Link to article: SCP-615-J.
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[[>]] [[module Rate]] [[/>]] **Item#:** **##red|This anomalous entity in particular##** **Object Class:** Keter **Special Containment Procedures:** **##red|The object in question##** is to be contained in a lead-lined cell in sub-basement 12 of Site 57. **##red|Our prisoner##** is to be subjected to a constant barrage of 7.62 mm gunfire to the head from an M134 minigun. Each barrel of the minigun has been inscribed with "GIFT DISPENSER," each shell casing labeled "WRAPPING PAPER," and each round labeled "AS PER DOCUMENT-615-OMEGA." [[collapsible show="+ Document-615-Omega" hide="- NOTICE: By order of Site Director Naismith, editing of Document-615-Omega without Site Director approval is punishable by Super Termination."]] > In exchange for one small, metallic, bullet-shaped gift, **##red|he who's currently being shot at by a gun labeled "GIFT DISPENSER"##** agrees to not leave this cell for another year. > > Verbal acceptance of these terms is heretofore null and void; consent is to be acquired only by **##red|the aforementioned bullet sponge##** meeting at least one of the following criteria > * Dermal contact with said gift, > * The existence of any living or deceased person on the Earth named "Dave," > * Having one or more of the following: >> * A pulse >> * Atomic mass >> * An IQ over 0 > > Signed, > //Site Director Dr. Lisle Naismith// > //**##red|That gunshot wound recipient we were talking about##** [Signed as per Ethics Committee Resolution-5813, in that all actions under the purview of "Being a Little Bitch" is heretofore defined as a legal signature under Foundation jurisdiction]// [[/collapsible]] In the event of a containment breach, **##red|this person##** can be temporarily subdued by memetic trigger phrases such as "Fleetwood Mac is overrated!" and "Dude, seriously, bragging about how much //Rumors// changed your life is not a magic spell to make poetry majors give you a handy!" Both of these cause **##red|said anomalous humanoid##** to break down into fits of crying. **Description:** **##red|So, there's this guy and he##** is a reality-warping entity native to **##006400|[https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/taboo that place] with lots of trees and all the name-lacking folks that we're running out of alternative names for to the point where we're considering outsourcing the stupid-alternative-names thing to [https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-2337 an expert in the field]##**, but has since been banned for life for undisclosed reasons. **##red|The entity formerly known as "this person"##** takes the appearance of a middle-aged Caucasian man dressed only in an oversized Florida Marlins jersey. **##red|The fellow's##** hair is long and matted, which **##red|this individual##** rationalizes with "Some Polish chick I met at Coachella said the mat stores all the fuckin' diseases that big pharma wants to poison us about." **##red|This bipedal scabies aggregation outpost##** is a hostile and opportunistic thief, abusing the laws of **##006400|in-livings woodly sans nomenclatural, cack!##** as a means of acquiring things to sell for beer money. The Foundation first learned of **##red|he who smells like soup##** from reports of a dangerous reality bender in Downer's Grove, Illinois. > **Recorded security footage: 5/10/2021, 12:05 PM CST** > > <Begin Log> > > (**##red|Guy##** wanders into the hockey section of a Dick's Sporting Goods, then defecates on the floor. The manager, PoI-59600, arrives on the scene.) > > **PoI-59600:** Whoa, whoa, what the fuck?! You can't do that here! > > **##red|Same guy##:** It's a gift. > > **PoI-59600:** Get out. > > **##red|Still same guy##:** No-no-no, wait. I can explain. It's a gift. You're a manager, right? So this is your territory. Your territory has my gift in it. So, you already accepted. I'm gonna take something of equal value now. > > **PoI-59600:** //I don't want people to shit on the floor.// > > **##red|Yeah, still him##:** No take-backsies. You owe me one of your lungs now. //Yadda-yadda abra-ca-lung-have.// > > (PoI-59600's left lung appears in **##red|its new owner's##** hand. PoI-59600 falls to the floor, coughing up blood.) > > **PoI-59600:** Security! > > **##red|Das Lungtakenermensch##:** Dude. Calm down. Listen. I think we both need to sit down and have a serious talk about how morality is subjective and this is totally okay. > > **PoI-59600:** GET AWAY FROM ME! > > **##red|Guy with three lungs##:** Okay, but that's a //favor//, and that'll be another lung-- > > (**##red|Lung thief##** suddenly urinates on the floor.) > > **##red|The recently pissed##:** Ah, geez, sorry boss. Couldn't make it to the trash can. I'mma have to take your not-being-a-fish. > > (PoI-59600 transforms into a mackerel.) > > **##red|Fishmaker##:** I gotta go now, but I don't wanna leave bad vibes or nothin', so... we're agreed on the fact that fairy law means I've done nothing wrong, right? Flop if you agree. > > (PoI-59600 chokes to death on the air, without flopping.) > > **##red|Makefisher##:** Psh. Have fun bein' //wrong,// fucko. > > <End Log> [[include :scp-wiki:component:license-box]] [[include :scp-wiki:component:license-box-end]]