SCP-8008-J

Link to article: SCP-8008-J.
(none)
(none)
```
blockquote
```
```
blockquote
```
```
blockquote
```
```
blockquote
```
```
blockquote
```
=====
[[include component:preview
text= Any interruption of O5-1's 'grating sessions' is to be punished with immediate termination.]]
=====

[[include :scp-wiki:info:start]]
⚠️ **Content warning:** Frequent and flippant mentions of death, torture, and methods of killing; mention of suicide.
[[include :scp-wiki:info:end]]
[[include :scp-wiki:component:info-cw]]
[[include :scp-wiki:component:author-label-source start=--
|name=radian628]]

More by [[[radian628|radian628]]]
[[include :scp-wiki:component:author-label-source end=--]]

**Item #:** SCP-8008-J

**Object Class:** Thaumiel

**Special Containment Procedures:** SCP-8008-J is to be protected at all costs due to its pivotal role in Foundation operations. Any interruption of O5-1's 'grating sessions' is to be punished with immediate termination.

**Description:** SCP-8008-J is an abnormally large cheese grater, approximately 2m tall. When at least 90% of a human subject is grated with SCP-8008-J, a deceased organism of the choice of the individual who grated the subject will be resurrected from death. This effect only takes place once the subject reaches a state of irreversible brain death whilst being grated.[[footnote]]In a failed attempt to bypass this restriction, Foundation researchers managed to grate 97% of a (formerly) healthy adult human being without resulting in death.[[/footnote]]

**Discovery:** SCP-8008-J was discovered during the following exchange between Dr. McEvil and O5-1:

[[div class="blockquote"]]
**O5-1:** McEvil! Get your ass over here!

**Dr. McEvil:** What's wrong, sir!?

**O5-1:** We have too many D-classes in our cells! I need you to get rid of them, stat!

**Dr. McEvil:** But the monthly terminations are --

**O5-1:** Fuck the monthly terminations. We've been overflowing with them after the local orphanage burnt down. We're running out of space and I can only increase their rent so much.

**Dr. McEvil:** Wait, how can they pay for -- actually, I'll elect to ignore that for now and let the cognitive dissonance resolve itself later. Here's the --

**O5-1:** I don't care about the schedule. Fuck the schedule. //I// am the schedule. Kill them. Now.

**Dr. McEvil:** Okay, let's go through the standard kill methods from our brochures. 682's belly is full, they've managed to talk 096 through his self-image issues, and apparently 173 now just cracks his victims' knuckles. Turns out he just likes the sound. Okay, the point is that none of our skips seem to be good at killing people anymore and -- wait, isn't this a good thing?

**O5-1:** They're taking up too much room. I want them dead. Dead, dead, DEAD!

**Dr. McEvil:** Why don't we just kill them the old-fashioned way? Firing squad? An electric chair, perhaps? Guillotine? Lethal injection?

**O5-1:** Boooring.

**Dr. McEvil:** Really? Okay, then. What if we made a game out of it? You get to shoot them all yourself, perhaps? Stick 'em in the woods and hunt 'em down like deer!

**O5-1:** Listen, man. I've had to invite hundreds of my close subordinates into my office and then tell them in a cold, monotone voice that they're looking too deep into classified Foundation documents before shooting them point-blank in the head with the pistol I keep in my desk drawer. It was fun the first few times, but, quite frankly, //it gets old//. Stains the carpet, too. Point is, guns are too cliché, and I have a higher body count than your mother. Killing just doesn't hit the same anymore.

**Dr. McEvil:** What shall I do, Sir?

**O5-1:** What I'm trying to say is that you need to find something //different//. Now figure out how to dispose of them, and //get out//.

**Dr. McEvil:** Yes, Sir!
[[/div]]

Following this exchange, Dr. McEvil proposed a variety of kill methods, all of which were personally signed off by O5-1.

||~ Proposal ||~ Approved/Denied ||~ Reason ||
|| Chainsaw || DENIED || Overdone. ||
|| Falling Anvil || DENIED || Too cartoonish. ||
|| Battle to the death. || DENIED || If I wanna watch a fight, I tell the Chaos Insurgency to fight Nu-7 and stream it to my living room. Oh yeah, the Chaos Insurgency is an inside job. You didn't know that? ||
|| Gather all the D-classes into one spot and detonate a nuclear warhead. || DENIED || I want them kept medium-rare. ||
|| Old Age || DENIED || Go fuck yourself. ||
|| This giant cheese grater I found in SCP-8008's apartment. || APPROVED || Okay, okay, fine. I'm testing it on you first, though. ||

Following testing of SCP-8008-J on Dr. McEvil, its anomalous properties were discovered when the security guard picked to perform Dr. McEvil's execution witnessed his formerly deceased mother materialize in front of him.[[footnote]]She was subsequently fatally shot in fear that she was a Serpent's Hand agent utilizing thaumaturgy.[[/footnote]]

**Addendum -- SCP-8008-J Memo:** O5-1 sent this memo to all staff with 5/8008-J clearance following its discovery.

[[div class="blockquote"]]
To all Foundation staff on the 8008 project,

We have made a great and terrible discovery in the form of SCP-8008-J. With it, we have gained power over life and death. We can save those who humanity needs most, but only if we extinguish the life of another in the most gruesome way imaginable.

That begs the question: Who is to decide who lives and who dies? Who is to inflict the pain with their own two hands? Who is to make the determination that one life is worth more than another? 

The Foundation has decreed that this task is to fall upon //me//. And while I remain conflicted as to whether any human should be subjected to such a responsibility, the existential threat the anomalous poses to human civilization renders me no such choice.

It takes a strong man to make these sorts of hard decisions, and //I// will //be// that strong man. I don't care if it brings me mockery and scorn. I don't care if it puts blood on my hands. I don't care if I become the scapegoat of the world. 

I must act to save humanity.

God help us all.

- O5-1
Secure, Contain, Protect.
[[/div]]

After distributing this memo, O5-1 appointed himself as head of SCP-8008-J testing through sole administrative fiat.

**Addendum -- SCP-8008-J Test Log:** As opposed to the previous test, which was conducted via an intermediary, all tests were conducted personally by O5-1.

||~ Subject Terminated ||~ Subject Revived ||~ O5-1 Notes ||
|| D-8008-1 || Dr. Kondraki || Bastard got himself killed again.[[footnote]]//What the fuck, man. I staged his execution.// - O5-2[[/footnote]]@@ @@[[footnote]]//Think of it this way: You get to kill him again.// - O5-1[[/footnote]] ||
|| D-8008-2 || O5-12 || He agrees with me whenever we vote for stuff. ||
|| D-8008-3 || Security Guard's Mother || Feel a bit bad for the man. ||
|| Security Guard's Mother || D-8008-3 || Jesus fucking Christ she looks hideous.||
|||||| Extraneous logs omitted. ||
|| D-8008-129 || My pet praying mantis, George. || Whoops, accidentally stepped on him again. ||
|| D-8008-130 || //No revival provided.// || Honestly, this is kinda fun. Wait, I forgot to revive someone. Whoops. ||
|| D-8008-131 || D-8008-131 || Interesting! ||
|| D-8008-132 || //No revival provided.// || Too stoic. ||
|| D-8008-133 || //No revival provided.// || Screams are too high pitched and annoying. ||
|| D-8008-134 || //No revival provided.// || Too attractive for me to keep grating. ||
|| D-8008-135 || D-8008-135 || There we go! ||
|| D-8008-135 || D-8008-135 || //No notes provided.// ||
|| D-8008-135 || D-8008-135 || //No notes provided.// ||
|| D-8008-135 || D-8008-135 || //No notes provided.// ||
|| D-8008-135 || D-8008-135 || //No notes provided.// ||
|| D-8008-135 || D-8008-135 || //No notes provided.// ||
|| D-8008-135 || D-8008-135 || //No notes provided.// ||
|| D-8008-135 || D-8008-135 || //No notes provided.// ||
|| D-8008-135 || D-8008-135 || //No notes provided.// ||
|| D-8008-135 || D-8008-135 || //No notes provided.// ||
|| D-8008-135 || D-8008-135 || //No notes provided.// ||
|| D-8008-135 || D-8008-135 || //No notes provided.// ||
|| D-8008-135 || D-8008-135 || //No notes provided.// ||
|| D-8008-135 || D-8008-135 || //No notes provided.// ||
|| D-8008-135 || D-8008-135 || //No notes provided.// ||
|| D-8008-135 || D-8008-135 || //No notes provided.// ||
|| D-8008-135 || D-8008-135 || //No notes provided.// ||
|| D-8008-135 || D-8008-135 || //No notes provided.// ||
|| D-8008-135 || D-8008-135 || //No notes provided.// ||
|| D-8008-135 || D-8008-135 || //No notes provided.// ||

**Addendum -- Ethics Committee Interview**

[[div class="blockquote"]]

**Ethics Committee Chair:** Good morning O5-1.

**O5-1:** Cut the pretense. What is this about? I know you folks don't just invite people into meetings in dimly-lit conference rooms for no reason.

**EC Chair:** It's about your possible, well... //overuse//... of SCP-8008-J.

**O5-1:** They're D-classes. They're terrible people. Fuck 'em.

**EC Chair:** May I remind you that 80% of our D-classes are sourced from orphanages?

**O5-1:** Their parents probably hated them so much they killed themselves. I think that says a lot about them.

**EC Chair:** We die in the dark so that the rest of humanity may live in the light, but that does not mean that people should die pointlessly. Human life and human happiness is paramount, so we must only cause harm if we are to believe the benefit of doing so exceeds it. This is the burden we carry.

**O5-1:** Stop fucking complaining about how hard your job is. We know you want a raise. I have a grating session in ten minutes, so hurry the fuck up.

**EC Chair:** I called you here today precisely because of these 'grating sessions.' We believe that they may be inflicting unnecessary harm on D-class personnel.

**O5-1:** Okay, let me explain why you're wrong.

**EC Chair:** I welcome it. That would make the paperwork substantially simpler.

**O5-1:** Okay, as you said, human life and happiness is the important thing, am I correct?

**EC Chair:** Indeed.

**O5-1:** And humans can cause //each other//'s happiness to increase. By like, y'know, doing good deeds for one another.

**EC Chair:** I don't understand where you're going with this.

**O5-1:** Stop fucking interrupting me.

**EC Chair:** My apologies.

**O5-1:** Anyway, certain humans have a //greater capacity// to increase others' happiness than others. Hard men must make hard choices to keep humanity happy.

**O5-1:** And //I// happen to be the //hardest man there is//, because I'm the top dog of an organization whose //sole mission// is to //protect// the world from dangerous anomalies, safeguarding human happiness in the process. So a //lot// rides on //me// being well-rested, energized, and therefore able to //do my job//, so I can remain as //hard// as possible.

**O5-1:** And you //know// what //makes me hardest//?

**O5-1:** Grating sessions.

**O5-1:** That's what.

**O5-1:** Y'know the weird schaudenfreude you get when a toddler bumps its stupid fucking head and starts crying over it? The feeling that makes you want to laugh your ass off when some middle aged lady is weeping uncontrollably over a dead relative? That's what I get from grating D-8008-135. His screams are just... //Mmmm//. I feel like I'm gonna fuckin' pass out when I tear his flesh to ribbons, it's just --

//O5-1 breaks out into laughter and falls to the ground, clutching his stomach. After five seconds he stands up and composes himself.//

**O5-1:** Fuck -- I -- Even thinking about it brings me to tears. I'm so //fucking// excited. It's not sexual, just to be clear, it's just, I, okay. Deep breaths. Fuck.

**O5-1:** So if //you// want to interrupt //my// time to have //fun//, then you're making me feel //less good// than I would normally. And that makes me feel less //well-rested// than I would normally. And that makes me //less able to do my job as a member of the O5 council// than I would normally. And that makes me more likely to //mess up and endanger all the people of the world// than I would normally. And what wouldn't be very fun, now //would it//?

**O5-1:** In other words, if you interrupt my grating sessions, you've killed the entirety of the human race. Congratu-//fucking//-lations.

**EC Chair:** I cannot argue with that. Case dismissed.

[[/div]]

**Addendum -- Incident 8008-J-1:** On 6 February 2025, members of the Chaos Insurgency Insurgency[[footnote]]Not to be confused with the Serpent's Ingrown Fingernail.[[/footnote]] attempted to intercept an armored train carrying SCP-8008-J in order to procure the item. As they knew they lacked the firepower to stop the train on their own, they instead opted to kidnap several members of the O5 council and hold them as ransom.

To this end, at the next upcoming intersection, they placed O5-1 on one track, and they placed O5-2, O5-3, O5-4, O5-5, and O5-6 on the other track.

At the time the Chaos Insurgency Insurgency notified the Foundation of their attack, the intersection would have routed the train toward O5-2, O5-3, O5-4, O5-5, and O5-6.

The following is a transcript of a recording from the radio of O5-1.

[[div class="blockquote"]]

**O5-1:** Friends. Countrymen. Brothers-in-arms.

**O5-1:** It is with a heavy heart that I inform you that my life is coming to an end.

**O5-1:** Right now, I am using my administrator-level access to the US rail system to redirect the train that -- if left unchecked -- will kill five of my esteemed colleagues. In exactly ten minutes, it will instead run over my body and //my body alone//, killing me instantly. This was a unanimous decision from the O5 council.

**???:** Sir! Sir! Is this coming through?

**O5-1:** We make this decision with a heavy heart, but //we stand by it//. We //know// that this makes us murderers. We //know// that this puts blood on our hands. We //know// that we'll have to pay for our sins. We //know// --

**???:** I'm the conductor for the nearest train station! There's another intersect --

**O5-1:** MY SACRIFICE will save the lives of //FIVE// members of the O5 council. Even as the guilt bears down on our hearts we must remember this. We must remember that the needs of the many --

**???:** There's another intersection five miles up ahead with no people on it and on //your// orders we can redirect the -- 

**O5-1:** When given the choice between killing //one// and killing //many//, we must always choose //one//, even if it means pulling the trigger ourselves. Even if it means pointing the trigger at our own heads.

**???:** Sir? Can you hear us? We can //save// you!

**O5-1:** I don't know what happens after death. Never been a religious man myself, personally. I hope it's --

**???:** Sir! There's another --

**O5-1:** I CAN HEAR YOU LOUD AND CLEAR JACKASS. NOW STOP FUCKING INTERRUPTING ME.

**???:** But we can --

**O5-1:** I hope that if there //is// an afterlife, that my honorable deeds were enough to get me into a good one. That the noble ends I've striven towards outweigh the questionable means I've taken to achieve them.

**O5-1:** Well... that's it for me, folks. See you on the other side.

**O5-1:** Farewell.

[[/div]]

Upon impacting O5-1, the train car carrying SCP-8008-J unexpectedly derailed.[[footnote]]This is believed to be due to a collision between a train wheel and O5-1's abnormally dense, thick skull.[[/footnote]] Foundation personnel attempted to intercept the train car but picked the incorrect track by mistake, running over O5-2 through O5-6 in the process. The Chaos Insurgency Insurgency subsequently captured and retrieved SCP-8008-J.

Despite the failure of this operation, due to his bravery and his decisiveness in a life-or-death situation, O5-1 was posthumously awarded his 136th Foundation Medal of Honor.

**Addendum -- O5-1 Memorial Service:**

[[div class="blockquote"]]
**EC Chair:** Sad, isn't it? He left us too soon. We will remember his sacrifice.

**O5-12:** I don't know. I didn't like him very much.

**EC Chair:** That's an awfully rude thing to say during his memorial service.

**O5-12:** What can I say?

...

**O5-12:** He was very grating.

[[/div]]

@@ @@

@@ @@

@@ @@

[[footnoteblock]]
[[include :scp-wiki:component:license-box |author=radian628]]
[[include :scp-wiki:component:license-box-end]]
SCP-8008-J

Module Styles

Inline Styles

Includes

CSS Classes

Page Source
