SCP-9069

Link to article: SCP-9069.
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[[include component:preview
text=According to ratings, people like it when contestants have multiple prizes to choose from. Unfortunately, multiple prizes aren't within the budget this year. ]]
=====

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[[module rate]]
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**Item #:** SCP-9069

**Object Class:** Safe

**Special Containment Procedures:** SCP-9069 is held in the basement of O5-6's home, where it remains untouched by O5-6's staff.

**Description:** SCP-9069 is an arcade-cabinet-shaped device containing two palm sized buttons, one green, one blue. On SCP-9069's screen is the text: "One MILLION Dollars![[footnote]] Color-coded green. [[/footnote]] **OR!** A Dog that Doubles in Age Every Second![[footnote]] Color-coded blue. [[/footnote]]". While the green button has yet to be pushed, the blue button causes the spontaneous manifestation of an infant puppy. This puppy will die in 30 seconds upon reaching extreme old age. 

**Discovery:** On 1/8/2027, GoI-5889[[footnote]]Vikander-Kneed Technical Media^^TM^^[[/footnote]] aired an episode of the gameshow: //Are You Smarter than the Hyperintelligent Whale We've Trapped in a Tiny Tank and Forced to Compete With You?// This program would have been otherwise unremarkable if it did not feature four Factotum belonging to O5-6, as well as a minor appearance of O5-6 herself. A transcript of the show in question has been archived below:

[[div class="blockquote"]]

**Episode Transcript**

----

**<Begin Log>**

//<Broadcast begins in a dark room. In the background a muffled voice can be heard. Four figures can be seen moving in the darkness on the right side of screen. The figures converse amongst themselves. Their voices can be identified as the four members of O5-6's kitchen staff: Clementine Salas, Amandine Nolan, Ambrosia Valentine, and Ginger Black.>// 

**Ambrosia Valentine:** //<Whispered.>// So what have we found?

**Ginger Black:** //<Whispered; trembling.>// There's something really cold over there. I swear, I hear something big. 

**Amandine Nolan:** //<Whispered.>// I think we can climb over this wall. I see some sort of light up there.

**Ginger Black:** //<Whispered.>// And then get caught?

//<Something large and heavy makes contact with a glass barrier. Black jumps.>//

**Ginger Black:** //<Whispered.>// We're going to get //fed// to something! 

**Amandine Nolan:** //<Whispered.>// All the more reason to get moving.

**Ginger Black:** //<Whispered.>// Six has all the cameras, she saw whatever took us. We're going to be found. We do not need to go and make more trouble for ourselves. 

**Amandine Nolan:** //<Whispered.>// The least we could do is to move somewhere and hide. 

**Ambrosia Valentine:** //<Whispered.>// I'm with Amandine on this one. Standing still is too unpredictable. 

**Ginger Black:** //<Whispered.>// But we don't know the //rules!//

**Ambrosia Valentine:** //<Whispered; to Nolan.>// How do you think we should get up there?

**Amandine Nolan:** //<Whispered.>// It's easy. Clem? Clem are you with us?

**Clementine Salas:** //<Whispered.>// Y-yes? 

**Amandine Nolan:** //<Whispered.>// Amy, Clem, both of you get on your knees.

**Ginger Black:** //<Whispered.>// Excuse me?

**Clementine Salas:** //<Whispered.>// Huh?

//<Valentine gets on her knees, allowing Nolan to get on her shoulders.>// 

**Amandine Nolan:** //<Whispered.>// Okay, now you step onto Clem. 

//<The voice off screen gets closer to the camera, still too muffled to make out. Black stands up straight behind her podium.>//

**Ginger Black:** //<Whispered.>// Someone's coming... And why is Clem on the bottom?

**Amandine Nolan:** //<Whispered.>// She's the tallest, we're going in order of height!

**Ginger Black:** //<Whispered.>// But Clem is like a twig! Look at her! You'll snap her in half and Six will get onto all of us for it!

//<Valentine begins putting her weight on Salas. Salas strains, a small puddle of sweat forming on the carpet.>//

**Clementine Salas:** //<Audibly in pain.>// No, I lift, I can take it. 

**Ginger Black:** //<Whispered.>// Why doesn't Amandine get on Clem's shoulders?

**Ambrosia Valentine:** //<Whispered.>// Then we wouldn't be tall enough to reach the top.

**Ginger Black:** //<Whispered.>// And then Clem gets on your shoulders! Or better yet, Clem can get on Amandine's shoulders. She's the lightest of you. 

**Ambrosia Valentine:** //<Whispered.>// Oh yeahhh.

**Clementine Salas:** //<Whispered; grunting.>// No, it's fine. I can be the bottom, I mean on the bottom.

**Amandine Nolan:** //<Whispered.>// If we're going to go with //your// idea then you should get up here between me and Amy. Then we pull Clem up and use her as a rope. 

**Clementine Salas:** Huh?

**Ginger Black:** //<Whispered.>// Well I don't know about- 

//<A door opens and the voice can now be heard clearly.>//

**Male Voice:** -ng a little behind. I'm on the set now and we can start- what do you mean we've already started the broadcast? I'm getting the show started now!

//<The lights come on. [https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-5681 Jeremy Kincaid] is behind a podium. In the background, a large television screen displaying the title card can be seen to his right, and a blue whale in a cramped tank can be seen to his left. The four contestants startle, throwing the human tower off balance. Black ducks behind her podium to avoid the whale's gaze.>//

**Kincaid:** Woah! Woah! Ladies! This is not show-biz behavior! 

**Ginger Black:** //<Through her teeth.>// They're looking at all us. 

**Ambrosia Valentine:** Are we on TV? 

**Amandine Nolan:** We're always on TV. 

**Ambrosia Valentine:** Not this kind of TV! 

//<The whale lets out a loud call, causing the stage to rattle slightly. Kincaid covers his ears.>//

**Ambrosia Valentine:** I'm just going to go for it!

**Clementine Salas:** Wuh?

//<Valentine steps up onto Salas's back, boosting Nolan high enough to grab the top of the set wall. The camera cuts to Kincaid holding his cheeks with a distraught expression.>//

**Kincaid:** Alright, girls, enough playtime!

//<The screen cuts to the show's title card: Are You Smarter than the Hyperinteligent Whale We've Trapped in a Tiny Tank and Forced to Compete With You? This fades into Kincaid behind a podium. The whale has an annoyed expression.>//

**Kincaid:** Alright, is everyone nice and calm now? We got all our energy out? Exercised our bodies, now we can exercise our brains?

//<The show cuts to the four contestants standing behind their labelled podiums. Salas sways, holding onto her podium for stability. Nolan stares into the camera with a dead eyed stare.>//

**Amandine Nolan:** //<Haunted; Monotone.>// I witnessed an infinite mass of tangled wires all spawning from a gaping white hole that never stops producing material, all slithering across the floor and pulsating like umbilical cords. But don't misunderstand me, there was nothing biological about it.

**Kincaid:** Ah, yes, our stagehand. She's a very private entity-

//<Kincaid pantomimes receiving a message over a wireless earbud.>//

**Kincaid:** Sorry, //Allied Mastercomputer//. Have to remember all these new terms to appease the //PC// crowd. 

//<The canned laughter plays in sped-up reverse. The whale lets out a loud moan. The camera pans over to reveal an LCD screen placed in front of the tank, supposedly translating for the whale.>//

**Whale:** "Offense humor? That's below you."

//<Kincaid slams his fists against his podium.>//

**Kincaid:** It was not //offense humor// it was a pun! Not that you could comprehend clever wordplay! 

//<Kincaid clears his throat.>//

**Kincaid:** Hello, hello loyal watchers or listeners or whatever sensory organ you are currently using to perceive this broadcast! And welcome to-

**Pre-Recorded audience:** Are You Smarter than a Whale!

**Whale:** "No time to update the recording before the shoot? In a hurry to pump this out?"

//<Kincaid clenches his teeth.>//

**Kincaid:** We had the change the title last second, something to do with //<beep>// requiring we specify you're under duress. 

**Whale:** "Like anyone was unsure."

//<Kincaid pantomimes receiving a message over a wireless earbud.>//

**Kincaid:** Whoops! Barely through our introduction and we've already said one of our banned phrases! Hold onto all of your clothes, because we're in for a rowdy show tonight!

//<Canned laughter plays and abruptly stops.>//

**Whale:** "You can't say [[span class="bigtext" style="filter: blur(4px);"]]labor laws[[/span]] on TV?"

**Kincaid:** Enough introduction! Why don't we //introduce// our four lovely contestants!

**Whale:** "What was that a joke o-"

//<The camera cuts to the four contestants. A pre-recorded crowd cheers and confetti rains down on the contestants. Nolan snaps out of her trance to wave at the cameras. Salas takes a deep breath through her mouth and begins choking on a piece of confetti. Black attempts to cover her hair and swipe the confetti away.>//

**Kincaid:** //<Shouting over the Whale.>// Now I'm sure our audience is wondering, what are our lovely contestants competing for?

//<The camera cuts to reveal SCP-9069 on a rotating platform. A pre-recorded crowd gasps in awe.>//

**Kincaid:** This lovely device can do two very special things! With just a push of a button, one million dollars will be deposited directly into your bank account! Or! A dog that doubles in ages every second will manifest before your very eyes! 

**Whale:** "You're not just going to give them a million dollars or a dog that doubles in age every second? They have to bring home a whole extra device?"

**Kincaid:** According to ratings, people like it when contestants have multiple prizes to choose from. Unfortunately, multiple prizes aren't within the budget this year. 

**Whale:** "That's why you have to go kidnapping, huh?"

**Kincaid:** No, the kidnapping budget is a separate thing.

//<Valentine buzzes in.>//

**Kincaid:** Sorry, ladies, but the buzzers are for the QNA part of the show!

**Ambrosia Valentine:** What does that mean? 

**Kincaid:** Have you never-? In just a few moments you will be competing in a trivia-

**Ambrosia Valentine:** No, no, what does the dog thing mean? Wouldn't it just get really old really fast?

**Kincaid:** You'll have to participate in the game //I put a lot of work into// to find out!

//<Salas nudges Valentine and whispers something. Valentine buzzes in again. Kincaid sighs.>//

**Ambrosia Valentine:** What kind of dog? 

//<Black stands up straight and takes on a composed posture.>//

**Ginger Black:** Obviously it's one that doubles in age every second. 

**Clementine Salas:** //<Unsure.>// Oh... is that what the breed is called?

**Kincaid:** It's whatever kind of dog you want it to be!

**Whale:** "This is just like that stand-up set you performed in front of my family."

//<Kincaid tenses and flushes.>//

**Kincaid:** We agreed we would never speak of that again!

//<Nolan buzzes in.>//

**Kincaid:** Ladies! Ladies! Come on now, let's get this-

//<Valentine buzzes in.>//

**Ambrosia Valentine:** So can we spawn as many dogs as we want?

**Amandine Nolan:** Wait, I buzzed in first! 

**Kincaid:** Why don't we save the QNA for once we've actually started playing, huh?

**Ginger Black:** We should get our boss's permission before we work for someone else. 

**Clementine Salas:** I don't know if Six would-

**Amandine Nolan:** We've already been kidnapped, we didn't need permission for that. 

**Kincaid:** Now I'm sure your boss- 

//<A phone starts ringing off stage. Kincaid holds his hand out and a wire raises over the set to hand him the device.>//

**Kincaid:** Whose phone is this?

//<Salas opens her mouth and takes a deep breath but does not speak.>//

**Kincaid:** I'm turning this off! No more distractions!

**Ginger Black:** //<Startled.>// W-wait! If it's Six, it might be important. 

**Kincaid:** Fine. 

//<Kincaid answers the call.>// 

**Kincaid:** H-

**O5-6:** I don't want to talk to you, put my girls on the phone. 

**Kincaid:** Well excuse you, I happen to be the host of this show, a show you happ-

**O5-6:** //<In one breath.>// Oh my GODDD you stole //MY FUCKING CHEFS// right at lunch time I'm fucking hangry and your cinematography sucks! You insult the craft! 

**Whale:** "Ha!" 

//<Kincaid bites his lips. A wire takes the phone and hands it to Salas.>//

**Clementine Salas:** Um, hi. 

**O5-6:** Hey, hey! I know you four are smarter than a goddamn whale! Don't make me look bad. 'Kay, bye.  

//<O5-6 hangs up. Kincaid wipes his face with a handkerchief>//

**Kincaid:** Okay, okay, that's good. Why don't we get this game started? 

**Clementine Salas:** Can I keep my phone? 

**Kincaid:** No! Stagehand, please even the field here!

//<A wire flicks out from off stage and hands Kincaid a card.>//

**Kincaid:** "On break"!? But we just started filming! 

**Whale:** "It's been thirty minutes."

**Kincaid:** Is this because of the PC joke? I wasn't trying to mock your identity, it was wordplay! 

//<Kincaid attempts to run back stage but a series of wires form a barricade. Salas pockets her phone.>// 

**Whale:** "Do all your shows go this well?"

**Kincaid:** You would know if you ever bothered to watch any of them! 

**Whale:** "I'll start watching as soon as they become worth my time."

**Kincaid:** It's fine, I don't need backstage assistance! Everything here is all my work!

**Whale:** "We can tell."

**Kincaid:** This game will have three phases! Battle of the minds, battle of the bodies, and battle of the souls! Let's start with our trivia!

**Whale:** "You didn't give me a buzzer."

**Kincaid:** Course not! I don't need you shouting out the answer where everyone can see!

**Whale:** "How am I supposed to compete?" 

**Kincaid:** Wait your turn, why don't you? First question: Which gameshow host won best original game five years in a row!? 

//<Valentine leans toward Nolan and Salas.>// 

**Ambrosia Valentine:** //<Whispered.>// I've never watched a gameshow before. Do you know any gameshow hosts? 

**Amandine Nolan:** //<Whispered.>// I have access to the same channels as you. 

**Ambrosia Valentine:** //<Whispered.>// Clem, have you caught any gameshows?

**Clementine Salas:** //<Normal voice.>// Uh, no. 

//<Kincaid clears his throat.>//

**Kincaid:** It's every woman for herself here tonight! Break it up, and don't let the missing music let you think there's not a time limit.

**Ambrosia Valentine:** I thought we were competing against the whale?

**Ginger Black:** We're competing to win against the whale.  

//<Kincaid points to Black.>//

**Kincaid:** This one gets it. 

//<Nolan picks Salas's phone out of her pocket and starts typing.>//

**Ginger Black:** //<Stage whisper.>// Hey! That is absolutely not allowed. 

//<Black reaches across Valentine's chest to grab the phone. Nolan keeps her grip tight. Salas looks around confused and pats down her pockets.>//

**Kincaid:** //<At a loss.>// Come on, just throw a guess out there! 

**Whale:** "He's clearly looking for you to say his name." 

**Amandine Nolan:** Actually, this says the answer is- 

//<Kincaid darts across the stage to take the phone.>//

**Kincaid:** Haha! Let's not trust everything we read on the internet, okay! Let's try this again without phoning our friends! 

//<Kincaid returns to his podium and quickly scribbles something on the pack of a cue card.>//

**Kincaid:** Clearly I shouldn't have overestimated your knowledge on the topic. Your boss has done you a disservice by depriving you of real culture! So, our next question will be multiple choice. 

//<Salas's phone begins ringing. Kincaid winds up a throw and chucks it into the tank.>//

**Clementine Salas:** H-hey! 

**Whale:** "Watch it! You could've hurt me!"

**Kincaid:** Question two: Which of the following media companies have never //ever// had any sort of gameshow scandal? Is is A. NBC. B. CBS. C. Vikander-Kneed Technical Media, or D. CBS. 

**Whale:** "Could you only think of two?"

**Amandine Nolan:** //<Whispered.>// Must be a trick question. I'm thinking NBC, it's the only one that he didn't draw attention to. 

**Ambrosia Valentine:** //<Whispered.>// Makes sense to me. 

//<Salas stares blankly at one of the many VKTM logos decorating the set.>// 

**Clementine Salas:** You don't think that it could be-

//<Nolan buzzes in.>//

**Amandine Nolan:** We're going to go with A. NBC!

//<Kincaid winces.>// 

**Kincaid:** //OOO!// I'm sorry ladies, but that's not right! The correct answer is C. Vikander-Kneed Technical Media! Not only are our gameshows never rigged in any way that a court of law could prove! But Vikander-Kneed Technical Media is known for its honest and upfront business practices, and hiring only the kindest and most attractive people to host their shows! 

**Whale:** "Sounds more shallow than this tank."

**Amandine Nolan:** //Dang!// I really thought we saw through the trick.

**Kincaid:** I can see that the multiple choice threw you off! Vikander-Kneed Technical Media is all about adaptability and accessibility! Let's return to form for this next question. Which Vikander-Kneed Technical Media gameshow host had his heart broken publicly with no clear explanation?

**Whale:** "My back hurts. Hearing you talk just makes me want to roll over and sleep for the night. I'm too cramped." 

//<The whale rolls over in the tank. Water splashes over the top and land on Kincaid.>//

**Kincaid:** My cards!

//<He holds out a blob of wet paper.>//

**Whale:** "Oops."

**Ambrosia Valentine:** If we're done with the trivia game, can I ask another question about the dogs? 

**Kincaid:** This lovely prize can also deposit one million dollars right into your bank account! Minus taxes! Doesn't one million dollars also sound good? You're all women, right? You like shopping. 

//<Kincaid squeezes water out of his sleeves. The Factotum look amongst themselves.>// 

**Whale:** "Wow. Misogynist much?"

//<Kincaid points an accusatory finger at the whale.>//

**Kincaid:** They're going to enjoy shopping after they win our lovely prize. Right, ladies?

//<Salas shrugs. Black winces.>// 

**Ginger Black:** I don't think we have a bank account.

**Whale:** "Oh?"

**Kincaid:** //<Quietly.>// Things are worse in the Foundation than I thought. 

**Kincaid:** //<Normal voice.>// How about we throw in a complimentary bank account in the winner's name!
 
**Clementine Salas:** Would that be under //Clementine// or under my real name[[footnote]] All Factotum have former names and identities removed from the noösphere for purposes of security. [[/footnote]]? 

**Ginger Black:** What real name? That's the only one you've got. 

//<Salas flushes.>// 

**Clementine Salas:** I just thought- 

**Amandine Nolan:** Does the bank account //only// go to the winner?

**Kincaid:** It goes to whoever walks home with our prize!

**Ambrosia Valentine:** We all live together. We should all walk home with this prize.

//<Kincaid pinches the bridge of his nose.>//

**Whale:** "She's got you there."

**Kincaid:** You still have to beat the whale in a test of strength! 

//<Kincaid snaps his fingers. Nothing occurs. Facing the camera, he sidesteps towards the wall and flips a concealed switch. A weight training bench and a dumbbell descend from the ceiling dangling from wires.>// 

**Whale:** "How does this prove intelligence?"

**Kincaid:** You can't say body builders don't know their bodies! It takes a lot of hard work and discipline to become truly in shape! 

//<Kincaid gets on the weight training bench and grabs the dumbbell. He goes pale and covers his face.>//

**Kincaid:** //<whispered; miming speaking into an earpiece.>// Stagehand? Are you back? I need you for this part. Hello? Hello?

**Whale:** "Problem?"

**Kincaid:** //<Nonchalant.>// Hah! Not at all! Just stretching!

//<Kincaid stretches his leg out and kicks a switch positioned on the end of the bench. The ceiling strains as the wire tugs the dumbbell up. Kincaid scrambles to grab the dumbbell with both hands.>//

**Kincaid:** Hardly breaking a sweat!

//<Kincaid holds onto the dumbbell with one hand and pushes it up and down. The factotum look amongst themselves.>// 

**Whale:** "I don't see how I'm meant to compete in this game either. I don't exactly have arms!"

**Kincaid:** //<Ignoring the whale.>// Who wants the first try? How about you?

//<He points to Salas. Salas shrinks.>//

**Clementine Salas:** We have to come on stage?

**Kincaid:** If you can carry it to your podium, more power to you!

**Clementine Salas:** Okay. 

//<Salas takes two steps towards the stage and freezes in place.>//

**Clementine Salas:** I'm coming. 

//<Valentine puts her hand on Salas's back.>//

**Ambrosia Valentine:** I'll take the first crack at it! 

**Kincaid:** Attagirl! 

//<Valentine walks past Salas and gets on the bench. She puts her hands on the dumbbell and looks to Kincaid.>//

**Ambrosia Valentine:** Are you going to spot me?

**Kincaid:** I can assure you our Stagehand is keeping a close eye on it! 

//<Black bites her fingernails and looks around. She gets on the stage.>// 

**Ginger Black:** Excuse me. I just think I should... Just let me scooch past you. 

//<Black walks around Kincaid and puts her hands on the dumbbell.>//

**Kincaid:** Now how can I be sure you're not helping her out?

**Ginger Black:** I wouldn't cheat! I don't need anyone to get crushed!

**Kincaid:** Come on, you saw me lift it just fine! Nobody really gets hurt on TV! 

**Amandine Nolan:** Why are we fighting when the answer is clearly this?

//<Nolan pulls the switch at the end of the bench. The wire pulls taut and lifts the dumbbell in the air. Valentine lets go immediately. Black tenses and fails to let go before being lifted into the air with it. Black screams.>//

**Kincaid:** No!

**Amandine Nolan:** Shit! I'm sorry! 

//<Nolan pushes the switch all the way in the opposite direction. The wire loses all tension and the dumbbell falls to the floor. Black lets go and hits the floor on her side. The dumbbell crashes into the bench, cracking the floor and shaking the tank. Water splashes onto the immobile Salas. Kincaid's jaw drops.>// 

**Kincaid:** My floor!

**Ginger Black:** //<Muffled.>// Ugh. 

**Amandine Nolan:** That's no good!

//<Nolan pulls the switch all the way towards herself. Once again the wire tugs the dumbbell upwards and it slams into the ceiling. The entire building shakes.>//

**Kincaid:** Okay! Okay! You don't need to bring down the ceiling to call me out!

//<Kincaid claps twice and the lights turn off. A heavy thud sounds, following by a scraping sound. When the lights come back on, the contestants are back behind their podiums, the dumbbell is on the ground, and the bench has been shoved up against the wire barricade. Black is clutching her arm with a clenched expression. Valentine puts her hand on Black's arm and pulls her into a half hug.>//

**Kincaid:** We'll call the strength test a bust! Wasn't fair for our aquatic friend anyway!

**Whale:** "Hmph! Come on, you can't even end this charade after injuring one of your contestants? Do you stand for anything at all?"

**Kincaid:** Looking at the score it's zero points for the mind section, and zero points for the strength section! Could be anyone's game! 

**Whale:** "The stakes are oh so very high." 

**Kincaid:** The mind, and body, these are both things that really can't be measured by any kind of test perfectly. But the soul? Well, Ra's been measuring the weight of souls for millennia! Of course, it should've been pretty obvious that weighing a soul against the weight of the feather would produce some inaccurate results, given that feathers don't all weigh the same! Whenever that old fella needed a new one, he'd just pluck one out! Without even checking if it was lighter or heavier than the feather that came before! And that is why Hell is overflowing with good and innocent people!

//<Kincaid stares directly into the camera.>//

**Whale:** "Uh?"

//<Kincaid holds his hand up to reveal he's holding a rope. He pulls in a cart containing several chemicals and a large glass measuring cup.>//

**Kincaid:** With this patented solution, we can break down everyone's soul into its base components! All your kindness, morality, hopes, ambitions, lust for life, ability to be a kind and attentive partner, and fetishes will be divided out into neat packages and weighted against that of the whale's! 

**Whale:** "Come on."

//<Salas takes on a horrified expression, eyes darting back and forth.>//

**Clementine Salas:** Do we have to have our souls measured? Like what if there are things we are better off not knowing about each other! 

**Ginger Black:** This is safe?

**Ambrosia Valentine:** You're going to be able to put our souls back together, right?

**Kincaid:** Yes, yes, this is perfectly safe as far as we know! Your soul is in good hands. But I can see all four of you are very nervous about this new and soon to be on the market technology. 

**Amandine Nolan:** I think it's just Clem that's-

**Kincaid:** //<Louder.>// So let me just dissuade your fears and the fears of the audience by giving a live on stage demonstration using my very own soul! 

//<Kincaid steps up to the cart and proceeds to jam his fingers down the back of his throat. He leans over the measuring cup and regurgitates a fleshy mash which lands with a wet slap. Black gags off screen. Kincaid wipes his face on his sleeve and selects a bottle, emptying the contents over the mass. The mass lets out a high pitched squeal before discovering into a group of spheres varying in size. Kincaid fishes the spheres out of the solution and piles them one by one on a scale.>// 

**Kincaid:** Would you look at that! My showmanship has doubled in weight! The camera really does add ten pounds!

//<Black puts her hand on her throat.>//

**Ginger Black:** Do you have to like- //<grimace.>// to us?

**Kincaid:** //<Continuing.>// Woah, that one's a little heavy! Looks like my ability to be a kind and attentive partner! I've really been exercising this one over the last few years! 

**Whale:** "Sigh. Lighter than a feather."

**Kincaid:** Heh... what do you mean by that?

**Whale:** "Your soul is meant to be //lighter// than a feather. You do not want your soul to gain weight."

**Kincaid:** Now didn't I just explain to our audience that feathers are of varying weight? If the show was called //"Can You Listen Better than a Whale"//, well girls, somehow you'd win. 

**Whale:** "Jeremy, cut it out. You know I hate //magic tricks//, I hate //mind games//, I don't care about //optical illusions//, or how you //misdirect people// all in the name of some imaginary //showbiz//. And the fact that you feel the need to wrap everything you do in these things is why it just won't work between us."

//<Kincaid bursts into tears, black sludge running down his face.>//

**Kincaid:** You always do this to me! Why can't you just support my interests for one second!?

**Whale:** "I'm allowed to dislike game shows! My personal taste should have nothing to do with you!"

**Kincaid:** But it's everything I do! All you want to do is criticize my jokes! It's like you don't even care about how important this is to me! You could never even say you found one of my ideas funny! And then you didn't even show up to the party I threw for us! You just disappeared! Suddenly no contact! Poof!

**Whale:** "Oh Jeremy... do you think I disappeared because I didn't find your jokes funny?"

//<Kincaid sniffles and nods.>//

**Whale:** "Our break-up had nothing to do with that! You're a fine writer with some hypothetically good ideas somewhere in there! I left you because you're a two-bit performer with no real belief or morals and you're more spineless and slimy than my cousin's Cephalopoda boyfriend!"

//<Kincaid begins sobbing. He runs off stage covering his face.>//

**Kincaid:** //<Off screen.>// You girls win! Just get out of here!

//<Confetti rains down on the four contestants as loud cheering drowns out Kincaid's sobs. Salas looks around confused. Nolan and Valentine high-five. Nolan goes to hip-bump Salas, catching Salas off guard and knocking her to the ground. The show fades out with a final look at the whale.>//

**Whale:** "Soooo is someone going to like come back here to let me out or something?"

**<End Log>**

[[/div]]

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**Addendum 9069.1:** Following the completion of the above broadcast, O5-6's staff were returned safely to the kitchen and immediately returned to work. After four hours, SCP-9069 also appeared in the kitchen gift wrapped. Below is a transcription of the first documented use of SCP-9069.

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**Home of O5-6: Kitchen**

----

**<Begin Log>**

//<The kitchen staff are all gathered around SCP-9069. Nolan kicks a wad of wrapping paper to the side.>//

**Amandine Nolan:** Are we ready?

**Ginger Black:** I mean, what's it going to do? Blow up? 

**Ambrosia Valentine:** Maybe a dog that doubles in age every second in something that blows up. Like when we find an old tupperware container in the fridge and it's full of pressure. 

**Amandine Nolan:** That's because it's a sealed container, so the germs run out of room. A dog isn't a sealed container. 

**Ambrosia Valentine:** Oh yeahhh, lots of room for germs to escape. 

**Ginger Black:** Hold on, a dog is definitely a sealed container.

**Amandine Nolan:** What's it containing?

**Ginger Black:** A... dog?

//<Salas approaches SCP-9069.>//

**Clementine Salas:** Can I... push the button?

**Ginger Black:** I guess you can go for it. 

//<Everyone but Salas takes a steps back. Salas rolls down her sleeve, takes a deep breath, and pushes the blue button.>//

//<A newly born golden retriever manifests on the kitchen floor with a wet slap. The golden retriever whimpers and yelps as it rapidly ages into a full grown dog and then into elderly dog, keeling over from extreme old age at the thirty second mark. The rapid aging continues as the dog's corpse becomes a pile of bones and the bones decompose into a pile of dust. Nothing remains of the dog by the one minute and thirty second mark. All four Factotum remain still and shell shocked.>//

//<A member of O5-6's cleaning staff, Factotum Pumpkin Sweeney, enters the kitchen.>//

**Pumpkin Sweeney:** Gee, how'd you folks track in this much dirt?

//<Ginger Black covers her face and runs out of the kitchen crying.>//

**<End Log>**

[[/div]]

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**Addendum 9069.2:** Four days after the broadcast concluded, Foundation researchers located four banks accounts opened under the names Clementine Salas, Amandine Nolan, Ambrosia Valentine, and Ginger Black. All of the accounts have a balance of zero dollars, despite the bank requiring a minimum deposit to open an account. These accounts have been placed under observation until further notice.





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SCP-9069

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