Link to article: SCP-466-J.
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[[>]] [[module rate]] [[/>]] [[=]] [[image krampers.jpg]] +++++ [SCP-466-J-A, prior to containment] [[/=]] [[include :scp-wiki:component:anomaly-class-bar-source |item-number= 466-J |clearance= 3 |container-class= keter |secondary-class= none |disruption-class= ekhi |risk-class= warning ]] **Special Containment Procedures:** SCP-466-J-A is kept in a standard sapient anomaly containment cell at Site-59. Based on observation, the only way to keep SCP-466-J-A from entering stress-induced cardiac arrest is through a thrice-daily prescription diet consisting of 2/3 goat kibble and 1/3 generic clonazepam. SCP-466-J-B cannot be contained, save for indirect containment through SCP-466-J-A. Every December 25th at 6:00:00 AM CST, Foundation are to deliver a crate filled with human ashes gathered from Foundation incinerators to a drop point 20 kilometers north of Grise Ford, Nunavut, Canada. The exact amount of ashes to be specified by SCP-466-J-A the night before. Failure to do so will result in SCP-466-J-B terminating SCP-466-J-A's employment and replacing it with a more reliable candidate, which will result in an incalculable loss of life. **Description:** SCP-466-J-A is a male goat[[footnote]](//Capra aegagrus hircus//)[[/footnote]] with an abnormally long lifespan, with its birth certificate[[footnote]](Submitted upon recovery along with Social Security Card, Passport, and other identifying documents)[[/footnote]] dated to December 25th, 1820. It is fully sapient and capable of speech, and answers to the name "Krampers P. Matthews, Jr." -- however, given its current mental state, it has expressed extreme reluctance in speaking with any human other than its therapist. SCP-466-J-A has been in the employment of SCP-466-J-B for a period of 120 years. The duties of this position are vague, but it has resulted in -A enduring 120 interrupted years of debilitating psychological trauma, resulting in PTSD, an extremely negative self-image, and a phobia of the sound of sleigh bells. SCP-466-J-B is a hostile, predatory entity of unknown origin. Every night at Midnight EST (with the exception of the night of December 25th), -B makes contact with -A through a plastic novelty telephone[[footnote]](In the shape of a candy cane held by the Disney character Goofy)[[/footnote]] appears in its cell. By request, -A has put all of its calls on speaker. > **Incident Log: 12/17/2025 Contact** > > <Begin Log> > > //[SCP-466-J-A sits in a pile of straw in its cell, blankly staring at the wall. It holds a forelimb against one of its spherical droppings.]// > > **SCP-466-J-A:** [[size 75%]]...mother of God, pray for us sinners now, and at the hour of our death. Amen.[[/size]] > > //[It nudges the dropping to a pile of 2,392 others it has counted that day, then grabs one it hasn't counted yet.]// > > [[size 75%]]Hail Mary, full of Grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for --[[/size]] > > //[The phone materializes.]// > > **Phone:** //DING DONG MERRILY ON HIIIIGH / OH GAWRSH, YOU GOT A PHONE CALL / PLEASE DON'T LEMME PICK IT UUUUP / I MIGHT SAY SOMETHIN' WEIRD, LIKE: / ["Goofy Yell" sound effect autotuned to the original song's "gloria"]// > > //[With a heavy sigh, 466-J-A hits the speaker button.]// > > **466-J-A:** I'm listening. > > **466-J-B:** Merry Christmas, Krampers! It's me! > > **466-J-A:** I-I'm aware, sir. I don't exactly get other callers. > > **466-J-B:** Oh, that's true enough! Ho-ho-ho! How are you feeling tonight? > > **466-J-A:** //[Smiling like a threatened ape]// Holly Jolly as usual, sir! > > **466-J-B:** Fantastic! Listen: the big day is almost upon us. We gotta get through these next few sections of the ol' N-and-N at supersonic speed. Onto the P section! > > **466-J-A:** I thought we were on the Ms. > > **466-J-B:** Eh, well, seeing as we're on a bit of a time crunch, I figured it best to just have you let God sort out the M-through-Os. Besides, when's the last time you saw someone named Monty or Oliver doing something nice? Names like those just scream "douchebag alert," am I right? Ho-HO! > > //[J-A's left eyelid twitches.]// > > **466-J-A:** I suppose so, sir. > > **466-J-B:** Now on to business... Ah, yes. Paisley Alvarez, San Francisco, CA. Eight. Female. Superb dental hygiene. Straight A's. Wants to be a doctor when she grows up. Aww... I don't suppose you could ignore that one, could you? > > **466-J-A:** G-gladly, sir. > > **466-J-B:** Nice it is, then! Hmm... Pamela DeQuidt, Elgin, IL. Twelve. Female. ... Called her mother the B word for taking away her Xbox privileges. > > **466-J-A:** Oh, uh, real shame. I would recommend a stocking full of coal, and maybe -- > > **466-J-B:** Liquidate. > > **466-J-A:** Understood. > > **466-J-B:** Next up, the Robertson triplets of Raleigh, NC! All female, all eight, all P-words! Ho-ho-ho! > > **466-J-A:** Heh. Uh. Their parents must have a real sense of humor. > > **466-J-B:** One of them flunked a math test. Liquidate all three. > > **466-J-A:** All three?! > > **466-J-B:** The other two had every opportunity to hold her accountable. > > **466-J-A:** ...Understood. > > **466-J-B:** And up next... oh-ho-ho-HO! Patrick P. Partridge of Pensacola, FL! Male, four! All his name's a P, his city's a P -- but never once has he EATEN his peas! Okay, you've got battery acid clearance for that one. > > **466-J-A:** ... > > **466-J-B:** Something wrong, Krampers? > > **466-J-A:** ...Question. > > **466-J-B:** Yes, of course! > > **466-J-A:** What would you say if someone hadn't once eaten peas in 32 years? > > **466-J-B:** Oh, for shame, for shame! I'd give them a stern talking-to if I were you. > > **466-J-A:** A talking-to? > > **466-J-B:** Of course! Because at that point, they'd be at least 32 years old. An adult ought to know better than to disregard nutritional health. > > **466-J-A:** So... an adult would know better. > > **466-J-B:** Yes. > > **466-J-A:** And therefore should be held to higher standards than a child, who would //not// know better. > > **466-J-B:** Yes, that's reasonable enough. > > **466-J-A:** ...so if a child doesn't eat peas -- > > **466-J-B:** Exterminate, yes. > > **466-J-A:** ... > > **466-J-B:** ... > > **466-J-A:** I'm not sure I understand, sir. > > **466-J-B:** What's not to get? Naughty children don't deserve peace, Christmas cheer, or quarter as defined by the Geneva Conventions! They have to learn from their mistakes and grow up. > > **466-J-A:** With all due respect, sir, I do not believe anyone you've had me deal with has grown up. > > **466-J-B:** Evidently! That's where you come in! > > **466-J-A:** No, I mean, they don't grow up //after// I have dealt with them. > > **466-J-B:** I don't think I follow you... > > **466-J-A:** ... > > **466-J-B:** Oh, come on, Krampers, where's your Christmas spirit? What's wrong with giving the kids a little bit of a scare to set 'em on the right path? Where would //A Christmas Carol// be if it weren't spooky? It's a time-tested tradition! > > **466-J-A:** My orders are explicitly to take it a few steps beyond "scare," sir. > > **466-J-B:** Correct! Moving on -- Peter Walters, 13, Baltimore, MA. Hmm... I distinctly remember this one being on the Naughty List last year for dirty fingernails. > > //[-A's legs stiffen.]// > > **466-J-A:** Well. Um. Hopefully, he's learned the errors of his ways, sir. > > **466-J-B:** Hopefully. ... You know, he seems to still have a pulse. > > **466-J-A:** Huh. Wow. You don't say. > > **466-J-B:** ... > > **466-J-A:** ... > > **466-J-B:** ...why does he -- > > **466-J-A:** //SHOPLIFTING!// > > **466-J-B:** Eh? > > **466-J-A:** //He shoplifted a pulse from Wal-Mart after I took it from him!// > > **466-J-B:** He WHAT?! Oh, for shame! Stealing isn't just naughty, it's a //crime!// > > **466-J-A:** Heheh. Yeah. Uh. Ain't he just the worst, sir. > > **466-J-B:** Someone ought to make an example of him. I say you should contact the local authorities to inform them that little Peter has taken property from a store without paying. Perhaps a stint in handcuffs will set him straight. > > **466-J-A:** Y-yes! Agreed! In fact, maybe keeping naughtiness retribution //local// like this would be a good strategy to apply to -- > > **466-J-B:** Also, bring me his lungs. > > **466-J-A:** Yes, sir... > > <End Log> [[include :scp-wiki:component:license-box]] > **Filename:** krampers.jpg > **Author:** [https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/User:Wilfredor Wilfredor] > **License:** CC0 1.0 Universal Public Domain Dedication > **Source Link:** [https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Capra_aegagrus_hircus_in_isla_Margarita.jpg https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Capra_aegagrus_hircus_in_isla_Margarita.jpg] [[include :scp-wiki:component:license-box-end]]