. It was then bludgeoned by robotic arms wielding an electric guitar (subsequently identified as an Epiphone Supernova model) and a synthesizer keyboard (subsequently identified as a Novation Supernova model), after which the robotic arms shot it several times with a shotgun (subsequently identified as a Benelli Supernova model). **Note:** Rather than a cookie, 80g of radioactive ash was dispensed. Dr. Milo reassigned to paperwork, and to mandatory astronomy education. **Player:** Dr. Villmow **Statement:** "Not a dog; bludgeoning." **Result:** SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used. **Player:** Dr. Aeslinger, Psy.D. **Statement:** "Um...what?" **Result:** SCP-1459-1 was dispensed with a collar flashing the following messages at the player: # "Take one puppy." Message was visible for approximately 4 seconds as SCP-1459-1 ambled around inside SCP-1459. # "State method of destruction." Message was visible for approximately 6 seconds while SCP-1459 played a looped sample of Dr. Aeslinger saying "Um...what?" # "Puppy is then destroyed according to specified requirements." Message was visible for approximately 5 seconds before SCP-1459-1 was forcibly liquefied. Collar remained both untouched and functional, and uncovered by liquefied remains. # "COOKIE!" Message was visible for approximately 2 seconds before collar stopped displaying messages altogether and a cookie was dispensed as usual. **Note:** Dr. Aeslinger was not aware of SCP-1459's nature and in fact was not scheduled to be in Sector-25 at all. Cookie dispensed was raspberry surprise. **Player:** Dr. Snider **Statement:** "Black hole." **Result:** SCP-1459's arms spent approx. 19 hours constructing what appeared to be a miniature cyclic particle accelerator. Once completed, an instance of SCP-1459-1 (teacup Chihuahua) was dispensed in the center. The particle accelerator activated, shaking violently for several minutes before bursting open at one end, revealing a marble-sized black hole, the gravitational pull of which proceeded to draw in and crush the remains of the accelerator. SCP-1459-1 itself was quickly pulled towards the black hole before slowing down and appearing to "freeze" in place, with visible evidence of spaghettification on its ears and muzzle. SCP-1459-1's body slowly red-shifted to solid black before fading to complete invisibility over the course of 23 minutes. Black hole immediately dissipated afterwards. SCP-1459's main components were undamaged. **Note:** Cookie dispensed was made with pure, unsweetened dark chocolate (100% cocoa solids). **Player:** Dr. Snider **Statement:** "Unfunny jokes." **Result:** Window to SCP-1459's chamber was immediately covered by a pair of red curtains. Approx. 15 minutes later, curtains were drawn to reveal instance of SCP-1459-1 (Pembroke Welsh Corgi) standing on a miniature stage with a microphone stand and red brick backdrop lit with a single spotlight. SCP-1459-1 wore only a large red-and-green bow tie. SCP-1459-1 barked three times into the microphone, then paused and looked around the chamber, as if awaiting a response. Sounds of jeering and booing were heard, followed by several mechanical arms rising up from the floor and hurling what appeared to be tomatoes at SCP-1459-1 in rapid succession, quickly pelting it to death. More tomatoes were thrown until SCP-1459-1's body was completely obscured. Corpse was quickly disposed of via a mechanical arm wielding a shepherd's crook. **Note:** Ending message was changed to "That's the way the cookie crumbles." Small pile of cookie crumbs dispensed afterwards. **Player:** Dr. Snider **Statement:** "Go to hell." **Result:** Instance of SCP-1459-1 (indeterminate breed) released as normal. Entire chamber glowed a deep red, followed by small flames erupting along edge of windows. Second instance of SCP-1459-1 appeared from side of chamber, much larger in size than the first instance, with a skeletal body and three heads, each wearing an elastic headband with small plastic "devil" horns. Second instance barks six times, one head barking twice after the other. A trapdoor immediately opens up underneath first instance of SCP-1459-1, sending it plummeting out of sight with a frightened whine. A plume of flames erupts from the trapdoor for six seconds before shutting. Second instance of SCP-1459-1 was killed afterwards as the chamber's light shifted from red to blue and the flames went out. Temperatures within SCP-1459 dropped below freezing as remaining SCP-1459-1 froze to death over the course of six seconds, shattered via hammer once completely frozen. **Note:** Cookie dispensed was Fig Newton. Although not displaying any anomalous or dangerous properties, Dr. Snider reported that Fig Newtons are his least favorite kind of cookie. **Player:** Dr. Selvece **Statement:** "Something incomprehensible." **Result:** A pair of mechanical hands emerged from the roof of SCP-1459, carrying a copy of //Finnegans Wake// by James Joyce; said copy was then used to bludgeon the instance of SCP-1459-1 to death. **Player:** Dr. Snider **Statement:** "Dubstep." **Result:** Two speakers with no cables attached are lowered from the top by mechanical arms, and put on the back side of the chamber. After the mechanical arms retracted to the roof, the speakers started playing music, identified as dubstep music, with volume gradually increasing. After 20 seconds, Dr. Snider was given protective headphones. It is hypothesized that the volume inside the chamber was an approximate 15█ dB before the instance of SCP-1459-1 deceased, presumably from internal bleeding. **Note:** A cookie with popping candy was disposed. **Player:** Dr. Snider **Statement:** "Stretch." **Result:** SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used. **Player:** Dr. Snider **Statement:** "Photoshop." **Result:** Multiple mechanical arms started to make numerous surgical modifications to the SCP-1459-1 instance (such as removing a leg and attaching it to its back), until the instance died of blood loss. **Note:** A cookie with four different ingredients in four distinct portions was dispensed. **Player:** Dr. Snider **Statement:** "Kittenpocalypse." **Results:** An unknown number of juvenile domestic felines (//Felis catus//) were disposed from the roof of SCP-1459, which attacked the SCP-1459-1 instance until it terminated. The rest of the felines were disposed of via the trapdoor. **Note:** A short beep sound was played during the ending sequence. **Player:** Dr. Shiro **Statement:** "Crushed by a triceratops ridden by Ayn Rand shouting quotes from //Atlas Shrugged//, //Also Sprach Zarathustra//, and //The Critique of Pure Reason//." **Result:** SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used. **Player:** Dr. Shiro **Statement:** "The dawn of a new age." **Result:** A 2'' x 8'' x 18'' black stone was lowered into the chamber along with several SCP-1459-1 instances. SCP-1459-1 instances split into two groups, one gathering around the stone and the other grouping in the far side of the chamber. Instances gathered around the stone spend several minutes observing it before attacking and killing the members of the other group. Surviving SCP-1459-1 instances are killed via the default bludgeoning method. **Note:** Ending message changed to "So much for enlightenment." Fudge brownie with dimensions of .5'' x 2'' x 4.5'' containing walnuts dispensed. **Player:** Dr. Heikkila **Statement:** "Something that I would find funny." **Result:** SCP-1459 slowly lowered an instance of SCP-1459-1 wearing a miniature Christmas sweater to the tune of the theme of the 1984 film //Terminator//. After approximately half a minute, a mechanical hand lowered a jar filled with what were tentatively identified as driver ants (//Dorylus//). The hand then smashed the jar on the chamber floor in front of SCP-1459-1. The ants began to bite and tear at SCP-1459-1, which attempted to escape the chamber. After 2 minutes, SCP-1459-1 collapsed, twitching. A spiked bowling ball then fell on SCP-1459-1's skull, crushing it. The bowling ball then exploded in fireworks. The remains of SCP-1459-1 and the ants were then swept up in a dustpan with a miniature broom while a sound bite of the death noise from the video game //Super Mario Brothers 3// played. Confetti then rained from the ceiling of SCP-1459, and the sound of a party-blower played. During all of this, Dr. Heikkila was chuckling softly to himself. **Note:** The cookie was dispensed with a note taped on it that read "I know you don't like cookies". The cookie was tested for any anomalous properties, but none have been identified. Dr. Heikkila has been ordered to undergo psychiatric evaluation. **Player:** Dr. Muse **Statement:** "The Apocalypse." **Result:** SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used. **Player:** Dr. Muse **Statement:** "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse." **Result:** SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used. **Player:** Dr. Muse **Statement:** "The wrath of God." **Result:** SCP-1459-1 struck by a bolt of lightning from within SCP-1459 and instantly killed. **Note:** Dr. Muse took a brief respite for his sight and hearing to recover before continuing. **Player:** Dr. Muse **Statement:** "The Four Pseudo-Puppies of the Apocalypse." **Result:** Three Shih Tzu instances SCP-1459-1 descended from the hatch, one with a crown and white fur, one with a combat knife in its mouth and red fur, and one heavily emaciated with black fur. The white instance tackled SCP-1459-1 to the ground and then perched atop it as the red instance began stabbing the downed SCP-1459-1 and the black instance began mauling it. After thirty seconds, what appeared to be the animated skeleton of a Shih Tzu puppy descended from the hatch and dragged the remains into the trapdoor, followed by the three other instances. **Player:** Dr. Muse **Statement:** "Eviscerated by an inconceivable amount of dog-produced bees." **Result:** SCP-1459-1's eyes spontaneously enucleated as an indeterminate number of bees flew out of its various orifices and began stinging it, with more bees continuing to exit the instance's body until the chamber was filled with bees. A mechanical arm carrying a vacuum descended shortly thereafter and removed the bees, then swept the cleanly disemboweled corpse of SCP-1459-1 into the trapdoor. **Note:** A honey cookie with raisins was dispensed. **Player:** Dr. Muse **Statement:** "Consumed by one non-anomalous goldfish of ordinary size." **Result:** Chamber filled to half capacity with water and SCP-1459-1 submerged to its neck by a mechanical arm. A single normal goldfish was lowered into the water and proceeded to consume SCP-1459-1 overnight. **Note:** Despite the goldfish consuming the instance of SCP-1459-1 at the expected rate of a goldfish consuming a puppy, personnel returned in the morning to the sight of the water, SCP-1459-1's bones, and a bloated goldfish draining into the hatch. **Player:** Dr. Hong **Statement:** "Yāozhǎn." (Translation: 'Waist chop', a form of execution in ancient China.) **Result:** SCP-1459 lowers a small wooden bench fitted with restraints into the chamber. SCP-1459-1 instance is seized by mechanical arms and forced to lie supine on the bench. Another arm, bearing a modified hacksaw, descends and proceeds to saw the SCP-1459-1 instance in a manner similar to a hemicorporectomy (translumbar amputation). **Player:** Dr. Hong **Statement:** "Lingchi." (Translation: 'Death by a thousand cuts.') **Result:** As the SCP-1459-1 instance cowers prone, it is sliced by several blades on the limbs and posterior torso. SCP-1459-1 rolls over supine (common in canine body language to express submission or helplessness) and the blades continue to slice at the exposed abdomen. The last cut is to the bared throat of the SCP-1459-1 instance, severing the carotid artery and allowing the instance to expire. **Player:** Dr. Hong **Statement:** "Chángchéng." (Translation: 'Long Fortification', or more commonly, 'Great Wall'.) **Result:** After a one-minute interval, SCP-1459 produces a folding table and laptop, scaled down so as to be commensurate with the provided SCP-1459-1 instance. The laptop is seen to display various content currently censored by the mainland Chinese government, including websites dedicated to pornography, the Taiwanese government, the Dalai Lama, and pro-democracy movements. SCP-1459 then produces three more instances of SCP-1459-1 wearing the uniform of the Public Security Bureau, which proceed to attack and kill the first instance. **Note:** //Huh. I was not expecting that. Forgot it could mean the Great Firewall, too... - Dr. Hong// **Player:** Dr. Hong **Statement:** "Wanli chángchéng." (Translation: 'Ten-Thousand-League Long Fortification', more commonly referred to as the Great Wall of China.) **Result:** One dozen instances of SCP-1459-1 are released, along with tools and building materials that include stone, brick, earth, and wood. Instances proceed to build a scale model of a portion of the Great Wall of China complete with battlements, guard and signal towers, barracks, and stairways. The work is clearly strenuous and hazardous; all but one of the SCP-1459-1 instances die during construction, the last collapsing and appearing to expire soon after completion. A thirteenth SCP-1459-1 instance, released after the completion of the Wall, whines upon seeing the other deceased instances and jumps off the parapet of the highest tower, dying on impact. **Note:** //Now// that's //more like it. - Dr. Hong// **Player:** Dr. Morgenstern. **Statement:** "Fifth Church." **Result:** One instance was released, which transformed into a miniature clone of actor Robert Downey Jr. Instance proceeded to vomit thick, black smoke from its mouth for twelve minutes before transforming back. SCP-1459-1 seemed to suffer no ill effects. A pair of mechanical hands emerged from SCP-1459's ceiling with a copy of //Dianetics// by L. Ron Hubbard, which was used to bludgeon SCP-1459-1 to death. **Note:** Cookie dispensed was mint and in a star shape. Had a burnt taste, as if overbaked. **Player:** Dr. Verzweiflung **Statement:** "Antimatter." **Result:** SCP-1459-1 crushed to death by a miniature replica of a quadrupole magnet from the CERN Antiproton Decelerator. **Player:** Dr. Verzweiflung **Statement:** "Titanium." **Result:** A horizontal slot appeared on one side of SCP-1459 and ejected at high speed a silvery disc, which cleanly sliced off the head of SCP-1459-1 before shattering against the opposite wall of the enclosure. Subsequent analysis of video footage identified the disc as a CD single of the song "//Titanium//" by the French musician David Guetta. **Player:** Dr. Gordon **Statement:** "Spine rip." **Result:** A 75-centimeter-tall door opened, allowing a similarly sized duplicate of the //Mortal Kombat// character Sub-Zero to enter SCP-1459. Sub-Zero gripped SCP-1459-1 by the back of the neck, tore SCP-1459-1's head and spine from its body, then held up the head and spine like a trophy, while a deep voice was heard declaring, "Sub-Zero wins! Fatality!" **Player:** Dr. Davidson **Statement:** "//Titanic// reenactment." **Result:** The chamber was partially flooded with water and hundreds of ice cubes were dropped into water. A small wooden raft and total of two instances of SCP-1459-1 were produced. Cocker Spaniel instance was placed on the raft, while a gray mutt instance was dropped into the freezing water. After an exchange of few barks, the swimming instance sank and drowned. The second instance was terminated via the default bludgeoning method before chamber drained itself. **Note:** A single cookie of seafood flavor was produced. **Player:** Dr. Davidson **Statement:** "//300// reenactment." **Result:** Two instances of SCP-1459-1 were produced and the bottom chute automatically opened. Both instances bark at each other. One then gave three loud, distinctive barks and pounced the other instance into the open chute. The remaining instance was terminated via the default bludgeoning method. **Player:** Dr. Davidson **Statement:** "Puppy centipede." **Result:** One Shiba Inu instance of SCP-1459-1 and two Cocker Spaniel instances of SCP-1459-1 were produced. A mechanical arm then proceeded to [DATA EXPUNGED]. The middle instance was then terminated via the default bludgeoning method. **Note:** Two cookies were produced, resembling chocolate chip cookies, but with corn instead of chocolate chips. **Player:** Dr. Davidson's assistant **Statement:** "Jesus Christ!" (statement uttered in shock after hearing an explanation of SCP-1459's function) **Result:** Several instances of SCP-1459-1 were produced. Mechanical arms then placed three upright standing crosses in the middle of the chamber and crucified three of the instances, one to each cross. SCP-1459 then produced a scalpel-sized polearm and one of the mechanical arms poked the side of the instance bolted to the middle cross, while another arm equipped the same instance with a thorn crown. All three instances were terminated 6 hours later due to their injuries. All remaining instances were terminated via the default bludgeoning method. **Note:** Three cookies were produced, one of them dipped in wine. According to security footage, █ days later SCP-1459's bottom chute opened on its own and an instance of SCP-1459-1 identical to the instance bolted to the middle cross crawled out of the chute. 15 minutes later SCP-1459 proceeded to its default bludgeoning method of instance termination. **Player:** Dr. Gallagher **Statement:** Dr. Gallagher did not state a method, and instead screamed inarticulately for the entirety of the 15-second countdown. **Result:** After a single instance of SCP-1459-1 was produced, a miniature version of Dr. Gallagher manifested, and proceeded to bludgeon the SCP-1459-1 instance in a manner similar to SCP-1459's default method of termination, while screaming at approximately 100db for 5 minutes. **Note:** The cookie produced was of the chocolate-chip variety; testing revealed it to contain toxic amounts of capsaicin. **Player:** Research Assistant Taylor **Statement:** "Time travel." **Result:** SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used. **Player:** Research Assistant Taylor **Statement:** "A different method of time travel." **Result:** SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used. **Player:** Research Assistant Taylor **Statement:** "A method of time travel which has never been used by the Win-A-Cookie machine to kill a puppy." **Result:** SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used. **Player:** Dr. John **Statement:** "Emptying the recycle bin." **Result:** A trash bin was dispensed then emptied into a trapdoor, despite being already empty. SCP-1459 then proceeded to default bludgeoning method. **Player:** Dr. B███████e **Statement:** "The power of rock." **Result:** A single instance of SCP-1459-1 was lowered into SCP-1459, where it was promptly crushed by a large stone released from the top of the machine. As the remains of SCP-1459-1 were flushed down the trapdoor, a fragment of the song "█████ █████" by ██/██ was heard by observers. SCP-1459 then released one peanut butter cookie. **Player:** Agent Fleir **Statement:** "Limit Break." **Result:** Two instances of 1459-1 were deposited on opposite sides of the box: one terrier with a gray wig that covered the sides of its head, and one golden retriever with its fur sticking up so that it resembled blonde hair. The terrier was clutching a Masamune sword in its teeth, while the golden retriever was wielding an unidentified, much larger sword. The two instances stared at each other for several seconds, then rushed at each other and began growling and fighting. Both instances experienced serious sword-related injuries, with the terrier being defeated and killed. Several seconds later, the golden retriever died as well, apparently of exhaustion. **Player:** Junior Researcher Kim **Statement:** “Did you know that world-renowned writer Stephen King was once hit by a car? Just something to consider.” **Result:** A single instance of SCP-1459-1 (St. Bernard) was generated, wearing eyeglasses, and seated at a typewriter. A car then emerged from the left wall and drove over the instance at high speed, before disappearing through the right wall. Typewriter and eyeglasses were undamaged. Cookie was a typical frosted sugar cookie with the letters "LOL" written in frosting on top of it. **Player:** Mr. Mox **Statement:** "Something that will show us how to kill [[[SCP-682]]]." **Result:** SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had been previously used. **Player:** Mr. Mox **Statement:** "Fine, give me something I'll enjoy." **Result:** SCP-1459 deployed a film projector. The 1979 film //Alien// played, but with SCP-1459-1 instances in place of the human and android characters. All dialogue was replaced with barking and growling. SCP-1459-1 instances were killed at the appropriate places in the film. The remaining instance (Ripley) was terminated via the default bludgeoning method. **Note:** Cookie was in the shape of the "Alien" egg from the film. Contained a gummy "facehugger" within a sugar cookie exterior. **Player:** Junior Researcher Kim **Statement:** "Bludgeoning, but the puppy is only to be hit exactly 7 times, and once this is completed, exactly 33.55 kg of Kingsford brand charcoal is to be placed on the puppy. 3 Samsung Galaxy s6 mobile phones are to placed around the puppy in a triangular formation, and each phone is to have both "//Premium Tetris//" and "//Dog Barking Translator//" installed on them. Once this is done, put a thermonuclear bomb inside the machine that is exactly 3 cm in width and 10 cm in height, and it is to be placed on the second Samsung Galaxy s6 placed in there. It is to be detonated using a functioning remote control made entirely out of sausages." **Result:** SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had been previously used. **Player:** Dr. Langford **Statement:** "Classical music." **Result:** Ceiling hatch opened and dropped a miniature grand piano onto SCP-1459-1, killing it instantly. A second instance was placed into the chamber by mechanical arm. Second instance played the entire piece of "The Marriage of Figaro" by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart on the mostly intact piano. After the conclusion of the piece, two mechanical arms emerged from the top hatch and applauded for seven seconds before terminating the instance via the default bludgeoning method. **Player:** Junior Researcher Mike **Statement:** "Forbidden basement." **Result:** An instance of SCP-1459-1 was generated, as well as a latch on the floor leading down a stairwell. SCP-1459-1 started to whimper as he was forced to walk down the stairs by a mechanical arm. The latch shut when SCP-1459-1 instance was out of sight, and SCP-1459-1 was heard barking, then suddenly yelping. SCP-1459-1 instance became silent. Latch disappeared along with the mechanical hand. **Note:** Cookie took 2 minutes to dispense, during which Junior Researcher Mike became uncomfortable. Cookie flavor was hard to determine but testing concluded that it was a plant-based diet style cookie. **Player:** Dr. Chris "Ox" Moran **Statement:** "A four-sided triangle." **Result:** An instance of SCP-1459-1 was generated, and immediately beaten to death with a four-sided triangle. **Note:** Dispensed cookie was in the shape of a four-sided triangle. **Player:** Junior Researcher Jenkins **Statement:** "The last means of disposal this machine will ever use." **Result:** An instance of SCP-1459-1 was generated, as per the norm, only to drop immediately through the trapdoor unharmed. **Note:** Instead of a cookie, SCP-1459 produced an index card with the words "IOU 1x Oatmeal Raisin Cookie". **Player:** Junior Researcher Jenkins **Statement:** "The last //unique// means of disposal this machine will ever use." **Result:** An instance of SCP-1459-1 was generated, as per the norm, only to drop immediately through the trapdoor unharmed. **Note:** Instead of a cookie, SCP-1459 produced an index card with the words "IOU 1x Unique Oatmeal Raisin Cookie". **Player:** Dr. Fleming **Statement:** "I like trains." **Result:** A wooden train similar to [[[SCP-737]]] plowed through the chamber at high speed, impacting SCP-1459-1 at approximately 750 km/h. **Note:** Cookie was in the shape of a locomotive. **Player:** Dr. Burns **Statement:** "Rage." **Result:** Two SCP-1459-1 instances were generated. One proceeded to attack the other. The attacked instance turned green, tripled in size, and mutilated its opponent. Three robotic arms, all thicker than usual, were required to restrain the instance as it was forced into the trapdoor. **Player:** Dr. Burns **Statement:** "Magnetism." **Result:** SCP-1459-1 was crushed between what appeared to be two large neodymium magnets. **Note:** Cookie was colored to reflect raspberry and grape flavor. **Player:** Dr. Burns **Statement:** "Dreaming." **Result:** A large amount of sand poured from the top hatch, which quickly buried SCP-1459-1, suffocating the instance. **Note:** Cookie had trace amounts of melatonin. Consumption did not result in any remembered dreams. **Player:** Dr. Davidson **Statement:** "Gordon Ramsay." **Result:** Two instances of SCP-1459-1 were produced. Instance, which was described to be a white-brown bulldog equipped with a chef hat, subdued the other instance. Mechanical arms then placed the subdued instance into an oven. The remaining instance was terminated via the default bludgeoning method. **Note:** A donut was produced instead of a cookie. **Player:** Research Assistant Taylor **Statement:** "//Super Mario Brothers//." **Result:** An instance of SCP-1459-1 wearing a costume of the video game character ''Mario'' and a large yellow floating block with a large white question mark embossed on each face were produced. The instance jumped up, striking the bottom of the block and causing a large specimen of //Amanita muscaria// to be expelled from the top of the block. Instance consumed the specimen, and expired 15 minutes later with symptoms consistent with //A. muscaria// poisoning. **Note:** Cookie was shaped like mushroom; analysis showed no traces of toxins. **Player:** unknown individual **Statement:** "Shark Punching Centre." **Result:** SCP-1459-1 instance was generated wearing a shark costume. Instance was terminated via bludgeoning with a boxing glove. **Note:** Cookie was shaped like a boxing glove with the letters "SPC" on it. **Player:** Dr. Geralds **Statement:** "Conversion of 0.1% of body mass into antimatter." (Dr. Geralds was behind a protective screen while making this statement. Test was unauthorized.) **Result:** An SCP-1459-1 instance was produced. After approximately 15 seconds, the instance of SCP-1459-1 was destroyed almost instantly in a powerful explosion. As in Experiment 0239, the resulting explosion was completely contained by SCP-1459. **Note:** Raisin cookie was determined to be heavily flavored with //Capsicum chinense//, commonly known as habanero peppers. **Player:** Dr. A. Maliss **Statement:** "Antimemetics." **Result:** According to supervising staff, no SCP-1459-1 instance was produced. Despite this, a cookie was dispensed as normal. **Player:** Researcher T. Umen **Statement:** "Please, take me instead!" **Result:** An SCP-1459-1 instance was produced, along with a large pillow and two steel bowls filled with dog food and water. Approximately 5 minutes after initial activation, the SCP-1459-1 instance was killed via default bludgeoning method, and a robotic arm extended from and pulled Researcher Umen into SCP-1459. Researcher Umen remained within SCP-1459 for two days, during which he was provided dog food and water three times daily. On the end of the second day, Researcher Umen was forcibly expelled from the slot normally used by SCP-1459 to dispense cookies, along with a handwritten note reading "Nice Try." **Player:** Dr. B. O'Doyle **Statement:** "O'Doyle rules." **Result:** Five instances of SCP-1459-1 produced along with a station wagon appropriately sized for the SCP-1459-1 instances. Instances entered the vehicle and began synchronized barking. Top hatch opened and a mechanical arm dropped a banana peel onto floor. The vehicle drove over the banana peel, causing it to slide into the front of SCP-1459 at high speed. The vehicle then caught fire and exploded. Back wall of SCP-1459 opened and a mechanical arm wielding a red fire extinguisher emerged and put out the fire. **Note:** Cookie produced consisted of various types of manure. **Player:** Dr. Crocket **Statement:** "Noodles." **Result:** Unknown. After an instance of SCP-1459-1 was produced, a curtain covered up the box. A variety of sounds were heard, including lawnmowers, saxophones, and the 1973 song "//Piano Man//" by Billy Joel. After 10 minutes, the curtains lifted, revealing that SCP-1459-1 was dead. An olive on a stick was stuck in its back, and it was wearing a football helmet. **Note:** //Nothing related to noodles even happened. -Dr. Crocket// **Player:** Dr. Edison **Statement:** "Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo." **Result:** An instance of SCP-1459-1 and four instances of American bison (//Bison bison//) are produced, all dressed in "University of Buffalo" apparel. Two of the bison then proceed to headbutt and cajole the other two bison, leading to them accidentally trampling the SCP-1459-1 instance. **Note:** Cookie produced was a sugar cookie covered in buffalo sauce. **Player:** Dr. Cooke **Statement:** "//Mortal Kombat.//" **Result:** Two instances of SCP-1459-1 were produced, one wearing yellow and one wearing blue. The one wearing yellow threw a knife attached to a chain at the other instance, before pulling them together and ripping off the other's head. **Note:** Cookie was coated with blood. **Player:** Dr. Little **Statement:** "Don't kill anything." **Result:** Two instances of SCP-1459-1 appeared. One instance had a gold-plated collar labeled "Anything". The second was bludgeoned in the default method. **Player:** Dr. Clair **Statement:** "Drowned in [[[scp-447|SCP-447-2]]]." **Result:** SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used. **Note:** Dr. Clair was demoted and reassigned. **Player:** Dr. Edison **Statement:** "In Soviet Russia, puppy kill YOU!" **Result:** A single sugar cookie appears within SCP-1459's chamber. An entity resembling Joseph Stalin emerges from a trap door below the chamber and repeatedly smashes the cookie with a hammer. Rather than a cookie, several bloody chunks of dog flesh were dispensed. **Player:** Researcher Carlson **Statement:** "Censorship." **Result:** [DATA EXPUNGED] **Player:** Researcher ████████ **Statement:** "Tert-butyllithium." **Result:** Instance of SCP-1459-1 was released. Robotic arm with a pipe on the end descended from the hatch, spraying a liquid hypergolic with the atmosphere in the room. Instance of SCP-1459-1 rapidly expired due to combustion of tissue. **Note:** Cookie dispensed had high levels of lithium salts. **Player:** Dr. Senaviev **Statement:** "Suspicious circumstances." **Result:** Instance of SCP-1459-1 released, followed by fog that obscured vision inside the chamber. When the fog dissipated, SCP-1459-1 was revealed to have been shot several times. **Player:** Dr. Snargle **Statement:** "I have a severe egg allergy." **Result:** Robotic arms pelted instance with several dozen eggs. Instance appeared confused, but unharmed. Eggs broke open on impact, and instance began eating their contents. After several minutes, instance became distressed and began clawing at its face, then began experiencing difficulty breathing, and eventually suffocated. **Note:** Cookie dispensed had no traces of eggs. **Player:** Dr. Reynolds **Statement:** "World War Three." **Result:** An instance of SCP-1459-1 (Boston Terrier), wearing a cowboy hat and a US flag cape, was released on the left hand side of the machine, alongside a miniaturized LGM-30 Minuteman III missile. Shortly thereafter, a second SCP-1459-1 instance (Black Russian Terrier), wearing a Red Army Ushanka, was released on the right hand side of the machine, alongside a miniaturized SS-18 missile. Both instances proceeded to bark at each other for fifteen minutes, after which both missiles launched themselves at the opposing instances. The resulting nuclear detonations were completely contained by the machine. **Note:** Dispensed cookie was decorated with frosting arranged to make the hazard symbol for ionizing radiation. Analysis showed it to contain trace amounts of iodine-131. **Player:** Dr. Westrin **Statement:** "Metaphysics." **Result:** An instance of SCP-1459-1 was released. After approximately 20 minutes, the instance received injuries consistent with being bludgeoned with a hammer. No cookie was dispensed. **Player:** Dr. Westrin **Statement:** "Pataphysics." **Result:** A robotic arm extended from SCP-1459 and, through unknown narrative methods, proceeded to bludgeon the SCP-1459-1 instance in the "Metaphysics" experiment. It is currently unclear how this was accomplished. **Note:** The word "META" was written in frosting on the cookie. **Player:** Dr. Crocket **Statement:** "Stupidity." **Result:** Three instances of SCP-1459-1 appeared. Two of the instances were wearing custom dog-fitted shirts, reading "Vaccines are Death Injections" and "God Hates [EXPLETIVE REMOVED]" respectively. The two shirted instances, hereby SCP-1459-1-B and -C respectively, with the shirtless instance being -A, proceeded to bark at SCP-1459-1-A for 15 minutes. Throughout the 15 minutes, SCP-1459-1-A appeared distressed, covering its ears and attempting to ignore SCP-1459-1-B and -C. Eventually, SCP-1459-1-A self-terminated via repeated blunt force against SCP-1459's glass case. SCP-1459-1-B and -C were terminated via the standard bludgeoning method. **Note:** This test may indicate that 1459 has opinions; alternately, it may fit subjective opinion around the user. //Honestly can't blame the little guy. I'd probably have done the same. - Dr. Crocket// **Player:** Junior Researcher Cuthbertson **Statement:** "Marijuana overdose." **Result:** One instance of SCP-1459-1 is released. A mechanical arm feeds the instance five peanut-shaped cookies. After about nine minutes, instance begins to show signs of THC intoxication. Instance does not appear distressed, as is common for canines who have ingested marijuana. After another eleven minutes, a hatch at the top of the machine falls open and a metallic slide lowers, terminating in a bowl. Additional peanut-shaped cookies are dispensed, which SCP-1459-1 proceeds to voraciously devour. Cookies are continually dispensed. Visible distention of the stomach shows after five minutes. The instance continues to eat for another three minutes until the stomach ruptures internally. Instance continues to attempt eating dispensed cookies for four minutes until it dies, apparently of internal hemorrhaging. **Note:** Dispensed one brownie, infused with THC. **Player:** Junior Researcher Cuthbertson **Statement:** "//Reefer Madness//." **Result:** Three instances of SCP-1459-1 are released. A mechanical arm feeds one instance (hereby -A) a single peanut-shaped cookie. After four minutes, instance begins to show the following symptoms: dilated pupils, reduced motor skills, loss of balance, excessive drooling, heavy panting, and distressed vocalizations. After two minutes, the remaining instances (hereby -B and -C) approach SCP-1459-A. SCP-1459-A proceeds to yelp and stagger away from SCP-1459-B and -C. After fleeing for three minutes, SCP-1459-A begins to show signs of aggression, growling, barking, and baring its teeth. SCP-1459-A begins to viciously attack SCP-1459-B. SCP-1459-C attacks SCP-1459-A, but the instance does not appear to notice until the termination of SCP-1459-B. While SCP-1459-A has suffered significant damage, it has little difficulty terminating SCP-1459-C. SCP-1459-A dies of blood loss from its sustained injuries after five minutes. **Note:** Dispensed one brownie, infused with THC and approximately 10mg PCP. **Player:** Researcher Carlson **Statement:** "Selachian pugilism." **Result:** The machine releases a single instance of SCP-1459-1 before filling with water. It then releases a small entity resembling an anthropomorphic shark armed with boxing gloves. The shark-like entity proceeds to bludgeon SCP-1459-1 until it perishes, at which point it swims back into the ceiling hatch. The water is then drained, and the deceased SCP-1459-1 is removed as normal. The dispensed cookie contained small amounts of chum. **Note:** Researcher Carlson displayed extreme anger throughout this test, seeming particularly outraged by the punching behavior of the shark-like entity. Any further shark-related incidents involving Researcher Carlson are to be reported to the Site Director immediately. //I want Carlson under constant surveillance. If those shark-punching idiots can infiltrate us, then God only knows what the **real** threats are getting away with. -Site Director G█████// **Player:** Researcher Garnier **Statement:** "Do your worst." **Result:** [DATA EXPUNGED] **Note:** Researcher Garnier and other researchers present administered amnestics and sent to psychological counseling. The cookie produced by SCP-1459 was in an advanced state of decomposition. **Player:** Researcher Risotti **Statement**: "Agincourt." **Result**: A man in the garb of a 13th-century English longbowman manifests and shoots SCP-1459-1 with an arrow, impaling it. The bowman then leaves through the floor hatch. **Note**: Instead of a cookie, SCP-1459 produced a miniature baguette. **Player:** Researcher Risotti **Statement**: "Weebery." **Result**: Two instances of SCP-1459-1 are produced, one of which is morbidly obese, wearing a miniature fedora, and carrying an appropriately-sized katana. A recorded voice is heard saying "お前はもう死んでいる" ("You are already dead" in Japanese) followed by another recorded voice saying "何!?" ("What!?"), after which the sword-wielding SCP-1459-1 disembowels and beheads the other SCP-1459-1; it then commits seppuku. **Note:** Two cookies were dispensed. The cookies were white chocolate with red strawberry sauce on the middle, resembling a Japanese flag. **Player:** Researcher ███ **Statement:** "Procedure 110-Montauk." **Result:** SCP-1459-1 harmlessly removed through the hatch. A slightly different version of the default ending message ("You are //definitely// going to Hell for this") plays. **Note:** One (1) plain cookie was produced; analysis indicated that it contained lethal amounts of cyanide. Researcher ███ amnesticized. **Player:** Dr. Silva **Statement:** "Music." **Result**: SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used. **Player:** Dr. Silva **Statement:** "An orchestra." **Result:** Several instances of SCP-1459-1 are produced and begin playing appropriately miniaturized violins, harps, cellos, trumpets, keyboards, and various other instruments. After 90 seconds of music, one instance strikes another instance in the head with the slide of a trombone (possibly by accident); this triggers a fight, in which instances bludgeon and strangle each other with their instruments. The last survivor is the instance wielding a conductor's baton, who bows to personnel, then collapses and dies. **Player:** Dr. Plidowski **Statement:** "The Holy Inquisition." **Result:** SCP-1459-1 manifests apparent symptoms of rabies, after which six (6) instances of juvenile Swiss mountain dogs, dressed in miniature Swiss Guard apparel, are produced, along with a single juvenile Argentine mastiff dressed in miniature Papal garb. They bark three times at the first SCP-1459-1, and then watch as SCP-1459 produces mechanical arms holding gasoline canisters and a matchbox, which it uses to light the first instance on fire. The other instances are terminated by the default bludgeoning procedure. **Note**: Cookie was a communion wafer. **Player:** Researcher Voct **Statement:** "A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y and Z." **Result:** An instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced. One bee emerges from the hatch and stings SCP-1459-1. The instance dies of apparent anaphylaxis. A second instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced. The tank rapidly fills with water and seaweed; the instance drowns, and is removed via the trapdoor, after which point the water and seaweed drain out. A third instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced. Mechanical arms emerge from the ceiling, holding a bra, with which they strangle the instance. A fourth instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced, wearing stereotypical "raver" clothing and carrying glowsticks. Electronic music plays loudly and lights flash as the instance dances, stopping periodically to consume unidentified pills which are offered to it by the mechanical arms. After four hours, the instance manifests signs of MDMA overdose and dies. A fifth instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced. A crude but recognizable effigy of political figure [REDACTED], wearing signs that say "I HATE VOTERS", "I BETRAYED MY COUNTRY", and "I HATE DOGS", manifests and falls on the instance, crushing it. A sixth instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced, carrying an intravenous injection kit, a plastic bag of powder, and a bottle of liquid. Notably, the instance is visibly malnourished and trembling, with multiple bald patches and sores. The instance mixes the powder with the liquid, injects the liquid into its own forearm, and then loses consciousness. A mechanical arm emerges from the ceiling, and pokes the instance, which twitches. Fifteen minutes later, the mechanical arm pokes the instance again; again, the instance twitches. This continues every fifteen minutes for three hours, at the end of which the instance is no longer responsive. A seventh instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced. Its eyes swell up so much that they fall out of their sockets, but are still attached. The instance begins panicking and pawing at the eyes, which by this point are larger than the instance's head; eventually, the instance falls such that the eyes roll on top of its head and crush its skull. An eighth instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced. An estimated 30 blue jays (//Cyanocitta cristata//) emerge from the hatch and attack the instance, pecking it to death. A ninth instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced, and given a large trough of water. As the instance drinks, mechanical arms emerge from the ceiling hatch, holding a large bucket of an unidentified powdered metal. The arms then invert the bucket over the trough. As the powder contacts the water, it explodes violently, killing the instance. A tenth instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced and crushed under a giant lemon. An eleventh instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced, as are 75 canisters of compressed oxygen. The mechanical arms open all the canisters; after four hours, the instance develops symptoms of oxygen toxicity, and dies after another 18 hours. A twelfth instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced. It begins urinating; after 22 days of continuous urination, the tank is full of urine, at which point the instance drowns. A thirteenth instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced and bludgeoned with a pool cue. A fourteenth instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced and crushed under an estimated 1.2 million Indian 1-rupee coins. A fifteenth instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced. The mechanical arms emerge from the ceiling hatch, wielding several steaming teapots and teakettles; the arms empty these onto the instance, scalding it to death. A sixteenth instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced; notably, it is of the hairless Xoloitzcuintli breed. The mechanical arms emerge from the ceiling hatch, wielding high-intensity ultraviolet blacklights, which they shine on the instance. The instance rapidly develops third-degree burns and what appear to be multiple melanomas; as with the sixth instance, mechanical arms prod it every 15 minutes until, after four days, it is no longer responsive. A seventeenth instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced. A double-sided plate-glass mirror drops from the ceiling hatch and bisects it longitudinally. An eighteenth instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced. Ten mechanical arms emerge from the ceiling, wielding laboratory equipment. An eleventh arm restrains the instance, and takes a tissue sample. The other arms process the sample for karyotyping; after eleven days of processing, the completed karyogram reveals that the instance is XX (genetically female). The arms restrain the instance again, examine its genitalia, and then drop it through the trapdoor unharmed. A nineteenth instance of SCP-1459-1 is likewise revealed to be genetically female, and dropped through the trapdoor unharmed. A twentieth instance, however, is revealed to be be XY (genetically male), and is bludgeoned to death with the lab equipment. A twenty-first instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced. A man identified as American actor Douglas Fairbanks (1883-1939) manifests, wearing the cloak, sombrero, and mask, and wielding the sword, from his portrayal of the character "Zorro"; notably, Zorro was known for using a sword to slice a 'Z' into walls as a signature. Fairbanks draws the sword, and slices a 'Z' into the instance, which exsanguinates. Fairbanks then drops the sword, removes the sombrero and mask, takes a jar of cookies from under his cloak, and eats 21 cookies one by one, staring silently at observers the whole time. He then exits through the trapdoor. No cookies were dispensed. **Player:** Dr. Margin **Statement:** "Use its entrails to have a conversation with me." **Result:** SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used. **Note:** Doctor Margin was attempting to conduct an interview with SCP-1459. **Player:** Dr. Margin **Statement:** "God fucking damn it." (Note: Statement uttered after previous attempt failed.) **Result:** Instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced. SCP-1459-1 proceeds to appear agitated for several seconds, whimpering. Entity resembling [[[SCP-343]]] appears and picks up SCP-1459-1. The bottom hatch opens, from which the sounds of whining and burning can be heard. Entity resembling SCP-343 lifted SCP-1459-1 over its head before throwing it violently into the hatch while screaming "FUCK YOU!" Entity then exited through the top hatch. **Note:** SCP-343 manifested immediately afterwards, took the cookie dispensed, ate it, and demanifested. When subsequently asked why it had done this, SCP-343 declined to answer. //I really hate this job sometimes. Still, interesting result. -Dr. Margin// **Player:** Dr. Griswold **Statement:** “Someone who knows how to kill [[[SCP-682]]].” **Result:** SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used. **Player:** Dr. Lucas **Statement:** "Something which //cannot// kill SCP-682." **Result:** A man wearing the uniform of a Foundation security guard emerges, wielding a shotgun. He fires repeatedly at the instance, missing each time. Once his ammunition is exhausted, he attempts several times to bludgeon the instance with the shotgun, but again misses each time. The instance is then terminated by the default bludgeoning method. **Player:** Researcher Lane **Statement:** "Your choice." **Result:** [DATA EXPUNGED] **Note:** Cookie produced was described by Researcher Lane as "the best thing I've ever eaten." Researcher Lane is hereby banned from using SCP-1459. **Player:** Dr. Miller **Statement:** "Samsung Galaxy Note 7." **Result:** A Samsung Galaxy Note 7 on a standard charger appeared next to the SCP-1459-1 instance. 30 minutes later, the Note 7 exploded, instantly killing the SCP-1459-1 instance. **Player:** Dr. Willows **Statement:** "Give it a bone." **Result:** SCP-1459 emitted a noise signalling that the suggested method had already been used. **Note:** Despite not performing any actions, one oatmeal cookie was dispensed. Dr. Willows stated that it tasted "extremely dry." **Player:** Dr. Willows **Statement:** "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?" **Result:** A mechanical arm produced seven woodchucks //(Marmota momax)//, each carrying a small log. The woodchucks proceeded to pelt SCP-1459-1 with the logs at rapid speeds, producing extra logs by anomalous means until the container was completely filled. The logs were dropped through the floor and into a series of high-powered chipping mechanisms, emptying the container within five minutes. **Note:** Seven cookies were dispensed, each made entirely out of cork. **Player:** Dr. Johnson **Statement:** "Falling anvil." **Result:** SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used. //I figured as much. -Dr. Johnson// **Player:** Dr. Johnson **Statement:** "Grand piano." **Result:** SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used. //That one too?! -Dr. Johnson// **Player:** Dr. Johnson **Statement:** "Pushed off of a cliff by a boulder." **Result:** SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used. //Why is all of the cartoon stuff already used? -Dr. Johnson//. **Player:** Dr. Johnson **Statement:** "Hit on the head by an anvil, then crushed by a grand piano and pushed off of a cliff by a boulder." **Result:** A cliff appeared with the SCP-1459-1 instance on it. The instance was then struck on the head by a falling anvil but survived. The instance was then crushed by a falling grand piano, but it survived. A boulder then appeared and the flattened instance was pushed off of the cliff. //Finally! -Dr. Johnson.// **Player:** Dr. Davidson **Statement:** "The trolley problem." **Result:** Trolley tracks manifested in the configuration of the trolley problem: five instances of SCP-1459-1 tied to the track, with a side track branching off on which was tied 1 instance of SCP-1459-1, and a large lever marked "SWITCH". A trolley appeared in the distance, and drove slowly down the track until it reached the junction, at which point a robotic arm pulled the lever. The trolley then split in half, with one half crushing the five instances on the main track and the other half crushing the single instance on the branched track. **Player:** Dr. Bannock **Statement:** “Suicide.” **Result:** SCP-1459 produced its standard robotic arm with mallet. The SCP-1459-1 instance took the mallet from the robotic limb and proceeded to bludgeon itself with it for 15 minutes, until it was terminated. **Player:** Dr. Bannock **Statement:** “Enlightenment.” **Result:** SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating that the method of extermination had previously been used. **Player:** Dr. Bannock **Statement:** “Existentialism.” **Result:** SCP-1459-1 instance walked towards the front window of SCP-1459 and looked at Dr. Bannock with a pleading expression while whimpering. This continued until the instance was bludgeoned against the window in the default method. **Player:** Dr. Bannock **Statement:** “Portal.” **Result:** The entrance and exit of a small portal were formed on both sides of SCP-1459. The instance of SCP-1459-1 walked over to the entrance and proceeded through. As SCP-1459-1 was halfway through, the portal abruptly closed, severing the instance at the waist. The instance then exsanguinated. **Note:** Cookie dispensed was in the shape of a cartoon heart. **Player:** Dr. A. Maliss **Statement:** "Outside of the machine." **Result:** SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used; staff throughout the entire facility reported having heard the sound. **Player:** Dr. A. Maliss **Statement:** "[[[SCP-1539|Semantic dissociation]]]." **Result:** SCP-1459 was terminated via a cookie-chip chocolate. The default bludgeoning method dispensed an instance of SCP-1459-1, with all internal disassociation reverting shortly thereafter. The dispensed SCP-1459-1 instance was kept as a pet by Dr. Maliss until it began to go stale. **Player:** Dr. A. Maliss **Statement:** N/A. Dr. Maliss sang several bars of Beethoven's //Symphony No. 5 in C minor//. **Result:** SCP-1459-1 instance was terminated by an industrial piston extending from the upper hatch. The piston extended in a "short-short-short-long" pattern, after which the remains of the instance were scraped through the trapdoor. **Player:** Researcher Lee Roy Carlson **Statement:** "Michael Myers." **Result:** An entity resembling Canadian actor and comedian Mike Myers appeared, then bludgeoned the SCP-1459-1 instance to death. **Player:** Researcher Lee Roy Carlson **Statement:** "No, Michael Myers the slasher villain." **Result:** Two SCP-1459-1 instances were produced. They began to copulate, at which point an entity resembling Canadian actor and comedian Mike Myers manifested. The entity produced a large kitchen knife, with which it terminated and mutilated the SCP-1459-1 instances before demanifesting. **Player:** Researcher Lee Roy Carlson **Statement:** "No, Michael Myers from the John Carpenter movies!" **Result:** Two SCP-1459-1 instances were produced. They began to copulate, at which point a humanoid entity wearing a bleached white William Shatner mask and a dark green jumpsuit manifested. The entity produced a large kitchen knife, with which it terminated the SCP-1459-1 instances. Before demanifesting, the entity removed its mask to reveal the face of Canadian actor and comedian Mike Myers. **Note:** //Close enough. -Researcher Carlson// **Player:** Dr. ████████ **Statement:** "Something I would find funny." **Result:** Instance of SCP-1459-1 began rapidly flying around SCP-1459's chamber, while a rapidly-changing sawtooth tone played. Instance exploded after approximately 15 seconds. **Note:** Dr. ████████ has been unable to comment, as all mention of this event has caused him to laugh hysterically. (For the following three experiments, D-1443, chosen for their //inability// to understand Japanese, is chosen and instructed by Researcher Eri to perform three experiments with the same statement each time.) **Player:** D-1443 **Statement:** "Fubuki ni korosareru." **Result:** SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had been previously used. **Note:** //Someone went for it, I see. But carry on. -Researcher Eri// **Player:** D-1443 **Statement:** "Fubuki ni korosareru." **Result:** An anomalous ship, which lacks a propeller but instead has at least 100 feet with which it walks, fires all its guns upon SCP-1459-1. **Note:** A cookie in the shape of a snowflake was dispensed. Post-incident investigation reveals the ship to be identical to WW2-era //IJN Fubuki// except for its anomalous method of movement. //An entire ship's guns just to kill a puppy. Talk about excessive force. Next. -Researcher Eri// **Player:** D-1443 **Statement:** "Fubuki ni korosareru." **Result:** A young woman in a Foundation uniform, her hair tied in a short ponytail, fires a Foundation standard-issue pistol at SCP-1459-1. **Note:** A cookie in the shape of a different snowflake from the second experiment was dispensed. Post-incident investigation reveals the woman to be similar to a female Site-17 Security Officer who is not aware of SCP-1459's properties and, in fact, has never visited Sector-25. The security officer and Researcher Eri have never met. //Now that was just out of the blue. -Researcher Eri// **Player:** Dr. Cleveland **Statement:** "Saddam Hussein collapsed." **Result:** A statue of Saddam Hussein falls over the SCP-1459-1 instance, crushing it. **Note:** The cookie was in the shape of the nation of Iraq. **Player:** Jr. Researcher Gregorius **Statement:** "Prime Directive." **Result:** Two instances of SCP-1459-1 manifested, one wearing leather armor and posturing aggressively, the other undressed, laying on its back and exposing its throat in a typical canine gesture of submission. A third instance, wearing a version of the Federation captain's uniform from //Star Trek: The Next Generation// manifested, accompanied by the visual and auditory effects which the series used to indicate teleportation. This instance shook its head, and then demanifested with the same visual and auditory effects. The aggressive instance then tore open the submissive instance's throat. The submissive instance exsanguinated, after which the aggressive instance was executed via the default bludgeoning method. **Note:** Two cookies dispensed; plain with sugar frosting. Frosting was in the shape of a Federation "comm-badge" from the aforementioned TV series. **Player:** Jr. Researcher Petersen **Statement:** "[http://www.scp-wiki.net/end-of-death-hub ΩK-Class Scenario]." **Result:** One instance of SCP-1459-1 appeared, and was subjected to several forms of seemingly fatal trauma, including the default bludgeoning method, evisceration, at least three distinct types of explosion, and what is believed to be an instance of minor spaghettification as a result of exposure to a black hole, surviving all of these. After half an hour, a [http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-4514 switch blade] was produced and used to finally execute the SCP-1459-1 instance. **Note:** Five cookies dispensed; four chocolate chip cookies, and one fortune cookie. The fortune inside read "Not in this timeline, buddy." **Player:** Dr. Sheath **Statement:** "Linear acceleration." **Result:** A sound played from SCP-1459 indicating that this method had previously been used. **Player:** Dr. Sheath **Statement:** "Cosmic instinct forged through metaphorical interference." **Result:** A sound played from SCP-1459 indicating that this method had previously been used. **Player:** Dr. Sheath **Statement:** "Something brand new." **Result:** A sound played from SCP-1459 indicating that this method had previously been used. **Player:** Dr. Sheath **Statement:** N/A. Dr. Sheath made guttural throat sounds while clapping repeatedly. **Result:** A sound played from SCP-1459 indicating that this method had previously been used. **Player:** Dr. Sheath **Statement:** "Gun." **Result:** A mechanical arm brandished a Remington 870 shotgun at SCP-1459-1 for approximately ten (10) seconds, before using the shotgun to terminate SCP-1459-1 via bludgeoning. **Player:** Junior Researcher Jacob Hernandez (accompanied by Junior Researcher Samantha Fischer) **Statement:** "Sans //Undertale//." **Result:** Two instances of SCP-1459-1 manifested within the chamber: one normal, and one skeletal but animate. The skeletal instance's left eye socket began to glow blue, before the apparent direction of gravity within SCP-1459 began to shift violently, not affecting the skeletal instance but killing SCP-1459-1 through blunt force trauma. After SCP-1459-1 was deceased, a second SCP-1459-1 instance manifested in its place and underwent the same process as the original. This cycle recurred 37 total times before a kitchen knife manifested near the ceiling of SCP-1459 and fell onto the skeletal instance, which collapsed into dust. **Notes:** 37 heart-shaped cookies of the cinnamon variety with butterscotch chips, as well as the ingredients to make a 38th, were dispensed. **Player:** Dr. Branta **Statement:** "Everyone is dead." **Result:** A dead instance of SCP-1459-1 manifested. The robotic arms prodded, shook and palpated it for several minutes, then attempted to perform cardiac massage, but eventually pushed the instance through the trapdoor. **Note:** //God dammit. -Dr. Branta// **Player:** Dr. Branta **Statement:** "Everyone is dead except Kirby." **Result:** An instance of SCP-1459-1 was deposited. The instance exhibited signs of anxiety for ██ seconds, before abruptly being vaporized by a luminous beam. **Note:** 7.3 kg of ash was dispensed. //That's more like it, but where's my cookie? -Dr. Branta// **Player:** Researcher Fujiwara **Statement:** "Hokuto Hyakuretsu Ken!" **Result:** Two robotic arms punched the instance of SCP-1459-1 exactly one hundred (100) times in the span of 6 seconds. Instance was seemingly unharmed for approximately 7 seconds, after which its head and abdomen swelled rapidly before exploding and covering the walls with blood. **Note:** //Nani? -Dr. ████████// **Player:** Researcher Fujiwara **Statement:** "ZA WARUDO!" **Result:** Instance of SCP-1459-1 produced along with an analog clock. A voice was heard shouting "THE WORLD," at which point the instance froze in place and the clock ceased functions. Fifteen (15) daggers descended from the top hatch before freezing in midair, followed by a road roller which also froze in midair. Robotic arms rapidly punched the road roller, forming several dents and moving it further down towards the instance. A voice was heard saying "And so, time flows again," after which the instance was skewered by the daggers and crushed by the road roller, which then exploded. Clock remained intact and resumed normal functions. **Player:** Dr. Mannister **Statement:** "Pulled apart as slowly and painfully as possible." **Result:** The front panel of SCP-1459 temporarily opened long enough for the SCP-1459-1 instance to escape. After a quarantine period, it was entrusted to the care of Wilson's Wildlife Solutions. **Note:** One graham cracker was dispensed, decorated with a list of nearby churches written in tuna-flavored icing. **Player:** Dr. Hadley **Statement:** "//Homestuck//." **Result:** Twelve instances of SCP-1459-1 were dispensed, wearing plastic horns of various sizes and shapes, each bearing a Western Zodiac sign in a certain color. After approximately 30 seconds, The Capricorn instance was given several weapons by a robotic arm and began to bludgeon, slash, and stab other instances to death. Each instance's blood was colored according to its sign. This continued until the Cancer instance used its paw to lightly tap Capricorn’s muzzle several times, apparently calming it. A white ball was then dispensed; the ball exploded, terminating the remaining instances. **Notes:** The cookies dispensed were shaped like pumpkins and had question marks on them. //[D8A EXPUNGED]. - Dr. Serket// **Player:** Dr. Kikandi **Statement:** "Death by Virgil." **Result:** A second instance of SCP-1459-1 (Bearded Collie) was dispensed along with the first. The second instance had a short blue jacket on and held a knife in its jaw. A robotic arm held down a speaker above the chamber. Second instance proceeded to attack the first instance for while the speaker commented on its effectiveness. After fifteen minutes, the second instance turned away from the first and dropped the knife, at which point the first instance exploded. Another fifteen minutes passed and the second instance was beaten to death with what appeared to be a cane. **Note:** The cookies dispensed had "Smokin' Sexy Style" written on them in red frosting and are pending anomalous analysis. //I should make this more clear next time. -Dr. Kikandi// **Player:** Dr. Kikandi **Statement:** "Death by Gospel." //(This is a substitute for the word 'Virgil' -Dr. Kikandi)// **Result:** A group of thirteen instances were dispatched, along with 6 pews, a pedestal, and a small book. One instance stood behind the pedestal, held the book aloft, and barked for thirteen hours as the other instances howled in response. All instances collapsed of exhaustion shortly thereafter. **Note:** Thirteen communion wafers were dispensed instead of cookies. //There we go. I was looking for something more akin to this. -Dr. Kikandi// **Player:** Dr. Redmond **Statement:** "Delete system 32." **Result:** An apparently stillborn instance of SCP-1459-1 was produced. For several minutes, mechanical hands attempted resuscitation. The movements became more and more agitated, then smacked the instance several times and pushed it through the trapdoor. **Note:** Instead of a cookie, one tablespoon of flour was dispensed. **Player:** Dr. Tyler **Statement:** "Random crit." **Result:** Two instances of SCP-1459-1 (-A and -B) were produced. SCP-1459-A wore a red coat with two orange symbols depicting rockets on the sleeves and a bandolier with three grenades. SCP-1459-B wore a blue fire-retardant suit and gas mask with two orange symbols depicting a flame on the sleeves, as well as a bandolier with 3 grenades; it also wielded a flamethrower. All clothes and weapons were consistent with the art style of the video game "//Team Fortress 2//". SCP-1459-B ignited SCP-1459-A, but SCP-1459-A launched a rocket, which shot red bolts of electricity. It impacted with SCP-1459-B, reducing it to little more than a pile of blood and organs. SCP-1459-A howled, apparently in triumph, but soon succumbed to the fire. **Player:** Dr. White **Statement:** Dr. White said [[[SCP-682|"SCP six eight"]]] and was abruptly punched in the mouth by the attending security guard. **Result:** A SCP-1459-A instance was produced. [[[SCP-068|A figure made of metal wire in the crude shape of a dog]]] appeared and touched the SCP-1459-A instance, causing it to die via an electric shock. The metal figure was then destroyed via the standard bludgeoning method. **Note:** Dr. White is banned from further testing with SCP-1459. **Player:** Dr. Ash **Statement:** "Death ray." **Result:** A SCP-1459-A instance was produced and the chamber was filled with water. A whiptail stingray (//Dasyatidae// family), with a white marking shaped like a canine skull on its skin, swam out of the bottom hatch and stung the SCP-1459 instance. **Player:** Dr. Ash **Statement:** "Stingray." **Result:** A SCP-1459-A instance was produced. The top hatch opened and a massive (0.5 meter long) wasp of unknown species emerged. The SCP-1459-1 instance became greatly distressed and started whimpering and pawing at the side of the chamber. The wasp then shot a faintly visible beam of light out of its stinger, setting the SCP-1459-1 instance on fire. **Player:** Dr. Ash **Statement:** "Tortured to death in the cruelest, most disgusting, most twisted, most humiliating, most traumatic, and most painful way possible." **Result:** No activity for five minutes; Dr. Ash then approached the machine and tapped on the side of the glass. A few seconds later a sound played from SCP-1459 indicating that this method had previously been used. **Player:** Dr. Walker **Statement:** "Killed in the least painful and traumatic way possible." **Result:** A SCP-1459-A instance was produced. The top hatch opened and started releasing a pale orange gas. Upon inhaling the gas, the SCP-1459-A instance seemed to become excited and started panting and wagging its tail. Over the next ten minutes its tail began wagging at an increasing rate until its speed far exceeded what should be biologically possible. After fifteen minutes the SCP-1459-A instance exploded into brightly colored confetti. **Note:** Cookie produced was a frosted sugar cookie. Dr. Walker notes this is her favorite type of cookie. **Player:** Dr. Peterson **Statement:** “[[[SCP-173]]].” **Result:** Two instances of SCP-1459-A were produced, the first of which wore clothing similar to standard D-Class uniforms, and the second of which was hairless and had been painted to resemble SCP-173. The first instance displayed agitation and attempted to stare at the other instance, which remained immobile. After approximately five minutes, a curtain descended over the instances. A scraping sound was heard, followed by a loud snap; when the curtain rose, the first instance was dead. The second instance remained motionless until the bottom hatch opened and it fell through. **Player:** Researcher Voct **Statement:** "An accurate translation of the Voynich manuscript." **Result:** Instance was bludgeoned with a large book whose cover read "Accurate translation of the Voynich manuscript". Book was dropped through the hatch with the dead instance. **Player** Dr. Ash **Statement** "Invasive surgery." **Result:** A sound played from SCP-1459 indicating that this method had previously been used. **Player** Dr. Ash **Statement** "Grief." **Result:** Five instances were produced. Instances played together for one hour, at which point four of the instances were terminated by default bludgeoning method. Bodies were not disposed of. Remaining instance sniffed and poked the bodies, then climbed atop them and began howling and whimpering nonstop. Observers noted that the instance manifested visible signs of malnutrition much more quickly than expected; after six days of whimpering and howling, instance starved to death. **Note:** Cookie was in the shape of a teardrop. **Player** Dr. Goldberg **Statement:** “Digging straight down.” **Result:** SCP-1459 filled with gravel, with an instance of SCP-1459 at the top. The instance dug a hole straight down until it reached the bottom of SCP-1459, at which point the walls of the hole collapsed and the instance suffocated. **Player:** Dr. Goldberg **Statement:** “Blown up by creepers.” **Result:** Several SCP-1459 instances manifested, all but one dressed as "creepers" from the computer game //Minecraft//. The creeper instances surrounded the non-creeper instance and exploded. **Player:** Researcher Evans **Statement:** "Burger King foot lettuce." **Result:** SCP-1459-A instance was placed into a small plastic bin of lettuce. Two robotic arms wearing black cap-toe dress shoes stomped on the SCP-1459-A instance repeatedly until it was crushed to death. **Player:** Dr. Lewis **Statement:** "Oh, hi, Mark!" **Result:** Several instances of SCP-1459-A are produced, and re-enact the events of what was subsequently identified as the 2003 film //The Room//, with all dialogue replaced by barking and other canine vocalizations. At the climax, when the character of "Johnny" (originally portrayed by the film's writer/director Tommy Wiseau) is supposed to shoot himself, an entity resembling the actual Tommy Wiseau manifested, patted the "Johnny" instance on the head, said "Hi, doggy!", took the gun from it, and then shot it and the other instances. Wiseau then left through the hatch. **Note:** No cookies were dispensed. Ongoing Foundation surveillance of Wiseau was interrupted by a series of technical failures at the time of this experiment; when surveillance resumed, Wiseau was eating cookies. **Player:** Dr. Alex Coleiro **Statement:** " [[[SCP-610]]]." **Result:** An instance of SCP-1459-1 was produced. A mechanical arm holding a piece of SCP-610 was introduced to the chamber, and made contact with the SCP-1459 instance. During the next 2 hours, the SCP-1459-1 instance underwent the process of SCP-610 infection and was disposed of via trapdoor. **Note**: Cookie produced was bright red; analysis revealed red color was the result of standard food coloring. **Player:** Dr. Kent **Statement:** "Anti-vax parents." **Result:** Five instances of SCP-1459-1 manifest: one wearing a lab coat, stethoscope, and head mirror, and wielding a syringe; one wearing a dress; and three newborns. The labcoat-wearing instance attempts to inject the newborns with the syringe, but is killed by the dress-wearing instance. The newborn instances then rapidly develop symptoms of canine distemper, as does the dress-wearing instance; 14 hours after the onset of symptoms, all instances have died. **Note:** Cookie dispensed contained numerous essential oils. **Player:** Doctor Margin **Statement:** "Everything you hate." **Result:** SCP-1459-1 instance manifests and is bludgeoned with a large plaque bearing the inscription "Everything I hate." **Note:** //Son of a bitch. I thought we might learn something useful! And who took my cookie? -Doctor Margin// **Player:** Junior Researcher Tawnes **Statement:** “John Wick.” **Result:** A man identified as actor Keanu Reeves, as he appears in the action movie //John Wick//, appears. Reeves draws a handgun, aims at the SCP-1459-1 instance, then begins weeping and drops the gun. He drops to his knees and embraces the instance. Both then fall through the trapdoor. **Note:** //I wouldn’t have expected any less, to be honest. -Junior Researcher Tawnes// **Player:** Junior Researcher Mistopheles **Statement:** “Weird Al." **Result:** A man identified as musician Alfred "Weird Al" Yankovic, as he appears in the music video for //Dog Eat Dog//, appears. Weird Al proceeds to perform the song //Dog Eat Dog// with a band consisting of instances of SCP-1459-1. Following the completion of the song, the instances of SCP-1459-1 proceed to attack each other, biting off portions and swallowing them, until only one instance remains. Weird Al then proceeds to consume the last remaining SCP-1459-1 instance in the same manner as the others, before leaving through the trapdoor. **Note:** //Jesus fucking Christ. If you like a famous person, do NOT put their name in this. I can't listen to Weird Al the same way ever again. -Junior Researcher Mistopheles// **Player:** Dr. A. Maliss. **Statement:** "Acausality." **Result:** A noise indicating this method had already been attempted. **Player:** Dr. A. Maliss. **Statement:** None. **Result:** A cookie is dispensed, and a deceased instance of SCP-1459-1 raises from the trapdoor to the upper hatch of the machine, spontaneously animating partway through its ascent. Dr. Maliss then speaks the word "acausality" for the second time. **Player:** Dr. Clef **Statement:** "Something I would do." **Result:** [REDACTED] **Note:** //You know what? I'm going to get Konny to use this thing. -Dr. Clef// //By unanimous decision of the O5 Council, Doctor Kondraki is banned from use of SCP-1459. -O5-█// **Player:** Dr. Margin **Statement:** "Something that will never happen." **Result:** SCP-1459-1 is bludgeoned with a copy of "//Half-Life 3//". **Note:** Dr. Margin's cookie has still not been found. **Player:** Dr. Sakamoto **Statement:** "Metroid." **Result:** A green, jellyfish-like creature latches on to the SCP-1459-1 instance, causing it significant distress as the creature proceeds to drain its bodily fluids. The creature detaches itself from the instance and floats up the top hatch. The instance, now a withered husk, disintegrates into dust. **Note:** Cookie emanated bright purple glow and had a rejuvenating effect on Dr. Sakamoto upon consumption. **Player:** Dr. Flipper **Statement:** “Dumb ways to die.” **Result:** A blue SCP-1459-1 was dropped into the compartment and spontaneously caught fire. The instance ran towards the front of the machine before bursting into flames. Another twenty instances of SCP-1459-1 manifested and were killed in various ways resembling the Australian advert “//Dumb Ways to Die//” by Metro Trains. After the final instance was killed, a hologram appeared on the back of the machine saying “Be safe around trains” underneath the Metro Trains logo. **Note:** The received cookie was in the shape of the character "Stumble" after his death in "//Dumb Ways to Die//". **Player:** Dr. Margin **Statement:** "Current events." **Result:** SCP-1459 filled with redcurrants and blackcurrants (genus //Ribes//) until SCP-1459-1 was crushed. **Player:** Dr. Margin **Statement:** "No, 'current' spelled with an E.' **Result:** SCP-1459 filled with copies of the 1985 jazz album "//Current Events//" by John Abercrombie, with Marc Johnson and Peter Erskine, until SCP-1459-1 was crushed. **Player:** Dr. Margin **Statement:** "No, I mean the news!" **Result:** SCP-1459-1 trampled to death by a herd of gnus (genus //Connochaetes//). **Player:** Dr. Margin **Statement:** "No! I mean, what's happening!" **Result:** SCP-1459-1 torn apart by five humans identified as the primary cast of the American situation comedy "//What's Happening!!//" (ABC, 1976-1979). **Player:** Dr. Margin **Statement:** "...you're doing this on purpose, aren't you." **Result:** SCP-1459-1 eaten by a spectacled porpoise (//Phocoena dioptrica//). **Note:** //All that, and no damn cookie. Not one. -Dr. Margin// **Player:** Researcher Lang **Statement:** "SPC-" (Note: SCP-1459 commenced test before Researcher Lang could finish speaking.) **Result:** SCP-1459-1 produced was wearing a plush shark costume. Several mechanical arms subsequently punched it to death. **Note:** //I swear, I didn't mean to say that! -Researcher Lang// **Player:** Janitor Lupasu **Statement:** "Massive anime ti-" (Note: Guards tased Lupasu before he could finish speaking.) **Result:** One instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced. Two large humanoids similar in appearance to Japanese anime characters "Mina Ashido" and "Naruto Uzumaki" sit at a large table with a kettle of tea on top. The tea kettle falls and crushes the instance. **Note:** Cookie produced was Sencha-flavored. **Player:** Junior Technical Writer Matthew Bradley **Statement:** "Acne." **Result:** One SCP-1459-1 instance is produced. The SCP-1459-1 instance rapidly develops large pimples all over its body, causing it great discomfort. As the SCP-1459-1 instance frantically scratches at itself and rolls around, trying to eliminate the pimples, the pimples rapidly swell up and burst open, spraying the sides of the chamber with pus and causing extreme bleeding until the SCP-1459-1 instance expires of exsanguination. **Notes:** Cookie dispensed was lemon-flavored and covered in white nuts resembling pimples. //After what I just witnessed, I don't have any desire to eat// anything //for today. -JTW Bradley// **Player:** Junior Technical Writer Bradley **Statement:** "[*https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dZUn97npxpQ Galeem]". **Result:** Several bolts of solid light emerged from one end of SCP-1459 and haphazardly impaled SCP-1459-1, leaving it stunned in pain and struggling to stand, but not terminated. Moments later, SCP-1459 was filled with a light that rapidly grew in intensity, visibly disintegrating the body of SCP-1459-1. Within roughly 4 seconds, the light within the chamber was far too bright for any activity to be observed, as anyone who looked at it would be temporarily blinded and any camera viewing it had its footage or photos completely whited out. The light faded after one minute, leaving absolutely no trace of SCP-1459-1 within the chamber, not even blood or viscera; it is likely that it was reduced to its constituent atoms and vaporized. The dispensed cookie was pure white, and SCP-1459 was unusually silent as the cookie was dispensed. **Note:** //AUGH!!! MY EYES, THEY BURN!!! This was a terrible idea!!! -JTW Bradley// //I'm surprised this worked. Maybe it's the wording? -Dr. Branta// **Player:** Junior Technical Writer Bradley **Statement:** "[*https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=UxqUB3bwCNs Dharkon]". **Result:** The light within SCP-1459 dimmed as though absorbed by a mysterious force, and SCP-1459-1's legs were impaled and pulled apart by several dark tentacles that emerged from the sides of the chamber, causing it to cry out in pain. Moments later, several more tentacles emerged from the bottom of the chamber and impaled SCP-1459-1's body, lifting it up into the air. SCP-1459-1 did not cry out despite bleeding profusely, and was likely terminated instantly by the destruction of its brain and heart. The tentacles began lifting SCP-1459-1's corpse into the hatch at the top of SCP-1459, while the light within the chamber continued to dim; within 4 seconds, the chamber's interior stopped reflecting light entirely, though thermal imagery showed the corpse of SCP-1459-1 vanishing into the space at the top of SCP-1459. The usual array of robotic arms emerged from the hatch and cleaned the chamber as normal. The chamber of SCP-1459 returned to normal lighting after one minute, by which time the corpse of SCP-1459-1 had been fully disposed of and the chamber had been completely cleaned. The dispensed cookie was pitch-black, as though charred; chemical analysis indicated that the cookie was not actually burnt. SCP-1459 was silent while dispensing the cookie. **Note:** //I don't think eating the cookie counts as chemical analysis. -Junior Researcher Lauren// **Player:** Agent Foxx **Statement:** "Please, just let me pet one." **Result:** An instance of SCP-1459-1, with an identification card reading "Scott R. Foxx", walked to the front of SCP-1459, and the front glass opened. However, when Agent Foxx reached for the instance, SCP-1459 abruptly shut and the instance was terminated via default bludgeoning. **Note:** Agent Foxx was restrained due to excessive aggression after assaulting SCP-1459. No cookie was dispensed. **Player:** SCP-076-2 (Note: This was an unauthorised test which took place during a breach of containment by 076-2. Upon finding SCP-1459, and reading testing logs left in the chamber when the research team evacuated, SCP-076-2 attempted to test the machine. The results were recorded by surveillance cameras.) **Statement:** "That bastard Cain getting what's coming to him." **Result:** Two instances of SCP-1459-1 appeared, one dressed to resemble SCP-073, the other dressed to resemble SCP-076-2. The 076-2 instance proceeded to brutally attack the other instance using its teeth, claws, and multiple weapons dispensed into the chamber. Upon the death of the first instance, the second was terminated via default bludgeoning. **Note:** SCP-076-2 was seen to cheer and clap during the termination, but became angry when the second instance was killed. Cookie could not be identified, as 076-2 ate it. 076-2 was subsequently recontained. **Player:** Dr. Cameron **Statement:** "SCP-4999." **Result:** One instance of 1459-1 appeared wearing military K9 tactical gear and appeared to collapse, at which point shutters lowered over 1459's viewing port. Five minutes later, they lifted. The 1459 instance had died of unknown causes while gnawing on what appeared to be a rawhide. A crushed cigarette could be seen on the floor of the viewing chamber. Chamber bottom emptied as normal. **Note:** Machine dispensed standard cookie, as well as one crushed cigarette butt. Cookie noted to contain traces of nicotine. **Player:** Dr. Morrell **Statement:** "YMCA." **Result:** One instance of SCP-1459-1 was bludgeoned, with horns playing after each hit. Five other instances, one dressed as a policeman, one as a soldier, one as a Native American, one as a construction worker, and one in a leather outfit, appeared and started barking rhythmically, as well as lifting their upper limbs to resemble the letters "Y", "M", "C" and "A", before all were rolled over by a giant cylindrical stone with the words "DISCO SUCKS" engraved in it. **Note:** Cookie had colored frosting resembling a rainbow. **Player:** Dr. Margin **Statement:** "Something that won't live up to the hype." **Result:** SCP-1459-1 is bludgeoned with a copy of "//Half-Life: Alyx//" and a VR Headset. **Note:** //Getting real tired of my cookie always going missing. -Margin// **Player:** Dr. Eilander **Statement:** "Anaphylaxis." **Result:** An instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced. A small Petri dish containing several shelled macadamia nuts is also produced. Distress is apparent in SCP-1459-1's reaction to the dish. SCP-1459-1 eventually slumps over on the ground. It can be concluded the nuts induced anaphylactic shock, which went untreated. **Note:** Dr. Eilander, being deathly allergic to tree nuts himself, experienced similar symptoms after the cookie was dispensed. Analysis of the cookie shows clear traces of almonds, walnuts, and macadamia nuts. It is unclear if SCP-1459 is aware of Dr. Eilander's allergy. He is expected to make a full recovery. **Player:** Researcher Lee Roy Carlson **Statement:** "Heart attack." **Result:** An instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced. It is followed by an entity resembling a [[[scp-058|canine heart with 4 arthropod-like legs, 4 spiny tentacles, and a sharp stinger]]]. The entity immediately attacked and terminated the SCP-1459-1 instance, before being returned through the upper hatch. **Note:** Dispensed cookie was in the shape of an anatomically correct heart. **Player:** Researcher Lee Roy Carlson **Statement:** "Scarlett Johansson's phone number." **Result:** SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used. **Note:** //Hey, it was worth a try. -Researcher Lee Roy Carlson// **Player:** Researcher Lee Roy Carlson **Statement:** "Yeah, we're totally going to Hell for this." **Result:** An instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced. It defecates a smaller instance that rapidly grows in size until it is approximately 10% larger than the original instance. The original instance then shrinks to 1% of its original size and is consumed whole by the new instance. This cycle repeats eight times; the final instance, twice as large as the original, defecates a miniature version of [[[SCP-2030]]]-1, which is wearing a large iron pot over its head. The entity retrieves a small hidden camera from under the SCP-1459-1 instance's tongue, then recites the following monologue: "Recursion is a funny thing, isn't it? Every time it's the same, but just a little bit different. Sometimes you get bigger, sometimes you get smaller, but always you get laugh! And isn't laugh fun? Laugh! Laugh! Smile and laugh and make the laugh and laugh your life!" The SCP-1459-1 instance then shrinks to 1% of its original size. The miniature SCP-2030-1 picks up the shrunken SCP-1459 instance, rolls it into a ball as if it is made of soft clay, and places the ball in its pocket. It is then lifted into the upper hatch by the mechanical arm. **Note:** Foundation-operated web analysis bot Delta-09 ("LAUGHSTOP") has yet to locate any episodes of SCP-2030 titled "Recursion" or depicting the events of this test. //Alright, enough fooling around. Let's do some science. -Researcher Lee Roy Carlson// **Player:** Researcher Lee Roy Carlson **Statement:** "Painlessly euthanized." **Result:** The instance of SCP-1459-1 was injected with a transparent, colorless liquid, and fell asleep. Five minutes later, the robotic arms prodded it; when it did not regain consciousness, it was removed. **Note:** //Now, I'm going to test the limits of what the machine recognizes as the same input.// **Player:** Researcher Lee Roy Carlson **Statement:** "Euthanized painlessly." **Result:** A sound played indicating that this method of termination had already been attempted. **Note:** //Changing word order does not count.// **Player:** Researcher Lee Roy Carlson **Statement:** "Euthanized without pain." **Result:** A sound played indicating that this method of termination had already been attempted. **Note:** //Nor does adding words without changing meaning substantially.// **Player:** Researcher Lee Roy Carlson **Statement:** "Euthanasia." **Result:** A sound played indicating that this method of termination had already been attempted. **Note:** //No synonyms. Now for some meta stuff.// **Player:** Researcher Lee Roy Carlson **Statement:** "Terminated by the same method used in the last successful attempt." **Result:** A sound played indicating that this method of termination had already been attempted. Despite this, a peanut butter cookie identical to the one dispensed after that test was produced. **Note:** //Interesting. The machine refused to repeat the attempt but it still rewarded me for creativity. I bet it won't work again, though.// **Player:** D-5783 (as instructed by Researcher Lee Roy Carlson) **Statement:** "[[[SCP-939]]]." //(Note: D-5783 was told that SCP-939 is a large, neon green octopus. It was definitively established that D-5783 has no knowledge of the real SCP-939.)// **Result:** An entity resembling a miniaturized SCP-939 specimen manifested. It imitated various canine noises before violently terminating the SCP-1459-1 specimen. It was then returned through the upper hatch. **Note:** //Interesting. Even though the player had no knowledge of SCP-939, the object was still able to generate the correct effect. This indicates that while the object is capable of reading minds (as seen with the various "something I would like" tests," it can also assess information from other sources. However, the "fubuki ni korosareru" tests also show that it has trouble objectively evaluating terms with more than one possible meaning. Later I intend to determine exactly how it finds this information - either by reading other minds beyond the subject's, or by somehow referencing objective information, or some other means entirely.// **Player:** Researcher Lee Roy Carlson **Statement:** "A ball of the same color as the one that I will next pull from this bag." **Result:** An SCP-1459-1 instance was produced, but no termination attempts occurred. Researcher Carlson waited for one minute before randomly drawing a ball from a small bag of multicolored balls. As soon as the ball was withdrawn, the SCP-1459-1 instance was crushed by a large red ball. **Note:** //The ball I drew was red, but I'm not sure if I noticed that before or after the instance was killed. Let's try that again, this time with my eyes closed.// **Player:** Researcher Lee Roy Carlson **Statement:** "A cube of the same color as the one that I will next pull from this box." **Result:** An SCP-1459-1 instance was produced, but no termination attempts occurred. Researcher Carlson waited for one minute before randomly drawing a cube from a small box of multicolored cubes. As soon as the cube was withdrawn, the SCP-1459-1 instance was covered in green spray-paint and forced into the shape of a cube by a device resembling a trash compactor. Upon hearing SCP-1459's post-game cleanup message, Researcher Carlson opened his eyes and determined that the drawn cube was indeed green. **Note:** //Alright, now we're learning things. First and foremost, we know it can't tell the future or it would have gone ahead and killed the instance before I drew from the bag. That's too bad, or we could have used it to predict containment breaches or something. We can also conclude that it didn't read my mind, since it knew what to do here even though I hadn't seen it yet.// **Player:** Dr. Willows **Statement:** "Apotheosis." **Result:** One instance of SCP-1459-1 was produced from SCP-1459's base on a rising cylindrical platform. SCP-1459-1 began whimpering and producing an intensifying white luminescence from its eyes. SCP-1459-1 then floated four inches from the base before convulsing and dropping limp on the platform. SCP-1459-1 remained unresponsive for 2 minutes as the glow from its eyes dissipated. SCP-1459-1 lapsed into a major convulsive fit for several seconds before dying. A mechanical arm dropped from the the ceiling panel of SCP-1459, grabbed SCP-1459-1's body, and retracted back into the panel. **Note:** One (1) wafer was produced. Aside from resembling a traditional communion wafer, surface was devoid of any indentations or designs alluding to any specific faith. **Player:** Major Kozlov **Statement:** "Ah, fuck off." **Result:** SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used. **Note:** Major Kozlov is a Russian prison guard working a side job for the Foundation, who arrived escorting several D-class personnel he recruited from a Russian maximum security prison for research regarding [[[SCP-554]]]. Major Kozlov is a native speaker of Russian and has received limited training in the English language. Major Kozlov was receiving a site tour of Sector-25 and was offered a try at SCP-1459. Foundation Guard Romson, with limited training in the Russian language, was overseeing and transcribing the experiments. The transcription was later enhanced by a Russian-language memetics specialist, who added explanations of the terminology used. **Player:** Major Kozlov **Statement:** "Ah, fucking fuck the fuck off." **Result:** SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used. **Note:** Major Kozlov scratched his head. At this point, Guard Romson told Major Kozlov that SCP-1459 understands foreign languages. Guard Romson recalled the work of Dr. Hong, documented in this journal, and explained it to the best of limited linguistic ability. Major Kozlov promptly initiated the next experiment. **Player:** Major Kozlov **Statement:** "Пошла на хуй!" ("Poshla na khui", a Russian version of "fuck off" that literally means "go onto a penis". Note that "go" is in the feminine imperative, as Major Kozlov apparently perceived SCP-1459 as a "машина" ("mashina" - machine) or other grammatically feminine term.) **Result:** One instance of SCP-1459-1 was produced. It stepped on a penis-shaped device. The device exploded, terminating SCP-1459-1. **Note:** A gingerbread cookie, similar to a Russian "pryanik", was dispensed; it was dry and plain. Major Kozlov nodded in apparent understanding. **Player:** Major Kozlov **Statement:** "Пошла на хуй, сука!" ("Poshla na khui, suka": as above, but with the word for "bitch" added). **Result:** SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used. **Note:** Major Kozlov appeared a bit surprised. Guard Romson suggested a hypothesis that the instance of SCP-1459-1 in the previous experiment was female. The hypothesis was later confirmed by analysis of the video recording. **Player:** Major Kozlov **Statement:** "Пиздой его накрой, хуёвина блядская!" ("Pizdoi ego nakroj, huevina blyadskaya". The first part is an instruction, read literally, to "cover him with a vagina", though "get covered with a vagina" - "пиздой накрыться"/"pizdoj nakrytsya" - is a common Russian euphemism for stuff going very wrong. The second part is a profane characteristic addressed at SCP-1459 as opposed to SCP-1459-1; translating the characteristic literally is somewhat hard, but it is a bit stronger and more refined than "motherfucking"). **Result:** An instance of SCP-1459-1 was produced, then covered with a flesh-coloured replica of a human vagina and suffocated. **Note:** A bigger "pryanik" was dispatched, complete with an elaborate inscription. Major Kozlov collapsed in convulsive laughter for several minutes immediately after viewing the "pryanik" and before consuming it. However, he covered the cookie with his palm and refused to allow photography. Analysis of the video revealed some letters, translated as "Well, you are a fu..." **Player:** Major Kozlov **Statement:** "Блядь, охуенная сука хуйня!" ("Blyad, okhuennaya suka khujnya". Literally "whore, marvellous bitch thing", except the words "marvellous" and "thing" are produced from the root "khuj" for "penis"; these word forms are common in Russian expletive speech, and any native Russian speaker would easily understand their meaning. The statement, immediately after recovery from the laughter, was obviously intended as an offhand comment commending SCP-1459, but SCP-1459 responded by initiating the experiment) **Result:** A typical instance of SCP-1459-1 (-A) was produced. A second instance of SCP-1459-1 (-B) then descended from the top hatch; this instance looked like an adult specimen of the Rough Collie with a marvellously beautiful mane. SCP-1459-1-B proceeded to devour SCP-1459-1-A, then was terminated by the standard bludgeoning method. Video analysis confirmed SCP-1459-1-B was female. **Note:** A small and dry "pryanik" was dispatched. Major Kozlov spent several minutes thinking with a smile and handwaved Guard Romson away when Guard Romson tried to intervene. **Player:** Major Kozlov **Statement:** [a high-speed sequence of Russian expletives that proved impossible to transcribe for either Guard Romson or the assigned Russian-language memetics specialist. The latter recommended outsourcing transcription to niche Russian subculture specialists "or a damn gopnik off the Runet". The recommendation was denied by the Site Overseer.] **Result:** SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used. **Note:** Despite the result, a larger and better "pryanik" was dispatched, with a graphic image of a male/male human couple copulating inscribed on the "pryanik". Major Kozlov refused to consume the "pryanik" and left the room indignantly. Chemical testing of the cookie followed, with Major Kozlov specifically requesting a test for human sperm, as he suspected SCP-1459 of using a deadly insult common in Russian prison subculture. The cookie contained no such contaminants and was found to be fully identical to instances of "pryanik" sold in an Eastern European store in London. The next day, after the Major's principal duties were discharged, an explanation of cultural differences was offered by Guard Romson, who notably used "geyropa" - a common Russian term meaning "gay Europe" and implying a new set of established norms in Western Europe. Major Kozlov reluctantly apologized for his indignation and offered to continue the testing. **Player:** Major Kozlov **Statement:** "Пешее эротическое путешествие." ("Peshee eroticheskoye puteshestviye", "an erotic walking trip" - a very common Russian ephemism for "go onto a penis", which is, as explained above, the Russian idiom similar to "fuck off") **Result:** SCP-1459-1, very visibly male despite having the appearance of a puppy, chased a small gas-emitting device with increasing speed, and eventually collapsed and died of exhaustion. A slight biological-type smell was felt in the room. Later comparison to samples revealed the smell to be that of a bitch (female dog) in heat. **Note:** A small ring-shaped piece of what looked like breadstick, but proved much harder than a typical breadstick, was dispensed. Guard Romson was confused as to the identity of the "cookie" and inquired of Major Kozlov, whose answer inadvertently triggered the next experiment. **Player:** Major Kozlov **Statement:** "Сушка" ("Sushka", a common Russian small hard cracknel) **Result:** SCP-1459-1 terminated by machine gun fire from a miniature plane with red stars on its wings. The plane was confirmed to be a scale model of a Sukhoi Su-25 close air support aircraft. **Note:** A regular cookie was dispensed. The Major confirmed that Sukhoi military planes are sometimes called "sushka". **Player:** Major Kozlov **Statement:** "Лагерь" ("lager'", "camp" in Russian. The soft "r" makes the word distinct from "lager" beer) **Result:** SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used. **Player:** Major Kozlov **Statement:** "Тюрьма" ("tur'ma'", "prison" in Russian) **Result:** SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used. **Player:** Major Kozlov **Statement:** "Нары" ("nary'", the type of plank bunks commonly used in Russian prison) **Result:** SCP-1459-1 terminated by several missiles fired from a miniature plane identical to the one in an experiment earlier that day. **Note:** Both Major Kozlov and Guard Romson were surprised by this result. However, later research determined that "NAR" is also a Russian abbreviation for "unguided aviation rocket" and "nary" is the colloquial plural for the abbreviation. **Player:** Major Kozlov **Statement:** "AK-47" (pronounced in Russian) **Result:** SCP-1459-1 resembling a Moscow Guard Dog (immediately recognized by Major Kozlov) is surrounded by several more instances of SCP-1459-1, which resemble various breeds later confirmed to be the Polish Hound (//Ogar Polski//) and the Polish Greyhound (//Chart Polski//). The instances proceed to attack and collectively terminate the first instance, then are terminated in by a hail of gunfire. Unusually, the background is illuminated with the number "1947". **Note:** A square fruit-and-oat cookie was dispensed, later confirmed to be a Polish Mazurka cookie. Major Kozlov recalled that the //Armia Krajowa// (Home Army), a Polish guerilla organization, was active against Soviet and pro-Soviet forces in Poland and Western Ukraine in 1947. **Player:** Major Kozlov **Statement:** "Автомат Калашникова" ("Avtomat Kalashnikova", literally "Kalashnikov automatic device", an official Russian name for the AK-47). **Result:** SCP-1459-1 is run over by a model car large enough to terminate it immediately. The look of the model car can be described as "retrofuturistic"; Major Kozlov at first mistook it for an old Soviet model named "Moskvich". **Note:** A regular round cookie was dispensed. The degree of surprise prompted personnel to use their mobile phones to research publicly available information. The research revealed that in the preceding weeks the Kalashnikov company [https://www.dw.com/en/kalashnikov-unveils-new-electric-car/a-45202288 had revealed] a prototype electric car; which the model matched. Neither personnel were aware of the model before the experiment. Like all electric cars, this car has an automatic transmission, known as "avtomat" in Russian. **Player:** Major Kozlov **Statement:** "Автоматическая винтовка Калашникова под патрон семь-шестьдесят-два" ("Avtomatickeskaya vintovka Kalashnikova pod patron sem shestdesyat dva", "Kalashnikov automatic rifle for the 7.62 [mm] round"). **Result:** SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used. **Note:** Major Kozlov slapped his side disappointedly but avoided expletive comments in order avoid starting a new experiment. At this point, Guard Romson, who has been thinking since the previous experiment, whispered a new idea to the Major, who nodded and stood aside. **Player:** Guard Romson **Statement:** "Kit." **Result:** A robotic arm opens a box, retrieves a variety of tools and bludgeons SCP-1459-1 with each of them until SCP-1459-1 expires. **Player:** Major Kozlov **Statement:** "Kit." **Result:** SCP-1459-1 falls into a body of water that rose from the bottom hatch. A miniature cetacean devours SCP-1459-1. **Note:** "Kit" ("кит") means whale in Russian. **Player:** SCP-554-2, formerly D-13845R, formerly Petro Poroshenko. **Statement:** "Kit." **Result:** SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used. **Note:** SCP-554-2 was a repeat-offender burglar in a Russian prison. Ethnically and culturally Ukrainian, he was not related to the then-President of Ukraine with whom he shared a name. He was recruited from a Russian prison by Major Kozlov and brought to Sector-25 for exposure to [[[SCP-554]]], in an experiment to find out whether records of President Petro Poroshenko would be affected by the erasing effect of a SCP-554-Boojum event. The records of the prisoner back in Russia would also be checked. While the experiment resulted in apparent failure, SCP-554-2 was asked to think of a unique adjective to add. **Player:** SCP-554-2 **Statement:** "Shchyryy kit." **Result:** SCP-1459-1 was viciously attacked by a feline creature resembling a common housecat and, following claw cuts that destroyed both of its eyes and also its nose, terminated by a bite to the throat. A review of records showed that the creature was not a housecat but an instance of //Felis silvestris lybica//, the African wildcat commonly considered to be the ancestor species of the housecat. **Note:** "Кiт" ("kit") is the Ukrainian word for cat. The exact similarity of "whale" in Russian and "cat" in Ukrainian is a subject of jocular Russian-Ukrainian conflict and is cited as a slogan in serious Russian-Ukrainian conflict. A cat was most likely requested in a previous experiment, resulting in apparent failure. "Shchyryy" ("щирий") is a Ukrainian adjective meaning "true, real"; it is a stereotypically Ukrainian word and is used for "true Ukrainian" patriots, often derisively. SCP-554-2 eventually underwent SCP-554-Boojum; records related to the President of Ukraine were not erased, significantly diminishing Major Kozlov's interest in the experiment. The Major soon departed; the Site Overseer's INFOSEC assistant expressed reservations about his motives and possible additional affiliation, and a report was submitted to O5 Command. Following Guard Romson's ingenious suggestion, he was promoted to to Junior Researcher, initially on a trial basis, while retaining his Level 2 security clearance. **Player:** Junior Researcher Winton **Statement:** "//Fortnite.//" **Result:** The SCP-1459-1 instance was left alone for two weeks, after which it was placed in a bus, lifted, and thrown to the ground. **Player:** Junior Researcher Winton **Statement:** "//Danganronpa//." **Result:** An instance of SCP-1459-1 was tied up and trapped inside a miniature rocket, which was launched by another instance, wearing a blonde wig with pigtails and a tie. At the height of its ascent, the rocket turned upside-down and fell to the ground at terminal velocity. The skeletal remains of the first instance fell out of the rocket. The second instance was then crushed. **Note:** The blood of the second instance was pink rather than red. **Player:** Junior Researcher Washington **Statement:** "Abduction." **Result:** SCP-1459-1 instance created. Remained idle for around 20 seconds until a van with an orca painted on the side drove into the chamber through the left wall, piloted by two other instances wearing orca costumes. The first instance was then flung into the van by an unseen force. The van ran through an anomalously created road tunnel for around a minute before seemingly crashing. A flaming wheel rolled out of the collision. According to Washington, the smoke emitted from the wheel formed the shape of an orca. Cookie dispensed was of the shape and color of an adult male orca whale. Taste described as similar to whale meat. **Note:** Junior Researcher Washington was forcibly restrained after unexpectedly entering an enraged state. While under restraint, he was seen to be ranting about "those damn orcas". **Player**: Junior Researcher Dr. Madden **Statement**: "A loophole that allows the SCP-1459-1 instance to live." **Result**: Two instances of SCP-1459-1 created. The first instance wore an orange jumpsuit, while the second was an English bulldog that wore a black robe similar to that worn by judges in the US legal system. The second instance barked for approximately 3 minutes, before the first was harmlessly released into a trapdoor at the bottom of SCP-1459. The second instance was then bludgeoned to death using the standard method. **Note**: Dr. Madden did these tests over video call on a private network, seeing how he was stationed at Site 19 at the time, and wanted to test if SCP-1459 can be used while in a different location. While cookie provided was standard, the SCP-1459-1 instance anomalously appeared on Madden's desk. Madden proceeded to vomit into a trashcan following completion of test, and then requested testing of the cookie for anomalous and/or harmful qualities. Cookie was deemed non-anomalous. //I mean, it's one thing to read about it, but to see it is... Christ. -Dr. Madden// **Player:** Junior Researcher Dr. Madden **Statement:** "Something that could somehow make me enjoy this." **Result:** The first SCP-1459-1 instance manifests, with a second entering through a door wearing a bathrobe. Both instances begin barking at each other in a moderate volume, with the first instance responding to the second aggressively. SCP-1459 then changes its environment to match that of a beach, while both instances of SCP-1459-1 "walk" to it. The second instance then proceeds to use SCP-1459 to produce a mechanical arm with a pistol (this behavior of a SCP-1459-1 instance utilizing SCP-1459 has not been observed before this test), which it then uses to intimidate the first instance into digging a hole and burying itself up to its neck. The second SCP-1459 instance then appeared to use SCP-1459 to produce a security camera to presumably record the first instance, as well as a television set showing footage of a third instance buried neck-deep in sand, while ocean tides splash on its face. The second SCP-1459-1 instance then exits through a trap door, leaving the first SCP-1459-1 instance buried in the sand as water manifests within SCP-1459 proper, eventually drowning the instance. The second instance remanifests as all water drains out. The scenery then changes into an indoor setting. The instance disrobes and proceeds to go into a shower. 2 more instances of SCP-1459-1 appear, hidden by lack of lighting with silhouettes similar to the first and third instances. The second SCP-1459-2 instance exits the shower, confronting the two new instances. The 2 instances are now viable, being visually similar to the first and third instances. However, they deviate in that their fur is now an aqua-green color, numerous barnacle-like growths appear around their orifices, and gargling water effecting the instances' vocalizations. The second SCP-1459-1 instance attempts to use SCP-1459 to neutralize the other instances through pistol shots, standard bludgeoning, a switch blade, and a flamethrower. None of these methods prove effective, causing the second instance to hide into a second room. The other instances manifest in the room using what is effectively the act of teleportation. The second instance begins mimicking the human behavior of laughter as the environment of SCP-1459 changes into various colorful patterns. SCP-1459 then proceeds to fill itself with sand, burying the second SCP-1459-1 instance up to its neck. The two other SCP-1459-1 instances disappear from SCP-1459 as the second drowns. **Note:** The normal message after completion of test included the phrase "Thanks for the ride, lady" after the standard message. The cookie anomalously appeared on Dr Madden's desk, was determined non-anomalous, and was flavored with sea-salt. When questioned, Dr. Madden explained that the test was a re-enactment of his favorite scene from the anthology horror-comedy //Creepshow//. **Player:** Researcher Philips **Statement:** "Alien." **Result:** Two instances of SCP-1459-1 manifest. The first is tied to an iron block. The second takes out a small notebook with the words "Vogon Poetry" written on it and proceeds to read it. The first screams in agony, tries to untie itself and constantly flinches. The ears of the first instance soon began to bleed and died shortly after. The second instance was then terminated by the standard bludgeoning method. The cookie was chocolate with the words "DON'T PANIC" written on it in banana icing. **Player:** Researcher Lee Roy Carlson **Statement:** "Schmoopalabopdinga." (A word made up on the spot, to test SCP-1459's response to statements that had no meaning) **Result:** A large rock, onto which the word "schmoopalabopdinga" had been carved, was dropped on the SCP-1459-1 instance, crushing it. **Note:** //That's cheating.// **Player:** Researcher Lee Roy Carlson **Statement:** "Keepaloflibdop." (Once again, made up on the spot) **Result:** The SCP-1459-1 instance was restrained by robot arms while a laser was used to burn the word "keepaloflibdop" into its flesh. Instance died of shock midway through the process. **Note:** //Cheap.// **Player:** Researcher Lee Roy Carlson **Statement:** "Smackatuniclockticon." (As before) **Result:** A piece of paper on which the word "smackatuniclockticon" had been written was continually used to administer numerous paper cuts to the SCP-1459-1 instance, causing it to bleed to death over the course of several hours. **Note:** //Well, it seems like the machine only has one way to respond to nonsense words. I was hoping to discover some form of input that it couldn't respond to, but it's too much of a smartass for that.// **Player:** Researcher W. Tea **Statement:** “Fanfiction.” **Result:** SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used. **Player:** Researcher W. Tea **Statement:** “Bad fanfiction.” **Result:** SCP-1459 shook violently for approximately thirty (30) seconds, then dispensed multiple instances of SCP-1459-1 wearing dog-fitted school uniforms resembling those from the //Harry Potter// universe. All instances were either golden retrievers or black labs. Several of the black labs had dyed fur, piercings, or both. SCP-1459 produced a subtitle generator, and proceeded to run a series of increasingly nonsensical //Harry Potter// themed skits with the SCP-1459-1 instances. Subtitles were often subject to basic spelling and grammar mistakes, which increased in frequency throughout the duration of the test. Skit topics included a romance between two of the black labs, several scandals involving almost every SCP-1459-1 instance, and an increasingly confusing subplot involving vampires. All instances resembling characters from the //Harry Potter// franchise were noted to act very out of character. Test ran for 12 hours, after which every SCP-1459-1 instance was terminated via flamethrower. Most supervising researchers agreed that watching this test was “horrible, but surprisingly entertaining.” **Note:** A recorder cover of MCR’s “//Welcome To the Black Parade//” was played over closing statements. //Honestly, that was funnier than I expected for my first 1459 test. Poor puppies... -Researcher W. Tea// **Player:** Researcher Maytus **Statement:** "Mister Rogers." **Result:** A door opened inside SCP-1459 and a coffin with a single SCP-1459-1 rolled inside. Said instance was deceased but appeared to be curled up in sleep. Soft music began playing and the voice of the late Fred Rogers gave a sermon about the life of SCP-1459-1, its death, and how its death might affect those who had known it. Rogers also provided advice on grief management, and recommended that those who had known SCP-1459-1 should cherish its memory. Rogers then addressed the observers by name, noting that while he "certainly [did] not want any of you to go to Hell," he was nonetheless "very, very disappointed in everyone." The coffin then exited via another door. **Note:** Cookie dispensed was in the shape of a trolley car. **Player:** Junior Researcher Allenholm **Statement:** "The Mandalorian." **Result:** SCP-1459's mechanical arms spent a period of 2 hrs. building what appeared to be a small replica of the spaceship //Razor Crest//, from //The Mandalorian//. After the ship was finished, an SCP-1459-1 instance appeared. The instance appeared to be an 8-week-old male Saint Bernard, yet was small enough to fit inside the vessel. Donning a small silver helmet, the instance (along with more shrunken instances) reenacted all the episodes of //The Mandalorian//, without stopping. After all episodes had been reenacted, all instances died of exhaustion. **Player:** Researcher Lee Roy Carlson **Statement:** Researcher Lee Roy Carlson performed a portion of "Careless Whisper" on tenor saxophone. **Result:** SCP-1459 began playing a recording of "Careless Whisper". Two instances of SCP-1459-1 (one male, one female) were produced. The two instances played together for a few minutes, until the female instance grew tired and fell asleep. SCP-1459 then produced another female instance, which played with the male instance for several more minutes. The first female instance then awakened, at which point she began barking angrily at the other two instances before sitting down at the corner of the booth, facing away from the others. The male instance returned to the original female instance and attempted to play with her, but she ignored him. While the male instance was attempting to play with the first female instance, the second female moved to the opposite corner and sat down, facing away. The male instance then returned to the second female and attempted to play with her, only to be ignored once again. The male instance paced a circle in the booth, whining, then sat down at the center and howled. The song then ended, and all three instances were immediately terminated via the default bludgeoning method. **Notes:** //I performed this test to establish further limits on what the machine recognizes as input. We knew from earlier entries that it can respond even to made-up-words, onomatopoeia, and incoherent screaming; now we know it doesn't even need the input to come from a human voice.// **Player:** Researcher Lee Roy Carlson **Statement:** Researcher Lee Roy Carlson played a portion of the song "Gangplank Galleon" from his cell phone. **Result:** A single SCP-1459 instance, wearing a small red necktie emblazoned with the yellow letters "DK", was produced. It was then crushed by a cannonball dropped from the top of the machine. Dispensed cookie was banana-flavored. **Notes:** //The input doesn't have to be directly generated by humans at all, apparently. However, this song was still composed by a person. I wonder if animal noises work?// **Player:** "King", Researcher Lee Roy Carlson's pet scarlet macaw. **Statement:** "Alexa, order birdseed." **Result:** Instance was crushed by a large bag of birdseed. **Note:** Dispensed cookie consisted almost entirely of birdseed. **Player:** "King", Researcher Lee Roy Carlson's pet scarlet macaw. **Statement:** [loud squawking] **Result:** A single SCP-1459-1 instance was produced, followed by a large group of scarlet macaws. The macaws attacked, killed, and ate the instance, then flew back into the top hatch. **Player:** Dr. Nolan **Statement:** "Ice Nine." **Result:** SCP-1459-1 was bludgeoned to death by a copy of //Cat's Cradle// by Kurt Vonnegut. **Player:** Dr. Brine **Statement:** "Bruh." **Result:** Produced instance vocalized the phrase "Bruh", after which it died from an unknown cause. **Player:** Junior Researcher Ericson **Statement:** "Silence is golden." **Result:** SCP-1459-1 instance was crushed by a golden statue carved to resemble acoustic foam that dropped from the top hatch. **Player:** Junior Researcher Alexander **Statement:** "My bare hands." **Result:** SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had been previously used. **Player:** Junior Researcher Alexander **Statement:** "My gloved hands." (Spoken while wearing no gloves.) **Result:** SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had been previously used. **Player:** Junior Researcher Alexander **Statement:** "My gloved hands." (Spoken while wearing gloves.) **Result:** SCP-1459-1 reacted as if being strangled. Junior Researcher Alexander reported no feeling of SCP-1459-1's fur. **Player:** Junior Researcher Ericson **Statement:** "Medusa." **Result:** A single SCP-1459-1 instance was produced. Within seconds of the instance manifesting, its fur began visibly lengthening; within two minutes, tendrils of fur began moving autonomously. After five minutes, the instance was strangled by its own fur. **Player:** Dr. Wendover **Statement:** "The aristocrats." **Result:** [REDACTED FOR BREVITY] **Note:** //Requesting a dosage of Class-A amnestics. -Dr. Wendover// **Player:** Researcher Dr. A. Black **Statement:** "Hunger." **Result:** SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had been previously used. **Player:** Researcher Dr. Bream **Statement:** "Acid rain." (Said in American Sign Language.) **Result:** A storm cloud rained caustic acid on SCP-1459-1 until it expired from chemical burns. **Notes:** It appears SCP-1459 can interpret visual input. **Player:** Researcher Dr. Bream **Statement:** A prepared cue card with the text "acid bath". **Result:** SCP-1459 did nothing for the remainder of the 15 second input window. SCP-1459-1 was terminated with the default bludgeoning method. **Player:** Researcher Dr. Bream **Statement:** Using a blank cue card, Dr. Bream wrote the text "acid bath". **Result:** A bath tub full of caustic acid manifested from the bottom hatch. A robot arm picked up SCP-1459-1 and dropped it inside the tub. SCP-1459-1 dissolved into the liquid over the course of four hours. Cookie dispensed was a spicy citrus cookie with a similar flavor to the Warheads brand of candy. **Player:** Researcher Dr. Bream **Statement:** A prepared cue card with the statement "use a [blank] to cut the puppy into small heart shapes". Dr. Bream wrote "laser" in the blank area. **Result:** A laser was used to bisect SCP-1459-1 from the snout to the tail. The corpse was disposed as usual. **Notes:** It appears SCP-1459-1 only accepts inputs actively made during the input window. **Player:** Researcher Dr. Bream **Statement:** A prepared computer cued to a portion of the "hammer girl and baseball bat man" segment of //The Raid 2// was brought in. Dr. Bream took three seconds to write "do this" on a cue card and pressed play. **Result:** SCP-1459 reenacted the fight using three SCP-1459-1 instances for exactly twelve seconds. A robotic arm then grabbed a hammer and bludgeoned all three to death. **Player:** Researcher Dr. Bream **Statement:** A prepared cue card reading "Gunpowder Buffet: Choking on a hundred bullets" was made. Dr. Bream wrote "Gunpowder Buffet" on a blank cue card. **Result:** A robotic arm force fed SCP-1459-1 bullets. After twenty, it appeared to die of asphyxiation. The robotic arm continued to insert bullets into the instance until exactly one hundred bullets were inside the distended corpse. **Player:** Researcher Dr. Bream **Statement:** A twenty-page document detailing an extremely specific execution method involving [REDACTED] titled "The Gamma Jason Everest Procedure" was prepared. Dr. Bream wrote the title on a cue card. **Result:** After completion of the sentence, SCP-1459 shut down as if power was cut for three seconds. Upon powering back up, SCP-1459-1 was terminated with the default bludgeoning method. **Notes:** The language in the document appeared to have numerous errors and contradictions making the method impossible to perform. **Player:** Researcher Dr. Bream **Statement:** A revised version of "The Gamma Jason Everest Procedure", approved by the Foundation's Legal department, was prepared. Dr. Bream wrote the title on a cue card. **Result:** After completion of the sentence, SCP-1459 shut down as if power was cut for three seconds. Upon powering back up, SCP-1459-1 was terminated with the default bludgeoning method. **Notes:** There might be a limit to how much information SCP-1459 can process. Advise further testing. **Player:** Researcher Hummel **Statement:** “The Thing.” **Result:** A large shirtless humanoid whose skin appeared to be made entirely of orange rocks emerged from the upper compartment, yelled "It's clobbering time!", and bludgeoned the instance of SCP-1459-1 with its fists. **Note:** Cookie had a large "4" on it. **Player:** Researcher Hummel **Statement:** "No, the Thing from the John Carpenter movie. The one that was based on the John W. Campbell story." **Result:** SCP-1459-1 lay down on the floor of the device, at which point its scalp split apart and curled away from the exposed skull in a flowering shape. SCP-1459-1 began convulsing until its skull dropped from its body, revealing a mass of tendrils that flailed autonomously from the rest of the subject’s body. The skull then grew appendages ending in rudimentary paws, and a pair of segmented limbs, and began climbing the inner walls of the device. A mechanical arm with a flamethrower nozzle then emerged from the ceiling of SCP-1459 and incinerated SCP-1459-1 and the skull completely. **Note:** Two (2) cookies were dispensed as a single mass with clear structural defects. **Player:** Researcher Lane **Statement:** "Dr. King." **Result:** A man wearing a labcoat, stethoscope, head mirror and crown presents certification stating that he is royalty and a qualified doctor of neurosurgery. He then bludgeons the instance of SCP-1459-1 with a scepter. **Note:** //Given Edison's previous testing resulting in - once again - apple seeds, I wondered what would happen if someone just said his name. Let me try his full name. -Researcher Lane// **Player:** Researcher Lane **Statement:** "Dr. Edison King." **Result:** SCP-1459-1 is approached by a man resembling Thomas Alva Edison, wearing a crown and lab coat. Thomas Alva Edison conducts several unethical experiments upon SCP-1459-1, all involving electricity. This continues for thirty minutes until SCP-1459-1 is deceased. **Player:** Dr. Markov Bingham **Statement:** “What’s the deal with airline food?” **Result:** SCP-1459 revealed an instance of SCP-1459-1 suspended in the air, surrounded by clouds. As it remained aloft, a miniaturized Boeing 737 emerged from the haze and sucked SCP-1459-1 through its left jet engine, killing it instantly. **Note:** The message //“Thank you for flying with us today!”// appeared on the digital numeric display. Cookie was dispensed in a bag which also contained a flight attendant cap, on which was printed “YWTGTHFT Air”. **Player:** Researcher Miller **Statement:** "I will become back [sic] my money." **Result:** Two SCP-1459-1 instances are lowered into the central chamber. The first instance explodes into numerous paper banknotes equating to 50 USD, followed by the second being terminated via the default bludgeoning method. 10 seconds later, the second instance is revived and transformed into an adult Holstein cow (//Bos taurus//), and again being terminated via the default bludgeoning method. **Player:** Dr. Esclovich **Statement:** "Yo mama." **Result:** Several SCP-1459-1 instances appear wearing vests with "YWTGTHFT" written across them. they gather around the center of the area and seem to "build" a smaller version of SCP-1459 (how this task was accomplished is unclear, as there were too many instances blocking the view). One of the instances barks at the smaller machine, which manifests a mouse inside of itself that is then bludgeoned to death, following which a dog treat was dispensed. The SCP-1459-1 instances appear to celebrate, before all are terminated by the default bludgeoning method. The smaller SCP-1459 then ascended via unknown means through the top hatch. **Note:** Cookie dispensed was shaped like SCP-1459. **Player:** Dr. Esclovich **Statement:** "The 70's." **Result:** SCP-1459-1 instance shows signs of extreme age, beyond what is possible for a canine. Instance perishes almost immediately after creation, and proceeds to fall down bottom hatch. **Note:** Cookie dispensed was stale. **Player:** Dr. Esclovich **Statement:** "The 1970's." **Result:** Instance produced is burned rapidly via flamethrower. **Note:** Cookie dispensed was burnt. **Player:** Dr. Esclovich **Statement:** "The decade known as the 70's." **Result:** Two instances are produced, one dressed in Roman legionary armor and one dressed in clothing reminiscent of Germanic tribal armor. The two engage in combat, simultaneously killing each other after a period of 8 minutes. Both bodies drop down the bottom hatch. **Player:** Dr. Esclovich **Statement:** "The decade known as the 1970's." **Result:** A small 1974 Ford Mustang carrying three instances drops into the chamber. Each instance is wearing a different outfit stereotypical of the era, and the car radio is playing //Roundabout// by the band Yes. One of the instances is shown smoking an unknown substance, and falls out of the vehicle shortly after doing so. Instance is unmoving, likely dead. The instance in the driver's seat appears to be very responsive to the song, bobbing up and down to the rhythm. The car spontaneously indents itself in a manner similar to a car crash, terminating the "driver" and forcing the the remaining instance to leave. A small paper drops down from the top hatch in front of the instance with the word "DRAFT" written upon it. A fourth instance (of the Bac Ha breed) emerges from below the crashed vehicle (likely coming from the bottom hatch) with a pistol strapped to its side. The fourth instance shoots the remaining of the original three, and is then sprayed with napalm by the machine. Everything falls through the bottom hatch. **Note:** Cookie dispensed was laced with LSD (proven via oral examination by Dr. Esclovich). Dr. Esclovich has been banned from further use of SCP-1459, and has been readmitted to rehab. **Player:** Dr. Lan **Statement:** "Jiang Wen." (A famous Chinese director and actor.) **Result:** Two SCP-1459-1 manifested and barked at each other for 3 minutes, at which point a curtain obscured the view for a moment before lifting, revealing another two SCP-1459-1 instances lying down together quietly. The curtain covered the walls several times, the scene changing each time it was lifted. Finally, one of the SCP-1459-1 hanged itself. The song //The Sun Also Rises// by Hisaishi Jō was played, followed by the ending message. **Note:** Cookie dispensed with a note reading "We killed the dog for the cookies!" **Player:** Dr. Cobalt **Statement:** "Go to Heaven." **Result:** SCP-1459-1 sprouts two small wings and flies up into the hatch of SCP-1459. Nothing happens for 5 minutes before SCP-1459-1 falls from the hatch, dying on impact. **Note:** Cookie dispensed was a Rogaliki, a type of Polish Cookie. **Player:** Dr. GS **Statement:** "NANOMACHINES, SON!" **Result:** Two instances of SCP-1459-1 appeared. One had spiky silver fur and was encased in cybernetic armor, save for part of its face; the other was a muscular and short-furred bulldog. The two began fighting, but the bulldog showed no reaction to the cyborg dog's attacks, until the cyborg dog picked up a red katana. Unidentified rock music began playing from SCP-1459 as the cyborg attacked the bulldog and ripped its heart out. The cyborg was then terminated with the normal bludgeoning method. **Note:** The cookie dispensed was colored red and had the shape of an exclamation mark. **Player:** Dr. Stromm **Statement:** "Raimi memes." **Result:** A clump of dirt was fired into SCP-1459-1's eye at high velocity, killing it instantly. An entity resembling actor Willem Dafoe wearing a lab coat then appeared and retrieved SCP-1459-1. **Note:** A slice of pepperoni pizza was dispensed instead of a cookie. **Player:** Dr. Cornish **Statement:** "Kryptonite." **Result:** The SCP-1459-1 instance resembled a juvenile version of the DC Comics character "Krypto the Superdog", complete with a red cape with a yellow Superman logo. A mechanical arm extended from the top hatch, holding a glowing green rock. The SCP-1459-1 instance collapsed after 5 seconds of exposure and died of apparent radiation poisoning after a minute. **Note:** The cookie dispensed was diamond-shaped and had an S written on it in red frosting. **Player:** Dr. Packard **Statement:** "Bad writing." **Result:** SCP-1459-1 instance is crushed beneath several hundred copies of //Ulysses// by James Joyce. **Player:** Dr. Packard **Statement:** "Bad writing, but pick a choice that isn't low-hanging fruit." **Result:** SCP-1459-1 instance is bludgeoned to death with a copy of //The Great Gatsby// by F. Scott Fitzgerald. **Player:** Dr. Packard **Statement:** "Actually godawful writing and I swear to god if you pull out a James Patterson novel I am going to scream." **Result:** SCP-1459-1 instance is bludgeoned to death with a novel which was not recognized by any researchers present. Due to the speed at which the bludgeoning occurred, the title could not be distinguished, but the author was clearly listed as Dr. Packard. **Player:** Dr. Jerald Dino **Statement:** "[[[SCP-153]]]." **Result:** One instance of SCP-1459-1 was dispensed, along with a miniature bathtub. A mechanical arm placed the instance in the bathtub and turned the water on. Moments later, an organism resembling a miniaturized SCP-153 specimen attacked the SCP-1459-1 instance. After a brief struggle, the SCP-153 specimen liquefied the SCP-1459-1 instance, before leaving through a floor hatch. **Player:** Dr. Jerald Dino **Statement:** "What SCP-153 used to be." **Result:** Two instances of SCP-1459-1 are dispensed, one holding an item that resembles [https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/decomm:scp-153-d SCP-153-D] in its mouth. The first instance appears to be possessive of the item and is incredibly hostile to the second instance. After a while, the first instance mauls the second one to death. After this, a mechanical arm holding a Kilij sword stabs the first instance. A floor hatch then opens to reveal a trash bin, to which another mechanical arm appears, grabs the item, and tosses it in the bin, before disappearing. **Player:** Junior Researcher Lauren **Statement:** "The One Ring. From //Lord of the Rings//." **Result:** A number of SCP-1459-1 instances acted out the entirety of //The Lord of the Rings// by J.R.R. Tolkien, manifesting and demanifesting as necessary for scene changes. All dialogue (including song) was replaced by barking and other vocalizations, while costumes, props, and special effects appeared identical to those used in the movie series. Notably, the events of the narrative reflected those of the book, not the movies. The performance went on continuously for 14 hours, at which point all instances still present were terminated with the default bludgeoning method and cleanup occurred as normal. The performance did not pause when personnel left to acquire food or relieve themselves, necessitating a recap of missed events when they got back. An estimated 100,000 cookies were produced at the experiment's conclusion; upon testing, it was discovered that each one provides a full day's worth of nutrients. Request to use cookies as field rations --pending-- denied. **Note:** //Honestly I just wanted to see a Gollum puppy. -Junior Researcher Lauren// //The next JR I catch using this thing for movie night is getting transferred. Where the hell are we supposed to put all these cookies? -Dr. Freeman// **Player:** Junior Researcher Sain **Statement:** "Stormtrooper." **Result:** A gun on the end of a mechanical arm emerged from the wall of the chamber, taking and missing six shots at SCP-1459-1 before the arm extended further and was used to bludgeon the SCP-1459-1 instance to death. **Player:** Junior Researcher Seth **Statement:** “Fall Guys” **Result:** Fifty (50) differently coloured instances of SCP-1459-1 were produced, each about half the size of an average SCP-1459-1 instance. A pink mechanical fan emerged from the roof of the chamber. The fan began spinning at a rate of ~20mph, taking twelve (12) SCP-1459-1 instances with it, killing them almost instantly. Four (4) SCP-1459-1 instances walked into the mechanical fan, causing them to be killed. The mechanical fan retracted into the chamber’s roof. A large pink cube emerged from the chamber’s roof, suspended by a white string. The string began spinning, as did the cube. The cube crushed seventeen (17) SCP-1459-1 instances. The string retracted into the chamber’s roof, as did the cube. A green cylinder emerged from the chamber’s roof, studded with blue cubes. The cylinder began rotating, and moving sideways. Eventually, sixteen (16) SCP-1459 instances were killed, and the cylinder retracted. The remaining SCP-1459 instance was terminated via the default bludgeoning method. Fifty (50) cookies were produced. **Player:** Junior Researcher Seth **Statement:** “A single blow to the back of the head” **Result:** A mechanical arm emerged from the chambers roof, holding a sphere with a mouth-like contraption attached to one side of it. The contraption spat a bullet at the back of the SCP-1459-1 instance’s head. A single dark chocolate chip cookie was produced. **Player:** Junior Researcher Cornwall **Statement:** “Tropism” **Result:** A single fern emerged from the chamber’s roof, inside of a ceramic pot. The fern grew at anomalously fast speeds, at grew directly towards the SCP-1459-1 instance. When the fern came into contact with the instance, it rapidly curled around it, resulting in asphyxiation. The fern was returned into the chamber’s roof, still curled around the SCP-1459-1 instance. The cookie produced had a distinct strawberry flavour. **Player:** Junior Researcher Seth **Statement:** “Infohazard” **Result:** [DATA EXPUNGED]. A second SCP-1459-1 instance was produced, holding a single sheet of paper. Analysis reveals that the sheet of paper held has text written on it that describes the previous events of the test. The instance looked at the [DATA EXPUNGED] and nodded. The SCP-1459 instance underwent severe mutations to it’s body. Fifty (50) pounds of ash were produced rapidly instead of a cookie. **Note:** Junior Researcher Seth was placed under temporary psychiatric leave. **Player:** Researcher N. Leinnes **Statement:** “Time Paradox.” **Result:** SCP-1459-1 walked into a box with the words “TIME MACHINE” painted on it. After leaving the box, it found an elderly instance of SCP-1459-1 and proceeded to bite it to death. After this, the first puppy disappeared and the elderly puppy reappeared. This chain of events repeated 1111 times before both puppies were bludgeoned to death by a mechanical arm. **Player:** Junior Researcher Bradshaw **Statement:** “Mitosis.” **Result:** SCP-1459-1 instance manifested showing symptoms of stage 4 canine lymphoma. Instance died two hours after manifestation. **Note:** Two cookies, fused together at one edge, were dispensed. **Player:** Junior Researcher Bradshaw **Statement:** “Sifting.” **Result:** SCP-1459-1 instance manifested and was then restrained by a mechanical arm. A second arm extended, holding a sieve. The SCP-1459-1 instance was forced through the sieve, resulting in its expiry two minutes into the process (which proceeded for another hour afterwards). At end of process, the instance's entire (though crushed) skeletal system remained in the sieve through unclear means. **Note:** Extremely fine cookie crumbs and chocolate chips were dispensed. **Player:** Junior Researcher Bradshaw **Statement:** “The video game DOOM.” **Result:** Several SCP-1459-1 instances and one rabbit, equipped with various miniature weapons, manifested. The SCP-1459-1 instances attacked the rabbit, which proceeded to shoot a number of the instances with a shotgun, eliminate several more a chainsaw, and kill the rest with a single shot from a weapon which produced an explosive ball of green energy. A port opened in the back wall of SCP-1459, revealing the head of a final SCP-1459-1 instance, a large English bulldog. The rabbit proceeded to leap onto the instance's head and tear its face off with its paws and teeth. After this, the lower hatch opened, and the rabbit leapt in, unharmed. **Note:** Ending message altered to state "Maybe you won't do so bad in Hell." **Player:** Junior Researcher Bradshaw **Statement:** “God, I'm a sick fuck. How am I gonna tell [REDACTED] about this?” **Result:** Two SCP-1459-1 instances manifested atop a dog bed. The first instance, a Golden Retriever with a collar labeled "[REDACTED] Bradshaw", whined at the second instance, a Rough Collie with a collar labeled "[REDACTED]", Junior Researcher Bradshaw's significant other. This resulted in a bout of barking between the two instances. The two instances left the dog bed, which was removed by a robotic arm, and wandered on opposite ends of the enclosure before rapidly succumbing to what appeared to be a highly accelerated version of Canine Transmissible Venereal Tumor (CTVT). **Player:** Junior Researcher Bradshaw **Statement:** “Okay, //first// of all, [REDACTED] is my //long-distance// partner, //second//, I //don't// have STDs, and //third//, how in the hell do you know my partner's full name? And appearance?!” **Result:** Two SCP-1459-1 instances manifested on opposite ends of the enclosure and were placed in miniature chairs at miniature desks with miniature laptops on top of each. Instances were separated by a wall. Instances were identical to the two instances manifested in the previous test. Video recordings of the test confirmed that the two instances were engaged in a Zoom call, and that the Golden Retriever instance also had an email open on its laptop from [REDACTED] Veterinary Clinic confirming its absence of canine STDs. The two instances barked at each other through the Zoom call, showing characteristic signs of excitement. Meanwhile, the central wall split in half vertically and both halves moved away from the center, dividing the enclosure into thirds; in the central room was placed a desk with the Foundation Department of Internal Security logo on its front, a laptop, and a third SCP-1459-1 instance, a Shiba Inu. The third laptop played live audio from the ongoing Zoom call between the other two instances, and the third instance pressed a key on its keyboard. Immediately, several SCP-1459-1 instances dressed in miniature body armor corresponding to standard-issue MTF armor burst into either room, gunning down both instances within. All remaining instances are executed via default bludgeoning method. **Player:** Dr. Ferris-Reiner **Statement:** “patter screamer" **Result:** Following the release of SCP-1459-1, the hatch elongated and a man of African descent wearing a double-breasted suit emerged. The man proceeded to sing "Mad Dogs and Englishmen" by Noel Coward at volumes of roughly 16█ dB, without mistakes in pronunciation and diction. The man was noted to be similar in appearance to the noted Broadway actor [REDACTED]. Dr. Ferris-Reiner was given headphones. SCP-1459-1 died of presumed internal bleeding. **Player:** Dr. Ferris-Reiner **Statement:** "ahem…**pattern** screamer" **Result:** Miniature rubber replica of [[[SCP-1050]]]-1 falls from the hatch and crushes SCP-1459-1's head. The impact produces a cartoonish "squeak" noise. **Note:** The recorded message has been replaced with a repetitive vocalization, resembling a shout, but very flat and unenthusiastic. In place of a cookie, a slip of paper with text was produced, which read "You're so boring and unoriginal." **Player:** Dr. Benabi **Statement:** "Acute Radiation Poisoning" **Result:** SCP-1459 dispensed a small metal rod next to SCP-1459-1. Mechanical arms then snapped the rod in half. SCP-1459-1 vomited 2 minutes later, then expired of an apparent heart attack. **Note:** Geiger counters indicated no signs of radiation outside SCP-1459's chamber. **Player:** Dr. Saturn **Statement:** "Abyssal Terrors." **Result:** SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used. **Player:** Dr. Saturn **Statement:** "Abyssal //Horrors.//" **Result:** SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of extermination had previously been used. **Player:** Dr. Saturn **Statement:** "Abyssal Pressure?" **Result:** SCP-1459's internal chamber was completely filled with water, followed by a loud groan. Under the assumption that the pressure within SCP-1459 could breach it, all personnel involved in the test were evacuated, and the containment chamber sealed. Standard recording footage captured the SCP-1459-1 instance, wearing an appropriately-fitted diving suit, slowly sinking from the top of the SCP-1459. After free floating for roughly eight minutes, the instance succumbed to the internal pressure, and imploded. **Note:** No structural damage was found on SCP-1459, and the order to evacuate the Wing was revoked. It is unknown where the groan originated, though it is theorized to be related to the failed tests immediately prior. A piece of saltwater taffy was produced instead of a cookie. **Player:** Researcher Evans **Statement:** "Philosophical zombie." **Result:** An SCP-1459-1 instance was produced, and disposed of in the default manner. No physical difference in the SCP-1459-1 instance was observed. **Note:** One frosted sugar cookie was dispensed. Upon further analysis, the cookie was determined to contain artificial sweeteners in lieu of sugar. **Player:** Dr. Chair **Statement:** "Fed to death" **Result:** Two robotic arms descended into the chamber, one holding a napkin and the other a spoon. A third arm appeared, holding a blender filled with what appeared to be an edible mixture. The arms proceeded to spend the next 52 hours feeding this mixture to SCP-1459-1, with the third arm retreating upwards and descending again with a re-filled blender after running out of supply. After 52 hours of constant feeding, SCP-1459-1 died of a ruptured stomach. **Note:** 1245 cookies, each of a different flavor, were dispensed. Each cookie had the message "Yeah, you're totally going to hell for this" written on it. **Player:** Dr. Chair **Statement:** "Fed to death... with eggs" **Result:** A mechanical arm proceeded to force a raw egg down SCP-1459-1's throat, causing it to choke on it. **Note:** In addition to a cookie, SCP-1459 dispensed one (1) boiled egg (unpeeled). **Player:** Dr. Chair **Statement:** "Just eggs" **Result:** Observing personnel failed to recall any memory of the experiment except for the fact that the results involved SCP-1459-1 dying and an extremely high quantity of eggs. Footage of the experiment was inconclusive. **Note:** The dispensed cookie contained traces of boiled egg yolk. **Player:** Jr. Researcher Sain **Statement:** "Portal, the video game." **Result:** SCP-1459-1 was dispensed into the chamber. The chamber began to rapidly fill with a greenish-yellow gas. After five minutes, the instance's eyes rolled up and it expired. **Note:** Instead of a cookie, a slice of black forest cake was dispensed. **Player:** Jr. Researcher Sain **Statement:** "Half-life 3." **Result:** SCP-1459 made no attempt to harm SCP-1459-1. After approximately five minutes, instance was pushed into a trapdoor. No cookie was dispensed. **Player:** Jr. Researcher Sain **Statement:** "Pacific Rim." **Result:** An entity resembling a small version of the in-universe Jaeger "Gipsy Danger" manifested along with SCP-1459-1, which was dressed in a costume resembling the kaiju "Otachi." A long and destructive battle took place over the course of the next hour or so, concluded by the entity resembling Gipsy Danger activating a retractable arm blade and eviscerating SCP-1459-1. **Player:** Dr. Howdyshell **Statement:** "Gold Rush" **Result:** SCP-1459's mechanical arms constructed a replica of a gold mine inside the chamber. SCP-1459-1 was dressed in a miner's outfit and equipped with miniature mining tools. The replica gold mine was filled with gold nuggets and rocks. SCP-1459-1 proceeded to engage in simulated mining activities within the chamber. After a period of time, a hidden mechanism caused the mine to collapse on SCP-1459-1, resulting in its death. No cookie was dispensed. **Player:** Jr. Researcher Morgan **Statement:** "Fascism." **Result:** Two instances of SCP-1459-1 manifested, one dressed in the uniform of the Voluntary Militia for National Security (colloquially known as the "Blackshirts") of Fascist-era Italy and carrying a miniaturized MAB 38 submachine gun. The instance dressed as a Blackshirt shot the other instance 40 times in the head and torso. SCP-1459 then produced twelve more instances of SCP-1459-1, carrying various types of firearms, which shot the Blackshirt instance a total of 53 times in the head, torso, and limbs. A robotic arm picked up the deceased Blackshirt instance by its hind feet and held it suspended in midair for one minute before dropping it through the trapdoor. The surviving twelve instances were then terminated via the default bludgeoning method. **Note:** Cookie dispensed was a sugar cookie in the shape of a fasces and striped with red, white, and green frosting (the colors of the Italian flag). **Player:** Dr. Saturn **Statement:** "Guillotin." **Result:** Two SCP-1459-1 instances manifested. An mannequin dressed as former Prometheus Labs engineer Alain Guillotin fell on one of the SCP-1459-1 instances, before suddenly animating and cracking the second instance's neck. Two madeleine cookies dispensed. **Note:** Dr. Saturn had mispronounced the chosen test statement. **Player:** Dr. Saturn **Statement:** "Math." **Result:** SCP-1459-1 manifested and was divided by anomalous means into four clouds of bone, fur, and viscera. Two of these clouds reformed into a new SCP-1459-1 instance, while the other two reformed into a distinct SCP-1459-1 instance. The resulting SCP-1459-1 instances were bludgeoned to death with a thick textbook titled "Principles of Mathematical Analysis." Three snickerdoodle cookies dispensed. **Player:** Dr. Xenola **Statement:** "Murder Drone" **Result:** SCP-1459-1 (indeterminate breed) was crushed by one (1) standard-sized drone remote control. SCP-1459 became idle for seven (7) hours before dispensing a cookie. **Note:** The machine dispensed one (1) fortune cookie, the fortune read "//we are not making a murder drone//" in bright red font. //That goddamn machine told me to stop, and the fortune cookies weren't that good! I demand another turn! -Dr. Xenola//