Link to article: SCP-9965.
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[[>]] [[module Rate]] [[/>]] **Item #:** SCP-9965 **Object Class:** Contained **Special Containment Procedures:** SCP-9965 is currently contained alongside other Class-F anomalous organisms in the Bioweaponry Division for extended research and development. As such, feed is to be regularly allotted, subject to logistical considerations. **Description:** SCP-9965 is the designation for a large, indeterminate species of terrestrial annelid. The morphology of SCP-9965 is largely identical to that of non-anomalous terrestrial annelids; Divergent aspects include an idiosyncratic radula specialized for its carnivorous diet. SCP-9965's mucus contains a strong paralyzing agent used to incapacitate prey. An additional anatomically correct human mouth is located between its eyestalks, possessing a full set of teeth, a functional tongue, uvula, and tonsils. The esophagus of this mouth leads directly into the cavity containing SCP-9965's brain, which is sometimes visible during speech and resembles a human child's. SCP-9965 prefers to feed on adult humans. There is a slight statistical lean towards caucasian males. SCP-9965 feeds extremely slowly, typically inflicting a great deal of pain on its prey in the process. SCP-9965 is capable of emitting dull, labored speech. (See Audio Log Transcript) [[div class="blockquote"]] **<Begin Log>** //[Resource 84 groans.]// **SCP-9965:** ...So the funeral was a second behind me, and I was in Paris at the time. I say to Jess, "What's going on with the Villeville Dayton Memorial Basketball Team?", and he says, "Well, I don't know. Spare me a light?" //[Resource 84 groans.]// **SCP-9965:** This was before I purchased a stake in the Seaweed Coal enterprise in the San-Franciscolina commons. I was modestly poor back then, I hadn't yet understood the true value of fiscal conservatism. Instead, I was more oriented towards raspberries. This was a fatal flaw in the eyes of my Father, who preferred the idea of uncles. Back in the motherland, we only had washing machines for hands. Hands! Can you even imagine what that must do to gasoline prices? //[Resource 84 groans.]// **SCP-9965:** Eventually I became a hill full of grass, and I wandered dutifully when I realized that I was grassy. The hedges bore me another seven seventeenth sacks of apples. And I said, "Look, the shadow opens its mouth," and I was caught off guard. But then again, Lorna was a great woman, she always knew how to handle a refrigerator. You know what I mean? **Resource 84:** Why- why are you talking? Hey, why is it- ugh- talking? **SCP-9965:** Oh, don't be so brusque. Y'know, I learned a lot about a woman by what's in her eyes- Eventually the eye opened and looked at my grassy knoll... That's when I realized that the power of friendship was always inside of me, and that Jesus was King, but now Lorna's apple pie is King. I never believed in democracy, but I did believe in Lorna's apple pie. //[Resource 84 briefly chokes on accumulated saliva.]// **SCP-9965:** Did you know that there are at least fourteen shopping carts at the bottom of San-Franciscolina gorge? Daniel Brewns sunk fifteen-"k" into the gorge, trying to spin off a laundromat. Idiot, if you ask me. San-Franciscolina is suffering from a catastrophic apple sack hemorrhage. I put down 50 bucks and a walnut bureau on the San-Franciscolina Steelers, and what do I get? Grab your popcorn and hit the hay and don't forget to jump into the gorge. Blam-o! //[Resource 84 gurgles.] // **SCP-9965:** Abstaining from the ruth bored mound is exhausting. I never knew that these sort of things could be romanticized from the perspective of a boiled leaf. That's how you know it's environmentally sustainable. Judy gets easily excited, honey! Seventeen years ago I discovered the Hairolina Sleeve. That takes me back to pastrami and beer with the boys. Summer days at San-Franciscolina municipal cheese school. That's where I met the sommelier. It's a shame what happened to him in 1987. Poor thing couldn't even speak. **Resource 84** Plee- Hellll- //[Resource 84 stumbles.] // **SCP-9965:** Now that I think of it, that was back when Harbart Meuvis was president of the Clipsinghamville Dry Cleaners' Association of Dockworkers, which was a bad time for politics. When the landlord came later that day, he said to me, "What's going on in Bangladesh?", and I said, Eureka! That was when the red shirts really began to pick up electoral momentum. After that, I begged my mom to let me eat cabbage, but unfortunately the cabbage blight meant there was no cabbage and- Are you still listening? //[Resource 84 gurgles.] // **SCP-9965:** Oh, okay. I was worried you didn't like me anymore... //[Resource 84 is silent.] // **SCP-9965:** As I was saying, I had to settle for collard greens instead. Mama said that that was the true toll of fiscal responsibility. It wasn't until I got my first job at the Electricity Factory in San-Franciscolina that I understood the true cost of cabbage. I ate my first cabbage after getting a lick down from the fourth thirteenth sack of apples. That was the day I knew I was a real native. //[Resource 84 vomits.] // **SCP-9965:** Oh, and I've got a real kicker: one time I met a man who fell under a bench and I asked him what he was doing. He told me he fell under a bench so I asked him to eat a pear. He ate the pear, and I asked him, did you like the pear? He said he liked the pear, so I asked him if he liked apples. He said he was curious to try apples but was unsure about making such a drastic financial commitment during the current period of judicial and financial instability caused by the great condensed milk storm of 1986. Ain't that something? //[Resource 84 seizes and enters cardiac arrest. Dr. Noel attempts to resuscitate.] // **SCP-9965:** I asked him what his thoughts were on the storm and we both agreed that the severe socioeconomic implications of the storm were exacerbated by the Clipsinghamville Dry Cleaners' Association of Dockworker's inability to appoint a gamekeeper in time for the draw. It was delightful to encounter another likeminded citizen. I also asked him why he was under a bench, and not a table, but he dodged the question. I noticed he had a San Franciscolinese accent, so I get why some people don't like me. Ka-ching! [[/div]] [[div class="footer-wikiwalk-nav"]] [[=]] << [[[SCP-9964]]] | [[[Series 0]]] | [[[SCP-9966]]] >> [[/=]] [[/div]]