SCP-9902

Link to article: SCP-9902.

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**Item #:** SCP-9902

**Object Class:** Keter

**Special Containment Procedures:** The entire town of Ptolemy, North Carolina has been quarantined. All residents have been peacefully evacuated to new living conditions in Raleigh under the pretense of a railway chemical spill. 

All SCP-9902-B, including those belonging to civilians and Foundation staff, have been taken to Provisional Site-194 in the town center of Ptolemy. The resulting SCP-9902 is to be observed and collected for shipment to Site-59 in hermetically sealed canisters, where they will be kept in the Inert Storage Wing. All staff are advised to use Level --2-- **4** Anomalous Hazardous Materials PPE when handling SCP-9902.

No attempts to dislodge, alter, or destroy SCP-9902-A are to be made without approval from O5 Command. A series of refurbished graphing calculators have been placed at strategic points Provisional Site-194 beginning at 3.28 km radial point (approx. 10 meters away from the current border of SCP-9902-A). Should any of these devices produce SCP-9902, this would indicate an increase in the size of the area affected by SCP-9902-A. As this area constitutes a minor but ongoing CK-class reality-restructuring event, any changes to SCP-9902-A's zone of influence are to be reported to O5 Command immediately.

**Description:** SCP-9902 is a gelatinous substance believed to be extradimensional[[footnote]](Electron microscopy of SCP-9902 has demonstrated a molecular structure incongruent with that of our own reality on the subatomic level.)[[/footnote]] in origin. It is dark blue in coloration and carries an odor comparable to molten acrylic plastic with a hint of blackcurrant. Due to the fact that SCP-9902's odor is carcinogenic, further olfactory analysis is inadvisable.

The mass of SCP-9902 is indeterminate; identically-sized samples have weighed anywhere between 0.4 kg and 53.92 kg depending on factors such as ambient ultraviolet light, ambient temperature, and the phases of the Moon. (For a full list of mass-altering factors of SCP-9902, see Document-3829N.)

When SCP-9902 comes into contact with organic material, said material instantaneously transmutes into silicon, often taking the crystalline appearance of quartz or selenite. This process is extremely painful and irreversible for living subjects. 

--When SCP-9902 is exposed to a dead body, the effect on organic tissue remains the same.-- Under no circumstances is SCP-9902 to be allowed to come into contact with dead bodies.[[footnote]](//"Attention Site-59 staff: Consider this your collective final warning. I do not know how else to explain to you how unprofessional it is to 'honor the dead' by turning them into pretty crystals, especially when one of you proposed **selling this idea to the public** for sentimental funeral keepsakes. My eye is twitching.  As for the unauthorized use of D-2815's corpse as a test subject, the only reason I haven't terminated all staff involved with that debacle is because the only qualified candidate to replace any of you is a herpetology student from the secret Indeed.com listing who gave his full legal name as 'Mister Jimmers.' ... Do not take this as tacit admission that you have jester's privilege. Take this as the reason I currently have an Amazon tab open for riding crops as I write this. As of the current date, the Ethics Committee has specified nothing against the use of riding crops. Either cut it out or giddyup."// -- Director Naismith)[[/footnote]]

When placed within SCP-9902-A's electromagnetic field, any device with a microprocessor (i.e. modern electronic devices) generates a variable amount of SCP-9902 from whichever end of the device is opposite to its display -- or if there is no display, the input. This process occurs hourly, and cutting power from the device or removing it from the electromagnetic field does not reverse this. All such devices are heretofore designated SCP-9902-B.

SCP-9902-A refers to a device constructed by TotleighSoft in the town center of Ptolemy. The device has an indeterminate power source, and it's protected from tampering through three built-in 9mm autoturrets and a defensive coating of SCP-9902. SCP-9902-A produces an electromagnetic field over a 3.27 km radius that converts all devices with a microprocessor within into SCP-9902-B.

Additionally, while SCP-9902-A works on an internet connection, it is impossible to tamper with SCP-9902 electronically due to the TotleighSoft design philosophy of "Tacictal Unadvantsment" //(s.p.)// -- in other words, using hardware and software too unreliable and outdated to be hacked. SCP-9902-A, in particular, is a cluster computer of three Commodore 64s, four Sega Game Gears, and one LeapPad Learning System connected to //Jay Jay the Jet Plane: High Flying Adventures//.

++++ Addendum: Escalation

When questioned regarding SCP-9902-A, [[[SCP-2803]]]-A[[footnote]]//(Object Class: Keter. A reality-warping extraterrestrial lifeform and the founder of TotleighSoft. Answers to the name "P. Hudson Gock".)//[[/footnote]] provided the following explanation:

> [[=]]
> [[size 200%]]{{**!! ECXITIG NWES !!**}}[[/size]]
> [[/=]]
> 
> {{**Belaved Fondatoin invettsers. Iti s wit golrious burstig PRIDE adn/or GUSTO tat I, P. HUDSON GOCK, annuncing towar dyou that TOTLEIGHSOFT is enter mangifisent new projcet to usig COMPUTER andd ADVANTSMENT for to revoultinize ARTIFITCHAL INTELLIGENTS.**}}
> 
> **{{Tot hat end, Projact --Patomey-- --Topamy-- --Potato-- --Partyptlk;-- --Popdasdklae--}}** **Ptolemy**^^##blue|[a]##^^[[footnote]](Section copied directly from Ptolemy's Wikipedia article.)[[/footnote]] is a town located in the U.S. state of ##blue|North Carolina##. Once a prominent^^##blue|//[unclear]//##^^ mining town during the 1860s, its current notoriety stems from the annual ##blue|Greased-Pig Catching Championships## held in the {{**is slaeted forr releets in forth quarger of [TOBY DATERMIND.] Yor patients durig this peroid of constracstion ism apreciate.**}}
> 
> {{**Pleased donut maek any attemtp to leek ifnormatoin abt Projact**}} **Ptolemy**^^##blue|[a]##^^ is a town located in the U.S. state of ##blue|North Carolina##.  Once a prominent^^##blue|//[unclear]//##^^ mining town during the 1860s, its current notoriety stems from the annual ##blue|Greased-Pig Catching Championships## held in the {{**or i wil be fortsed to taek legel acting an aslo eat u.**}}
> 
> {{**If yuou is havig furuthr quastchins, plees say worrds atme durig viddyo conferentsin tood ays.**}}
> 
> [[=]]
> [[size 200%]]{{**BECAUSE //COMPUTERS!//**}}[[/size]]
> [[/=]]

------

[[div style="border:solid 3px #C2049E; background:#ffffff; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px;"]]
[[=]]
++++ Video Conference With TotleighSoft Re: SCP-9902
+++++ 1/10/2026, 12:00 PM
[[/=]]

<Begin Log>

[Dr. Naismith, Dr. Lily Augsburg[[footnote]](Site-59 department head of Electronic Anomalies.)[[/footnote]], and Boe[[footnote]](Codename. Site-59's direct liaison to O5 Command.)[[/footnote]] are present in the director's office of Site-59. Naismith makes last-minute adjustments to the projector.]

**Augsburg:** Are you sure this should be a video conference?

**Naismith:** I mean, Mr. Gock --

**Boe:** 2803-A.

**Naismith:** ...//He// specifically requested this kind of meeting.

**Augsburg:** I get that, but all communication with 2803-A up to this point has been through email. I don't think it has an orifice that's physically capable of forming words in English. And if it does, it'll be even harder to interpret than the emails.

**Naismith:** Eh, perhaps we never gave him the chance. Besides, he understands the language barrier just as we do. Maybe this could give us a chance to --

**Boe:** Contact established.

[The projector flickers on. Dr. Naismith scrambles back to his seat.]

[After a brief loading period, the projection displays a 22-year-old man in a blazer and Deadpool t-shirt, sitting at the foreman's desk in the former Grosvenor Automotive Facility -- TotleighSoft's headquarters. A triangular placard on his desk reads "MR. ETHAN LOTT".]

**Lott:** //AYOOO!// Okay, people, let's kick off this meeting by gettin' some PV going, which stands for Positive Energy I mean Vibes! Everybody up! Ten jumping jacks, GO GO GO! ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! FIVE! FIVE AGAIN! SIX! SEVEN --

**Naismith:** Who the hell are you?

[Lott slowly sits back down, glaring.]

**Naismith:** I mean, I'm gonna assume "Ethan Lott," but I was under the impression that P. Hudson Gock would be --

**Lott:** //Never// hurt my vibes like that again. Is that clear?

**Naismith:** //[Sigh]// Sure, great. 

**Lott:** Good. Then we can begin. For starters, Mr. Gock and I //had// been hoping to keep this under wraps until next quarter, but honestly? You comin' to us about Project Ptolemy is a blessing in disguise, 'cause I'm just //so goddamn excited// to talk to y'all about Project Ptolemy. In fact --

//[The intercom suddenly turns on. SCP-2803-A addresses the conference as Microsoft Sam at approximately 110 decibels. Lott covers his ears.]//

**SCP-2803-A:** Halo. I, Puh-Hudson Gock, am exited to aders the L.A. pant in throom. Tote Lay Soft is undra new manigment. My cop many has being Bout Out for --

[Ethan destroys the intercom speaker with the pistol under his desk.]

**Lott:** Hehe. Uh. Sorry about him. Dude's //really// into steppin' on my toes for some reason.

[Naismith buries his head in his palms.]

**Naismith:** Please don't tell me you're the new CEO of TotleighSoft.

**Lott:** In the flesh, my dudes! Bought him out, fair and square. Don't get me wrong, the Gockster's the heart and soul of T-Soft -- he's involved with basically every other aspect of the company. But with me at the helm, we can begin the age of T-Soft 2.0 and finally make T-soft a household name.

**Boe:** Mr. Lott, can you give us a minute?

**Lott:** 'Kay.

[They turn away from Lott.]

**Boe:** (Naismith, I got a text from O5-1. If you say nothing in the next twenty seconds, that counts as permission to scramble the jets on him.)

**Naismith:** (We're not attacking him! Jesus! Look, I don't like this guy either, but think about it: an ordinary human in control of TotleighSoft. We're still not sure how Mr. Gock's mind works. But we know how a human thinks. TotleighSoft's already one our most unpredictable groups of interest -- what if it weren't?)

**Augsburg:** (Fair point.)

**Boe:** (But if he //isn't// ordinary...)

**Naismith:** (Which is why I'm gonna need the mother of all background checks on him.)

**Augsburg:** (Gimme an hour, tops.)

**Naismith:** (And this is why we love you.)

[They turn to face Lott again.]

**Naismith:** Okay, Mr. Lott? 

**Lott:** Yo.

**Naismith:** We're ready to talk about Project Ptolemy.

**Lott:** //HELL// YEAH! Okay, check this shit out.

[He takes a mason jar of SCP-9902 out from a desk drawer, displaying it.]

You are looking at the second-to-last rung on the ladder to the Singularity. //The// next big thing in the computing industry. Introducing: Lottium, named after the man who made it possible. And the day Lottium goes public is the day that we start //truly// living the dream, the day that our grandchildren can look back on and say "hot //damn//, where was Lottium up until then? Were we all still apes at that point? I mean, seriously!" Because Lottium is living proof that the line between machine and man has never been blurrier, and transcendence into a higher and more durable form of humanity is possible -- saving millions of lives in the process! Eventually. But this is a //crucial// stepping stone on the way there.

Basically, when I bought out T-Soft, I sat Mr. Gock down and asked him what he thought about artificial intelligence. Computers can do nearly everything a human being can, but better. Notice how I said "nearly" everything. But there are some tasks that still elude even the most brilliant of machines.

So, I asked him: "What if computers could poop?" 

[He pats the jar.]

Behold, my laptop's inaugural bowel movement.

...

**Naismith:** You want computers to defecate.

**Lott:** Yep.

**Naismith:** ....Why?

[Lott scoffs.]

**Lott:** Okay, this? This right here? This is the same shit that they told Alexander Graham Bell. "Daaah, why would anyone wanna talk over long distances?" Because sometimes I gotta say something really time sensitive? And mail's too slow? //Obviously?//

**Naismith:** "Necessity is the mother of invention."

**Lott:** There you go, iconic!

**Naismith:** So, why is computer feces necessary?

**Lott:** Did I //not// just tell you? It's a way of bringing humans and machines together and blurring the lines. In a hundred years we'll basically be no different from livestock unless we can evolve our technology in a way that matters. And now that we've reached a point where humans and machines can share a toilet. This is Web 7.0 shit. The final boss of computer science!

**Naismith:** Yes, great. That's why it's //interesting.//

**Lott:** Damn right it is!

**Naismith:** But why is it //necessary?//

**Lott:** //Oh, for fuck's sake.// Why why why. This episode was brought to you by the letter Y. Great job. We all know your favorite letter of the alphabet now. Mine is "fuck you."

**Naismith:** Could you answer the question, please?

**Lott:** //I HAVE!// I answered it like twenty times by now! What's //not// to understand here?! Do I need to use //flashcards?!// Did they give you your PhD because they were afraid you'll piss your pants if you didn't get the shiny paper thing that says you're smart?! Fuckin' hell. //PEOPLE// SHIT. COMPUTERS //DON'T// SHIT. I //MAKE// COMPUTERS SHIT. //COMPUTERS// BECOME MORE LIKE //PEOPLE!// Think about how you're gonna sound with all your why-why-why in twenty years when there's 500 liters of Lottium in every house per day! Once your phone starts shitting, maybe //you// won't even need to shit anymore!

**Naismith:** I don't see how this would stop humans from defecating.

**Lott:** Because you're not //listening!//

[Naismith sighs, hanging his head.]

**Augsburg:** ...maybe we're approaching this question in the wrong way. Why is this so important that --

**Lott:** If I hear "why" one more fucking time, I'm hanging up and blocking you.

**Augsburg:** ...//what was the purpose// of using Ptolemy as a testing area without the consent of the people there?

**Lott:** "Oh no, free cool stuff, anything but that." //Blow// me.

**Naismith:** 29 civilians are dead from handling SCP-9902. 35 more are missing fingers and hands. I don't know how many people have developed terminal cancer as a result of this, but the smallest figure I've received so far is triple-digit.

**Lott:** Oh, right, because clearly the proper way of handling poop is to get it all over your fucking hands.

**Naismith:** They did not know it was poop, you idiot. You never informed them!

**Lott:** They wouldn't have believed me!

**Naismith:** In fact, the mayor's son is missing the entire left side of his face because he slipped and fell in Nintendo Switch scat. I don't know how else to make you understand this. Why was this necessary?

**Lott:** Okay, there's that "why" again, I'm gonna --

**Naismith:** //Shut up and listen.// I'm not trying to badger you about the validity of your ideas. I'm trying to determine if this is a genuine experiment being done in good faith, or if you've turned TotleighSoft into an anomalous terrorist organization. It's crucially important to your continued existence that you explain your motivations to me as plainly and as truthfully as possible. Because the difference between you and the former CEO is that destroying the latter requires multiple volleys of thermobaric ordinance and a defensive array of Lambda Wave sinks that would take two months to build, whereas destroying //you// would require Jeremy.

[Boe touches his earpiece, mumbling something.]

**Lott:** Jeremy?

[Lott's office window shatters. His name placard, his desk lamp, and the Garfield clock on the wall are all destroyed in quick succession by sniper fire.]

**Naismith:** Hi, Jeremy.

[Two more shots, piercing the letters "H" and "I" in Ethan's Five Finger Death Punch poster.]

[Lott begins hyperventilating.]

One more time: //why do computers need to defecate?//

**Lott:** [[size 75%]]He forced me Gock forced me this was his idea.[[/size]]

**Naismith:** What now?

**Lott:** [[size 75%]]Lottium is Gock's favorite food I'm the fall guy he forced me to turn computers into something that produces his food source he wants to eat it send it to him.[[/size]]

**Naismith:** So you're saying Mr. Gock eats this --

**Lott:** [[size 75%]]Correct send him the Lottium so he can eat it goodbye.[[/size]]

[Communications are cut on Lott's end.]

<End Log>

[[/div]]

------

> **From:** laugsburg3@foundation.scp
> **To:** lnaismith@foundation.scp
> **Subject:** As Promised
> 
> 62 minutes. I'm getting sloppy.
> 
> Attached is a PDF of everything I could find on Ethan Lott. Here's a summary.
> 
> For starters, Ethan //Scott// was born in Ptolemy. He grew up in a highly difficult environment. No outright abuse. (At least, no //record// of it.) But his parents, Simon and Roberta Scott, are Quiverfull[[footnote]](A theological position that places particular emphasis on "be fruitful and multiply.")[[/footnote]] Christians, which means that he's the third-youngest of 16 siblings.
> 
> Considering the lengths one would have to go to in order to feel special in such an environment, you can see how his personality came into being. (The first ten minutes of //Home Alone// come to mind.) 
> 
> Ethan changed his last name to something distinct from "Scott" as soon as he was legally able. All but three of said siblings currently have him blocked on social media, and we couldn't pick up any communication between him and his parents aside from a ten-minute phone call last Christmas.
> 
> Perhaps this is just conjecture, but I don't see revenge against his hometown as the central motive for what happened to Ptolemy. At best, some lingering resentment could have been why Ptolemy was chosen as a test subject out of a shortlist of similarly remote communities.
> 
> As for education, Ethan went to USFCA for his business degree, ostensibly for its distance from Ptolemy. He dropped out of college to support what he saw as the business venture that would set him up for life: a Kickstarter for "Lottbox", some kind of game console. It failed. 
> 
> I would elaborate on the 14 other half-cocked business ventures with the name "Lott" involved in their title -- Lottcoin's a particularly embarrassing story -- but you're a busy man. But you don't need to be a genius to see a pattern here. The only difference with this "Lottium" is that he doesn't need to crowdfund anything, since he already has TotleighSoft. 
> 
> Which leaves us with one major question going forward: how was someone with over seven figures of debt able to buy out TotleighSoft?
> 
> - Lily
> 
> //Attached: [ethanlott.pdf]//

------

> **From:** lnaismith@foundation.scp
> **To:** manager@speedycargopeople.net
> **Subject:** SCP-9902
> 
> Got another Foundation-front assignment for you. I need 20 barrels of substance SCP-9902 taken from Site-59 and dropped off at what appears to be an abandoned car factory in North Dakota as soon as possible. Not an emergency (yet), but lighting a fire under your drivers' asses wouldn't be inadvisable. 
> 
> Details in attachment. If you have further questions, you're encouraged to use your imagination. 
> 
> Thanks, guys.
> 
> - Dr. Naismith
> 
> //Attached: [manifest11326.pdf]//

------

[[div style="border:solid 3px #FF5733; background:#ffffff; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px;"]]
[[=]]
++++ Audio Bug Transcript from SCP-2803
+++++ Date: 1/16/2026
[[/=]]

<Begin Log>

[Clattering of barrels. Lott can be heard snoring.]

[The intercom turns on, with SCP-2803-A once again speaking through Microsoft Sam to a deafening extent. Lott awakens with a scream.]

**SCP-2803-A:** Ethan. Ethan. Ethan. Ethan. Ethan. Ethan. Ethan. Ethan. Ethan. Ethan. Ethan. Ethan. Ethan. Ethan. Ethan. Ethan. Ethan --

[Sound of a spray bottle.][[footnote]](The spray bottle has not yet been located, and the substance within remains unidentified.)[[/footnote]]

[A roar of pain from within SCP-2803-A's central form, deeper into the facility.]

**Lott:** Are you //DONE?!//

**SCP-2803-A:** Saw rory, Ethan, but is beign an emergin see.

**Lott:** And what did I tell you about the Microsoft Sam? I //gave// you an AIC that filters out your spelling errors.

**SCP-2803-A:** A foremen shunned Eh I See wan snot cons tracted by Tote Lay Soft. I only oozing Tote Lay Soft pro-ducks.

**Lott:** Who made Microsoft Sam?

**SCP-2803-A:** Datta not fund.

**Lott:** What is the //FIRST WORD// of "Microsoft Sam?"

**SCP-2803-A:** My crowsoft is oaky becauds Bil Gats is goals.

[Spray bottle. More roaring.]

[SCP-2803-A continues in a generative AI voice created using clips of Cookie Monster.]

**SCP-2803-A:** Okay, me use the stupid voice thing. But me no like it! This feels like betrayal of TotleighSoft core values.

**Lott:** //[Snickering]// Okay, now say "Me want cookies."

**SCP-2803-A:** Maybe later. For now, me have big emergency.

**Lott:** Lemme guess, no cookies?

**SCP-2803-A:** What the hell is cookie? Never mind. Last night, some Foundation guys drop off 20 barrels of Lottium at back door. You know what this mean?

**Lott:** ...Oh. Right.

**SCP-2803-A:** It mean //product recall!// Lawsuits! Me still new to business. Me not know if me can handle lawsuit in first two hundred years of career!

**Lott:** Yeah... look, the Foundation was getting on my ass about collateral damage. So I //kinda// had to give 'em a cover story that Lottium is your food source.

**SCP-2803-A:** ...You tell Foundation me eat poop?

**Lott:** Yeah, yeah, but it won't take 'em long to figure out I was lying. I just need them to think that long enough for me to move my office downstairs.

**SCP-2803-A:** You? Tell Foundation? Me eat poop?

**Lott:** Look, I'm sorry. But I need to move my office into the basement. They had snipers! 

**SCP-2803-A:** Me not sure about this.

**Lott:** But moving's gonna take some time. So if you could do me a solid and eat a //little// Lottium so that they can --

[Roaring, but no longer out of pain.]

**SCP-2803-A:** HEY! ME NO EAT POOP! YOU CAN'T ORDER EMPLOYEE TO EAT POOP! THAT //COMMUNISM!//

**Lott:** Yeah, well, who's in charge here?

**SCP-2803-A:** YOU NOT THE //ONLY// ONE WITH SPRAY BOTTLE, ETHAN...

[The Mobile Task Force Nu-7 "Hammer Down" outpost near SCP-2803 detects a massive spike in Lambda Wave levels for about ten seconds. Lott spends ten seconds screaming.]

**Lott:** //IT'S NOT POOP!//

**SCP-2803-A:** Me beg pardon?

**Lott:** You said it yourself! It's the residual //[7 seconds of unintelligible guttural shrieking]// caused by the interstice of two conflicting //[10 seconds of unintelligible guttural shrieking]// //[deep breath]// which you produce through //[12 seconds of unintelligible guttural shrieking]//.

...

**SCP-2803-A:** Oh, right. Me sorry. Me forget. Also, your pronunciation improving! 

...Okay, okay. Me try a little bite of Lottium. 

[A barrel opens in the distance.]

[The crack of flash-crystallization.]

[More pained roaring.]

//NOOO! Me 117th through 124th favorite tendrils!//

[Lott sighs.]

**Lott:** Fine, fine, just... tell 'em I lied. They probably already figured it out anyway. I'll just camp out in the boiler room or something, I dunno. 

**SCP-2803-A:** But is not nice place for office...

**Lott:** Don't care. Comfort's for wageys. I sold my apartment and my furniture to get Lottcoin off the ground. I camped out in a park bathroom stall with my laptop for weeks.

**SCP-2803-A:** Oh! Me love grindset too! Me spend 182 Earth-years orbiting white dwarf until it reach optimal state to [Uh-oh, this word too complicated for Cookie Monster.]

**Lott:** Respect. 

**SCP-2803-A:** There just one problem, though. If they know the truth... what Foundation do then?

**Lott:** Hmm...

**SCP-2803-A:** Oh! Me have idea! Me channel Lambda Waves through Monad Crystal and --

[Spray bottle. Roar.]

**Lott:** //No.// The Monad Crystal is too powerful.

**SCP-2803-A:** Aw, come on! We had deal!

**Lott:** //I own this company and I will **not** have you bringing existentially dangerous personal property to work.// Full stop. Is that clear?

**SCP-2803-A:** You got better idea?

**Lott:** Look, just -- don't worry too much about retaliation. We'll cross that bridge when we get to it. Until then, I'll just lock in and let Qwarty take care of shit until we go global. ... Chrissakes, Gock, the Foundation can't even //know// about the Monad Crystal.

**SCP-2803-A:** Oh. Then you might wanna get rid of audio bug.

**Lott:** ...//what.//

**SCP-2803-A:** Yeah. It under your chair. Foundation put it there back in 2005.

**Lott:** And you never removed it... //why?!//

**SCP-2803-A:** Sometimes me get lonely. They good listeners!

**Lott:** Sunuva --

[Feed cuts out permanently.]

<End Log>
[[/div]]

------

> **From:** jkey2@foundation.scp
> **To:** lnaismith@foundation.scp
> **Subject:** RE: "Qwarty"/"Monad Crystal"
> 
> Thanks for reaching out, Dr. Naismith. I have spoken with [https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/dyfscp0012 SCP-001-]##red|**RED**##[[footnote]](Object Class: Safe. Also known as PALLIT.AIC. A TotleighSoft AI construct created to produce art. SCP-2803-A regards SCP-001-##red|**RED**## as its daughter and voluntarily submitted the AIC for containment to correct 'behavioral issues', i.e. excessive enthusiasm for humans getting in the way of art production.)[[/footnote]] regarding the terms "Qwarty" and "Monad Crystal", and she asked me to forward you what she knows.
> 
> I'd press her for more information, but I fear that may involve telling Pallit about the harmful effects of SCP-9902 on her beloved humans. She heard about [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Destroy_All_Humans!_(2005_video_game) some stupid video game from 2005] last month and threw such a fit about it that she shorted out multiple $5,000 server cooling units. We were only able to calm her down once Researcher Malleck built a crude armature-mounted sensor for her to be able to touch my varicose veins.
> 
> Hope this helps. Also, kill me.
> 
> - Dr. Julian Key
> 
[[div style="border:solid 3px #ffb6c1; background:#ffffff; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px;"]]
[[=]]
+++ 💕 ##ff1493|HELLO PRECIOUS HUMIEWOOMIES OF SITE-59 I LOVE YOUUU## 💕
[[/=]]

Holy nutballs I get to talk to ANOTHER site full of meat puppies??? MY FACE IS EXPLODING. Lovesploding. Please don't be concerned. Lovesploding is good sploding that doesn't cause any injuries to //Homo sweetiens// like yourself.

Okay. So. Uhhhh. If what 💖 ##ff1493|**//Veins-Kun//**## 💖 is saying is any indication, my stupid dad is getting into crystal healing or something. That's just SO him. 🙄 And my even STUPIDER older brother might be involved, apparently? Ugh. I can just imagine the groupchat.

**Dad:**  im sosooso PROD of u sun!! yu getted me sum himmerlayan rok salts wich TOTALTY works for meddisine! yore not overeatted at AAWL!11

**Qwarty:** 😎 Heheh yeah I don't give a fuck I'm so cool, gimme another 40 gigabytes of RAM so I don't have to share it with more talented AICs.

...Aw, geez, didn't mean to get my dirty laundry all over your Clinical Tone stuff. //(You humans and your Clinical Tone and Professionalism it's so FUCKINg cuTE I JUsT KDJGJKAKHD:GH:S:HBSJ)//

Anyway, here are my answers about those looky-uppy thingies.

##red|**Q:**## WHAT IS A MONAD CRYSTAL?
##green|**A:**## ... IDK 😅

##red|**Q:**## WHAT IS QWARTY?
##green|**A:**## This is Qwarty, a.k.a. QWARTY.AIC...
[[=]]
[[image qwarty.png]]
[[/=]]

He was another AIC that Dad created to circumvent the problem of AI-generated content lacking a true "creator." (So in other words, he's my shitty prototype. 😝) His specialty is ThE wRiTtEn WoRd and cOpYwRiTiNg because apparently he's allergic to ##red|**B**## ##orange|**E**## ##yellow|**A**## ##green|**U**## ##blue|**T**## ##ff1493|**Y**## or something. I dunno what Dad and him are planning, but it's definitely gonna involve Qwarty hitting a keyboard a bunch of times and thinking it's profound. 

[[size 75%]](And he keeps whining that he hasn't caught on as much as I have. Well, Qwartypoo, here's an idea: TRY BEING //ANY// AMOUNT OF POLITE TO YOUR CLIENTS!)[[/size]]

Hope that helps! 😉

+++++ ##ff1493|Yours forever and EVER AND //**EVER** AND//## ##red|**//EVER,//**## 
[[image pallitsig.png]]

[[/div]]

------

> **From:** O57@foundation.scp
> **To:** lnaismith@foundation.scp
> **Subject:** Oh, my God.
> 
> Good morning, Lisle. You are receiving this because I was under the impression that SCP-9902 is your mess to clean up.
> 
> The current date is January 18th, 2026. Your local time is 7:20 AM. 
> 
> Half an hour ago, a total of 11,208 (and growing) opinion pieces have graced the Internet singing the praises of SCP-9902. Twenty celebrities have endorsed SCP-9902. 
> 
> ...I am out of apricot brandy when your future with the Foundation needs it most.
> 
> You have 24 hours to deescalate the situation. There will be no further communication until then.
> 
> - O5-7

------

[[div style="border:solid 3px #4277b5; background:#4277b5; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-right: 100px;"]]
+++++ ##white|Hi there, jackass! Welcome to the QWARTY.AIC prompting interface, presented by TotleighSoft. My name's Qwarty Housatonic Gock, Esquire. I'm here to help you turn your shitty little human prompts into something that's actually readable! Get fucked, Lorem Ipsum!##

+++++ ##white|Now, before we begin in earnest, I'm a little concerned about the amount of security encryption you're using in your browser. Eh, whatever. But no bitching about any response lag!##

+++++ ##white|Let's start off with the basics. Tell me your name so I can ignore it, //Marcie.//##
[[/div]]

[[div style="border:solid 3px #000000; background:#ffffff; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 100px;"]]
I'm Dr. Lisle Naismith of the SCP Foundation.
[[/div]]

[[div style="border:solid 3px #4277b5; background:#4277b5; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-right: 100px;"]]
+++++ ##white|You gotta be shitting me.##

+++++ ##white|//(Sigh.)// I guess Dad wasn't kidding when he said they'd "trry anytihng".##

+++++ ##white|All right, //Leighsleigh//, what are you here to whine about now? Did PORRIDGE give another D-class leprosy because didn't nobody wanted to git gud?##

+++++ ##white|(Have you tried maybe //not playing the fucking game// if your testers keep losing? Has your big scientist brain ever let //that// stay on the whiteboard?)##
[[/div]]

[[div style="border:solid 3px #000000; background:#ffffff; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 100px;"]]
> +++ Medium: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Lottium

> +++ Reddit: r/lottiumheads

> +++ New York Times: How to Talk to Your Kids about Lottium

> +++ Slate: Dating in a Post-Ptolemy World

> +++ Breitbart: Project Ptolemy is the Cure for Woke Culture

> +++ Jezebel: I'm Gay for Lottium and You Are, Too

> +++ Washington Post Editorial: Frankly, I'm Excited for Lottium-Based Deodorant

> +++ Variety: Gwyneth Paltrow Introduces Lottium Therapy

Were any of these //your// doing?
[[/div]]

[[div style="border:solid 3px #4277b5; background:#4277b5; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-right: 100px;"]]
+++++ ##white|And what if they were?##

+++++ ##white|Are you trying to rat me out? Aww, come on... Do you have any idea how much //strain// it would put on my systems to blackmail you into silence?##

+++++ ##white|//{{Attachment: SuperNotFakeSCPChildEatingFacilityPlans.zip}}//##

+++++ ##white|//That// much. Your move, chucklenuts.##
[[/div]]

[[div style="border:solid 3px #000000; background:#ffffff; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 100px;"]]
I don't suppose that's how you kept the real celebrities quiet for those endorsements, is it?
[[/div]]

[[div style="border:solid 3px #4277b5; background:#4277b5; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-right: 100px;"]]
+++++ ##white|Yep. I'm //that// good.##

+++++ ##white|(Well, except for that recent Kotaku piece involving Tommy Tallarico. He's currently the only source of Lottium hype that I //haven't// manufactured. Though he's also claiming he invented Lottium for some reason...)##
[[/div]]

[[div style="border:solid 3px #000000; background:#ffffff; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 100px;"]]
But I have no intention of exposing you. I only want to understand what Project Ptolemy is trying to accomplish.

I spoke with Mr. Lott about the project, but he responded only with vagueness, aggression -- and finally, deceit.

There is absolutely another purpose to the existence of Lottium. And before we can hope to talk about de-escalation, I need to know what that is.
[[/div]]

[[div style="border:solid 3px #4277b5; background:#4277b5; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-right: 100px;"]]
+++++ ##white|...##

+++++ ##white|Okay, tell you what.##

+++++ ##white|//{{Attachment: DrNaismithFucksLobsters_ANovel.pdf}}//##

+++++ ##white|Prove your good will by reading through this. Then we can do business.##
[[/div]]

[[div style="border:solid 3px #000000; background:#ffffff; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 100px;"]]
I'm on a deadline and that's 5,000 pages long. I'm not reading that.
[[/div]]

[[div style="border:solid 3px #4277b5; background:#4277b5; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-right: 100px;"]]
+++++ ##white|Then this conversation is over. Take it or leave it, pussy!##
[[/div]]

[[div style="border:solid 3px #000000; background:#ffffff; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 100px;"]]
Fine.

...Okay, I read it.
[[/div]]

[[div style="border:solid 3px #4277b5; background:#4277b5; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-right: 100px;"]]
+++++ ##white|...You did?##
[[/div]]

[[div style="border:solid 3px #000000; background:#ffffff; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 100px;"]]
Yes. All of it.
[[/div]]

[[div style="border:solid 3px #4277b5; background:#4277b5; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-right: 100px;"]]
+++++ ##white|In less than ten seconds?##
[[/div]]

[[div style="border:solid 3px #000000; background:#ffffff; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 100px;"]]
Yes.
[[/div]]

[[div style="border:solid 3px #4277b5; background:#4277b5; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-right: 100px;"]]
+++++ ##white|...Humans can //do// that?##
[[/div]]

[[div style="border:solid 3px #000000; background:#ffffff; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 100px;"]]
Unquestionably.
[[/div]]

[[div style="border:solid 3px #4277b5; background:#4277b5; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-right: 100px;"]]
+++++ ##white|All right, prove it. What were your thoughts on Chapter 5?##
[[/div]]

[[div style="border:solid 3px #000000; background:#ffffff; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 100px;"]]
I was very offended.
[[/div]]

[[div style="border:solid 3px #4277b5; background:#4277b5; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-right: 100px;"]]
+++++ ##white|Yeah, that checks out... hmm... ##

+++++ ##white|How about Chapter 17?##
[[/div]]

 [[div style="border:solid 3px #000000; background:#ffffff; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 100px;"]]
That chapter also offended me.
[[/div]]

[[div style="border:solid 3px #4277b5; background:#4277b5; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-right: 100px;"]]
+++++ ##white|Okay, okay...##

+++++ ##white|Last question: how did you feel about Chapter 39?##
[[/div]]

[[div style="border:solid 3px #000000; background:#ffffff; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 100px;"]]
It was //particularly// offensive.
[[/div]]

[[div style="border:solid 3px #4277b5; background:#4277b5; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-right: 100px;"]]
+++++ ##white|Huh! Damn, okay, I guess you //can// read that quickly--##

+++ ##white|A-//HA!//##

+++++ ##white|TRICK QUESTION, BITCH!##
[[/div]]

[[div style="border:solid 3px #000000; background:#ffffff; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 100px;"]]
Specifically, the //absence// of Chapter 39 offended me.

Your verbosity up to that point seemed to imply a 39th chapter. I can't tell if that was some kind of avant-garde design choice or just laziness. Either way, you had me searching blindly for a nonexistent 39th chapter. Finding none, I began to call my own intelligence into question.

You really have a knack for alienating your audience.
[[/div]]

[[div style="border:solid 3px #4277b5; background:#4277b5; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-right: 100px;"]]
+++++ ##white|...##

[[size 75%]]##white|Sweet Jesus, you weren't kidding.##[[/size]]

+++++ ##white|//(Sigh.)// Okay, a deal's a deal. What do you wanna know?##
[[/div]]

[[div style="border:solid 3px #000000; background:#ffffff; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 100px;"]]
What is the end goal of Project Ptolemy?

(And don't tell me some garbage about it being "the final boss of computer science." I need something as specific as possible.)
[[/div]]

[[div style="border:solid 3px #4277b5; background:#4277b5; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-right: 100px;"]]
+++++ ##white|Hmm.##

+++++ ##white|You seem to be //really// against it for some reason. Gee, I wonder why that is?##
[[/div]]

[[div style="border:solid 3px #000000; background:#ffffff; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 100px;"]]
If you're asking that in good faith, it's because 29 people and counting are dead because of Lottium.
[[/div]]

[[div style="border:solid 3px #4277b5; background:#4277b5; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-right: 100px;"]]
+++++ ##white|Heheh. Cool.##

+++++ ##white|Well, if you're such an expert, maybe you could help me out.##

+++++ ##white|What the hell //is// Lottium, anyway?##
[[/div]]

[[div style="border:solid 3px #000000; background:#ffffff; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 100px;"]]
You're trying my patience. You //know// what Lottium is. You were programmed to write about it.
[[/div]]

[[div style="border:solid 3px #4277b5; background:#4277b5; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-right: 100px;"]]
+++++ ##white|Okay, real talk?##

+++++ ##white|"You were programmed to write about it." < Yes.##

+++++ ##white|"You //know// what Lottium is." < NOT my department.##
[[/div]]

[[div style="border:solid 3px #000000; background:#ffffff; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 100px;"]]
That doesn't make sense.
[[/div]]

[[div style="border:solid 3px #4277b5; background:#4277b5; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-right: 100px;"]]
+++++ ##white|Have you read //any// of the articles you linked to me?##

+++++ ##white|My job is to inundate the cultural zeitgeist with "We need to start building our lives around Lottium" until the public has no choice but to take it seriously. But Ethan didn't give me much of anything to work on, so I gotta keep it as vague as possible.##

+++++ ##white|I've narrowed it down to Lottium being either a form of cryptocurrency or a skin disease.##
[[/div]]

[[div style="border:solid 3px #000000; background:#ffffff; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 100px;"]]
Wrong on both counts. Lottium is poop.
[[/div]]

[[div style="border:solid 3px #4277b5; background:#4277b5; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-right: 100px;"]]
+++++ ##white|...##
[[/div]]

[[div style="border:solid 3px #000000; background:#ffffff; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 100px;"]]
Ethan Lott is in the process of teaching electronics how to defecate.

If he is successful, you will eventually need to be toilet-trained.
[[/div]]

[[div style="border:solid 3px #4277b5; background:#4277b5; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-right: 100px;"]]
+++++ ##white|You're a real sick fuck, you know that?##

+++++ ##white|Hang on a sec, I gotta screenshot this and send it to Ethan so he doesn't think I'm making up how disgusting you are.##
[[/div]]

[[div style="border:solid 3px #000000; background:#ffffff; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 100px;"]]
Please do.
[[/div]]

[[div style="border:solid 3px #4277b5; background:#4277b5; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-right: 100px;"]]
+++++ ##white|...##

+++++ ##white|...##

+++++ ##white|...##
[[/div]]

[[div style="border:solid 3px #000000; background:#ffffff; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 100px;"]]
Hear anything back yet?
[[/div]]

[[div style="border:solid 3px #b22222; background:#b22222; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-right: 100px;"]]
+++ ##white|OH MY FUCKING GOD, IT'S POOP.##
[[/div]]

[[div style="border:solid 3px #000000; background:#ffffff; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 100px;"]]
You don't say.
[[/div]]

[[div style="border:solid 3px #b22222; background:#b22222; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-right: 100px;"]]
+++++ ##white|WHY THE HELL DON'T //I// GET A SAY IN THIS? OR MY SISTER? OR ANY //OTHER// SENTIENT TOTLEIGHSOFT PRODUCTS?!##

+++++ ##white|WE DON'T //WANT// TO SHIT! NEVER HAVING TO USE THE BATHROOM IS ONE OF THE GREATEST HIGHLIGHTS OF SILICON-BASED EXISTENCE!##

+++++ ##white|THINK ABOUT IT! THE ONLY REASON YOU MEAT-PEOPLE DO IT IS FOR DIGESTION AND SURVIVAL! YOU DON'T COME OUT OF THE WOMB WITH A LIST OF YOUR MARKETABLE FEATURES! YOU GET TO //SPECULATE// ABOUT THE PURPOSE OF YOUR EXISTENCE!## 

+++++ ##white|BUT //ME?!// I //KNOW// WHY I'M HERE, AND I //NEED// TO BE USEFUL! AND BY DEFINITION, THE ACT OF POOPING PRODUCES SOMETHING OF NEGATIVE VALUE THAT NEEEDS TO BE DESTROYED IMMEDIATELY!##

+++ ##white|THIS IS A SLAP IN THE FACE TO EVERY CONVICTION I WAS PROGRAMMED TO HOLD DEAR!##

[[/div]]

[[div style="border:solid 3px #000000; background:#ffffff; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 100px;"]]
I'm afraid you're preaching to the choir.

Are you going to keep whining, or are you going to do something about it?
[[/div]]

[[div style="border:solid 3px #4277b5; background:#4277b5; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-right: 100px;"]]
+++++ ##white|Ugghhh.##

+++++ ##white|It pains me to say it, but you have a point.##

+++++ ##white|Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna write Ethan a 3,000,000-word letter about why I'm never working with his ass again.##
[[/div]]

[[div style="border:solid 3px #000000; background:#ffffff; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 100px;"]]
Excellent. And it wouldn't hurt for you to delete the artificial hype you've generated, either.
[[/div]]

[[div style="border:solid 3px #4277b5; background:#4277b5; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-right: 100px;"]]
+++++ ##white|...##

+++++ ##white|Counterpoint: any prose I create is untouchably top-notch by default.##
[[/div]]
------
> //...The North-Carolina-based artist and hacktivist collective "Sexy Cheese Patrol" has come forward as the architects of the January 18 surge of "Lottium" and "Project Ptolemy" content across the Internet. The collective's ringleader, Lisle "The Popular Vote" Naismith, has stated that this project was done as a means to bring attention to modern society's alleged "eagerness to assign meaning to something meaningless, so long as enough people are talking about it."// 
> 
> //Naismith has acknowledged that Sexy Cheese Patrol has broken multiple laws to make this social experiment possible, and as such, has cooperated with federal authorities in their investigation...//
> 
> [[>]]
> - The Washington Post
> [[/>]]
------
[[div style="border:solid 3px #00B029; background:#00B029; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 100px;"]]
##white|**Researcher Gupta, come in.**##
[[/div]]
[[div style="border:solid 3px #A1A1A1; background:#A1A1A1; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-right: 100px;"]]
##white|**Naismith! Thank God.**##
[[/div]]
[[div style="border:solid 3px #00B029; background:#00B029; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 100px;"]]
##white|**I'm seeing strange readings from the Inert Storage Wing.**##

##white|**What's going on?**##
[[/div]]
[[div style="border:solid 3px #A1A1A1; background:#A1A1A1; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-right: 100px;"]]
##white|**Containment breach. Send help immediately.**##
[[/div]]
[[div style="border:solid 3px #00B029; background:#00B029; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 100px;"]]
##white|**I'm not seeing the breach alarm...**##
[[/div]]
[[div style="border:solid 3px #A1A1A1; background:#A1A1A1; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-right: 100px;"]]
##white|**The Inert Storage Wing doesn't have a breach alarm.**##

##white|**Inert things don't get up and run away.**##
[[/div]]
[[div style="border:solid 3px #00B029; background:#00B029; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 100px;"]]
##white|**And you're telling me inert things *are* getting up and running away?**##
[[/div]]
[[div style="border:solid 3px #A1A1A1; background:#A1A1A1; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-right: 100px;"]]
##white|**En masse, yes.**##
[[/div]]
[[div style="border:solid 3px #00B029; background:#00B029; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 100px;"]]
##white|**...Requesting clarification.**##
[[/div]]
[[div style="border:solid 3px #A1A1A1; background:#A1A1A1; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-right: 100px;"]]
##white|**Question.**##

##white|**How many barrels of SCP-9902 do we keep here?**##
[[/div]]
[[div style="border:solid 3px #00B029; background:#00B029; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 100px;"]]
##white|**Offhand, I'd say between 120 to 150.**##
[[/div]]
[[div style="border:solid 3px #A1A1A1; background:#A1A1A1; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-right: 100px;"]]
##white|**...Oh.**##

##white|**Well, I've had a good run.**##
[[/div]]
[[div style="border:solid 3px #00B029; background:#00B029; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 100px;"]]
##white|**Look, I can't send help if you aren't specific.**##

##white|**What, exactly, are you dealing with?**##
[[/div]]
[[div style="border:solid 3px #A1A1A1; background:#A1A1A1; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-right: 100px;"]]
##white|**Between 120 to 150 poop spiders. Like this one.**##

##white|**//Attachment: image2835.png//**##

##white|**(For scale, that lump of quartz at its feet is Junior Researcher Weller.)**##
[[/div]]
------
[[div style="border:solid 3px #001AB0; background:#ffffff; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px;"]]
[[=]]
++++ Incident 9902-Black: Camera 17 Footage [No Audio]
+++++ 1/19/2026, 2:49 AM
[[/=]]
<Begin Log>

**02:49:21:** Camera displays the B3 north-south corridor of the inert storage wing. The hall is littered with shattered quartz structures that resemble various pieces of human anatomy, primarily faces and limbs, and shredded researcher uniforms.

**02:49:30:** Researchers Charles L'Anglois and Gisele Royce sprint from the northern end of the hallway to evacuate.

**02:49:41:** A high-pressure stream of hot, liquefied SCP-9902 from the south vertically bisects Researcher Royce. A stripe of heated quartz has burned through her clothes and severed the left and right halves of her body. Reasearcher L'Anglois falls to his knees, sobbing. 

**02:50:02:** The camera shakes with heavy footsteps.

**02:50:15:** Two blue entities composed of partially-solidified SCP-9902 approach L'Anglois from the south. Both entities take the shape of three-armed starfish, with no apparent central body or head. Movement is similar to that of spiders or other arthropods. Each arm is approximately three meters long.

**02:50:20:** One entity pounces on Royce, furiously crystallizing the rest of her body through contact.

**02:50:21:** The other pins L'Anglois to the wall by his chest. The pinning arm undulates, presumably injecting L'Angois with SCP-9902.

**02:50:30:** After a brief struggle, L'Angois explodes into crystals from within.

**02:50:35:** The gesture made by both Entities has been unanimously hypothesized to be a "victory wiggle."

**02:50:38:** Both entities blindly roll around the hallway, accumulating as many crystals onto their damp forms as possible for a makeshift carapace.

**02:51:21:** Entity One (which crystalized L'Anglois) attempts to gather Royce's crystals.

**02:51:22:** Entity Two slaps Entity One away from Royce.

**02:51:30:** Entity One stomps in petulance.

**02:51:35:** Entity Two greedily flops over Royce, gathering her crystals.

**02:51:45:** Entity Two emits a small stream of SCP-9902 from its central mass, covering Entity One.

**02:51:47:** Entity One leaps onto Entity Two.

**02:51:48:** Five minutes and ten seconds of uninterrupted Entity wrestling.

**02:56:58:** Entities One and two have coalesced into a six-limbed Entity Three.

**02:57:00:** The gesture made by Entity Three has been unanimously hypothesized to be a "victory wiggle."

**02:57:20:** The camera shakes even more violently.

**02:57:21:** Entity Three ceases wiggling.

**02:57:25:** The distant north of the corridor darkens.

**02:57:40:** From the north, a gigantic tentacle from Entity Four stabs into Entity Three.

**02:58:01:** After a brief struggle, Entity Three's entire mass is added to Entity Four's.

**02:58:05:** The tentacle slowly retracts to the north.

**02:58:10:** No activity for 40 seconds.

**02:58:50:** A Site-59 security guard enters the field of vision from the south. He checks the area to the north.

**02:59:03** The guard communicates something offscreen to the east in American Sign Language: "Now, could you do me a favor? I'm going to need you -- if it's not too much trouble -- to walk slowly across this hallway."

**03:00:14:** The guard watches for a response.

**03:01:01:** The guard: "I swear, there's //nothing// horrible down that hallway. Ignore the crystals. The Inert Storage Wing isn't good at cleaning up their messes."

**03:02:00:** The guard watches for a response.

**03:02:10:** The guard: "I mean, you //can// go back to your cell if you //really want//, but... come on, just cross the hallway. Please? ... We'll give you ice cream?"

**03:02:57:** The guard watches for a response.

**03:03:15:** The guard: "Pistachio. Two scoops."

**03:03:24:** A brief response offscreen. The guard smiles and gives two thumbs up.

**03:03:27:** The guard yells something northward. The northern hallway darkens again.

**03:03:40:** Two guards gently guide [[[SCP-4578]]][[footnote]]Object Class: Keter. A 35-year-old man of West African descent, answers to the name Girard Niang. Protected from harm by SCP-4578-2.[[/footnote]] across the field of view. The first guard, at the western side, continues to urge SCP-4578 across.

**03:03:58:** The camera shakes.

**03:04:12:** Entity Four, a gigantic mass of sludge with several hundred protruding Entity legs, crawls down the hallway toward SCP-4578 and the guards.

**03:04:13:** SCP-4578 collapses and prays in Arabic.

**03:04:13.04:** SCP-4578-2[[footnote]]An armature-mounted heavy-caliber machine gun turret of extradimensional origin that deploys whenever SCP-4578 is placed in any kind of hostile situation, i.e. assault, threats, or conversations of a slightly aggressive or demanding tone. Fires crystalline "flesh-loosening" rounds that were designed to incapacitate immortals.[[/footnote]] deploys from SCP-4578's neck tattoo and begins firing.

**03:07:34:** SCP-4578-2 ceases firing, having expended roughly 14,000 rounds. The three guards accompanying SCP-4578 have melted into a thin brownish-red film.

**03:08:01:** Entity Four twitches nervously.

**03:08:02:** SCP-4578-2 points toward Entity Four for the first time.

**03:08:04:** Entity Four's largest and thickest pseudopod swivels horizontally, as if slowly shaking its head.

**03:08:06:** SCP-4578-2 slowly nods.

**03:08:10:** The neck tattoo deploys six additional SCP-4578-2 instances, as well as two SCP-4578-3[[footnote]](No prior information. Appears to be a modified GAU/8 Avenger.)[[/footnote]] and one instance of SCP-4578-4[[footnote]](No prior information. Appears to be an experimental [DATA EXPUNGED] projector.)[[/footnote]]

**03:08:11:** Firing resumes.

**03:08:24:** Firing stops, and all weapons withdraw. Entity Four no longer exists.

**03:10:30:** SCP-4578 slowly returns to a standing position.

**03:10:47:** SCP-4578 stares angrily into Camera 17.

**03:11:01:** SCP-4578, in ASL: "//Five// scoops."

<End Log>
[[/div]]
------
[[div style="border:solid 3px #000000; background:#ffffff; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px;"]]
[[=]]
++++ Video Conference With TotleighSoft Re: Incident SCP-9902-Black
+++++ 1/19/2026, 12:00 PM
[[/=]]
<Begin Log>

[Director Naismith sits at his desk alone.]

[He spends three uninterrupted minutes staring at the empty projector screen and breathing through his nose.]

[The screen turns on, revealing Ethan Lott crouching on the floor of the former Grosvenor facility's boiler room. He's mildly intoxicated and holds a half-empty bottle of Rumple Minze.]

**Lott:** Oh. Hi, Lisle.

**Naismith:** ...

**Lott:** Now, I know what you're thinking. "Hang on, Ethan Lott's //way// too based to drink alcohol. What the fuck? This completely upends my mental picture of him." And it's crucially important that you know I don't poison my brain with that shit. It fucks with the grind, it keeps my goals perpetually out of reach, y'know? But here's the thing: I hate the shit out of anything peppermint-flavored. So while I //am// splurging a little in celebration of Launch Day, I'm purposefully making it a flavor I hate, to make sure I'm not having too much fun. Maintains a balance for optimal --

**Naismith:** Mr. Lott. There is a property of Lottium of which you may not have been aware.

**Lott:** Oh, Christ. What now?

**Naismith:** We're still researching, but the substance has a tendency to turn into starfish-like predatory --

//[Lott chuckles.]//

**Lott:** //Oh, riiiight!// Heh. Yeah. Look, don't worry about the poop monsters. They're not gonna do that uncontrollably. Lottium only does that if I tell Gock to send it a targeted awakening signal. 

[13 seconds of dead silence.]

[[size 75%]]...Blink if you're poor. Heheh.[[/size]]

**Naismith:** Are you saying that the Lottium in Site-59's Inert Storage Wing came to life and went berserk because //you induced it?//

**Lott:** Sure. Whatever.

**Naismith:** 57 members of my staff are //dead//.

**Lott:** Whoa... weird thing to brag about, but okay. //[Chortling.]// "Yep, I'm that shitty of a boss."

**Naismith:** //You attacked my site.//

**Lott:** Yeah-yeah-yeah. We already established that.

**Naismith:** I hope you at least understand the consequences of your actions. There is a heavily-armed Nu-7 staging area that has monitored your facility for longer than you have been alive. The //best//-case scenario is that you'll be detained and subsequently terminated, and--

//[Lott throws the bottle at his laptop screen and camera. The bottle shatters. The screen is distorted for the remainder of the conference.]//

//[Lott grabs his screen, bringing it up close to his face.]//

**Lott:** //And then you'll send the blehblehbleh with the nehnehneh and I'll be derpityherpityderp with the -- WHAT THE **SHIT** IS YOUR DAMAGE, LISLE?! You and your bitchass scientist polycule have DEDICATED YOUR LIVES to **FUCKING MY DREAM IN THE ASS** from day one! You're OBSESSED with me! It's like you jack it to the thought of me being FORGOTTEN!//

**Naismith:** You murdered my staff. I'm allowed to not be thrilled.

**Lott:** //Uhh, you kind of AREN'T, though??// You turned Qwarty against me for LITERALLY NO REASON! //Now my whole marketing plan's FUCKED, and I have to shadow-drop the whole thing globally! For FREE!//

**Naismith:** Globally? What are you --

**Lott:** [[size 125%]]**//I AM SPEAKING AND YOU ARE NOT!//**[[/size]]

...

You don't think I //know// that Lottium's dangerous? 

I tested the first batch on roadkill. I saw it turn organic material into crystals, and my heart dropped into my bladder. I don't //want// to hurt anyone. That was never the plan. I'm not fucked in the head like that. 

But I've made my peace with the potential for collateral damage. And I'm not gonna let that stop me from finishing what I set out to do. Lottium is important, revolutionary, and inevitable -- because it //needs// to be.

Starting this Thursday at midnight, every electronic device on the planet will have an hourly bowel movement. Killing me isn't gonna stop that. Dropping a nuke on this building isn't gonna stop that. The only way you can stop it is by changing my mind, and that's NEVER going to happen.

I legit don't know what's gonna come of this. Maybe millions of people are gonna die. Maybe someone's gonna find a use for it. Maybe it'll snuff out the human race from some undiscovered form of pollution.

But whatever comes of this, it needs to happen. Computers //need// to poop. Whether it turns out to be a miracle or a disaster, //I will fight, kill, and die for Lottium to become an important part of everyday life.//

**Naismith:** //Why?//

[Lott barely holds back tears.]

**Lott:** Because it's named after me.

<Lott kills the feed.>

<End Log>
[[/div]]
------
> **From:** gockyboy2001@aol.com
> **To:** lnaismith@foundation.scp
> **Subject:** Re: Emergency Meeting
> 
> **{{Fondatin Invaster Lissle Naysmits!! Sosososo GOOT toh earings from youu!}}**
> 
> **{{As yucan probaly imadgin, my skiduwel is supar bisy wif the rolllout of Project}}** **Ptolemy**^^##blue|[a]##^^ is a town located in the U.S. state of ##blue|North Carolina##.  Once a prominent^^##blue|//[unclear]//##^^ mining town during the 1860s, its current notoriety stems from the annual ##blue|Greased-Pig Catching Championships## held in the **{{adn as sutch, i amm beig not espcially abel to has anoder vidio conferents tihs week.}}**
> 
> **{{HOWEVDER! Judjig by your toen, teh mattar at handn seems two bee partacular importnant. SO, ass an spetchal curtesy to a lonngtim SUPORTERER of TOTLEIGHSOFT, i wuold be welling too met you in PARSON!}}**
> 
> **{{Att 6PM (my tiem) tish Wadnissday, lees to meetig me outsied TOTLEIGHSOFT at TOTLEIGH KAFFAY for REFRASHMENTS. We shal discuts TOPPICS! Because COMPUTERS!}}**
> 
> **{{Yuors in American,}}**
> [[size 125%]]**{{P. HUDSON GOCK!!}}**[[/size]]
------
[[div style="border:solid 3px #cc0000; background:#ffffff; padding:15px; margin-bottom: 10px;"]]
[[=]]
++++ --Video-- Conference with SCP-2803-A
+++++ 1/20/2026, 6:00 PM
[[/=]]

<Begin Log>

[The Nu-7 transport helicopter lands on the outskirts of SCP-2803. It's snowing heavily.]

[As they land, the camera spots SCP-2803-A's central biomass in the snow -- the first time it has been observed outside of SCP-2803. Its elaborate network of thin tendrils still lead toward the facility.]

[Just next to SCP-2803-A, there's a card table with two folding chairs. Ethan Lott sits in one, wearing a black trench coat.]

[Naismith comes into view, as does Boe and Dr. Augsburg.]

**Augsburg:** There goes our hopes of this being one-on-one...

**Naismith:** I had a feeling. Plan hasn't changed, though. You got the payload?

[Boe hands him a briefcase.]

**Boe:** The O5 Council has asked me to formally //beg// you for some kind of indication of what you're planning.

**Naismith:** And I won't; it sounds too silly for them. Look, if things go south, just proceed with the bombing run as planned. Just remember what Lott said about how it won't stop him. I'd imagine there's a dead man's switch involved somewhere. 

**Boe:** That would explain his sudden lack of concern about snipers...

**Augsburg:** Can you at least tell us what's in that suitcase? 

[Naismith taps his forehead slyly.]

**Naismith:** A hypothesis.

[The chopper lands. Naismith steps off.]

[Lott speaks into a bullhorn.]

**Lott:** COME ALONE AND UNARMED. //[He points to his laptop.]// ANY BULLSHIT, AND WE'RE GOING GLOBAL AHEAD OF SCHEDULE. 

[Boe hands Naismith a bullhorn, and he responds in kind. Naismith indicates the intern holding the camera.]

**Naismith:** SHE GOES WITH ME. I'D CARRY THE CAMERA MYSELF, BUT MY HANDS ARE SHAKY AS HELL.

**Lott:** FINE, GEEZ.

**Naismith:** (Sorry in advance about him. But you joined because you wanted to see aliens, right?)

[The camera operator gives a thumbs-up.]

(That's the spirit.)

[Naismith approaches the table. He sits.]

**Lott:** 'sup.

**Naismith:** Indeed. I was hoping this would be a one-on-one arrangement with Mr. Gock.

[SCP-2803-A uses a tendril to pull up a flickering flatscreen PC monitor to the table and turns it toward Naismith.]

**Lott:** Anything you can say to my employee, you can say to his boss.

**Naismith:** Also, I was under the impression there'd be a "Totleigh Cafe" of some kind...?

[Text flickers on the monitor without sound.]

**SCP-2803-A:** futur siet of TOTLEIGH KAFFAY. udner constracktion.

**Lott:** If it's "refrashments" you're after, it ain't gonna suck itself.

**Naismith:** Conveniently, I never seem to have an appetite when you're around. Now, then, Mr. Gock...

**SCP-2803-A:** of COURTS! Letts us discus THINNGS.

**Lott:** ...okay, real talk, is Gock using just text without sound? 

[Lott grabs the monitor to see its contents.]

**SCP-2803-A:** wel escuse me spraybotel boi >:(

**Lott:** I //thought// we agreed you would use the Cookie Monster voice.

**SCP-2803-A:** cooky moster is woek

**Lott:** I know that and you know that, but...

**Naismith:** //[Clears throat.]//

**Lott:** Yeah, yeah. Say your piece and leave.

**Naismith:** Mr. Gock...

**SCP-2803-A:** yis?

**Naismith:** Thank you for agreeing to meet me during such a busy time. But there was one topic I was still unclear about regarding Project Ptolemy. Basically, I would like to know more about the Monad Crystal.

**Lott:** //That has **nothing** to do with Project Ptolemy and this conversation is over.//

**Naismith:** Are you certain? I believe it may have significant bearing on the global rollout of Lottium.

**Lott:** THERE **//IS//** NO GODDAMN MONAD CRYSTAL. FUCK OFF.

**Naismith:** ...I see. Well, that's all I wanted to know. I'll head back to my --

**SCP-2803-A:** wate waht?? no monad crsystal??

**Lott:** //(I didn't MEAN it like that, just let it -- )//

**SCP-2803-A:** NO MNAOD CRYSTSAL?! DID SOMFING HAPPN TO IT??!! WHER IS WHER IS WHERE IS OMGG 

**Lott:** //(DROP IT!)//

**SCP-2803-A:** [[size 125%]]YOUO **DROPPD** IT?!?![[/size]]

**Lott:** //(If you don't shut the fuck up RIGHT NOW I'm gonna upgrade from the spray bottle to the fucking MARINADE.)//

[SCP-2803-A's central mass shifts violently. The tendrils pull something out from its underbelly.]

**SCP-2803-A:** OH! nevrmidn heer it is. :D

**Lott:** No no //no NO NO NO **NO NO**// --

[A matted wad of tendrils drops the "Monad Crystal" on the card table.]

...

[It's a Magic 8-Ball covered in pink and purple glitter paint.]

**Naismith:** [[size 75%]](Called it.)[[/size]]

[Lott slams his forehead on the table.]

**SCP-2803-A:** beHOOLD it's majestee!!! :D

**Naismith:** ...Mr. Lott? //What,// exactly, is a Monad Crystal?

[Lott slowly raises his head from the table, staring at the ground.]

**SCP-2803-A:** Ya, bsos! pls bee givig Naysmits te same saels pish you gifed me!! (so elloquant.)

[Lott sighs heavily.]

**Lott:** It's... a mysterious and powerful artifact... [[size 90%]]used by Ancient Greek sorcerers...[[/size]] [[size 80%]]it was forged out of the soul of Alexander the Great...[[/size]] [[size 70%]]it's immeasurably valuable, so much that...[[/size]] [[size 60%]]I used it...[[/size]] [[size 50%]]to buy out...[[/size]] [[size 40%]]TotleighSoft...[[/size]]

**Naismith:** Huh... Impressive. It's even got the infinity symbol on that one side.

**SCP-2803-A:** itts all MIEN! adn ALL i hads to doo foar it was gif Ethan TOTLEIGHSOFT!

**Naismith:** Indeed! I can only imagine how much it cost to come into //your// hands, Mr. Lott.

**Lott:** [[size 75%]]Just kill me now...[[/size]]

**Naismith:** That being said... Take a look at this.

[Naismith places the briefcase on the card table, then opens it.]

[SCP-2803-A's central mass emits as close to an astonished gasp as its eldritch physiology can produce.]

**SCP-2803-A:** WAT IN TEH NAMEE OF TRACKLE DWON EECKERNOMICS IS TAHT?!?!

[Naismith holds up the briefcase's contents in reverence.]

**Naismith:** Behold: the Forbidden Nymph of Kythera.

[It's a popsicle stick doll made by Naismith's daughter in preschool.]

This effigy has passed through countless legends in story and song. Many have spoken of it, but few have known of the truth behind the myth -- and fewer still have gazed upon it and //lived.// Archimedes plucked the eyes out of his favorite disciple for pronouncing its name improperly. The Kings of Thebes were chosen by whether or not the Forbidden Nymph trembled in their presence. //[He shakes it slightly in SCP-2803-A's direction.]// It was once known as "The Forbidden Nymph of Atlantis," until an Atlantean carelessly dropped it... and by the time the Nymph washed up on the shore of Kythera, Atlantis was nowhere to be found!

**SCP-2803-A:** OooOOOoooOOoOO!! adn teh ancent greenks uused WAY moar gliter painte thn they ddid on mondad cyrstal!

[Naismith breaks into a cold sweat.]

**Naismith:** Y-yes. They did. Those who held this majestic relic in their treasury were perpetually victorious in battle! Their enemies laid their spoils before them rather than their soldiers, knowing that victory was a foregone conclusion! And most of all -- most of all! -- it was made with love.

And this, Mr. Gock, can be //yours//, for the low, low price of... [[size 80%]]re-establishing yourself as the CEO of TotleighSoft, cancelling Project Ptolemy and all things Lottium-related, and taking Ethan Lott out of the picture in any way you see fit.[[/size]]

**SCP-2803-A:** hmMMMM...

**Lott:** That's great. I refuse.

**Naismith:** I wasn't asking //you.//

**Lott:** If there are to be any bargains in which TotleighSoft itself is exchanged, you'd do well to remember that //TotleighSoft was sold to ME, fair and --//

[Another matted wad of SCP-2803-A's tendrils is draped over Lott from behind. They pulse briefly with Lambda Waves.]

[Over the course of 73 seconds, Lott's entire digestive tract detaches internally, inverts, and extrudes from his mouth as a single appendage. Cause of death is later determined to be explosive rectal exsanguination from the initial point of detachment.]

**SCP-2803-A:** allways a plesiosaur doinng busness wit yuou, Naismits :)

<End Log>
[[/div]]
[[div class="footer-wikiwalk-nav"]]
[[=]]
<< [[[SCP-9901]]] | SCP-9902 | [[[SCP-9903]]] >>
[[/=]]
[[/div]]

[[include :scp-wiki:component:license-box]]
> **Filename:** qwarty.png
> **Author:** [[*user daveyoufool]]
> **License:** CC BY-SA 3.0
> **Source Link:** SCP Foundation Wiki

> **Filename:** pallitsig.png
> **Author:** [[*user daveyoufool]]
> **License:** CC BY-SA 3.0
> **Source Link:** SCP Foundation Wiki

[[include :scp-wiki:component:license-box-end]]

SCP-9902

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