SCP-DAD-J

Link to article: SCP-DAD-J.
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[[include component:preview text= Dadliest dad jokes of all time.]]

**Item #:** SCP-DAD-J

**Object Class:** Keter

[[include component:image-block | name= http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/local--files/scp-dad-j/Rowan%27s%20Dad.png | caption=SCP-DAD-J-32 playing under the snow.| width=25%]]

**Special Containment Procedures:**
All identified SCP-DAD-J instances are to be placed in a modified, soundproof, humanoid cell, appearing as a suburban housing unit provided with a 4K 44" television, a lifetime supply of beer, a grill for barbequing, and a lawn with a full set of lawn tools. Anyone who wishes to talk to SCP-DAD-J instances are to wear soundproof headphones to prevent audible perception of SCP-DAD-J's "dad-jokes"[[footnote]] An unoriginal or predictable joke, especially a pun, of a type supposedly told by fathers. [[/footnote]]. Under no circumstances are staff to respond to setups or politely laugh. "Dad-jokes" from male staff with families are to be monitored for any SCP-DAD-J influence.

**Description:**  
SCP-DAD-J is the designation for a collective of middle aged male individuals, with 35 instances currently in containment, ranging from 40 - 50 years old, who are married and have at least one children. When a subject delivers a low effort joke, hereby referred to as "dad jokes", the recipient(s) of the aforementioned joke will enter an acute violent state, with an intention to harm and/or murder SCP-DAD-J instances. The violence rate depends on how frequent SCP-DAD-J tells the joke.

**DAD-J-23 Incident Report:**
An incident occurred in a bar located in Edinburgh, during which resident Duke Magnum was an undiscovered instance of SCP-DAD-J, resulting in the designation of SCP-DAD-J-23. He was subsequently contained after he was found running from a violent crowd numbering approximately 47 individuals at 02:33AM. Foundation Field Agents in the vicinity of this incident swiftly detained SCP-DAD-J-23.

The following is a security camera log of SCP-DAD-J-23 watching a live football match at a bar:

[[div class="blockquote" style="border-radius: 10px; margin: 10px;" ]]

**SCP-DAD-J-23:** The hell is the ref smoking? Even me nan could tell that's a fowl, and she's bloody dead!

//SCP-DAD-J-23 finishes his beer. Multiple sighs can be heard as he stands up and walks to the bar.//

**SCP-DAD-J-23:** You know what would be great right now? Another pint of Stella, mate!

**Bystander:** Oi! One for me too, mate!

**SCP-DAD-J-23:** You a Stella man too mate? You know what that makes us?

**Bystander-1:** Heh? What's that?

**SCP-DAD-J-23:** "TASTE BUDS"!

//Bystander-1 spits out his beer.//

**Bystander-1:** What the fuck.

//Bystander-2 spits out his beer on Bystander-1's face.//

**Bystander-2:** What the fuck.

//The bartender furiously clenches his shaker, breaking it.//

**Bartender:** What the fuck.

**Everyone else:** What the fuck.

//The bar begins throwing various objects at SCP-DAD-J-23, brandishing various weapons ranging from butter knives to broken chair legs. The bartender reaches under the bar, before jumping up brandishing a shotgun.//

**SCP-DAD-J-23:** Hehe... Uhmm... Hey sport... I don't want any trouble... Cause my kids are enough trouble as it is...

//The bartender fires the first shell, which hits the wall behind SCP-DAD-J-23, narrowly missing his head.//

**Bartender:** Get the fuck out.

**SCP-DAD-J-23:** Oh fuck! Oh shit! Oh fuck! Hold on! Let's talk about this like matu-

//The bartender fires a second shell, grazing SCP-DAD-J-23's shoulder, accidentally killing someone trying to stab him in the back. The rest of the bar chases SCP-DAD-J-23.//

**SCP-DAD-J-23:** Oh sweet mother of God! I knew that I shouldn't have been skipping out on Zumba!

[[/div]]

**Addendum DAD-J-2:**

The following is a series of interviews with individuals surviving SCP-DAD-J's memetic effects. Some sections have been cut for brevity.

[[div class="blockquote" style="border-radius: 10px; margin: 10px;" ]]

**Interviewer:** Researcher Buddy

**Interviewed:** Sue John

[[include component:image-block | name= http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/local--files/scp-dad-j/Sue%27s%20husband_.png | caption=SCP-DAD-J-10 after his perm.| width=25%]]

**Sue:** My name is Sue John, and I'm 48. I'm... Presman John's wife. Way before when Angela was in my womb, we wanted to throw a gender reveal party, and... My hubby said a joke. He turned to me and said "what do you do to have a space party?" and before I could get a word in he screamed "you planet!".

**Researcher Buddy:** I-I'm... Sorry for that Miss Sue. It's okay if you don't want to continue.

//Sue makes a ruminating face.//

**Sue:** I just stared at him when he said it. He told me that I looked spaced out.

[[/div]]

[[div class="blockquote" style="border-radius: 10px; margin: 10px;" ]]

**Interviewer:** Researcher Buddy

**Interviewed:** Rowan

**Rowan:** My name is Rowan, and I'm 7 years old. On a Christmas night with our families, dad bought me a broken drum as a present... And want to know what he said?

//Researcher Buddy gasps.//

**Researcher Buddy:** W-what did he say?

//Rowan tears up.//

**Rowan:** "The best present is a broken drum, because no one can beat it".

//Researcher Buddy also tears up, hugging him.//

**Researcher Buddy:** Oh, my poor boy! You should never had to hear that!

**Rowan:** I also asked him to put my shoes on and he just said "Sorry, buddy, but I won't fit in your shoes."

//Researcher Buddy hugs Rowan even tighter.//

**Researcher Buddy:** You're a strong boy Rowan. You're the strongest boy I've ever met.

[[/div]]


[[div class="blockquote" style="border-radius: 10px; margin: 10px;" ]]

**Interviewer:** Researcher Buddy

**Interviewed:** Darreck Kilroy

[[include component:image-block | name= http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/local--files/scp-dad-j/SCP-DAD-J-35%27s%20Friend | caption=SCP-DAD-J-35 prior in containment.| width=25%]]

**Darreck:** The name's Darreck Kilroy, and I'm 53. I'm a friend of Carl "The Car Guy" Butterman. He's a sweet guy. But then we had Thanksgiving together. And he turned to me and asked "What do you call a cow with no legs?"

//Researcher Buddy whispers quietly to himself with no's.//

**Researcher Buddy:** Oh dear god...

**Darreck:** Ground beef.

**Researcher Buddy:** There must have been a lot of people there who had to hear that, right?

//Darreck gives a small chuckle to himself.//

**Darreck:** Well, the good news is that the house fire has been extinguished, but so was dinner!

//Researcher Buddy’s skin can be seen turning into tomato red, with a frown.//

**Researcher Buddy:** Y-... YOU MOTHE-

**Note:** Following this interview, Researcher Buddy attempted to murder Darreck who is now designated SCP-DAD-J-35 with an unsharpened pencil. But you can say it was a pointless decision![[footnote]] Subject who made this joke was terminated. [[/footnote]]

[[/div]]

[[include :scp-wiki:component:license-box]]
> **Filename:** Rowan's Dad
> **Author:** [[*user Fermentating]]
> **License:** Public Domain
> **Source Link:** https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Clayton_Anderson_in_snow.jpg

> **Filename:** Sue's Husband
> **Author:** [https://www.flickr.com/photos/61504137@N00/with/51231962924 mathrock]
> **License:** CC-BY-SA 2.0
> **Source Link:** https://openverse.org/image/c8c7abf0-d054-4c50-940c-8ab711a9952e?

> **Filename:** SCP-DAD-J-35's Friend.
> **Author:** [[*user ic3bro]]
> **License:** Public Domain
> **Source Link:** From [[*user ic3bro]]
[[include :scp-wiki:component:license-box-end]]

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SCP-DAD-J

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