Link to article: SCP-8888-J.
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[[>]] [[module rate]] [[/>]] [[include component:image-block name=triscuit.jpg| caption=SCP-8888-J ]] **Item #:** SCP-8888-J **Object Class:** Cernunnos **Special Containment Procedures:** **[Redacted by order of Dr. Marsden]** **Description:** SCP-8888-J is a male, two-year-old goldendoodle that answers to the name "Triscuit." He was born at an Amish puppy-assembly blacksite in Pennsylvania, where he was purchased by Dr. Eugene Marsden, Site-59's payroll director. SCP-8888-J's particular sub-breed of goldendoodle[[footnote]](2022 Fall Collection Northeastern Coprocephalic Tennessee Williams Teapot Goldendoodle)[[/footnote]] possesses unique characteristics that make raising one difficult, such as: * Severe, nonstop anxiety. * Twelve different skin conditions, which cycle depending on external factors such as weather, political climate, and winning North Carolina State Lottery numbers. * Sexual attraction to broken glass. * Chronic, bloody, explosive diarrhea, which is triggered by even-numbered air temperatures in the Kelvin scale. * Nonstop awareness of the finality of death, coupled with an immovable conviction that the afterlife not only exists, but is run by dog-hating sledgehammer goblins who never share their cheeseburgers. * A heart of gold. * A buildup of trace metals and corrosion from said heart in the bloodstream, resulting in chronic hemorrhaging. * Militant opposition toward the Second Vatican Council of 1962-1965. * Refusal to eat any traditional dog food that does not include at least one AAA battery. * Sub-clinical narcissism. * Speech capabilities in English and Estonian, but exclusively at moments when a talking dog is neither expected nor wanted. * Six built-in years of extensive training in small firearms. * Feline leukemia. SCP-8888-J's anomalous effects manifest through causing his owner, Dr. Marsden, to no longer have the mental capacity to leave SCP-8888-J at home or with a sitter, leash him, or neuter him. To date, all attempts to enforce the containment of SCP-8888-J have resulted in Dr. Marsden threatening to accidentally sell our payroll data to the Chaos Insurgency. As such, SCP-8888-J has been classified Cernunnos. ----- > **Incident 8888-J-42** > **Date:** 6/29/2024 > > <Begin Log> > > //[Junior Researcher Tim Acikgoz carries SCP-49222[[footnote]]("Ark of Barren Tomorrows", object class: Keter, a 200-kilogram stone chest covered with the ancient blood of unborn ponies, requires twice-daily procession around the grounds of Site-59 by a single Turkish freestyle rapper with untreated hemorrhoids in order to keep the entity within sealed)[[/footnote]] on its second procession of the day, while singing the sacred chant that keeps it sealed.]// > > **Acikgoz:** //...Stop. Bottle up and flask it / homeboy here's gonna stay in his casket / nobody asked it, to tisk my tasket / ain't no mothafuckin' Easter basket / Unh. Unh. Check it --// > > **SCP-8888-J:** //[Scream-barking.]// > > **Acikgoz:** ...no. > > //[The sound of uncut dog nails slipping on linoleum.]// > > **Acikgoz:** No. NO! > > //[8888-J gets on its back legs, begging to be picked up.]// > > **Acikgoz:** MARSDEN! > > //[Dr. Marsden enters, giggling hysterically.]// > > **Marsden:** Triscuit! Noooo! I am //so// sorry. He's such a silly little potato-brain sausage. > > **Acikgoz:** Get your fucking dog off of me! NOW! > > **Marsden:** Dude. Relax. He's just showing affection. > > **Acikgoz:** DON'T CARE. THIS THING'S ABOUT TO EXPLODE. MOVE HIM. > > **Marsden:** Oh my god, literally chill. Are you allergic to unconditional love or something? > > **SCP-8888-J:** Gimme your earwax, //bitch.// > > **Acikgoz:** Wait, what? > > **SCP-8888-J:** //[Whimpering]// > > **Entity inside SCP-49222:** //**I DO NOT HEAR DOPE RHYMES, MORTAL.**// > > //[Acikgoz keeps moving forward, beatboxing in terror. SCP-8888-J runs in tight little figure-eights around his heels, trying to trip him.]// > > **Marsden:** Dude, quit stressing him out, just let him French your ear canals. > > <End Log> ------ > **Incident 8888-J-89** > **Date:** 7/30/2024 > > <Begin Log> > > //[In the corner of a fortified room of Site-59, SCP-8888-J obsessively licks a flashing red button under a lifted molly-guard. The voice of Site Director Lisle Naismith can be heard offscreen.]// > > **Naismith:** So, what was it you wanted me to see? > > **Marsden:** Look at him! > > **Naismith:** What, you mean your -- //JESUS FUCKING **CHRIST**, MARSDEN!// > > **Marsden:** //[Laughing hysterically.]// Lookit! His liddle leggies are shakin', he's so //scared!// Lookit him! Such a nervous lil fella! Awwww, relax, buddy! > > **Naismith:** THAT IS THE DETONATOR FOR THE ONSITE NUCLEAR WARHEAD! > > **Marsden:** I know, right? Probably thinks it's a dog treat, poor lil trooper. > > **Naismith:** //GET HIM OUT RIGHT THE FUCK NOW.// > > **Marsden:** But this is the only room where you can't hear the thunderstorm! > > <End Log> ------ > **Incident 8888-J-171** > **Date:** 9/10/2024 > > <Begin Log> > > //[The entire staff of Site-59 is gathered in the situation room. The camera occasionally shakes. Muffled air sirens are heard in the distance.]// > > //[Director Naismith flips through papers, standing over the central table. He has not slept in 29 hours.]// > > **Dr. Augsberg:** Whenever you're ready... > > //[Naismith sighs.]// > > **Naismith:** ...long story short, O5 command has just verified that the Codename SABLE DOMINION entity currently laying waste to the Eastern Seaboard came from -- > > **Marsden:** Can you //sit?// > > **Naismith:** -- came from Corbenic. Contact with the Three Moons Initiative has been -- > > **Marsden:** Can you //sit//, Triscuit? //Sit?// ... GREAT JOB -- oh, now you're //not// sitting, you silly-billy-bingus-brain, you! > > **Naismith:** -- //contact with the Initiative has been sparse//, ostensibly due to heavy losses on their end. So I doubt we're going have the kind of call-in-the-cavalry situation we've been promised by -- > > **Marsden:** Triscuit just peed. Do we got any paper towels? > > **Naismith:** --THAT WE'VE BEEN PROMISED BY O5 COMMAND, BUT FORTUNATELY, SOMEONE AT SITE-19 JUST UNSEALED THE DOCUMENTATION ON AN EXPERIMENTAL THAUMIEL -- > > **Marsden:** Paper towels? Anyone? -- oh, he peed again. > > **Naismith:** Okay -- Marsden? Wanna know something //cool?// The SABLE DOMINION entity just telekinetically laid spider eggs in the brains of five million people. They //hatched.// And now those people are //dead.// If you could kindly quit playing with -- > > **Marsden:** Hey, guys, could you keep it down? My dog's trying to pee. > > //[Naismith's eye twitches.]// > > **Naismith:** Well, everyone? If it's all the same to you, I'm going to postpone this meeting until I'm done drinking myself to -- > > //[Gunshot.]// > > **Marsden:** GAAH! > > **Researcher Daniels:** WHOA! > > **Augsberg:** Someone just shot Marsden! > > //[Naismith falls to his knees, weeping with joy.]// > > **Naismith:** [[size 75%]]Lord God Almighty, though I have not spoken to You for some time in my foolishness, Your providence this day has compelled me to offer thanks to You for the first time in twenty --[[/size]] > > **Marsden:** //Bad// Triscuit! No! That was NOT silly-billy of you! > > //[Another gunshot. Naismith falls over, bleeding from his leg.]// > > **Naismith:** ...Marsden. > > **Marsden:** What //now?// > > **Naismith:** Did your dog just shoot me? > > **Marsden:** //Yes, yes, that's a thing he does, you don't need to be mean about it, he loves you.// > > //[All other staff flee, screaming.]// > > **Marsden:** COME ON, guys! It's a low caliber! Just push him away with your knee or something! > > //[No response.]// > > **Marsden:** Ugh... I gotta get this bullet out... Triscuit? Can you stay while Daddy gets the first aid kit? > > **SCP-8888-J:** Give me attention right now or I'll have a seizure. > > //[Marsden pets him.]// > > **Marsden:** I'm so glad I paid $50,000 for you! > > <End Log> [[include :scp-wiki:component:license-box]] > **Filename:** triscuit.jpg > **Author:** [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Kramtark Kramtark] > **License:** Public Domain > **Source Link:** [https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Goldendoodle-On-Porch.jpg] [[include :scp-wiki:component:license-box-end]]