Link to article: SCP-8904.
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[[>]] [[module rate]] [[/>]] **Item #:** SCP-8904 **Object Class:** Gevurah **Special Containment Procedures:** A database of over 2,000 keyphrases that would indicate SCP-8904 infection has been added to the Shibboleth Identification Network of all Foundation sites. Should any of these be written, typed, spoken aloud, or intensely thought about by any member of Foundation staff, they will be flagged for infection and taken to Disciplinary Site-5000 until the resident board of 50 military psychiatrists has determined that the infection has been resolved. In addition, any personnel displaying any of the following symptoms are to be brought to Disciplinary Site-5000 for questioning: * Insomnia. * Thanatophobia. * Paranoia. * Vegetarianism/Veganism. * Lack of participation in the Kast Reforms. * Unfamiliarity with the Kast Reforms. * Lack of enthusiasm for the Kast Reforms. * Taking lunch breaks outdoors, rather than in the cafeteria. **Description:** SCP-8904 refers to DAD. According to the DSM-61[[footnote]]Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 61st edition[[/footnote]], Devourment Aversion Disorder, or DAD, is a personality disorder characterized by a human subject's extreme and irrational fear of being devoured by one or multiple crocodiles. Though once believed to be non-anomalous, at least 5,000 cases of SCP-8904 have been detected among Foundation personnel since the implementation of the Kast Reforms. The O5 Council, in a joint effort with the Office of the 600 Augurs, have determined that the source of this increase was anomalous in nature -- the work of radical anti-Kast reality benders. In addition, the following symptoms have been discovered among Foundation personnel with SCP-8904: * Rudeness. * An inflated sense of self-worth. * Attention-seeking behaviors, i.e. as excessive struggling and vocalizing. * Attempts to quit or otherwise breach the Foundation's non-compete clause. If unchecked, the spread of SCP-8904 throughout the Foundation will result in a 15% decrease in workplace morale within the next 20 years. However, more recent oracular estimates have determined that a 18% increase could be expected as soon as 2187. Despite its anomalous cause, psychological studies conducted by the Office of the 600 Augurs have determined that SCP-8904 can be cured -- even reversed -- through the use of cognitive-behavioral therapy, corporal punishment, social ostracism, cranial stapling, and a steady diet of asparagus and salted butter. > **Interview Log: Foundation SCP-8904 Infectee #4,482** > **Interviewers:** Dr. Moira Clayton, Director Armin Sachs > **Interviewed:** Junior Researcher Edgar Franck > **Date: 2/28/2185** > > <Begin Log> > > //[Franck is led to the interrogation room by two security officers. He sits at a table across from Dr. Clayton and Director Sachs.]// > > **Sachs:** I was under the impression that he would be handcuffed. > > **Franck:** Both of my arms are in slings. I'm not gonna hurt any -- > > **Clayton:** You have not yet been given permission to speak. > > //[Franck nods.]// > > ...but yes, the slings made further hand restraints redudant. > > **Sachs:** Very well. The disclaimer, if you please. > > //[She pulls the SCP-8904 disclaimer documentation out of a dossier and reads aloud.]// > > **Clayton:** "By order of Kast Decree #95-A and the Office of the 600 Augurs, I am legally obligated to inform you, [Junior Researcher Edgar Franck], that while you are being interviewed regarding an anomalous condition that is //ostensibly// outside of your control, the part that you have played in your own SCP-8904 infection through your own lack of operational integrity cannot be ignored. Had you conducted your responsibilities at the Foundation with dignity, a solid work ethic, and respect for the Kast Reforms, this meeting would have been unnecessary. Therefore, you are hereby advised not to mistake interest in your condition and your recovery for any form of sympathy, compassion, or endorsement. On a personal note, [we are all very ashamed of you]. [AD-HOMINEMS TO BE PLACED HERE AT SITE DIRECTOR'S DISCRETION.] If these terms are understood, nod." > > //[Franck nods.]// > > **Sachs:** Mr. Franck, in order to curb the spread of SCP-8904, understanding of its particulars is vital -- even with such an upsetting topic as this. So if you would be so kind as to explain why you struck the face of Researcher Chompers... > > **Franck:** Remind me who Researcher Chompers is, again? > > **Clayton:** The one you //slapped.// > > **Franck:** ...that was a //researcher?// > > **Clayton:** //[Sigh.]// > > **Sachs:** (Don't let him provoke you, Moira...) No, Researcher Chompers is not //technically// a Foundation researcher. Now, answer the question. > > **Franck:** Well, it was eating me. > > **Clayton:** And you think that's justification for causing Researcher Chompers physical harm? > > **Franck:** Yep. > > **Sachs:** Explain. > > **Franck:** I didn't wanna die. > > ... > > **Sachs:** Look, you're going to have to meet us in the middle. There's only so much we can do to parse a loaded statement like that. > > **Franck:** Okay, but like... are you saying I should //want// to be eaten by a crocodile? > > **Clayton:** Oh my God. > > **Sachs:** (Moira...) > > **Clayton:** No, really -- I can't decide if you're actually aware of how disrespectful you're being, or if you're actually this stupid. > > **Franck:** ...yes. > > **Sachs:** What now? > > **Franck:** Yes, I am stupid. So //teach me.// Teach me why I should want to be eaten by a crocodile during work hours. > > **Clayton:** Actually, never mind -- now it's obvious that you're acting in bad faith. Thanks for clearing that up. > > **Sachs:** Okay, but what if he isn't? > > **Clayton:** What?! > > **Sachs:** We have to account for every possibility. In the event that he is actually unaware of -- > > **Clayton:** No. Enough is enough. I am not going to sit here and argue with a grown man about why he needs to shit in a toilet, breathe air, or eat food. > > **Franck:** I mean, is it that necessary for me to be eaten by a crocodile? > > **Clayton:** I'm sorry, but if he says one more word, I'm having a stroke. > > //[She leaves.]// > > **Sachs:** Well. Hope you're proud of yourself. > > **Franck:** Just, answer me one thing. > > **Sachs:** And if we do answer, do you promise to cooperate? > > **Franck:** Fine. > > **Sachs:** Very well, what's your question? > > **Franck:** Okay. I was here before the Kast Reforms were set in stone. Back before we needed the Augurs, before we fucked around with the mission statement. And back then, I worked on a few keter-class objects. Like, there was this one anomaly, I forget its number, where if we didn't sacrifice a goat every few months, it would break out of containment. > > **Sachs:** I fail to see where you're going with this. > > **Franck:** But, like, is this that kind of situation? > > **Sachs:** ...I don't follow. > > **Franck:** No, really, when the -- when //Researcher Chompers// attacked me on my lunch break, was that the kind of situation where I had to be eaten by a crocodile or there'd be a K-class scenario of some kind? > > //[Sachs sighs. He leans his elbows on the desk, kneading his scalp.]// > > **Sachs:** Okay, I'm starting to see where the "bad faith" thing was coming from. > > **Franck:** No, I'm serious. This is the only way I can see this making any sense. > > **Sachs:** Franck, you can't just ask me "why is the Moon a purple banana" and pretend it's in the interest of genuine inquiry. > > **Franck:** That's not what I asked! > > **Sachs:** Same level. > > **Franck:** Just -- just //humor me.// Is it necessary or helpful for me to be eaten by a crocodile? Yes or no. > > **Sachs:** And now you're deflecting! I've already been shockingly patient with you, Franck. > > **Franck:** How is that deflecting? > > **Sachs:** Well, how is it helpful or necessary for you to //forego// devourment?! > > **Franck:** Are you -- ugh. Fine. If I "forego devourment," that means that not only do I get to stay alive, I can also spend my day not feeling my body being painfully torn apart by a crocodile. Plus, //you// get to keep me on your staff so I can help you, and no one has to mop my viscera off the cafeteria floor. > > **Sachs:** I suppose that's reasonable. > > **Franck:** Yeah. It is. Now -- > > **Sachs:** Do you believe you're uniquely deserving of life? > > **Franck:** What?! > > **Sachs:** Franck, you woke up in this world as a human being. You've been alive for multiple decades. Statistically speaking, you are unique in how lucky you are, crocodile incidents notwithstanding. You could have been stillborn. You could have been a //fish.// And yet, here you are, reaping the evolutionary jackpot -- and still thinking you deserve extra treats. > > **Franck:** Not being eaten alive isn't a special treat! It's the bare minimum of workplace safety! > > **Sachs:** If you really understood how entitled you sound right now, you'd vomit. Death happens to everyone. We are born, we exist, and we die -- that's the deal we're given, and we don't get to dictate the terms of any part of it. It takes a special kind of solipsistic, childish ignorance to think otherwise. If you're afraid of death, you might as well be afraid of pissing or breathing. It's like holding onto a childhood security blanket into your 50's. > > **Franck:** How does any of this mean I have to agree to be eaten by a crocodile? > > **Sachs:** And that's how I know you haven't listened to a single word I've said. > > **Franck:** I //know// death is inevitable. Why does this //specific// death have to -- > > **Sachs:** No, I'm not falling for it anymore. Dr. Clayton was right. No matter how much I explain it to you, you're going to be lost in your own head, daydreaming about living forever while everyone else but you gets eaten by crocodiles. > > //[The door suddenly opens.]// > > Who is it? We're in the middle of something. > > **Researcher Chompers:** Um. Sorry. I'll be on my -- > > **Sachs:** Oh, it's you! Nothing to be sorry about, ma'am. > > **Franck:** It talks?! > > **Sachs:** //She// talks. (Asshole.) > > **Chompers:** Listen, no rush, it's just... I just came back from meeting with the Augurs and I'm //really// hungry, so would you mind if I ate that guy? > > **Sachs:** Now do you understand why you need to be eaten by a crocodile? > > **Franck:** Why?! > > **Sachs:** Because she asked nicely. > > **Franck:** [REDACTED FOR IMPUDENCE] > > <End Log> [[footnoteblock]] [[div class="footer-wikiwalk-nav"]] [[=]] << [[[SCP-8903]]] | SCP-8904 | [[[SCP-8905]]] >> [[/=]] [[/div]]