Link to article: Researcher Eisenberg's Personnel File.
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[[div style="float:left; margin:0 2em 2em 0; width:80px; border:0;"]] |||| [[image sd.png width="80px"]] || ||||~ ^^Researcher - Inorganic Anomalous Materials Section^^ || [[/div]] **Name:** Vladim A. Eisenberg к.т.н. **Security Clearance:** --Level 2-- Temporarily revoked. **Education:** Specialist Diploma, Charkov Polytechnic, Candidate of Technical Sciences (к.т.н), Kyjev Polytechnic **Specialisation:** Material Science, SCP Research, Containment procedures. **Site of Operations:** Site-19. Formerly Site-35. **Profile:** Researcher Eisenberg is currently isolated in Section-5 Medical Wing of Site-19 subject to treatment for [REDACTED] (see Document-19-SG31-VAE-1 for assessment records and Document-19-SG31-VAE-2 for prescribed therapy and medication) resulting from SCP-022-J exposure. During his indisposition, the coordination of any projects under his lead is passed on to the co-ordinator of the Anomalous Structural Materials Research Group. The status of the documentation maintained by Researcher Eisenberg is unclear. Personnel of appropriate clearance willing to re-view and corroborate the content of such files can find them listed below. **History:** Born in Mukacevo, Ukrainian SSR. Two siblings - Older David agricultural engineer, currently unemployed, younger Leonid arrested in 199█ for claiming tax returns from fictitious trades. Studied materials science on Charkov Polytechnic. Joined the Foundation in 1998 as a fresh graduate after being involved in joint research between the Foundation and the Ukrainian government relating to an outbreak of SCP-836. Done his post-gradual studies while working for the Foundation as one of the researchers overseeing production on Site-35. After the [REDACTED] attack on Site-35, and resulting containment breach Researcher Eisenberg was one of the ██ survivors, found four days later in a janitor's closet in the administrative building, dehydrated, delirious, and hugging a stuffed lynx claiming it to be "Uncle Fedor from Volgograd". He has since made a full recovery, and been assigned to Site-19, where he was responsible for indexing and coordinating research for objects discovered within Central and Eastern Europe, in addition to working as a part of the Anomalous Structural Materials Research Group. On ██/07/201█, presumably as an administrative oversight, Researcher Eisenberg was assigned to work on documentation pertaining to SCP-022-J, despite his personnel records indicating him to be of short temper and likely suffering from SCP-022-J-2. Approximately half-way through the task, Researcher Eisenberg entered a rage state, which culminated in him assaulting a security guard with a keyboard. (see Incident-022-J-1 for details). As a result, Researcher Eisenberg was submitted for psychiatric examination, and based on its findings, temporarily relieved from duty. **Notable Possessions:** --Researcher Eisenberg's office contains "Nastasia", an instance of SCP-692-1 - an ambulatory 0.5m x 0.3m sheet of linen cloth enclosing the shape of a house cat.-- On ██/08/201█, after numerous requests, SCP-692-1 "Nastasia" has been moved to his current dwelling, after being confirmed as safe for handling. Researcher Eisenberg appears to be progressing towards recovery at a significantly faster rate since. __Researcher Eisenberg has catalogised the following SCP:__ * [[[scp-430 |SCP-430]]] - A Peasant's Punishment * [[[scp-692 |SCP-692]]] - Revives the Colours * [[[scp-836 |SCP-836]]] - Structural Cancer * [[[scp-936 |SCP-936]]] - Fruit of Man * [[[scp-1011 |SCP-1011]]] - Humanization Process * [[[scp-1043 |SCP-1043]]] - Instant Structures * [[[scp-1103 |SCP-1103]]] - Dr. Wondertainment Young Surgeon's Transplant Kit * [[[scp-1232 |SCP-1232]]] - Novosadov Syndrome * [[[scp-1618 |SCP-1618]]] - Gilded Urinal * [[[scp-1729 |SCP-1729]]] - The Collectors * [[[scp-001-ex-j |SCP-001-EX-J]]] - Records of the CKG Gathering * [[[scp-022-j |SCP-022-J]]] - Memetic Metal __Researcher Eisenberg has aided in the catalogisation of the following SCP:__ * --SCP-074 - Quantum Woodlouse - (Unknown author, most recently updated by Researcher Voct) Complete documentation overhaul.-- * [[[scp-566 |SCP-566 ]]] - Word-A-Day - (Originally by Agent "Sensei Le Roof") Complete documentation overhaul. * [[[scp-669 |SCP-669 ]]] - A Didactic Perspective - (Originally by Agent Circeus) Complete documentation overhaul. * --SCP-694 - //Pseudoteraphosa habilis// - (Originally by Dr. Lothaire B. Dumount) Complete documentation overhaul after suspected [[[SCP-732]]] outbreak.-- * [[[scp-857 |SCP-857 ]]] - Human-Based Ecosystem (Catered to while working by Tim "Tanhony" Hyne) - Procured photographic evidence. * [[[scp-1308 |SCP-1308]]] - Hungarian Floater - (Originally by --Agent--[[footnote]]Defected on 28/05/2012 following [REDACTED]. Suspected Chaos Insurgency operative.[[/footnote]] "RandomRedneck") Completized documentation from fragmentary data. * --SCP-1436 - The Saddest Necrophile - In collaboration with Researcher Voct.-- * [[[scp-2102 |SCP-2102]]] - Got Shoggoth? - Report authored by MTFO Crayne - Recovered journal data related to object; see Addendum 2102-A-03 * [[[SCP-1150-J]]] - Supervised transcription of document by Researcher [http://scpfoundation.ru/gene-r Jevgenij Savcenko] (said document was found by Agent "theTBAPb" in a dusty pile of paperwork). Found a picture the two overlooked, also in said pile. __Other files:__ * --Document 16-E-2813514 - Visual documentation of uncontained anomalous items or phenomena.-- * [[[lab-induction | Transcript of level 1 research personnel induction.]]] * [[[Keeping with the Times]]] * [[[doing-the-safety-dance | Guidelines to establishing containment protocols.]]] * [[[Holder of the Foundation]]] * [[[Lonely]]] * --BRAVADO Drill ██/██/1983 performed on orders from Researcher Von Pincier.-- * [[[fly-agaric | GRU-P casefile "FLY AGARIC"]]] [http://sandbox.scp-wiki.net/dr-eisenberg Paperwork in progress.] Participated in [[[seniorstaffshenanigans |Staff Prank War of 2011]]] Contributed to Agent Drewbear's [[[Technical Words]]] guide. Maintains the Groups of Interest [[[groups-of-interest#toc10|GRU Division "P"]]] entry. Maintains the [[[scp-566-contents-database|SCP-566 Contents Database]]] __[http://sandbox.scp-wiki.net/achievement-badges Commendations:]__ * Hall of Fame * Straight * Flush * Straight Flush * Order of Bright * Home Run Derby * International Man of Mystery * Man of Steel * Provocateur * David Hasslehoff * Olympian * Gallery of Legends [[collapsible show="LEVEL 4 ACCESS REQUIRED" hide="CLEARANCE CONFIRMED"]] Welcome to a silly little section detailing what does the lynx behind the man think. If you'll ever care. A few notes on works of mine, because telling them to people gets boring quickly (to the people I tell it to.) First of all, a small detour. When I joined the Foundation, I did so as one of the TvTropes crowd back in 2011. Up to that point, the most I have written up to then were forum RPs, and part of an attempt at fanfic that I never went with anywhere - needless to say, I sucked hard. My first SCPs still reside in my sandbox (for slightly superstitious reasons, I rarely if ever delete articles there, good or bad.) - SCP-160, which was *the* first, a coin that made you perceive as truth whatever its holder said, lasted on site for roughly a month. There was a significantly less dumb rewrite that Voct gave me the idea for, but I didn't announce it anywhere, and so it got silently purged sitting on top of the original. My second one was a parasite that I expunged all the actual hooks (such as it probably being human-made) from. It didn't receive a single upvote, and I think I purged it at about -19, which for the time was a *lot*. The only good thing about it was Rights commending my biology while she was proofreading. Why all this? Well, perhaps it'll help explain my somewhat merciless attitude with whiners and special snowflakes - Bast knows I have taken my lumps when I began, and sure as hell it made me a better writer. __SCP-692__ My first qualified success, after my first two contributions have tanked. I think it came about with me finding the second picture, and having a good thought. Can't thank Fat Ghost enough for the proofreading and listening to me bouncing ideas off - without all that, it'd have likely tanked. It's also where Researcher Eisenberg's pet cloth-cat Nastasia comes from - at the time, I really wanted something speshul, like Rights's Pterry, and a myriad other objects kept in offices around the Foundation. __SCP-836__ After a period of holiday absence (I was in Slovakia, with poor net access, and after two more tanked articles, my weak first success felt like 'by chance'), the idea occurred to me in the shower while contemplating the asanation of Bratislava during the end of the 60s - cancerous growths that affected old buildings would be a hell of a reason to tear down half a city. I passed the idea in chat, pooryoric really liked it, and so I wrote it up, the night before going back to college. My first article reaching double digits, and what can I say, I inwardly fansqueed over Sorts's comment as he was one of my favourite writers even then. __SCP-936__ The amusing thing about this one was that the idea came from the picture of a guy stuffed in a plastic sack (listed as E-129 in my Visual Records) while it actually had zero use in the article itself. In my headcanon, the offspring of a hangman like that and a person is yet another plant-person hybrid, which gave rise to the myth of mandrakes, growing from the seed of hangmen - it's completely true, just misinterpreted by those looking around gallows. It's in there even, I just expunged the hell out of it. __Lab Orientation__ My first, and for a long time only tale, I jumped on the bandwagon of orientations started by Orientation posted by Mann. Specifically, the last line, mentioning the poor researchers having their talk done in Room 67, with their coffee full of laxatives. As a sidenote, the Russian version of this tale, translated by the illustrious Gene R, actually makes for a better reading than the original. __SCP-1011__ First article I could be genuinely proud of, its first incarnation reached -9 quite quickly due to numerous errors, (I misestimated the statue's volume, and thus mass, by a factor of three, for one) while a repost with maybe four sentences added reached the then-sky-high (for me) score of 27. The idea of this one came as the result of a fever-induced dream of me being a cog in a world-spanning machine, having perfect knowledge of everything, though the only choice I had was the direction to turn in. __SCP-1043__ The article managing to "stuff two of the idiotic interest groups in", to loosely quote a comment from Russian wiki, the work on this one started in November, with the second picture as a basis.I started on it shortly after Yoric had made AWCY? a thing (though by the time it was done, others posted), so I can boost my hipster cred by saying I wrote Are We Cool Yet? before they were cool x3. I picked the draft up after the winter holiday, and totally expected it to tank - instead it rose up (and helped Eskobar legitimize Alexylva as a GOI, instead of his pet project), confirming that I have no gauge of my writing skill at all. As the comments say, the explanation of this one is simple - we can only use the Alexylva self-building concrete to make pre-fab shapes, but the AWCY? member in question learned how to program it. Alas, his first attempt included a while(1) endless loop, which is what the pool of mess the incident describes was all about. __SCP-1103__ Two words. Bright's Challenge. Or rather, the most common one of them - write an article without feedback, and within 24 hours. I sat down in the department, feeling impish, and found the facemeat picture. A minor thanks goes to Mackenzie - her writing a Factory set of breast implants made me pick Wondertainment instead, and style it slightly after Russian toy sets such as "Young Chemist" (hence the name). By the weekend, it ended up on second page of Top Rated, with 47 votes. Those were the times. . . __SCP-001-EX-J__ Oh yes. My biggest success, the caveman Foundation. There are two people I have to thank with this one - murphy_slaw, and Saphroneth (Not a SCP member, sadly, but a prolific fanfiction.net author). The first provided the idea of a cavemen foundation, though his was a modern-tone document describing a wheel. The second proofread my draft of the body itself + a much shorter experiment log, and suggested a more polite version of the dick joke as a punchline to the set of tests. What can I say - I laughed my arse off, and it gave me the impulse I needed to write the rest. __Doing the Safety Dance__ The one guide I have written, before the guide-essay split, it arose from the fact that I got constantly pissed off at people screwing containment procedures up, until the logical point "Well, then, teach them how to!" arose. I tried for a fairly lighthearted style to keep from being boring - well, judge yourself. Most of it should be obvious, but then, obvious points are the ones that often need to be said explicitly. __SCP-1308__ This article makes me happy in two ways. First, delicious drama with original author. I asked him for a permission to rewrite after Photo thought my throwavay of singing skin sheet was a great hook for what was essentially a skin kite. I rewrote, and he downvoted out of spite, before a ragequit. And I got to self-upvote because of his malicious downvote . . . I dunno any other cases where that rule got called up. Second would be the fact that I managed to pull off Yoric's challenge - include, in a completely serious manner, wearing a tinfoil hat as a part of a containment procedure. In my little headcanon, the slime they make is the raw material from which Wonderlube is made. __Holder of the Foundation__ Written in about 10 minutes as a forum post reacting to Knee/Maytne in someone's thread mentioning Holders, after a bit of encouragement from her, I added a little and turned it into my best tale so far, once again proving that effort != results. Includes a module that actually counts pages tagged scp, thanks to Quikngruvn. __SCP-1618__ Second of my little favourites, this article was written to spite Digiwizzard (whose sole article is amazing btw.). It all started in the AWCY discussion thread where he called the group trite and pretentious, citing the fact that besides Ossify Wall Street they haven't at all involved themselves politically as a part of the reason. He also tossed in "toilet that makes people accept shit as currency" in there as a random, throwavay example. Needless to say, the only reason why the AWCY haven't done all that is that nobody fucking wrote it yet, and well, I was the one to do it, with the help of a little V.I.Lenin quote I know and love. Both Bright and sandrewswann upvoted it, which coupled with Sorts's exclamation of it being his most hated SCP ever plain out made my day. The number is the first four digits of the Golden Number. Thanks to Syka for that. __SCP-1729__ Not much to say about the abandoned organ harvesters, merely that Voct was the one who suggested the taxicab number slot. __SCP-022-J__ Finally, my second -J. This article is essentially self-parody - as a mechanical engineer with a strong material science background, I passionately hate the abuse of titanium in media, and often rage at people who do so. (or otherwise fail at science). Initially dropped to below -10, then swapped course completely after I added the incident log. Well, if you managed to read this far, congratulations, you just lived through a lynxrant. There's other stuff I have written ,but I can't think of anything notable to say about it, so I won't. [[/collapsible]] **Note: Should I end up incontactable, I refuse any form of staff purview or custody over my works. Standard procedure is to be followed - a rewrite or deletion if something drops below deletion threshold - otherwise, asides from minor grammar etc. issues, my writing is to be left alone, and no changes are to be made without explicit approval from me.**