Site-81 Community Cookbook

Link to article: Site-81 Community Cookbook.

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[[f<image cookbook.png]]
+ Foreword

Hello, good day to you, and welcome to the SCPnet page for the Site-81 community cookbook! We are thrilled to present to all of you Foundation chefs out there the finest collection of Site-81's culinary delights!

For those who don't know, the Site-81 cookbook is something of an establishment around these parts. Started by my predecessor, Dr. Oliver Rights, this cookbook is a time-honored Site-81 tradition, and in the past has featured such recipes as Dr. Argyle's Vegetarian Meatloaf, Researcher Porter's Vanilla Bean Danishes, Director Moose's Ibuprofen and Whiskey Milkshake, and Dr. Bright's Single Log of Sausage.

Unfortunately, due to the current ongoing global pandemic, our cookbook entries this year have been a little more limited than they have been in the past. In order to fill out the pages, we've been forced to open applications to a more... diverse group. Many of these entries were contributed last minute, and most without my approval, so you're gonna get what you're gonna get.

Regardless, I hope you enjoy this edition of the SCP Foundation's //ONLY// annual culinary publication, the OFFICIAL SITE-81 COMMUNITY COOKBOOK!

J. Karlyle Aktus
Director, Site-81
[[size 80%]]//and// Amateur Chef[[/size]]

-----

+++ Karlyle Aktus' World Famous 10pm Chili
[[collapsible show="+ Open Recipe" hide="by djkaktus"]]
Hello everyone, Director Aktus here again with my World Famous 10pm Chili. You may be asking yourself, "Karlyle, why is it called 10pm Chili?" The answer is that when I was in college, we would make this chili at 10pm before going out on the town to cruise, and when we came home inebriated six hours later we would have hot, delicious chili waiting for us. You may also be asking "wait, didn't you go to college in like 1935?" To that I say -

Anyway, on with the ingredients:

[[div class="quote"]]
* 2 lbs chopped sirloin or sirloin strips
* 2 lbs hot sausage or chorizo
* 2 cans Rotel tomatoes and peppers (hottest variety they have, or milder if you have a flimsy constitution)
* 2 cans creamed corn
* 2 packets ranch dressing powder
* 2 packets taco seasoning powder
* 2 - 3 habanero peppers, diced (seeds only if you want your asshole to remind you of the meal after about two hours)
[[/div]]
 
Instructions:
 
[[div class="quote"]]
# In a large pan over medium heat, brown your sirloin and sausage. Sausage should be cooked thoroughly, but sirloin can be cooked medium / medium rare. Cooks quickly so keep an eye on it.
# Season sirloin with some flaky salt and black pepper. Don't overdo it because there's plenty of other seasoning coming but I like to get a little on the steak ahead of time to lock down those good juices.
# In a large crock pot or other large, high-walled pot, add your cooked meats, canned vegetables, and seasoning packets. Stir to mix thoroughly. Dice your habaneros if you haven't done so yet then add that puppy in. Some people might say "Karlyle this is too hot" and those people are wrong.
# Fill two of your now empty cans of Rotel with water and add that.
# Set crockpot or stock pot to low and allow chili to simmer for like 6-8 hours (or, traditionally, however long you're out drinking). I do mine overnight and it's delicious. Once you're done cooking turn it to the warmer setting (or very low heat) and let that bad boy fill your domicile with delicious chili aroma.
[[/div]]
 
Serve in warm bowls with grated cheddar or mexican cheese on the side, and also sour cream. Both are delicious ways to enjoy this chili.
 
//Note: If you put beans in this **fucking** chili you are dead to me. Beans in chili are an abomination and anyone who says otherwise has sold out to big bean. You're going to make this chili the way cowboys made this chili - meat, peppers, done. **Fucking** delicious. Your family, friends, and stomach will thank you.//
 
Could it be made better with custom seasoning and your own chili paste or whatever? Sure, yes. but this is very easy and you can buy all the ingredients for less than 30 bucks. Serves like 12 people. Less than $3 per bowl, that's a goddamn steal.
 
Good for curing hangovers, preventing hangovers, making lasting relationships and conquering your enemies. Enjoy this delicious chili, and don't forget the peppers. Bon appetite.
[[/collapsible]]

+++ Site-81 Medley, by SCP-049 and SCP-096
[[collapsible show="+ Open Recipe" hide="by the great hippo"]]

[[<image scp049_cook.png]]

[[<image scp096_cook.png]]

[[/collapsible]]

+++ J. Everwood's Sweet Rice Pudding
[[collapsible show="+ Open Recipe" hide="by Uncle Nicolini"]]
Hey folks. Jay Everwood here. Now, uh, a lot of you may not know this but I grew up eating a lot of Caribbean foods. Here is one of my favorite desserts, 'Arroz con leche' or as you guys might know it, 'Rice Pudding'. The folks down at the GoI research HQ really like it when I make it, so I figured I would share the recipe with you all. Enjoy!

You will need:
[[div class="quote"]]
1 cup of short-grain rice
6 cups whole milk
1 cinnamon stick
1 lemon peel
½ cup of sugar
1 can of condensed milk
[[/div]]

Instructions:
[[div class="quote"]]
# Soak your rice in water for a few minutes until the water gets cloudy, then drain it.
# Put your rice, milk, lemon peel, sugar, and cinnamon stick into a medium saucepan and cook it at low heat for about an hour, stirring occasionally.
# Once done, fish out the lemon peel and cinnamon stick from the rice using a spoon. The sudden crunch of an entire cinnamon stick or the extreme bitterness from a lemon peel are not welcome surprises.
# Add the contents of your can of condensed milk and stir again.
# Remove from heat and cover, then store in a cold place. Though you can have this hot, it tastes much better cold, so I would let it sit overnight. But I'm not your mom, do whatever you want.
[[/div]]

Serve in a small glass bowl and garnish with cinnamon powder. Just as a heads up, this is typically enjoyed alongside a fruit such as raspberries, bananas, or even strawberries. The lemon peel is replaceable with any other citrusy peel, but I find that lemon works best to compliment the sweetness of the dish. I know that in Spain they typically eat this with raisins, which I find disgusting and infuriating.

As you may have observed from the ingredients, this is a very cheap and delicious dessert that can be made from stuff the average person has lying around their kitchen. It's also as easy as making rice, so there's very little chance you can fuck this up colossally.
[[/collapsible]]

+++ Director House's Speedy Small Pizza
[[collapsible show="+ Open Recipe" hide="by ROUNDERHOUSE"]]
Hey, guys! This quick recipe has gotten me through a lot of late nights at 666, and I never miss an opportunity to share it. Italians may have invented the pizza, but by God, America perfected it -- and now I've perfected that perfection into some sort of double-layered perfection pie topped with perfection! Anyway, here's the recipe:

Ingredients:
[[div class="quote"]]
# 1/2 cup flour
# 1 packet yeast
# 1/4 cup of water
# A little bit of olive oil
# Pizza sauce (Prego recommended!)
# Mozzarella cheese as needed (no upper limit)
# Toppings of choice, except for pineapple. If you would like pineapple on your pizza, I would suggest you close this recipe and eat something befitting your status, such as Lunchables.

[[/div]]

Y'know, pizza staples. Can't have a pie of any respectable quality without the basics.

Instructions:
[[div class="quote"]]
# Gather your ingredients on your cooking surface.
# Mix together the flour, yeast, and water.
# Fold the dough and let sit.
# Return to discover you have added too much yeast and too much water and the entire thing is this disgusting slimey overflowing mess.
# Dispose of the dough. (Site incinerators come in handy at this step, but are optional.)
# //Optional: Sob in defeat.//
# Pull out your phone, dial up your local Dominos or Pizza Hut, and place your order. Give them a funny name, such as "Dick Hertz" or "I. C. Weiner".
# Drive out to pick up your pizza -- NO DELIVERY! Delivery is forbidden because it is for weak and cowardly people, and also because it constitutes a potentially massive breach of Veil security.
# Enjoy!
[[/div]]
@@ @@
Better luck next time?
@@ @@
[[/collapsible]]

+++ D-41562's Makeshift Spaghetti
[[collapsible show="+ Open Recipe" hide="by aismallard"]]
Back when I was a programmer, I wasn't too big on spaghetti //code//, but a nice warm bowl of the food would always lift my mood. Now it's a bit harder to come by quality meals, but I have a few ways to pull one together every now and then.

[[div class="quote"]]
* Pasta. I usually take some from the anomaly kitchen, guess there's a skip that likes it
* Tomato sauce, from Pantry B (weekdays) or Pantry D (weekends)
* (optional) Onions, Bell peppers, or other vegetables, if available
* (optional) Meat. For some reason the kitchens have had a lot of [[[scp-4495|pork]]] in stock, so I mostly use that
* Water.
[[/div]]

The hard part is collecting the ingredients in an approximate timeframe and hiding them. Thankfully the guards at the rec center are pretty chill, so I just keep them in the cupboard.

When I'm ready I go to its kitchenette. Someone has to watch if you check out a knife but other than it's just a normal cooking environment.

[[div class="quote"]]
# Pour the sauce in a frying pan and turn on the heat.
# Cut the vegetables/meat if present, and add to the sauce.
# Fill up a pot with water and bring it to a boil.
# Add the noodles and cook until finished. For the pasta I usually use it's 8 minutes.
# Serve on a plate with the sauce poured onto the noodles.
[[/div]]

It can be a bit hard dealing with the logistics of nabbing all the supplies, so if you have any questions feel free to visit me in the back of the D-class Wing, Block 3.
[[/collapsible]]

+++ Rose Jacket's Hachis Parmentier
[[collapsible show="+ Open Recipe" hide="by The Pighead"]]
//Bonjour à tous et à toutes//, dear friends, my name is Rose Jacket and it's cool to have a chance to do something other than writing papers about -J skips ! And today, the cooking recipe I would like to present to you today is one traditional dish of my native country: France. In America, for what I know, you call that "shepherd's pie", but in France, we call it a "Hachis Parmentier". So, yeah, you can drop immediately all your cliches about snails and wine. Fuck snails. Snails are an abomination and must be destroyed at all costs, remember it.

Anyway. For making a //hachis Parmentier//, here's the ingredients :

[[div class="quote"]]
* 600 g of chopped veal.
* Potatoes. Like, ten potatoes, it will be good.
* //(optional)// Tomatoes. Personally, I make it without tomatoes, but it's up to you.
* 150 g of grated cheese.
* An egg.
* 10 cl of fresh cream.
* Condiments and butter.
* //(optional)// A copy of the album //Mezzanine//, by Massive Attack, and a bottle of ice tea.
[[/div]]

What? You don't get it, about the album and the bottle of ice tea? I will explain later. Anyway, it's time of instructions:

[[div class="quote"]]
# Take your potatoes and mash them. There are many ways to do it : the most common way to do it is to use a ricer or a fork. But if you don't have these objects, you can also use a baseball bat or, the most extreme solution, your own feet. If you choose to use this solution, be sure to take off your socks and put them away safely.
# When your potatoes are correctly mashed, take the mix and put it in a bowl. Then, take the egg, the fresh cream, the condiments and butter and incorporate them into the puree. You will need to use a whisk for that. When it's done, put the bowl in the oven for 5 minutes.
# Take your chopped veal and boil it for 4 minutes. Be sure that the meat is peeled. When it's done, add a little bit of salt and pepper.
# Open the oven, take the bowl and burn your hands because you had forgot to wear oven gloves.
# Take the time to yell, scream and insult members of personnel, members of your family or fictional characters you don't like. You can even insult gods if you want, but this is only if you're really upset and I will not recommand that to everyone.
# //(optional)// Take a deep breath, go sit down on your chair or your couch, take the copy of //Mezzanine// and listen to it while you drink calmly your bottle of ice tea. Enjoy this moment. And after that, go back to your kitchen.
# Put your boiled meat in a gratin dish and spread it all over the bottom. Then, cover it with your puree and, after that, with grated cheese. When it's done, take the bowl in a grilling during 5 minutes to made the cheese broil. Serve immediately.
# //(optional)// Do a little victory dance while you're listen to the song //Freeee (Ghost Town, Pt.2)//, by Kids See Ghosts.
[[/div]]

And that's all! Yeah, I admit that this is not something particularly surprising... but, hey, no one says that the life of a Foundation employee is obligated to be full of weird and bizarre things, even in our ordinary life. I still hope that you will appreciate it (I've already done that for people in Site-19 and it seemed successful)! So, //bon appétit !//

//P.S : To the two who had used the leftovers of the dish for things that I don't want to imagine and who had said to me, after that, having doing all this for "[[[djkaktus-s-proposal-j|not being consumed]]]", this is a really lame excuse.//  
[[/collapsible]]

[[size 140%]]**dado is make good capitalism omelet by dado**[[/size]]
[[collapsible show="+ open recipe" hide="by djkaktus"]]
hello yes is me, dado. u perhaps thought dado is not of knowing about special scp fountain book for taking, but aha! dado is sleuth you out. dado is now read of very many secrets for scp.

...

...

dado perhaps misunderstood. this is cook book, not took book. dado apologizes for this.

however, dado is also now of seeing that cooking book is missing very important and most critical of entries for creating delicious dado-brand breakfast. yes well fortunately for you dado is now have this book and also dado is have a pen so dado will now transcribe for you what is call "dado's good capitalism omelet by dado".

here is what for ingredients u gather for omelet:

[[div class="quote"]]
* two egg of chicken
* 20 of $100 benjamins
* 1/2 of pound of gold leaf
* 2 quart oil
* 1 bar of steel, minced
* 1 box dvd for lord of ring, return of khan.
* 4 bottle of insulin, powdered
* salt of ocean and pepper (dado is have black pepper of cracking on-hand, so dado is use ghost pepper. probably same thing)
[[/div]]

here now is how to make good capitalism omelet:

[[div class="quote"]]
**1)** first of step is u must purchase lamburgerini. only cooking surface for dado-brand omelet is sport cart of italian.
**2)** get engine hot by pushing foot upon acceleration. if foot is tired this step can be passed off to hamster assistant.
**b)** now take large pan and set upon engine for heating. while pan is becoming of heated, now is time to preparings the mice on plazas.
**c)** take benjamins and put into blender. also put in oil and insulin. give a good chop until u have thick slurry consistency. very important for texture.
**?)** add minced steel to slurry and mix until steel is coat.
**4)** now take egg and cracking into hot pan. make sure not to take foot off gas or allow hamster to relieve. important that engine is staying hot.
**7)** ok so now u remember dvd of what is for lordy rang? yes take dvd and break into bite size bits. dvd is good garnish for dado premium omelette.
**7)** now u may be thinking to self "but dado, how can u have omelet with no cheese of cow?" well dado is having news for u. why need cheese when u have gold leaf? yes that is right now u put gold leaf into omelet
**9)** ok now u make omelet
**10)** last step is that u take omelet out and serve on plate, but only plate purchased from dado because dado is superior entrepreneur. also potentially plate what is purchase from bezos.
[[/div]]

ok dado is not yet try this omelet because dado is currently self-quarantine with hamster and is not having all of ingredients for delicious capitalism omelet, however dado thinks that he might have dvd of the laundry ring in a box in dado garage. if so dado will make omelet and report back. in meantime please try dado brand delicious very good capitalism omelet, only for finest capitalists and other associates. thank u.

...

...

p.s. dado is try omelet. dado is making mistake - use dvd of marble avenger: war of infinity instead. thank u again
[[/collapsible]]

+++ Janitor-Overseer-13's Truffle Fries
[[collapsible show="+ Open Recipe" hide="by stormbreath"]]
I don't know how many people will have access to this recipe, but I felt that I might as well give it a shot. The first time I ever made this recipe was during a containment breach back in 2000, when I was trapped in the kitchen for three days. Now, I tend to make it every couple of weeks when it comes time to clean up in that kitchen again. I make a little treat for myself, since I don't get paid enough and this job sucks.

[[div class="quote"]]
* 2 pounds of whatever potatoes they have on hand
* 2 tablespoons of the olive oil (normally imported from Greece)
* 1 teaspoon salt (there's probably a fancy one in there)
* Grated Parmesan cheese
* 2 tablespoons of truffle oil (they've got a tank of it)
* Shaved truffles to taste
[[/div]]

I normally get all of my stuff from the O5-Council private kitchen. I don't think most other kitchens have anything like this.

[[div class="quote"]]
1. Preheat oven to 450 degrees.
2. Cut potatoes into fries
3. Mix potatoes in a bowl with olive oil and salt.
4. Bake potatoes in oven for 30 minutes, flipping them over at the halfway point.
5. Take potatoes out, drizzle with truffle oil, sprinkle cheese and shaved truffles over.
6. Enjoy!
[[/div]]

If you could do me a favor, keep this one on the down-low, please? Don't tell the Overseers that I've been using their personal kitchen on a weekly basis for the past twenty years.
[[/collapsible]]

+++ Researcher Talloran’s Simple Chocolate Chip Cookies
[[collapsible show="+ Open Recipe" hide="by LordStonefish"]]
Hi, all. This is a cookie recipe my boyfriend taught me. If I’d had a particularly rough day dealing with objects, I often just go back to the apartment, or barring that, dormitory kitchen,  and bake a tray or two of these. They’re quite simple and they basically take under half an hour to make. Don’t tell him this, but sometimes I’ll just make these to eat the cookie dough out of the bowl as a comfort thing If I’m having a particularly bad anxiety attack. It’s kind of pathetic to look at, honestly. 

[[div class="quote"]]
* 2 sticks salted butter, at room temperature
* 3/4 cup dark brown sugar, firmly packed
* 3/4 cup granulated sugar
* 1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla
* 2 large eggs
* 2 cups all-purpose flour
* 1/2 teaspoon salt
* 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
* The whole entire bag of chocolate chips, seriously just pour that bad boy in there
* 1 cup walnuts if YOU REALLY WANT
[[/div]]
 
Instructions:
 
[[div class="quote"]]
1. First you grease a big cooking sheet with the flat end of one of your butter sticks and then you preheat the oven for like 350-360* F. Yes, I know we’re the Foundation, but I live in the States and my oven uses Fahrenheit.  Put the sheet in the top third of the oven
2.  Get a stand mixer and cream the butter, sugars, and vanilla at high speed until it’s smooth, light, has no butter clumps, and tastes sinfully good. Remember to pack down the brown sugar in the measuring cup to get the right amount. 
3. Add the eggs, beat them in. Easy. 
4. Get a big bowl and whisk together the flour, baking soda and salt. Then, add them to the mixing bowl and beat until they blend. Start slowly so you don’t cover yourself in flour. Also, don’t overbeat, the cookies will be gross.
5. Pour the entire bag of chocolate chips in and blend at low speed until it looks like God himself. 
6. --Eat the entire bowl and lick the beater-- Use a spoon to make rough blobs on the tray. Space them out or they will join into mutant super cookies in the oven. A glass of water is handy to dip the spoon into. I like ragged edge cookies but if you’re a neat freak you can round them off with your finger. 
7. Bake for like 15 minutes or so until the tops set and they’re just starting to turn brown. 
8. When the timer’s up, pull them out of the oven and get them on a wire rack ASAP while they’re still soft and scrapable. Then wait to eat. Or not. Or just eat the bowl. Your choice. 
[[/div]]

[[/collapsible]]

+++ Dr. Cherry's Cherry shortbread cookies
[[collapsible show="+ Open Recipe" hide="- By DianaBerry"]]
Hello everyone! I'm Dr. Charlie Cherry. Normally I work with flowers but you know a lot of foods are also plants too. Like cherries come from plants of the genus Prunus and are drupe fruits which are an indehiscent in which an exocarp and or mesocarp surrounds a single shell--

I've been informed that I need to get to the actual recipe. 

[[div class="quote"]]
**Ingredients**

1/2 cup unsalted butter,  room temperature (to do this, get a stick of butter and let it sit out for a bit. Don't melt in the microwave)
2/3 cup sugar
2 Tablespoon reserved cherry juice
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract (there are fakes but I mean the actual stuff it's better)
2 cups flour (make sure to spoon and level your --flower-- flour!)
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
2 eggs
12 maraschino cherries (drained and chopped) (these are cherries that have been dyed red. It is preserved and sweetened, and typically made from cherries such as the Royal Ann, Rainer-- I'm gonna stop now)
4 ounces white chocolate. It’s optional but tastes amazing so I’m going to say you have to 
[[/div]]

Now we get to how to make the cookies. I didn't actually create this recipe, I'm tweaking it a bit to make it my own. They actually have glitter in the recipe but I couldn't find any edible glitter.  

[[div class="quote"]]
**Instructions**

1.) Get a handheld or general stand mixer first. Use a whisk attachment and beat the butter on high until light and creamy. It only took me about a minute or so to get there. If you don't have a mixer I mean I suppose you could hand stir it but I would think that would hurt someone's arm to beat something so fast. 

2.) Switch to medium speed and add in the sugar. Make sure that's nice and fluffy. I hope my language is easy to understand, this recipe was very enthusiastic and I have low energy, so like I hope I'm getting it across okay.

3.) Next add in the eggs, vanilla, cherry juice and chopped up cherries. 

4.) Now put in what you haven't yet. I think it's just the flour at this point but I forget. You should double check. 

5.) Eat some of the dough. It tastes very good. I mean it's ridiculously sweet but it's good.

6.) Preheat oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit 

7.) Gently make little round balls of dough and line them up about 2 inches apart. About 20 will fit on a standard sheet pan.

8.) Bake for 8-10 minutes.

9.) Enjoy! 

10.) Okay so if you're a biological female don't eat the cookie it basically turns you into a maid robot but if you're a guy it's chill to eat  

[[/div]]

[[/collapsible]]

+++ Dr. Fynegan's Hibiscus Tea (Agua de Jamaica)
[[collapsible show="+ Open Recipe" hide="by JackalRelated"]]
First off, yes, I don't work at Site-81 - I pulled a couple of favors to get my recipe on here. Second, those of you who know me probably didn't peg me for a tea person, but here we are. Third, this stuff is really, really good.

I also may or may not have had my ass blown for trying to transfer to Site-81 to put my recipe on here, and taking the salt out in this description. Sorry.

This makes about a quart of tea.
[[div class="quote"]]
* 2 quarts water
* 3/4 cup dried jamaica/hibiscus flowers.
* 1/2 cup sugar
* Slice of lime (for garnish)
[[/div]]

I get my hibiscus flowers from Site-407's nearby general store. They're pretty fresh and Laurent gives me a discount if I buy in "bulk".

[[div class="quote"]]
1. Bring water to a boil and add hibiscus flowers.
2. Let steep 15 minutes.
3. Stir in sugar.
4. Line a strainer with a thin wet cloth and strain tea into a pitcher.
5. Chill and serve over ice with a slice of line.
6. Enjoy! Or not, it's your choice, really.
[[/div]]

--If you drink hibiscus tea hot or warm I will find you and I will forcibly pour proper temperature tea down your throat.-- For behavioral purposes I did not write the last line, but the intent's still there.
[[/collapsible]]

+++ Researcher Voct's Technically-a-Casserole
[[collapsible show="+ Open Recipe" hide="by Voct"]]

I've always been one to take seemingly unrelated bits and pieces of whatever was lying around, and merge and repurpose them into something new, useful, and interesting. This is how science works. This is how writing works. And this is how dinner can work, when you're in a hurry.

[[div class="quote"]]
# Get several cans of vegetables - peas, corn, green beans, kidney beans, lima beans, fava beans, water chestnuts, or whatever you were able to get from the store after the mob went through panic-buying (not baked beans, though). More than 4 different kinds is not a good idea. Open 'em one by one, drain out most of the liquid, and pour the contents into a big sealable tupperware bowl.
# A can of some kind of meat product. I usually use mackerel, but sometimes I'll go with canned tuna, or canned chopped ham, and once I even used a few tins of oysters. Again, drain 'em and dump 'em in.
# A bread product for binding. Got any stale bread? Cracker crumbs? Ramen? If you seriously can't find anything better, you can even use unsweetened breakfast cereal. Don't use oatmeal, though -- makes things way too gluey.
# Put the lid on the bowl. Seal it. No, //tightly//. Now hold it over the kitchen sink, because it's not sealed as tightly as you think it is. Shake it vigorously for 15-20 seconds, //with one hand firmly on the lid//.
[[/div]]

There you go, that's a good 4 to 5 days worth of lunches and/or dinners. Because you don't always have time to prepare complicated meals when there's SCP documents to write.
[[/collapsible]]

+++ Dr. MacWarren's Spam Fried Rice
[[collapsible show="+ Open Recipe" hide="by MacWarren"]]
When I was a young and impressionable kid, my mom used to make this tasty semi-fried rice that had pieces of spam cut into cubes and it was the best shit I've ever had — and best of all, everything you need is inexpensive and right in your pantry! My friends love it when I make this stuff whenever we hang out and so I pass on this forbidden knowledge to you.

First, let's prepare the ingredients we're going to use. You're gonna need:

[[div class="quote"]]
* About 2½ cups of rice, any kind of rice will do
* Spam
* 3 tablespoons of black pepper
* 2 - 3 teaspoons of paprika
* Soy sauce or any salty liquid condiment of your choice*
* 1 tablespoon of chopped dried onions
* An egg
[[/div]]

And now we get to where the magic happens.

Intstructions:

[[div class="quote"]]
# Pour some oil onto your wok and preheat that sucker on medium heat. Pivot the wok to make sure that oil covers a good portion of the surface area.
# Get out your cutting board, get the spam out of the can, and start cutting it up into cubes. It's okay if they're uneven or if you get blood on it, nobody's going to know about it either way.
# Pour the spam into your wok, grab your metal spoon, and get stirring.
# This is a stir-fry dish so keep stirring the meat until it reaches a deep red color.
# Now lower the heat and put your rice in the wok. If there's clumps of rice sticking to each other, just smash them or cut 'em up with the side of the spoon.
# Keep stirring for about 30 seconds before adding the soy sauce. Drizzle it around to make sure you get nice coverage.
# Keep mixing it for another 30 seconds before grabbing your pepper grinder and putting some black pepper in there.
# Mix it for another 30 seconds to a minute.
# Afterwards, put some paprika on the mixed rice. Sprinkle it around to make sure it's evenly coated.
# Mix again for a minute, turn off the heat, put your rice in a bowl, and then you're finished!
# But wait! You're not finished yet, you still got an egg to deal with. Grab your egg and get out your pan.
# Pour the oil in the pan, set the heat to medium, crack open the egg directly on the surface (or if you suck at cracking eggs, do it in a bowl).
# We're going for a fried egg, so keep the whites cooking but not too much that it starts cooking the yolk. If possible, flip the egg on its other end to cook the top as well.
# When you're done, place the egg on top of the fried rice.
# Sprinkle with some ground pepper and your chopped dried onions. //Voilà!// You just cooked food all by yourself!
[[/div]]
See? That wasn't so hard now was it? This makes about two servings so you can impress your girlfriend or boyfriend with your mad cooking skillz.

Or if you're like me and you're stress eating, you can just stuff your face and you'll be surprisingly full!

//*I don't know what is it with you Americans, but I cannot stress this enough: When I say a salty liquid condiment, I mean a condiment that's runny enough to easily coat the rice. No, not ketchup or your disgusting A.1. barbecue sauce. That shit's way too thick to put in your rice. Please do not violate the fried rice with these atrociously thick sauces or I will beat you with a spoon. Don't test me.//
[[/collapsible]]


+++ (Dr. Blue's) Green Tomato Relish
[[collapsible show="+ Open Recipe" hide="by Hooloovoo"]]
If you grow tomatoes like I do (with very low maintenance/watering/caring), then they probably stubbornly produce green ones that die at the first hard frost. Here's a recipe that uses the last unripe tomatoes of the season to make a great sauce for sandwiches and hot dogs.
[[div class="quote"]]
* about 6 onions.
* maybe 5 bell peppers (best are red, other colors can do in a pinch)
* about 2.5lb of green tomatoes (that are going to be lost to the first frost)
* 2 cups of vinegar
* 1 stick of cinammon 
* 1tsp cloves
* 1tsp allspice
* 1tsp mustard seed
* 1c sugar
* 1tsp salt
[[/div]]

Intstructions:

[[div class="quote"]]
# Start cutting the veggies. Make em small, this is relish. It's going to take a while. Start heating the sauce while you're chopping.
# Boil the vinegar with the cinnamon, cloves, and allspice (put the spices in a tea bag to make them easy to remove). 
# Add the veggies to the vinegar, and add the salt, mustard, and sugar. Boil until the tomatoes and onions are done enough, I left it on for two hours and it was great.
# Can the sauce or put it in the freezer. I *should* know how to can things but I don't... so it's in the freezer.
[[/div]]
[[/collapsible]]

@@ @@

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